Day 98 Roommate Quarrel

Friday, December 20, 2013

3 hour emotional conversation    

"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable
2013

So last night I had 3 hour emotional conversation with my roommate. It was emotional because it was about blame and honesty. I was hiding my true feelings about something – and my roommate knew it. I didn’t want to admit them because I felt bad even thinking about them. Like I should be above this... So I didn’t say anything, but my actions where showing different than I was saying. She stuck in there demanding I was not treating her right, where it turned into a heated and emotion discussion – and I was denying it.

Hiding my feelings

I will tell you want it was – I did not want her here as a roommate. And what I am seeing is this is because of past roommates. I don’t trust them and it has always been a problem more than a good experience to me. Mostly many of my roommates did not want to work, or had other ideas then working – And there preference was to party at the house. And many times I would come home to a house full of people who were drinking and doing drugs, and I would need my rest, so I could go to work the next day.

Projecting my fears

 So I was projecting my fears of being used for a place to live and expecting me to do things for others at my expense. There is more to it than I will go into at the moment. So anyway my roommate now could feel this, and she was feeling uncomforted to be here, saying I am paying rent but don’t feel welcomed. And there is the issue of it is a very small place, and I use the excuse of getting distracted because now there is a dog and another person who needs my attention and I then feel it is taking time away from the things I need to do. And also the point where I do not like confrontation, so therefore I avoid saying what I am truly experiencing in fear of confrontation.

So it finally did come out and I did admit that she was right. And I said thank you for sticking in there and not allowing my lies. She said she that it was just something she was feeling in her body, that there was something going on, and that every time I said it is not me I am not doing that - she would become more upset and more words came out, until finally I saw she was right.  I felt disappointed in myself - that I fear to speak up. I have learned not to do that because at one time I use to tell the truth, but I got hurt for it. So I started to hold my thoughts to myself. And then secretly judged and blamed within my mind. I feel very uncomfortable to say what is on my mind with others, and I have to learn how to be honest in a way that can support all of us. I understand the fear makes one vulnerable to attack.

Solution:
I understand that it is not that I have to tell another everything I am thinking (as saying the truth). But I do need to see it when I am lying to myself and then to SF, and if needed to converses with another, find a way to do it with out blame and look for a solution to the situation.

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EQAFE

Equal Life Foundation
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- See more at: http://christineannhansen.blogspot.com/2013/12/day-448-living-income-guaranteed.html#d=4&g=1&fl=0&gs=0&fs=0&su=0&r=0&p=0&s=1&rr=1

 Desteni
  Desteni DIP Lite Course - Learn Essential Life Skills

EQAFE

Equal Life Foundation
  Living Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation
  Living Income Guaranteed
  Journey to Life Blog

- See more at: http://christineannhansen.blogspot.com/2013/12/day-448-living-income-guaranteed.html#d=4&g=1&fl=0&gs=0&fs=0&su=0&r=0&p=0&s=1&rr=1

Related articles

• 5 Ways To Keep Your Roommates From Driving You Insane
• 25 Tips To Have A Successful Roommate Relationship

Day 40: Mother Stuff Pt 2 Wanting Me to Look Cute

I like big hair and I cannot lie. (Photo credit: Serena.)

This is a continuation from Mother Stuff Pt 1 Wanting me to Look Cute

Self  Forgiveness Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated because Mom fussed over the cloths I was to wear so I would look cute.

I forgive myself that at a young age I was being infused with the “must look cute program” even though I resisted it – I was still owned by the idea because I accepted and allowed myself to judge mom and people who wanted to look cute/good for others so they would be accepted and complemented on how they looked by what cloths and hair they wore. And thus this was infused into me even though I resisted it.

I forgive myself that I at a young age did not like being looked at because I felt I was being judged for how I looked feeling that if I did not look this certain way that mom and aunt liked that they would be displeased and annoyed. And thus within this I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I looked to others as I feared being disapproved of because I was not wearing the right cloth or hair.

I forgive myself that even though I resisted my Mom and her friends to want me to look cute as I felt at that age they were doing it for themselves and not for what was best for me but doing it so that they would feel like “good mothers because we looked cute” as I got older I did not want to dress for others but I did though I resented it and hated it and thus within this I hated my Mom and her friends because I believe they where dishonest by wanting to live and please others/ wanting approval to be seen as “good mothers.”

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to hate my Mom and her friends, to blame my Mom and her friends for making/wanting me to look cute – thus within this I have allowed myself to blame my Mother for my insecurity about looking cute/ dressing cute/ wearing my hair cute that every time I go to dress or I look in the mirror I worried about if I had the right cloths on that would look cute and if I could get my hair to look nice. And thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to most of my life worry what I look like that has caused stress for me when I went to get dressed or tried to fix my hair.