Saturday, December 28, 2013

Day 102 Boss Woes

Saturday, December 28, 2013
Boss Woes 

I was having a big reaction to my boss. I will share a rant and rave I did about. Rant and Rave is part of the Desteni I Process to see our minds that create our emotions and feelings.

Rant and Rave

Giving me angry looks while working
Many times while I am on the floor taking care of the customers or when I have to walk back in the kitchen she will give me this mean look – and I know soon she is going to complain about something – but sometimes she does not say anything to me. And if I get the chance I will ask her if she is okay. When I see though mean looks I don’t know what is going on with her.
Feeling of being antagonized, I become uneasy, like what now is she mad about, feel like I am being judged and attacked and disliked.

Telling me to do things that I already know to do

She, from out of the blue will say something to me that is not nice. Meaning she yells at me to do something, usually something that I am going to do and have been doing it for 16 yrs now. Then she will accuse me of not wanting to do it! When this happens I get very upset. For example, I will be finishing up with a customer and a new costumer is coming in the door – and if she is next to me she will say “Pay attention there is a costumer!”, in an reprimanding tone, when I just about to greet them.
She will say that table needs cleaned – when I already know that (I have been a waitress for 35 years!) I had planed to get to it as soon as I was finished with something else.

Being angry at me for something I did 2 months ago

I can go on and on about the many times she treats me like this. For example one time she was treating me like shit for 2 months, just dirty looks and snapping at me every day. I finally asked her what was wrong, why is she doing that. Usually she will deny that anything is wrong when I ask her. But I insisted and said you seem to be angry with me. Well then she told me – that 2 months ago I did not give her a dozen eggs for free. She is the one who said she wants the eggs, and I told her they were not mine to give– but my landlord ask that I help her to sell them when we have enough. So here she was angry at me, and she told me I was cheap, and did not like to share, and what ever else. Then she actually sort of apologized and said that I am just a really honest person, and that is good.

The point is she is treating me like shit again, and I am tired of it, I do not like to confront her, because she always at first gets very defensive – she is Korean, and gets hyper expressive. (Angry) and that throws me off. Meaning, I then can get defensive back at her if I am not stable.

Fear when I go to work

Not knowing what type of mood she will be in and if I am going to get yelled at or not.
What this is doing is making me feel inferior when I go to work. I am feeling like a dog who is scared of its master because he might get kicked for what appears like no reason.

Next post I will share what I found out about myself and how I was able to get past theses feelings and emotions - It has to do with: Judging Others is Protecting Self Importance

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Thursday, December 26, 2013

Day 101 Learning to Live as Patients

Duality of Mind
Duality of Mind (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
This is a "thought bubble". It is an...
This is a "thought bubble". It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Where, such moment of ‘Impatience’ are actually moments where we come face-to-face with space and time, face-to-face with the movement of Physical Reality – but we’re not able to ‘handle it’, because of being used to the quantum time / fast-paced movement of our mindsthoughts/thinking/reacting/imagining that creates the illusion of everything happening ‘now, now, now’. Whereas, in physical reality: things move through sequences of events where one is dependent on others / other things to get things moving in the physical, but in the mind – we’re only dependent on our own thoughts/imaginations/reactions – that moves REALLY FAST. Read more at

Wavering from my Scheduled

This is a hard one for me – as I do have so many quantum thoughts – many of them good ideas to get what needs to be done in the physical. But what happens then with me is I know I do not have the time to get to them all and I use that as a distraction as to what to actually do. So I am making a schedule – which I had done already – but I was not sticking to it. I would at times stick to it – but then I waiver.

It should not be this way

What is feels like and what goes through my mind as backchat is that life should not be this way. It should not be about daily schedules all the time. I hear my back chat saying, you will miss the spontaneity of life, which really means, doing what I want to do when I want. I always thought that was the goal for life – to get to a point where you can be free- and then you have made it! Lol. So to be honest, I really don’t know. Well now that I am thinking about it – it is really I do not want to let go of the idea of becoming free – even though I see now it is just an idea – meaning having a schedule and sticking to it, can also be seen as freedom!

What is Life

 Now I am hearing – okay you died – what did you do while alive in the physical – I had a schedule and stuck to it! Lol – Within this I am seeing that I think that life in the physical is a goal. Some kind of goal. Instead of just movement in the moment – without having to have a goal or meaning. Yet I truly believe that there must be a group change in consciousness, meaning that for us as humans I think we lost our true awareness – and replaced it – or allowed ourselves to only see in self interest and self importance and that is why we have a world of greed that is the cause of abuse in the world. And that we have to gather as a group and support each other to stop living/ accepting and allowing ourselves to live as the MCS, which only supports self interest as ego glorification.

So I am here getting my back chats written down, so I can see them, so I can stop accepting and allowing them as excuses.

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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Day 100 Distractions, Real or Imaginary

All in the Mind (novel)
All in the Mind (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

False Mind Distractions

Okay I thought I was distracted before – now I have given myself even more opportunities for distraction by having a roommate/friend move in– but what is revealing about this is – that the distraction I had before were all in the mind – thus not real – and now I have some real distractions – So what this has showed me is that – I have made up the distractions before – and now I have real ones – so it is like I manifested it into the physical!! Geee. But also interesting enough – is that I can now see physical distractions that I know I need to work around and stay focused. Thus showing me my other mind distraction were really excuses and how silly it was to engage in them. Seems I am more determined or it seems more valid to push through the real physical distractions than the imaginary ones…

Physical Distractions

 Interesting... I wonder why that is so? Why am I thinking it is more important to push through the physical distractions than the mind ones? And I seem more motivated…Well it is not like I did not want to push through the mind distractions it is that it just seemed harder – like relentless backchat chatter all the time. And now I have something tangible to deal with as in Real physical distractions.
What I am seeing is that life is showing me through reality that I can do it? Am I saying the I see the imaginary ones of mind backchat and chatter as more difficult? – Yes I am saying that… But it does not make sense that it should be so. Thus another reveling aspect of the MCS that I have been accepting and allowing. I think the mind backchat is greater than me. But I can see that this is something I learned and perfected – to believe the mind is superior to life – to what is here and Real.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe the mind backchat and chatter are more real than what is really here.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe that distraction in the mind as imaginations are real than what is actually true.

The bottom line is that I don’t want to do some things – and then that is when I accept and allow mind distractions – trying to valid to myself why I don’t want to do something.

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Monday, December 23, 2013

Day 99 Suppression or Standing?

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Not following the mind – is not fun  

Not following the mind – is not fun – following the mind give energetic experience that we perceive to be life – this is the hardest thing for me to accept as the mind loves attention. And when I say “me” it is the mind me that I am accepting and allowing.

The biggest Con

I am seeing that the biggest con that I follow is to allow myself to become scattered and confused as to what is important on a to do list. And as I start doing things I then tend to get many ideas that can support what I am doing, then I go off tract into a different direction instead to stay with one thing. Then I become overwhelmed and discouraged. There are times when I feel disciplined and I push through – but then what happens is I perceive that as a struggle – like I am struggling to keep disciplined and that it should not be that way – that I need a break from pushing myself – I need to let the mind go and follow its curiosity – which now that I think about it –is the idea of being free…So I as the mind think I am free when I can do what ever I want and being disciplined is lack of freedom. These are the excuses I get when I am thinking.

 Being a human feels like such a burden lately. And then I fear that I am even thinking that – as I give it power – these thoughts – but then My biggest deal so to speak – is that I don’t know the difference yet between suppressing a thought and thinking that I am standing up to it – but in reality it is festering to be seen.

Am I stable or not?

It has been two days since I wrote the above- and I am seeing the importance of getting these thoughts and emotions out in writing – I am addressing them – taking a look at them and investigating them within me. I am starting to see the difference between – not looking at something which I would think of as standing up – meaning I will not follow those thoughts and suppressing the thoughts. It is difficult though – the belief that you are not accepting and allowing these thoughts – and suppressing the thoughts. The only way I can tell is if I am still energetically responding or acting out = not stable – but even then I can lie to myself about it. Meaning I can think I am stable but I am really not…

I  forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use and follow the mind as scattered - thus allowing myself to be come confused and then not directing myself at all - through the idea and belief of fear of not knowing what to do when. Thus I allow myself to become distracted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I need a reward for when I push through - but that reward is counter productive to what i have just done!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe life is a burden because I believe that I have so many choices that I accept and allow myself to become confused and overwhelmed at what is most important - thus using the excuse of fear of not doing "the right thing first."
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Sunday, December 22, 2013

Day 98 Roommate Quarrel

Friday, December 20, 2013

3 hour emotional conversation    
"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable

So last night I had 3 hour emotional conversation with my roommate. It was emotional because it was about blame and honesty. I was hiding my true feelings about something – and my roommate knew it. I didn’t want to admit them because I felt bad even thinking about them. Like I should be above this... So I didn’t say anything, but my actions where showing different than I was saying. She stuck in there demanding I was not treating her right, where it turned into a heated and emotion discussion – and I was denying it.

Hiding my feelings

I will tell you want it was – I did not want her here as a roommate. And what I am seeing is this is because of past roommates. I don’t trust them and it has always been a problem more than a good experience to me. Mostly many of my roommates did not want to work, or had other ideas then working – And there preference was to party at the house. And many times I would come home to a house full of people who were drinking and doing drugs, and I would need my rest, so I could go to work the next day.

Projecting my fears

 So I was projecting my fears of being used for a place to live and expecting me to do things for others at my expense. There is more to it than I will go into at the moment. So anyway my roommate now could feel this, and she was feeling uncomforted to be here, saying I am paying rent but don’t feel welcomed. And there is the issue of it is a very small place, and I use the excuse of getting distracted because now there is a dog and another person who needs my attention and I then feel it is taking time away from the things I need to do. And also the point where I do not like confrontation, so therefore I avoid saying what I am truly experiencing in fear of confrontation.

So it finally did come out and I did admit that she was right. And I said thank you for sticking in there and not allowing my lies. She said she that it was just something she was feeling in her body, that there was something going on, and that every time I said it is not me I am not doing that - she would become more upset and more words came out, until finally I saw she was right.  I felt disappointed in myself - that I fear to speak up. I have learned not to do that because at one time I use to tell the truth, but I got hurt for it. So I started to hold my thoughts to myself. And then secretly judged and blamed within my mind. I feel very uncomfortable to say what is on my mind with others, and I have to learn how to be honest in a way that can support all of us. I understand the fear makes one vulnerable to attack.

I understand that it is not that I have to tell another everything I am thinking (as saying the truth). But I do need to see it when I am lying to myself and then to SF, and if needed to converses with another, find a way to do it with out blame and look for a solution to the situation.

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Friday, December 20, 2013

Day 97 Not knowing where to start.

I have been not wanting to write – because when I think of others that will read this – it feels I will not be supportive to them. This doenst mean the Desteni group as they understand what it means to write to freedom. But others who might read it that do not as yet understand. So what does that mean for me – I fear prosecution by what other think. So see there I caught myself in a lie – I reason I say I think it wont be supportive is because what I really fear is prosecution as what others will think. And as I go down the rabbit hole with this – it is the fear of not being liked – and that fear leads to the fear of not being accepted. I am still dealing with these types of thoughts… I want to stop.

Not only this is the problem – what I have been doing is to think if I can work consistently and get my website business going – then I will have the time to devote to Desteni – the idea being – that the longer it takes to get the website to produce an income - the long it will be to have that income and my sources are running out. But what I am seeing today is that I have compromised myself by not blog writing at least every week… I am a compete mess – and it has not been supportive to me not to write. So I am deciding to day to make writing weekly a priority instead of my work – I was using the excuse of time – needed to make income fast – to the determent of writing which helps me stay in perspective.
Gee… writing is the time I have with MYSELF – I need that – or I get sucked into the matrix whorl wind. Unfortunately for me – I have been told this – to keep consistent with writing – but I am one who has to learn the “hard way” so to speak – I have to make my learning my own – meaning I do not trust hear say – I need to experience it myself to have a complete understanding within my being. But in away this is also a good thing, as we are told to question everything – which I have always done anyway.

But on the other hand – it is a shame that each one of us has to have first hand experience before we believe something. For example – the reason that we accepted and allow abuse to others, like allowing poverty to exist is because we have not experienced poverty for ourselves – so we do not see or care that it is a problem. We are so separated from each other – we see another human – and say “they” “them” – like they are not one of us….and thus there problems are not ours. Funny we do want others to help us when we think we need it – but we don’t see that we all – as a human race need to help each other…

And another thing I am seeing with my process is that I fear time – I fear not knowing how much time I should spend on each project that I need to do – I fear not getting it done – so I will cram and sometime work 18hrs straight to get something done – then I am burned out for a bit.
That’s it for then post- as I am seeing I can go on and on. So I will stop here for now. And try to make these into separate posts as I continue to rant my thoughts.


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