Day 121 Understanding Tiredness

Wisdom of Forgiveness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been trying to notice my thoughts when I feel that “I am tired.” I wonder is this a legitimate tiredness, meaning do I need to rest or am I wanting to get out of doing something. This really takes some self honesty and many times I see that I just do not want to do something. And then the mental battle comes up of – you should do it – and I start to get exhausted by all these mental battles going on..  My astrology chart actually says I am prone to laziness, so I was born with it.

I have seen that I am not lazy when it is something that I want to do. But as I watch my thoughts – I am seeing mostly that tiredness is a state of Mind. That I can change it. What I am struggling with though is learning how not to use “energy” thoughts in my mind to pump me up, so to speak to do the things I need to do to change and stop living as a programmed robot of my designed astrology chart and become an actually living being designing a life that is best for All. 

So today I will share what I did that seemed to help. I became overwhelmed when I thought about writing for my blog- All the excuses can been seen on the Procrastination blog, that come up every time I go to write. I had read Anna’s blog about her struggles with the commitment to write a blog and in the end she said – I just did it – after all the excuses the only thing left was to just do it – and so I knew that it was my time – just do it.

Anyway as usual I became overwhelmed then really tired to the point of almost getting sick. So I laid down, closed my eyes and just focused on my body and allowed myself to slowing breath relax, then I started doing self forgiveness on all the backchat coming up. And then while in a relaxed state I started telling myself that “ I love to write, I love to blog” and I started to actually feel it emotionally or as a feeling of something that gave me fulfillment.  I went to the opposite feeling of dread to something that I would enjoy as fulfillment. Now I have heard that going to the opposite polarity is not the solution. But I could not do it any other way at this time. I had to trick my old thought program that was dread, doubt and fear into enjoyment. After I feel the joy, I was not tired anymore and I got up and started to write – the excuses where there a little bit but I just ignored them. But really in the end – I knew I would be pleased with myself after writing, because that does always happen when I finally do write, what I was getting stuck in was the pattern  of fear and excuses before I start writing and that made me want to avoid it.

So as I read this over, I did have to use a thought of joy instead of dread to get me to do the writing. So am I still using energy to get things done? I think so, but my body does respond to joy as in doing something fulfilling over the thought of dread for now.

 




------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. . There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom.

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Day 120 Attached to an Outcome

The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone about, lets call it “Spiritual” Stuff. To me that mean talking about the Mind – Since it is the Mind you can not see and thus can be called spirit. Anyway, when we were finished talking I realized that I was exhausted. I ask myself “why are you so tired?” What came loud and clear was that “You are trying to “Convince and Convert.” I was like Oh Wow, yes. I saw that while I was talking to this person that the energy behind my words where actually wanting an outcome.

 I wanted her to see it my way, I wanted my words to have an impact, I was attached to an outcome as my started point. And then as I investigated this further is goes hand in hand with “wanting to be heard” as a way to be validated. I want validation for my thoughts, as I define my thoughts as Me. When I saw this realization it was like within my physical body that a balloon had deflated. In other words, I had not seen that my body was tense while talking because the starting point was that I wanted to convince instead of just talk. 

I decided to call her back and apologize. I told her what I saw, and she said –oh that did not feel that way to me – it seemed just like a discussion. I was like wow – so that is how I saw it within myself and that is why the conversations drain me, because my started point is that “I need you to hear me.”  This comes from a childhood experience that I have been doing a Mind Construct on with the Desteni DIP course. I will not get into that here.

So bottom line is, I thought that was cool to see that insight right after that occurrence And also see the effect it had on my body as exhaustion.

I am not saying that this habit is gone – as it is who I have lived as my whole life without even noticing! But I am now on the look out for it. The cool thing I realized is that this does not me I have to stop sharing insights with others, but just to stop the energy drain that I do to myself, by “wanting and outcome.” .

 

 



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. . There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom.

Day 105 Don’t Tell Me What to Do

As I work on my Boss Woes Mind Constructs with the Desteni I Process – I have been re-seeing that I do

"CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself"

already knew to do it. Thus my self importance as pride felt like it was being attacked. As I look back on my life I see that my pride was very important to me. It is really another layer of wanting to be liked. I also would not want people to do something for me that I could do – I wanted to show them that I could do it. Thus building up myself as pride.
Interesting I am a double Leo – The pride of the lion! Lol – It was important to me that others saw me as worthy. This is really cool to see how I was so attached to my pride. Where in it would cause many times a lot of “emotional” unnecessary suffering for me, though out my life, I did not see it as suffering so to speak – I just saw it as “that is the way it is.”

I have a memory of when I was around 13yrs old. I was outside in my back yard putting up a tent. The neighbor boy came over and wanted to help me. I said “No – I can do!” And I would not let him help. My mother was watching this through the window. After the neighbor boy left she called me into the house and said “Why didn’t you let him help? He was just wanting to hang out with you and play.” I was in a bit of a shock when she said that. What was going on in my mind was that I like him and I wanted him to like me so I wanted to show him how cool I was because I could put up the tent! I remember doing this to him many times. Like wanted to better than him, so he would think I was cool and like me. The thing is I was pushing him away! Lol! I would be so wrapped up in proving myself that I did not take into consideration the other person at all. Interesting enough, somehow I did get a lot of friends. But I see now, it was because I was always doing things for them, so they would think I was cool. I wanted the attention and to build up self esteem as pride.

So the suffering so to speak would be for example how I reacted to my boss when she told me what to do, which is in the previous post. I became angry with backchat thoughts like she does not see me as worthy, doesn’t she see how good I am, I became judgmental and resentful towards her, I blamed her for not being different towards me. Things are better now that I have seen this and understand that suffering only comes because we believe in our self importance to where we can see nothing else. I can now see her as she is just doing her job, just making sure things get done, where I do not take how she is or what she does personally. I just say okay. And that is that. Its over, I do not go home anymore with resentment. This is also affecting my other relationship – where I would take things said or done personally if they do not agree with me or see it my way. They have there own way to see things, where I do not have to take offence about it anymore. Drop the pride and be free!  Next post I will share some self forgiveness on this point.

Related Posts Boss Woes Continued - Boss Woes

I have been doing the Art of Self Investigation for 6 years now. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery

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Day 103 Boss Woes Continued

Cover of Don Juan: the Sorcerer (audio CD)

Confronting The Petty Tyrant

Continuing from: Boss Woes "Next post I will share what I found out about myself and how I was able to get past these feelings and emotions - It has to do with: Judging Others is Protecting Self Importance.

As I was engaging in self frustration over how my boss was treating me I remembered the word "petty tyrant." This a tern Don Juan used from the Carlos Castaneda books. I  found two articles that I read - one was Confronting the Petty Tyrant, I think it is defiantly worth a read as it helped me see what was going on in regards to me reactions. And the other article called The Petty Tyrant



Here is what I noticed after reading some posts on petty tyrants which is what DonJuan called mean people (my words)


After I read those articles I changed my "perception" of how I saw her and me. The most prominent point Don Juan said that struck me was - A petty tyrant can only influence us because we have "Self Importance"

How to deal with your boss

Thing are better because I changed ( I dropped my self importance)


I did some research on petty tyrant – and found and then realizes that the reason one would have a reaction with them is because of the idea of Self Importance – meaning I would believe that my “pride was attacked” – thus I now do not accepted and allow this anymore within me. So I applied this going to work which is explained below

Other things I noticed

Seems she (boss) has been nicer to me lately but what I have seen within me is that she is a mirror to my moods. Thus if I was having a bad day, frustration with myself because I believe that I am not doing enough to get my website business going and struggling with wanting to do things that I think I should – then I go to work with that and thus I am already in a defensive mood – thus I take everything she does personally. These last two weeks I have been aware of my emotional tone when I go to work.

 I try to be aware of my backchat to want to blame her for not being how I think she should be and if I see her in a mood, instead to go into fear and judgment towards her, I am practicing being stable and if she does something that would of upset me in the past – I now let it go and realize it is not my job to change her and I look for was to be supportive for what she may be going through.

 I am also now doing this with my roommate – instead of become offended because I believed she was not treating me how I wanted her to or thought she should – which is what she was thinking about me – it is like I am swallowing my pride or I could say I am stopping the need to be right within my mind –and then I am able to see what needs to be done in the moment.

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Day 102 Boss Woes

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Boss Woes 

I was having a big reaction to my boss. I will share a rant and rave I did about. Rant and Rave is part of the Desteni I Process to see our minds that create our emotions and feelings.

Rant and Rave

Giving me angry looks while working
Many times while I am on the floor taking care of the customers or when I have to walk back in the kitchen she will give me this mean look – and I know soon she is going to complain about something – but sometimes she does not say anything to me. And if I get the chance I will ask her if she is okay. When I see though mean looks I don’t know what is going on with her.
Feeling of being antagonized, I become uneasy, like what now is she mad about, feel like I am being judged and attacked and disliked.

Telling me to do things that I already know to do

She, from out of the blue will say something to me that is not nice. Meaning she yells at me to do something, usually something that I am going to do and have been doing it for 16 yrs now. Then she will accuse me of not wanting to do it! When this happens I get very upset. For example, I will be finishing up with a customer and a new costumer is coming in the door – and if she is next to me she will say “Pay attention there is a costumer!”, in an reprimanding tone, when I just about to greet them.
She will say that table needs cleaned – when I already know that (I have been a waitress for 35 years!) I had planed to get to it as soon as I was finished with something else.

Being angry at me for something I did 2 months ago

I can go on and on about the many times she treats me like this. For example one time she was treating me like shit for 2 months, just dirty looks and snapping at me every day. I finally asked her what was wrong, why is she doing that. Usually she will deny that anything is wrong when I ask her. But I insisted and said you seem to be angry with me. Well then she told me – that 2 months ago I did not give her a dozen eggs for free. She is the one who said she wants the eggs, and I told her they were not mine to give– but my landlord ask that I help her to sell them when we have enough. So here she was angry at me, and she told me I was cheap, and did not like to share, and what ever else. Then she actually sort of apologized and said that I am just a really honest person, and that is good.


The point is she is treating me like shit again, and I am tired of it, I do not like to confront her, because she always at first gets very defensive – she is Korean, and gets hyper expressive. (Angry) and that throws me off. Meaning, I then can get defensive back at her if I am not stable.

Fear when I go to work

Not knowing what type of mood she will be in and if I am going to get yelled at or not.
What this is doing is making me feel inferior when I go to work. I am feeling like a dog who is scared of its master because he might get kicked for what appears like no reason.

Next post I will share what I found out about myself and how I was able to get past theses feelings and emotions - It has to do with: Judging Others is Protecting Self Importance
:

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Day 97 Not knowing where to start.

I have been not wanting to write – because when I think of others that will read this – it feels I will not be supportive to them. This doenst mean the Desteni group as they understand what it means to write to freedom. But others who might read it that do not as yet understand. So what does that mean for me – I fear prosecution by what other think. So see there I caught myself in a lie – I reason I say I think it wont be supportive is because what I really fear is prosecution as what others will think. And as I go down the rabbit hole with this – it is the fear of not being liked – and that fear leads to the fear of not being accepted. I am still dealing with these types of thoughts… I want to stop.

Not only this is the problem – what I have been doing is to think if I can work consistently and get my website business going – then I will have the time to devote to Desteni – the idea being – that the longer it takes to get the website to produce an income - the long it will be to have that income and my sources are running out. But what I am seeing today is that I have compromised myself by not blog writing at least every week… I am a compete mess – and it has not been supportive to me not to write. So I am deciding to day to make writing weekly a priority instead of my work – I was using the excuse of time – needed to make income fast – to the determent of writing which helps me stay in perspective.
Gee… writing is the time I have with MYSELF – I need that – or I get sucked into the matrix whorl wind. Unfortunately for me – I have been told this – to keep consistent with writing – but I am one who has to learn the “hard way” so to speak – I have to make my learning my own – meaning I do not trust hear say – I need to experience it myself to have a complete understanding within my being. But in away this is also a good thing, as we are told to question everything – which I have always done anyway.

But on the other hand – it is a shame that each one of us has to have first hand experience before we believe something. For example – the reason that we accepted and allow abuse to others, like allowing poverty to exist is because we have not experienced poverty for ourselves – so we do not see or care that it is a problem. We are so separated from each other – we see another human – and say “they” “them” – like they are not one of us….and thus there problems are not ours. Funny we do want others to help us when we think we need it – but we don’t see that we all – as a human race need to help each other…

And another thing I am seeing with my process is that I fear time – I fear not knowing how much time I should spend on each project that I need to do – I fear not getting it done – so I will cram and sometime work 18hrs straight to get something done – then I am burned out for a bit.
That’s it for then post- as I am seeing I can go on and on. So I will stop here for now. And try to make these into separate posts as I continue to rant my thoughts.


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Day 96 Imagined Mind Conflicts

Desteni Artists

by Jessie

I have noticed that when I am in my mind/imagination going over things, talking to myself in the mind, especially like trying to explain myself, my thoughts, to someone or something, I am talking to someone, something else in my imagination, that I feeling like it is confrontation - and I notice that I get very stiff, my arms and shoulder become ridged and tight. It is like I am defending myself to some imaginary other being, or myself..... hm... Am I defending myself to myself?

Wow I just did it now, as I was trying to explain myself to myself. I tightened up physical in my body as in defensive mode. Why can I not have a conversation with myself without becoming or feeling defensive? Ah I just did it again as I was re-reading this, tensing up because I am trying to express myself in words. Ah I noticed it again when I am thinking - especially when I am thinking about what to say as words, as writing. What is it? Fear of confrontation; fear that I can not explain myself to where one will understand? Fear of exposing myself?

OMG- I think This is what Bernard meant when he talked about the policeman in your head! Yes that is what it feels like - I am always policing my thoughts defending my thoughts to the policeman! lol wow. I never saw this before - If I had not noticed that I am most always tightening up my body when I am thinking and questioned this I would have not understood. Thanks Body - lol
This is very interesting - every time I think my body tenses up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own thoughts to the point where I become defensive with myself. haha - that sounds bazaar!

I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized until now that when ever I am thinking as conversations within my mind/imagination that I have been tensing up my body where I now notice it especially in tightening up of my arms and shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my thoughts as one of expression and one of defense where in my expression in and as thoughts especially words are taken as or come from the starting point of defending myself.

Wherein this may be my resistance towards writing, because I feel that I have to defend my expression as words, thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and stress when I have to write.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to fear I can not express what I am wanting to say and thus will be judged.

Fear of Expressing as Words

I am seeing now that this fear manifested as a child, when wanting to express myself through words that I had to most always defend myself. As many times I was punished by parent and teachers for not using words correctly, or being reprimanded, saying I was wrong for thinking like that, and or I was made fun of by other children for the words I spoke, and I am sure I was guilty of doing the same to others.

Thus when I see or notice myself tensing up I realize that I am in the mind as imagination and self confrontation within the polarity swing of good or bad self conversations and the tension is the fear of thinking something wrong, policing my own thoughts , I stop breathe, and drop and relax my shoulders and arms, and become stable and present here as life, not emotions or feelings.

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Day 92 Fear of Time = Procrastination

I am sharing my one of my Dip Lite assignments:

I woke up this morning actually dreaming about procrastination - I was trying to understand it and sort it out in my sleep or dream. What I am seeing is that my procrastination is linked to fear of being disappointed, or fear of the struggle to do something. It is interesting because I use to not be like this. I wanted to try and do most anything. But now I have this fear of it. Also what is coming up is time - I think something is going to take too much time to do, I am accepting and allowing myself to fear starting something because I have experienced from the past when I want to do something and then it takes way longer than I thought, and then I worry about other things i have to do - so I fear getting started. For example I wanted to change the oil in the Tractor lawn mower as I am taking care of the property while my landlord is gone. Now changing oil should take 15 min. But because I never changed the oil in this type of machine - I would have to research how - and I did, I had to find the right model and serial numbers - find the website - find instructions which took over and hour - then I had to find the right tools to get the plug out, ect.. So all in all it took about 1 1/2 to change the oil. Not a big deal - but something happened to me that I am just seeing as I get older - I use to like learning something new, and the challenge and wonderment of learning and doing new things, but now I am seeing the challenge as a chore, as something stressful to do, and thus I procrastinate. wow... It is like I have lost my excitement for life. I am becoming rigid, I am seeing moving in life as a chore instead of life itself. Shit! I better snap out of it! I am seeing set backs as accumulated disappointments, which lead me to want to procrastinate instead of being HERE as Life with life, with out judgment.

So within this point I see that I had a definition of time with the starting point of fear - Thus now, to redefine time as direction of life.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to define the word time within the starting point of fear, instead to live time HERE as the direction of Life.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to procrastinate because of fear of disappointment.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to start to live as and believe that doing things are a struggle and a chore because I fear the time it will take to do them.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to worry about time as a factor to live life!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing the idea of time/how long something will take and see it as stressful - thus I am relating time to equal stress!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to see time as stressful. And within this I compromise myself by being in my mind imagining doing something as stressful because of the time it will take, instead to be HERE with Life and not time.

I forgive myself that somewhere along the line I must of heard that there is not enough time and thus I feared the idea of time - to instead of getting things done - I would fear the time - I would fear not getting it done "in time" thus within my mind I would stress about it and I would procrastinate starting something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointment because in the past something I would do did not work out the first or maybe the second time and that meant some thing’s will take more time, and I would see that as a disappointment because of my idea of time as stressful.. 

I now commit myself to see learn and understand that when I see myself starting to go into stress about doing something or getting something done, I understand that I had defined getting something done with the idea of fear of time. And thus I was living in my mind of fear and imagination of past and worry of the future within self judgment of getting something done, instead to be one, together with what I am doing as a tribute to and as life as to what is best for all as life. Thus I commit myself to change my definition of time as merely direction of and as life, and I commit myself to teach myself to be HERE as Breath as one with Life. 

Relvant Blog: 

Cutting Edge of Time

None Are Free Until All are Free: http://basicincome.me/ and

http://equalmoney.org/

Self Mastery http://desteniiprocess.com/

Interviews https://eqafe.com/

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Day 76 Disappointment as Anger "I am doing it Wrong"

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am walking a SRA2 mind construct – and every time I summit what I have and I get feed back to do more – find more, go deeper, my immediate reaction is anger that I am justifying as what I submitted is not seen as enough, not good enough, and then I go into self disappointment and frustration that I am not doing it right, it is not good enough, and I want to quit, I want to get it over with, and move on.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to every time I get feed back I want it to be okay, meaning when it sent it in - I felt I did my best and I wanted to move on, and then I react when it is suggested to do more, as I am seeing it as disappointment and then I start to get disappointed and do not want to continue. And then I become agitated within my being and start to become angry at everything I have to do. It sets off this whole chain reaction, where my chest gets tight from holding in the anger, (suppressed disappointment) and I start to limit my breathing, like hold my breath in anger. I get disappointed and angry at my buddy thinking/believing she does not understand me and feels I need to do it a certain way where in then I take it personally – like she doesn’t understand – she doesn’t see it my way. I think this comes from my reactions towards and with my mother – where I felt she never saw me as good enough. And therefore I go into an anger reaction when someone suggests to me do something different or more, as I take it personally as not being good enough. Geee…

No wonder I am avoiding doing these MC – the disappointment I feel is extreme. Like wanting approval and not getting it. And it is really ANGER – that I suppressed, not self honestly investigated. It had been what I always do – I mean what do you do with anger? Act on it? Hurt someone – or suppress it.
I think is what has been causing my chest congestion and coughing- continual suppression of anger and fear.

I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that I am holding this suppressed fear and anger of believing that I am not approved of and with in this I have been compromising myself and my body. 

When I am doing or starting to do my SRA assignment and I see resistance starting I breath and stop following the feeling of resistance and mind backchat of "this is hard" I dont want to do this" and I realize that I am doing this for ME. That this is an opportunity to get specific with my subconscious and unconscious mind patterns and see where I am still holding onto believes that I have been accepting and allowing. And when I get feed back and I react instead of going into disappointment, I now start to see it as what can I do, how can I cooperate within myself to get this done. And I realize my resistance is a MCS pattern of not wanting to go beyond my comfort zone and not wanting to do the work.     

I comment myself to not accepted and allow myself to give up on myself.

Note since I have been writing out these realizations within doing my SRA assignments I have been able to move through them without the extreme resistance I was having before.

I the next blog I will share insights as I go over the definition of Disappointment

Visit Desteni I Process http://desteniiprocess.com/
Desteni I Process Lite http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ 

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Day65: Common Sense and Discouragement

Emotional Playground (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been listening to a friend about her problems and reading about other people problems and listening to my own problems, lol. I saw myself starting to get discouraged. So I will write about it, so I may see this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought of I am becoming discouraged when I see things on the news and TV shows, or hear of acquaintances and there issues that we think are real, but are only emotional programs that direct us and we live in misery most of the time of mental pain that we see as suffering. And I can see that this is all in our minds – that we hold onto blame and self pity because things are not going our way in self interest.
I forgive myself that I was almost going to accept myself to go into the emotional self pity-ment of discouragement to use as a reason to give up. My backchat thoughts were:
This is so extensive that I do not and can not even conceive that we as humans can get out of this. And thus I want to give up.
I forgive myself that I am entertaining the thoughts of I want to give up because I don’t see that the world can change.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear that there may be no way out of this mess that we are in and that we have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I am wanting to and thinking I should go into self pity because I see the world, friends and non friends suffering so much in the accepted and allowed self abuse that we have come to believe is normal and is life. And I believe if we stop worrying about ourself so much, and what others do or not do to us or for us and we started to look at what can we do for another that our world would change and our unhappiness would stop because our self interest would stop. And we could have a world with out abuse.
So what is myself interest in this? I want my suffering to stop because I see others suffer. I can not stop another’s suffering and the pain for me is I think that when another suffers it reminds me of my own suffering that I had accepted and allowed.

As I see this point and apply common sense – I can see that allowing myself to become discouraged does NO GOOD AT ALL. And that this is just another emotional program to keep us enslaved in a good and bad circle entrapment.
When and if I see myself becoming discouraged – I stop and realize that this is just another emotional program and does nothing to help anything and I stop following the thought and Breathe.

http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-addiction-to-suffering-and-pain-killed-me

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Day:60 Anger Demon Showing Its head

I am feeling great resistance to doing anything today…   
I forgive myself that I am having resistance to doing school- dip and blog today
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to wake up and feel like the things I should be doing feels like drudgery today.
I forgive myself that I am being battered around by the polarity of feeling good when I do something and feeling bad when I do something – thus not feel fulfillment when it feels like drudgery to do something.. I need the energetic high feeling to get things done; - I need to “Like” to do it.
I forgive myself that I fear that unless I feel good – have the high want to feeling to do something it actually feels painful to do things – I mean to push myself feels like it sucks and is not natural to life…
I forgive myself that I even get angry when I have to do something or should do something and I don’t feel like it – I get very angry within myself – like I am being tortured.
Today I feel demonized angry! Lol – but now I am crying to release this pent up frustration and anger that I feel like I am a slave to consciousness – A slave to “have too’s” Instead to be me – what ever that is – I don’t know…

I feel so overwhelmed by school- the paper I have to write and needing to make money with websites…
I feel trapped in guilt like I have never before felt! Like if I don’t do this – then I don’t care about life… wow that’s big, that is a big guilt…

Anger at doing SRA – What is my resistance…

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I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!

I forgive myself that I don’t think I should post this
I forgive myself that I think I should be posting better things than this
I forgive myself that I think I am not helping others by what I am blogging
I forgive myself that I believe that I have too much responsibility to be responsible for the world and thus this creates fear in me in what and how I am doing things.
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing fear to run/control my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to become angry – I see this is happening because I am allowing myself to become overwhelmed instead of directing myself – I go into searching for things online and then I become distracted with what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to get involved with things that seem cool at the time and then I get so many emails from all these different things that I don’t even remember why I got involved with them. And then I use that to distract me and then I use that to become angry and blame life/others are doing it to me when it is me who allows myself to follow these carrots from online searching thinking and believing that they are cool. But what I am really doing is looking for entertainment to appease the mind as a way of avoidance instead to push through resistance.
I forgive myself that the need to feel good and balance that with feeling bad is what is getting me to find things online I think are cool and then thus I become overwhelmed with all the emails.

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