Saturday, March 23, 2013

Day 75 Disappointment turned into Procrastination.

English: Procrastination Crossword
English: Procrastination Crossword (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I continue to investigate what and how I lived the past as a continuation of anger as suppression turned 
into disappointment for feeling and thinking like I was not supported along with many other things has manifested itself into my life at this time. This has led up to the point whe
re I have been almost completely unable to move without great effort to get things done. Within this I have been making myself sick with the constant backchat and fear of my own procrastination. And the fear that I know I am doing this and have not been able to stop.

Thus I am grateful that I found a name for this – that I can actually see the disappointment personality where as I had not seen it in this way before. What I am grateful for is because I just thought I had a sever problem with procrastination, and no matter what I did, it never went away – and then to the point of fearing it which of course makes it even worse.

Now I see that it is not really “procrastination” like a disorder. It is the idea and belief that I am and have lived life as disappointing – thus- duh – why would I want to do things, if life was disappointing? I see that I can correct this – that I can change my idea that life is disappointing instead to see these areas of what I have termed disappointment to living my life as a solution/ looking for a solution that would be best for the situation. I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been going into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

Disillusionment to Disappointment
I have been accepting and allowing myself to become disillusioned and disappointed that I can’t do anything –

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment, because I am disillusion by what is happening here as life as slavery and then go into energetic expression as depression.
OMG – I have to get OVER MYSELF!!

OMG Get over yourself Adele – lol! Quit going into feeling disappointed in yourself! And the world As Yourself – Quit being dis-appoint see definition

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.[1] It is a source of psychological stress.[2] The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis,[1][3] as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.[4]

I might be on to something here! Procrastination is really a form of fear of disappointment for me. In area’s like Blog and Dip and My business – things like dishes and things that need to be done – I can do – but like going to the dentist is a fear that I will be disappointed… wow

Enhanced by Zemanta

Friday, March 15, 2013

Day 74 Observing Disappointment Backchat

Deutsch: Phrenologie
Deutsch: Phrenologie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I saw the other day how I became disappointed that the dog next door is out – and now I cannot let Molly out because they fight.

I saw that my first reaction within my mind as backchat was – disappointment. Now things are not going well – oh boy something else to worry about. And within this I felt heavy as in wanting to give up on life as another burden to bare. What I saw within this is how:

I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to when I saw that the dog next door was outside and Molly got upset that I went into disappointment as suppressed anger that now I have to do something different as in not letting Molly out to run free, which I accepted and allowed within my mind to be a nuisances, instead to just see the situation for what it is and to stably make a change that would be best.

I have been seeing that All my breaths were one of disappointment - my whole life - I am now starting to be able to trace this personality that I developed within many of my actions and believes as they come up.

Note: this topic has opened a whole new can of worms or should I say snakes! I edited and posted the chat from today on LF and added some insights I had for myself. I have usually pushed through postponement as energy movement - which I am seeing lately is/was not really dealing with the problem.

My daily thing recently is postponement to work on my start up business. I have been having extreme resistance daily/hourly with this, to the point of panic and fear of failing and the fear that I am having this fear. 
What I saw within the topic of our chat “When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment” is that I am resisting because of past acceptance and allowance of disappointment with business ventures within my life, and also not being supported by my parents in these ventures. 
Mom would say “honey – why don’t you just get a job that pays good benefits.” In other words how I saw it was that she was “disappointed” that I wanted to start a business of my own, and thought it better I just work for someone. So as I get into starting a venture or project and soon afterwards I would start go into fear as disappointed from past experiences. 

Note: Since I have seen this point about living as disappointment- about 2 weeks now, like I have said, I  can see it in my backchat, to the point that now I have been able to direct better.  Just today a kitchen cabinet door broke off its hinges and before when I was not aware of the accumulating disappointment thoughts/backchat I would of went into a mind possession of "Oh No, now this! Gee, now I have to get it fix, there is something else I have to do, my trailer is falling apart, poor me...etc. But as I started to go there I could see - Ah Disappointment character. And I just stopped those thoughts. And I remember I no longer want to accept and allow myself to live life as disappointment. It was almost like - oh cool - this will be easy to fix. :-) LOL
Enhanced by Zemanta

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Day 73 My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment

To recap:
Lost to Apathy
Lost to Apathy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

>> If you're an Introvert, a Silent one, that do not REACT extensively - even in your Mind, but actually SUPPRESS the energies a lot faster, and so much so that there's not enough energy to accumulate into the MIND and or the personality systems - anger can become disappointment, it's more like an Inverted anger, the disappointment, Whereas with extroverts that really express reactions into the MIND and into the World - a lot more energy is Available in the Personality Systems, and so can accumulate reactions of anger into oneself and towards others a lot easier. <<

The point on this topic that really shook me up was this.

THE CONSEQUENCE of this is: That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.

As this is what has been exactly happening to me and I had no idea I was living my life as disappointment. And it has been building up to now at my age I am/(and correcting) living in apathy towards life and have been struggling with Depression. In fact it was becoming severe and I was concerned and worried about this as I did not understand it completely.

As I read the solution, this is an Excerpt -

walk regarding seeing where the apathy/heaviness/lack of motivation affected other areas of your life...

I started to see how I have been living almost every breath as disappointment!

This was huge for me to see this, I was in shock! It just opened up for me a whole new world! - By that I mean at my age, now I can see my life lived mostly as disappointment - that had turned into depression and that the only way I have been moving though it was with "energy " which gets "drained" Thus not seeing my apathy as suppression of continual disappointments though out my life. I was also continually judging myself as a procrastinator - thinking that was the problem and constantly using energy to push through which is exhausting.

RR – I was born disappointed – my first memory is around 3 yrs old when my mom told me to get out of the street and I did not want to – she said I might get hit by a car and I remember thinking – they wont hit me – they will see me and stop – So I became angry because I wanted to stay where I was, as I was exploring. I don’t think I acted in anger – but in my young mind at the time I remember being disappointed towards my mother, for being stupid in a way to make that comment, like why would she say that, doesn’t she know I will be okay? I know this might sounds silly to some, but I am exploring all areas that I can remember to understand why and what lead to my apathy with life. Suppressed emotions build up to mental and physicals problems.

I forgive myself that at age 3 that I had started to accept and allowing myself to live as disappointment towards my mother and adults in general. Any adult that told me what to do where in I did not think it was valid to living. I mean this can be seen as a spoiled brat – but interesting, at that age I was questioning life and what people believed about life and feeling things did not make sense.

>>What I am seeing is that I have been living my life as disappointment – instead of living as a solution…

I will continue with this, as I have been writing and seeing daily, areas in my life where I have accepted and allowed this point to directed me in my life that has caused the suppressed disappointment to build up and turned into depression.
Enhanced by Zemanta

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Day 72 When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment

This is take from a group chat with Sunette Spies

The Disappointment that one will experience in instances where others would React in Anger, where one would become 'disappointed', instead of angry, is because:

This determines one's relationship to Self with regards to being an INTROVERT or an EXTROVERT and this tendency/personality actually also affect your relationship to Energy, meaning:
If you're an Introvert, a Silent one, that do not REACT extensively - even in your Mind, but actually SUPPRESS the energies a lot faster, and so much so that there's not enough energy to accumulate into the MIND and or the personality systems - anger can become disappointment, it's more like an Inverted anger, the disappointment, Whereas with extroverts that really express reactions into the MIND and into the World - a lot more energy is Available in the Personality Systems, and so can accumulate reactions of anger into oneself and towards others a lot easier
SO - this specific explanation is ONLY in the Dimension of when you become disappointed; when others would usually react in anger

Question > interesting Sunette, I was thinking that maybe the disappointment would come once the anger energy was used up/ exerted by other means, like disappointment being 'the remains'. Answer >that is so - but, some really don't become extensively angry, as throughout their lives, they suppress extreme reactions/energies immediately into the physical body; so most of the energy-physical relationships gets seated/stored into the body and less express into the conscious/subconscious mind.

Q >Sunette so anger is equal to disappointment? A> no - it is similar, but two opposites - with Anger, you accumulate and exert Externally, with Disappointment instead of Anger,, you invert the reactions more into yourself/towards yourself and express a 'calmness' but you're not REALLY calm, lol - all of the energy is stored into the Body.

THE CONSEQUENCE of this is: That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.

Q> could you explain the difference then, of disappointment and shame? A> we can attend to that in chats to come - difference between Shame and disappointment.
Q> is this depression? A> it can eventually accumulate to Depression – yes

So, another difference between Anger exerted and anger as disappointment inverted is: that - with the anger, you go into an adrenaline RUSH in the mind and the body, this usually cause lots of tension on the heart and physical body and then anger inverted as disappointment create an apathy/heaviness, so obviously NEITHER is the solution.
So, How to Deal with Anger and Disappointment as inverted anger:

Q> so is it suggested to explode in anger Sunette? A> No, the Solution for the Disappointment as Anger does NOT MEAN TO EXPLODE...
Q> Are there any specific consequences Sunette of the apathy/heaviness? A> can lead to depression and just not motivating yourself in your Life.

Q>Sunette would it be better to direct it as self forgiveness and breath rather than just drive myself to get over it? A> always Self forgiveness/writing on Points as a platform to start self corrective application, 'just moving' would create a resistance cause you don't know all the dimensions involved with what you're facing

Q> what about those that get angry but do not express it, though it's not a form of disappointment, is that relevant here or is that another construct? A> they do express it - into their Minds, doing it in the Mind/in Reality - the same.

Solution: When the anger is an automatic reaction that just unexpectedly takes over, big problem, cause then you're in a possession already - so, have to REALLY walk your writing/self forgiveness on the anger issues, reflecting on the past, observing the physical/mind signs of when/as a anger possession comes, either in your head or in reality and start practicing stopping that demon before it takes you over.

Q> ok, i see so, if you express the anger in to the mind or in reality is the same, and those that go into disappointment do not express it to themselves either A> yes - there you're looking at two Personality Systems - and how you deal with things, you have one personality system for the outside world, and then another for the inside world and so you can be simultaneously introverted and extroverted.

For disappointment as anger: Here, the Introverts are actually quite fortunate lol, cause you don't have an EXTENSIVE possession in relation to the immediate moment of going into disappointment, so here - you forgive/walk through the REACTION and practice remain stable and not reacting in disappointment, BUT you have an ADDITIONAL process to walk regarding seeing where the apathy/heaviness/lack of motivation affected other areas of your life and have to PUSH through the suppressions in the body that created those reactions and start motivating yourself more.

Q> can the disappointment be like a giving up, a self pity, like a not worth even being angry that comes after the initial anger - or is that still being aware of being angry, and thus is still being angry? A>Yes, there you quantify a moment from anger to disappointment/suppression.

Q> would the unconscious points of anger towards parents with energy charge manifest in moments where irritation or annoyance occur, where it is slight, but frequent. Just trying to see how to investigate the point, besides looking at my experience in the dream, or would that be a place to start? A> Yes - exactly, those little moments, actually come from memories still charged in the body/the unconscious.

Q> I always considered those who have instant anger experiences as "fortunate" because they can let it out - rather than carrying the heaviness around with them for days on end. A> no letting it out is even MORE consequential, cause they don't in fact let it out, what happens when you explode in anger/live it out, is that the mind will store/layer the energy into the body and systemize the anger MORE and eventually accumulate an entity/system out of the anger, so the more you energize/live it, the more you’re actually creating a system for the Mind.

Q> where and how do those suppressions manifest in the body Sunette? A> n the entire Body - all of it, it layers

Q> I don't understand Sunette - are you saying that both is more consequential? A> yes - letting it out / living it out, definitely consequential.

Q> what happens when someone goes over the boarder and one gets really angry and all of this inverted anger comes out in that instance, when i was younger that happened a lot, now it is gone? A> if it's not happening anymore cool - but, still - work through anger points diligently/specifically not let anger accumulate in the Mind

Q> could we say that being disappointed in others is not being honest with self, self-anger projection? A> disappointment in others in when you had an expectation of the in YOUR MIND, and your mind's expectation got disappointed. This happens when one do not reference reality of a person and their skills and abilities, and either make them more or less in your own mind than what they really are

Q > is crying in anger a way to vent the frustration? and if so is it cool to do so? A> I would always go to Self Forgiveness First -crying is just a release, not the Solution and the root/source will still be in the mind and the physical.

Q> Is there other ways Disappointment can manifest within oneself? A> yes - absolutely, as we said earlier, this is only the dimension of where one reaction in disappointment instead of anger.

Q> is uselessness a consequence of inverted anger? A> uselessness, yes and no - can Contribute to it, but the uselessness is more of an Individual point in itself where one tend to Victimize oneself, it's the Victim-Personality at play here.

Q> I have the impulse of reaction but then I suppress this - I associate this with the fear of confrontation and the fear of the other's reaction against what I say - can you expand on this? A> that would be when you react in fear of others, defining yourself in relation to what your mind is thinking that others may/might when you in fact have no idea, so this is another self-sabotage construct. So, have to look at how you can change this, with instead of FEARING OTHERS in your Mind - simply before you speak, consider others, the environment and situation and what isn’t at that stage appropriate to say/not to say - this is not REACTING, but CONSIDERING reality.

Q> I use to think that people that express anger are out of control now i realize that so are those that suppress anger are out of control also. A> I'd say in some way...we're all out of control in the control of the Mind

Q> can disappointment also be expressed as anger? A> yes - you can accumulate disappointment as an energy that can result/turn into anger

Q> what are the physical organs that can be affected by these points Sunette? A> explosive anger - more specifically the heart and general mental functioning, and then the disappointment, more self-experience in terms of the apathy.

Q> Sunette when reacting to other's facial expression in disappointment - that's not to do with inverted anger but taken someone else' facial expression personal by interpreting based on expectation A> yes, if you react in you in energy to anyone's facial expression - you're interpreting, cause you don't know/haven't asked what exactly the person is experiencing/why they're expressing their face in a certain way.

Q> This is probably for another time, but what makes one an introvert or an extrovert or switch back and forth Sunette? A> introvert and extrovert is a survival mechanism, some remain introverted and others only extroverted, others switch - depends which expression/personality serves their interests/fears/desires more/less depending on relationships and situations.

Q> why do children lash out in spitefulness when angry? is it because they don’t have the vocabulary yet? A> with children - this is an accumulation of energies/experiences they suppressed during being a baby that they were exposed to and how they developed a relationship to that on a beingness/physical level, and yes - because they don't have an vocabulary, they'll express experiences physically.

Q> I found that many of my anger instances would be me scrumbling others words or interpreting behaviors. A> Yes - the Mind seeking opportunity for an energy fix.

Q> i have another question somewhere in the past sometimes if i am having a discussion with a woman and i get angry at her, i get a erection, but i don't get horny how is this possible and even though i am not the guy that do hard sex?
A> can look at Porn/Imaginations in relation to Sex / Rough Sex - where you connected a similar force of energy as anger to sex/porn in your Mind over time and why/how you'd get an erection with becoming angry with women.

Q> Sunette, another question why is it that when one is really angry, thus me in this case i see everything moving very fast, i mean i see all my surrounding in like a fast forward. A> it's not that everything is moving faster, it's that in your Mind you're moving faster in the energy possession
Q> I notice pinching is big in children....where they pinch each others skin or pull hair. A> yes - it's a physical representation of the pain/discomfort/experience they have within themselves and so do unto others.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Friday, March 8, 2013

Day 71 The Cult of Self

outline (Photo credit: flyzipper)

What we have done wrong is to buy into, and accept and allow the Cult of Self- Within the cult of self – one is only concerned with their own welfare. What will make me happy – how can I get what I want - instead to live as a consciousness of what will make all happy. We have forgotten that we are all One – thus the emergence of corporate greed and atrocities that are now destroying our world. The emergence of TV entertainment and shows that focuses on personal individual desires and wants that keeps us divided into self gratification at all costs. And it is costing us our lives and planet that we live on. We have been taught personal survival – not wholeness survival. Where we believe we have to take from another to have what we want. Thus the manifestations of divided and conquer, greed and wars.

If you need proof of this watch this video "The Cult of Self - Chris Hedges "

 How do we stop this? First part is to see it - we have turned a blind eye for the pursuit of personal gratification and look at where we are now, as we as consumers are consuming the world till there is nothing left, without any regard to life.
I have joined with a group of people who want to learn how to stop being consumers of life and learn how to be part of life – life gives life – consuming only takes. Understand that Corporations that are exploiting life for self gain only are a manifestation of what we have become – they are here to show us to Wake Up – because we have created this. If we turn a blind eye to the atrocities and crimes against humanity as the manifestation of corporations, we are turning a blind eye to a life that will sustain and support us all. 

Within this group called Desteni – is the point to create a New Destiny. First is the wake up call to see what we have done as self interest beings, not caring for the common good of all, but only our own interests. Then to recreate ourselves through self forgiveness, because once you see the truth of what we have become, it will be mind blowing. Which is the point – as the mind has been programmed as self interest. After the wake up call comes changing self – which is a process, we have never done this, we have never stopped the self interest mind program, because we thought it is who we are, and we actually defend it because the ego is afraid to lose itself and become one with all of life- it fears annihilation, thinking that if we become all of life we wont be anything. Lol, Thus why it is important to start working with a group that supports the common interest of life for all things. How do we become One with and as Life – giving life, if we stay separated within our separated believes? 

It feels painful and fearful to give up your self interest desires for happiness, it will even feel like a form of failure because we have been programmed to want what is best for us instead to want what is best for All. 

We are programmed through TV, commercials, movies and shows that tell us what will make us happy. Have you ever seen a show that tells us we will be happy when the whole world is happy? Have you ever seen a show that shows people caring about the whole world? Our shows we see are ones of competition, where we need to WIN. Meaning we need to Win over another. We have to fight the bad guys as we become the bad guys. We have to win a pageant, become a model, get over on others in survival shows (me against them), and be ruthless in business so others won’t make it. We have to win the perfect relationship, manipulate and out smart others for what we want. 

This is what we have been taught to be and this is what we have become – destroyers of others for our interests. So the journey to our Self- the One Self that we all are, will be met with much resistance as we give up the personal self because we fear losing. But if we don’t do this – we really lose – as we destroy each other all in the name of winning, meaning another has to lose and our personal self is satisfied… for a moment… as we destroy life. 

Life gives life- wining for personal gain destroys life. 

If we continue to ignore the things that do not serve humanity and life in the best possible way – that is what will continue – that is the dark side that we refuse to see – because we believe that we should have happiness at all costs, but it you look around you will see what is actually running the show as it is getting bigger and bigger. 

If you dare to care support an Equal Money System.

For personal support to transcend the programed emotional responses we have that keep us enslaved visit

Desntei I Processes and Desteni I Process Lite
Enhanced by Zemanta