Sunday, August 26, 2012

Day 37: Mother Stuff - Wanting Me to look Cute Pt 1

English: Screenshot of Grace Kelly and Cary Gr...
English: Screenshot of Grace Kelly and Cary Grant from the trailer of the film en:To Catch a Thief (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mother Stuff Wanting Me to look Cute PT 1

I am now doing a Mind Construct on Mother Influence programming.

Within this realize that I am not blaming my mother per say or other Mothers – but to see how we carry the “Sins of our Fathers/Mothers” so we can break the chains of our conditionings/believes that we have accepted and allowed within us that rule our life as attachments to emotional believes.

My Mom wanted to be an actress. When she was in her early 20’s she went to NYC to become an actress. She was disillusioned by the “couch” interviews meaning that these acting scouts were wanting sex in exchange in considering you for a part. Anyway she then wanted to get into modeling. I don’t know much of the story just bits and pieces I would hear from my mother.

What I remember of my experience with my mom was how see watched TV movies or shows. I could see this longing in her eyes as she watched the Movies they showed on TV back then, like Cary Grant, Marlon Brando, Clark Gable and Grace Kelly. She wanted to be the actress. She was actually in plays in our home town. I did not know much about this, meaning I don’t remember going to see a play, but I now see how she would want to influence my life by what she believed.

The most frustrating thing and hurtful thing I remember as I was growing up was my mother always wanted me to look different. Meaning she was always on me about how my hair looked and the cloths I wore. I realized she wanted me to “look good”, so she would “look good” as a mother. Now I am not saying it is a bad thing to dress nicely and such, but what I would perceive as a kid is that my mother did not approve of me. The way she expressed it was like a frustration – that I was not looking right, how she thought I should. I remember her saying when you were born I was praying you had long eyelashes. And when she would complement me it would be that I had nice legs…

She never complemented me on myself – as a person – it was about how I looked physically.

I became very rebellious because of this. I would want to talk to her about things I was feeling or going through and she would dismiss it and say something like – are you going to do something with your hair? I never was able to talk to her, she never got to know ME – she just wanted a picture presentation of how she wanted her kid to look.

As I write this, the old feelings of sadness come up. Sadness that was all my mother could see, sadness that we could not talk as persons about what we were experiencing for real. I know that is what she was taught. Not to show emotions or question them. If you look good that should be enough.

How this affected me is up until recently when I looked in the mirror I could hear my mothers voice saying “Is that how you are doing your hair? Is that what you are going to wear?” And I would worry, will mom approve of these cloth, or my hair?

There were other aspects of this as well. Mom wanted to look good in the eyes of others as being a good Mother. She wanted her brother’s approval. He was like the Man/authority figure in her family, more so than even her husband/my father. I will go more into this later as to how this affected me.
For now I can say that this behavior of wanting me to look good – like a model – wearing the right cloths of her idea of fashion and hair make be very self conscious, with drawn around new people as I felt they were judging me like my mother, I always felt not pretty enough. Even though I did not like what she was doing and knew she was doing it so she could look good – I still was influenced by this.

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