Thursday, May 30, 2013

Day 85 If I Died Now Who can I say I Was?

Fear terror eye
Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

This is a continuation from the post Change Before You Die!

I have been listening to some of the Life Reviews that Desteni has on Eqafe  –where a person who dies tells of their life they lived on earth. And until Desteni, where I am now learning to how to stop living as polarity thoughts of good, bad and what can be called paranoid thinking, I could sum up who and what I have lived as. When you die it is not about the things you did, but about why you did them - your starting point. And as we are seeing everything we do comes from some sort of paranoid thinking – though many will not see it as that – yet. To get an idea about how we live in the polarity swing of fear of right and wrong as paranoia please see this blog posts about paranoia and the 3 before them.

Okay now my life review from my own understanding of how I have lived my life. The way you do this is to learn how to become self honest in that you can see what your true starting point is in doing anything you do in life. Thus when I look back on my life before I started conscious process, it would have been this: (Note – I am not saying I am done with this – but I got to see clearly how I have been living as my starting point and thus now have the opportunity to change)

This seeing came through as a result of doing the Desteni IProcess where I was doing a mind construct on my mother and that I never felt she was proud of me. Where in I got from the “happy family” TV shows of that time that a mother should be beaming at you with pride as being proud of you. Since I felt I did not get that from my mom, I had created a whole world where I was looking for approval.

Thus this is what I believed - (In the Self Forgiveness format):

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed a visual from a TV show where the mother was smiling huge at her daughter in a “loving” way because she was proud of something that she did and this show was really a propaganda for families suppose to be showing the perfect mother and father and how happy they become when their children do something they approve of. Thus I believed that because I felt my mother was hardly ever proud of me that I can remember I felt that I did not have the perfect mother and I started to became resentful, frustrated and spiteful toward her and blamed her for not being proud of me, when in I then carried that idea and believe that someone has to be proud of you to be special. There for I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel special by love from my mother and went through life thinking I had to prove myself, and looking for approval. Thus I stopped looking/wanting approval from my mother because I became frustrated and felt constant rejection and became resentful instead. But within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want and try to get it from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea/program that I need approval from others to be special. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my existence to be one of looking for approval because I thought and believed that, that made you/one special. And thus within this idea/believe I was secretly accepting and allowing myself to become resentful at life because in my mind everything I did I was hoping for approval and thus lived in a constant fear of not being liked or approved of, to the point where I would compare myself to others to see if they were getting approval and then try to be like them.

This is who and what I thought I should be:


When and if I am doing something I stop and breath and check myself for the starting point “Am I doing this with the idea and fear that it might not be approved of when in my secrete mind I will imagination someone not liking it or judging it – I will come up with visions in my mind of my mother or father or brother or an acquaintance or teacher or boss or friend and in my mind I wonder if I will get kudos or not and I fear it. I have this fear that I wont be approved of and when I am not I get frustrated and feel that I am doing something wrong and it is like I get angry at life, like life should like me, like it is up to me to get people to like me. If I don’t do that something is wrong. Ah I see it now It is the vision of a smile on someone face that I am looking for – like the smile from the TV show from the mother that is saying –“You did good!” wow – lol okay It is like have I caused you to have sunshine in your life – I want you to smile and be happy and I can say I made you happy. I actually thought it was my job to make people happy, and if I did not, I felt that I failed life. I thought the good life was the happy TV family and that is what god or life wanted from us, so I would try to do that.  (note – I did not try with my mother because I felt she always rejected me – but I then looked for it anywhere else)

This is what and who I would have died as my life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things just so I could get approval from them when in I would manipulate myself in my own mind to find ways to do things so that I would be liked/approved of, be accepted. And then later in life I would do dangerous things, like walk the streets of NYC late at night in unsafe areas to prove to myself that I could do it. I went to all the places you were not suppose to go and did all the things –taboo things you were not suppose to do and this gave me a thrill, where I would be proud of myself because I would do things others were afraid to do and I ended up becoming a hero in my own mind. Lol  To me at that time it was fun – living on the edge and getting away with it, going against the norm of society, going against what society says you must/should do. And I found people who thought this was cool – who approved. I am still smiling now that I think about all the things I did that went against what a mother would want for her child. Lol I wanted to prove to myself that I would be okay not following the rules and not be approved of by my mother. I went and lived in one of the poorest parts of NYC and made friends with the people there where others were even afraid to visit. I was befriending the outcasts. To say to the world (my mother – though she never knew about the things that I did – it would of devastated her – I kept my spite towards her believes in my secret mind) that all things deserve to be investigated and looked at so one can make up their own mind about things. (My mother wanted me to live in her make believe perfect world that I knew was a lie)

I would have died a person who felt and believed that my mission was to be liked and in that I would of felt like I failed because I was making it my starting point of existence/existing as. The energetic experience of “doing good” and the search to be “proud of myself” Thus accomplishing nothing substantial but a mind experience of some sort of self gratification.

This is my Understanding now:

Within all this that I did, I see and understand that I was just looking out for myself that I wanted to give myself approval, that I wanted to live in a way I could be proud of. And within this all at the end of this proving to myself – I finally ended up defeated and depressed. When in I had seen in the world that everyone is suffering, everyone is trying to find something and fit in somewhere and that it was all delusions. I just did not know what life wanted from me, I did not know what to do anymore, as I was living from/for energy and it was running out. The energy belief that I must find something where in I am special. Thus living in constant polarity of feeling good, not feeling good >> -> I want ______

->-> if I don’t get what I want

->->-> I blame

->->-> I feel frustrated

->->->-> I manipulate to get what I want

->->if I get what I want

->->-> I am satisfied.

This is the solution:

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to want to be proud of myself where in I would look for energy experience that I could feed off of to feel special and then when that high was over it felt like I had to do it again and I would blame life when that feeling stopped where in I felt frustrated and then I would manipulate myself within my mind to say something is wrong and then create a situation where in I could feel good about myself and feel satisfied for a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in self interest looking for ways to be proud of myself instead to live life as what is best for all as my starting point. 


When I see myself wanting to do something for the energetic experience of being proud of myself instead to do something because it is the right thing to do I stop and breath and realize that this uses energy that is feeding off the physical body to create an energetic polarity experience of wanting to be proud of myself so that I can feel validation as a less than, more than idea/belief

I commit to myself to stop living as a reason to be proud and instead to live as a reason to do what is best for all. 

Also see this other journey to life blog
<< How to stop being a people pleaser >>

Join Desteni I Process Pro
or Desteni I Process Lite offered at the top of the page

For reading on an alternative to the current Capitalistic System:
Equal Money Capitalism

The Equal Money System
as well as:
The Equal Life Foundation - Bill of Rights:

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Monday, May 27, 2013

Day 84 My Experience with a few Destonians – A Breath of Fresh Air

Equal Money System

The other day I got to meet and spend the day with 2 Destonians that are in an agreement with each other. I 
must say it was an extraordinary day! It was a breath of fresh air so to speak. I got to see two young Destonians ages under 30yrs really making a difference. I got to listen to their stories and share mine of who we have been and where we were headed in life until we got involved with Desteni. I got to hear how they have worked on their self’s for these past 5 years with Self honesty and Self forgiveness to the point where they are learning how to become the self directed principle in their life and learning to understand the principle of living life as what is best for all.  Note – we are not there yet, but that is the goal we are all working towards, which take constant dedication to understand what it means to be self honest, what it means to see how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to live as emotional programs that have been set in place to manipulate and control us, to the point where we don’t question the state of our world that we all share, or that we look for solutions in dilutions of imaginary thinking.

The agreement was not the typical relationship that we have been programmed to follow. It was a couple who’s main reason to be together was to assist and support each other to support living a life that is best for all. Now let me ask you – have you ever gotten into a relationship where you thought – how can we work towards a better life for all of humanity? Most people get together for self interest only. How can that person make me feel good? What can that person give to me?  I want that person all to myself and I want them to make me happy.  Thus this is why I say it was a breath of fresh air. Not the stale air we has humanity has been accepting and allowing, where our only goal is to find someone to make us happy as we ignore all the suffering and abuse that is going on in the world. See this was the plan – to make us consumers of self only happiness so we would not want to change the world – because then we remain ignorant slaves to the emotional mind which is amazing easy to control.

We talked about our experiences with insights into ourselves, how we are working on and seeing points about emotional addictions. We talk about this amazing educational tool called TechnoTutor that will help children of any age to learn the importance of words and to where they can make a difference in their life and not just be a product of our emotional programming. We shared food and coffee together, we played with the dog.

What was really cool is I have known them via Desteni for 5 years, because Destonians share our progress with each other through blogs, group chats and forums, but I never met them in person. I felt so natural to be around them. It is amazing to be with people who are working on themselves in self honesty in a way that can make a difference for the world. Thanks for the visit!

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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Day 83 Exlporing Emotion via DIP Lite - Anger

Anger and being Overwhelmed 

Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation.

Step 2: Explore the word through writing an example of how you have lived this word within your life:

I have had all forms of anger in my life - Where I have blamed another for not living up to my expectations of them. Now though I am redefining anger to not one of "blame" to/towards someone or something, but where I am seeing/learning and understanding that anger as blame in the past has only put me in self pity mode, which is unproductive. Blaming someone or something does not change anything. It is about seeing the anger and then coming up with a practical solution for change.

My most promote experience of anger recently is the point I have been working on which is being overwhelmed where in I was getting angry at the "interpretation" that I had of "to much to do" and "not enough time." Within this I saw that I was blaming the things I had to do - and then within this I was angry at the things I had to do. Thus the anger was blame to/towards doing things!

I have mentioned before Anu's interview (1584-how-do-i-stop-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-189) where he says to notice stress - so this has helped as my stress was because of anger having to get things done. What I also noticed was the reason this overwhelmness and anger was not going away was because I was suppressing it. I did not really understand the difference between suppressing something and letting it go (SF,) by suppressing it I thought I was not following the thoughts, but what was really happening was that I had the thoughts anyway as backchat. For example – SCA (Self Corrective Application) - is then not allowing yourself to follow the thoughts or accept and allow the thoughts. What I was doing wrong with the SCA - is seeing the thoughts but in the secret mind I was blaming the thoughts for still being there! Thus I did not know how to forgive myself, or what that really meant. Finally it clicked – I said to myself – gee – I am not forgiving myself. Thus I saw for me, what was the subtle understanding of the difference between suppression (which I thought was not accepting and allowing the emotion) and real self forgiveness and SCA.

Join DIPLite and redefine your emotions to one of self support.

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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Day 82 I Am Not My Body = Arrogance and Self Interest

Yesterday I had a ton of energy and work most all day on research for a Desteni video – Today I feel sluggish and tired – and physically not feeling great – interesting – what the heck happened that would make a difference from yesterday to today?

What I did yesterday is not eat a good dinner – I made a good breakfast – then junk food at night – that could be it? I got lazy and did not want to cook something good. That could be it – And I was on a high that day – I felt good physically and mentally – thus this can also be the polarity manic swing.
I want to start to track my daily thinking and actions more extensively.
Right now I made a good breakfast – and already I am feeling better – I noticed an anxiety coming up – I use to get anxiety attacks. After I am eating it is lessening.

I loved reading “The Starting” Point by Ken Cousens today (See Link at bottom of Page) I am looking forward to when more and more people wake up from their self interest hypnotic state so we can start to really live and enjoy life. This is a must to read if you care about Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent with eating right daily. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become lazy and come up with higher than thou excuses as to why it is okay to not eat right everyday.

The higher than thou means, that in my mind I think I am greater than the body – I think that I can get away with things just because I think of them. Like you don’t have to eat – you are not your body. Geee. This is coming from my idea that I conjoined up that I am not from this planet – I don’t belong here, and that my mind is who I am – my thoughts are who I am, and to a great extent that is true. As my thought generated my actions – but to think that I am not also this body and to understand that I am also within this body that allows life in the physical to be experienced is pure egomania which I see now I still am operating from this starting point. Lol – funny I can see my mind when I remember why I did not eat last night – it was pure ego – I AM – I can get away with this – cause I AM. Wow – I did not see until now that I still play that card… But I am a creator – I know this – but what I am missing is that to consider all of life as me. I wanted to get to a point to where we don’t have to eat – and maybe one day that will happen, but my starting point is I want to do this to be greater than the body – So I can say I transcended the body = ego style. It is arrogance and self interest.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize that I have been accepting and allowing myself to still use the “ I am greater than what is Here” card as justifications to not doing something. When I don’t even know what greater than here even means…lol. It is like a supper hero in my own mind – a greater than fantasy that I have unconsciously been holding onto. Like don’t take away my belief in fairytales! I have my own fairytale that I have used to not take responsibility. It is my safety net for the mind. So I don’t want to let it go completely.
When and if I see myself sneaking in the I am greater that what needs to be done as backchat and excuses I stop and breath then write out these thoughts/ideas/ and beliefs that stop me from participating as Life in the and as the physical.
I commit myself to see and understand the I want to be greater than program that I have been accepting and allowing to still participate in within my secret mind backchat.

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