Thursday, January 16, 2014

Day 105 Don’t Tell Me What to Do

As I work on my Boss Woes Mind Constructs with the Desteni I Process – I have been re-seeing that I do
"CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself"
already knew to do it. Thus my self importance as pride felt like it was being attacked. As I look back on my life I see that my pride was very important to me. It is really another layer of wanting to be liked. I also would not want people to do something for me that I could do – I wanted to show them that I could do it. Thus building up myself as pride.
Interesting I am a double Leo – The pride of the lion! Lol – It was important to me that others saw me as worthy. This is really cool to see how I was so attached to my pride. Where in it would cause many times a lot of “emotional” unnecessary suffering for me, though out my life, I did not see it as suffering so to speak – I just saw it as “that is the way it is.”

I have a memory of when I was around 13yrs old. I was outside in my back yard putting up a tent. The neighbor boy came over and wanted to help me. I said “No – I can do!” And I would not let him help. My mother was watching this through the window. After the neighbor boy left she called me into the house and said “Why didn’t you let him help? He was just wanting to hang out with you and play.” I was in a bit of a shock when she said that. What was going on in my mind was that I like him and I wanted him to like me so I wanted to show him how cool I was because I could put up the tent! I remember doing this to him many times. Like wanted to better than him, so he would think I was cool and like me. The thing is I was pushing him away! Lol! I would be so wrapped up in proving myself that I did not take into consideration the other person at all. Interesting enough, somehow I did get a lot of friends. But I see now, it was because I was always doing things for them, so they would think I was cool. I wanted the attention and to build up self esteem as pride.

So the suffering so to speak would be for example how I reacted to my boss when she told me what to do, which is in the previous post. I became angry with backchat thoughts like she does not see me as worthy, doesn’t she see how good I am, I became judgmental and resentful towards her, I blamed her for not being different towards me. Things are better now that I have seen this and understand that suffering only comes because we believe in our self importance to where we can see nothing else. I can now see her as she is just doing her job, just making sure things get done, where I do not take how she is or what she does personally. I just say okay. And that is that. Its over, I do not go home anymore with resentment. This is also affecting my other relationship – where I would take things said or done personally if they do not agree with me or see it my way. They have there own way to see things, where I do not have to take offence about it anymore. Drop the pride and be free!  Next post I will share some self forgiveness on this point.

Related Posts Boss Woes Continued - Boss Woes

I have been doing the Art of Self Investigation for 6 years now. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery
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Saturday, January 11, 2014

Day 104 Practical Perception and Interfering – Inner Fear

English: Aristotle's idea of perception
English: Aristotle's idea of perception (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had another shock from my friend –whom is sorta living with me. I agreed to watch Molly (her dog) while she was gone for 3 weeks, just to note I did receive payment for this, and Molly is really sweet). I talked to her the other day and she said she was staying another month.

My reaction at first was anger. I had a flood of backchat come rushing in.
Like I don’t want to watch Molly for another month. I was looking forward to have a break. She should have told me that it was going to be for a whole month longer. Then I went into the idea believe that I feel like I am being used. Pride issue’s came up, or maybe better to say self interest issues came up. One being that I am not being respected for what I want. That I do not want to have a dog to worry after. I already did that with my cat and other animals for 18yrs. It was amazing really as this flood of idea’s about who I “wanted’ to be came up. In Desteni we call these our made up personalities. I got to see how ridged I was. Meaning I had idea’s about how I wanted to live my life. I had what you can say as conditions to how I should and wanted to live.

So I started to then investigate these ideas I had. For example:
I “should” not have to be having the responsibility for a pet. I already did this.
Then I looked at my life – like – I looked into the future from the now. What am I doing with my life anyway? I had decided that I have enough chores and commitments going on to where I became ridged in that belief. And thus became resentful at my friend for not seeing this. Lol – But how can she know if I am not honest and do not tell her?
I mean I could of said no - but I felt guilty to say that. So I investigated that.
Do I really want to say no? Yes and no! I did want to say no, because I felt that I was being intruded upon, as a principle of pride. When I dropped the pride principle, I asked myself again, do I want to watch Molly for another month. And what came up was yes – I want to support my friend to do what she needs to do. I would want that for myself. To have someone who can help if I was in her situation.

So why do I call this practical perception. Because I can only perceive the outside world from within myself- meaning my world is made up of my beliefs. Did I want to perceive from the separate I – ego which was involving the idea that I need pride and what ever that meant to me, or did I want to perceive from another point of view. I realized that watching Molly for longer and helping my friend would not hurt me and that really it was not taking anything away from me. Which I had a perception in my mind of made up ideas/beliefs that this is interfering with my life!
Really how can anything interfere with life? Life is Life – it is only our ideas about it that would cause something we would call interfering - Inner –fear.
So I have made up these inner fears as believe and ideas of how and who I thought I wanted to be.
What a cool realization – real I seeing - for me - As it set me free from my limited perceptions.

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Friday, January 3, 2014

Day 103 Boss Woes Continued

Cover of "Don Juan: the Sorcerer (audio C...
Cover of Don Juan: the Sorcerer (audio CD)

Confronting The Petty Tyrant

Continuing from: Boss Woes "Next post I will share what I found out about myself and how I was able to get past these feelings and emotions - It has to do with: Judging Others is Protecting Self Importance.

As I was engaging in self frustration over how my boss was treating me I remembered the word "petty tyrant." This a tern Don Juan used from the Carlos Castaneda books. I  found two articles that I read - one was Confronting the Petty Tyrant, I think it is defiantly worth a read as it helped me see what was going on in regards to me reactions. And the other article called The Petty Tyrant

Here is what I noticed after reading some posts on petty tyrants which is what DonJuan called mean people (my words)

After I read those articles I changed my "perception" of how I saw her and me. The most prominent point Don Juan said that struck me was - A petty tyrant can only influence us because we have "Self Importance"

How to deal with your boss

Thing are better because I changed ( I dropped my self importance)

I did some research on petty tyrant – and found and then realizes that the reason one would have a reaction with them is because of the idea of Self Importance – meaning I would believe that my “pride was attacked” – thus I now do not accepted and allow this anymore within me. So I applied this going to work which is explained below

Other things I noticed

Seems she (boss) has been nicer to me lately but what I have seen within me is that she is a mirror to my moods. Thus if I was having a bad day, frustration with myself because I believe that I am not doing enough to get my website business going and struggling with wanting to do things that I think I should – then I go to work with that and thus I am already in a defensive mood – thus I take everything she does personally. These last two weeks I have been aware of my emotional tone when I go to work.

 I try to be aware of my backchat to want to blame her for not being how I think she should be and if I see her in a mood, instead to go into fear and judgment towards her, I am practicing being stable and if she does something that would of upset me in the past – I now let it go and realize it is not my job to change her and I look for was to be supportive for what she may be going through.

 I am also now doing this with my roommate – instead of become offended because I believed she was not treating me how I wanted her to or thought she should – which is what she was thinking about me – it is like I am swallowing my pride or I could say I am stopping the need to be right within my mind –and then I am able to see what needs to be done in the moment.

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