Day 74 Observing Disappointment Backchat

Deutsch: Phrenologie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw the other day how I became disappointed that the dog next door is out – and now I cannot let Molly out because they fight.


I saw that my first reaction within my mind as backchat was – disappointment. Now things are not going well – oh boy something else to worry about. And within this I felt heavy as in wanting to give up on life as another burden to bare. What I saw within this is how:


I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to when I saw that the dog next door was outside and Molly got upset that I went into disappointment as suppressed anger that now I have to do something different as in not letting Molly out to run free, which I accepted and allowed within my mind to be a nuisances, instead to just see the situation for what it is and to stably make a change that would be best.


I have been seeing that All my breaths were one of disappointment - my whole life - I am now starting to be able to trace this personality that I developed within many of my actions and believes as they come up.


Note: this topic has opened a whole new can of worms or should I say snakes! I edited and posted the chat from today on LF and added some insights I had for myself. I have usually pushed through postponement as energy movement - which I am seeing lately is/was not really dealing with the problem.



My daily thing recently is postponement to work on my start up business. I have been having extreme resistance daily/hourly with this, to the point of panic and fear of failing and the fear that I am having this fear. 
What I saw within the topic of our chat “When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment” is that I am resisting because of past acceptance and allowance of disappointment with business ventures within my life, and also not being supported by my parents in these ventures. 
Mom would say “honey – why don’t you just get a job that pays good benefits.” In other words how I saw it was that she was “disappointed” that I wanted to start a business of my own, and thought it better I just work for someone. So as I get into starting a venture or project and soon afterwards I would start go into fear as disappointed from past experiences. 

Note: Since I have seen this point about living as disappointment- about 2 weeks now, like I have said, I  can see it in my backchat, to the point that now I have been able to direct better.  Just today a kitchen cabinet door broke off its hinges and before when I was not aware of the accumulating disappointment thoughts/backchat I would of went into a mind possession of "Oh No, now this! Gee, now I have to get it fix, there is something else I have to do, my trailer is falling apart, poor me...etc. But as I started to go there I could see - Ah Disappointment character. And I just stopped those thoughts. And I remember I no longer want to accept and allow myself to live life as disappointment. It was almost like - oh cool - this will be easy to fix. :-) LOL

Related articles

• Day 310: The Children of the Law of One (Part Three)
• When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment
• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment
• Day 316: Sensitive Souls - How to Face Success
• Day 92: Anger: What's the Solution?

Day65: Common Sense and Discouragement

Emotional Playground (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been listening to a friend about her problems and reading about other people problems and listening to my own problems, lol. I saw myself starting to get discouraged. So I will write about it, so I may see this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought of I am becoming discouraged when I see things on the news and TV shows, or hear of acquaintances and there issues that we think are real, but are only emotional programs that direct us and we live in misery most of the time of mental pain that we see as suffering. And I can see that this is all in our minds – that we hold onto blame and self pity because things are not going our way in self interest.
I forgive myself that I was almost going to accept myself to go into the emotional self pity-ment of discouragement to use as a reason to give up. My backchat thoughts were:
This is so extensive that I do not and can not even conceive that we as humans can get out of this. And thus I want to give up.
I forgive myself that I am entertaining the thoughts of I want to give up because I don’t see that the world can change.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear that there may be no way out of this mess that we are in and that we have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I am wanting to and thinking I should go into self pity because I see the world, friends and non friends suffering so much in the accepted and allowed self abuse that we have come to believe is normal and is life. And I believe if we stop worrying about ourself so much, and what others do or not do to us or for us and we started to look at what can we do for another that our world would change and our unhappiness would stop because our self interest would stop. And we could have a world with out abuse.
So what is myself interest in this? I want my suffering to stop because I see others suffer. I can not stop another’s suffering and the pain for me is I think that when another suffers it reminds me of my own suffering that I had accepted and allowed.

As I see this point and apply common sense – I can see that allowing myself to become discouraged does NO GOOD AT ALL. And that this is just another emotional program to keep us enslaved in a good and bad circle entrapment.
When and if I see myself becoming discouraged – I stop and realize that this is just another emotional program and does nothing to help anything and I stop following the thought and Breathe.

http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-addiction-to-suffering-and-pain-killed-me

Related articles

• Please fell Sorry for me - Day 220
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Stress and Anxiety - Self Creation or Elite's Mind Control?
• Depression - Self Interest or a Real Physical Condition? - Day 221
• The Poison within Irritation and Anger - Day 217

Day:58 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality Pt2

Self Corrective Statements and Self Forgiveness 
In Reference to Part 1

When and if I start to get frustrated and in fear that I am doing all this work and I am not getting the desired results. (Note: I saw that the fear part is because the work that I am doing is so I can have an income from an online businesses, and if it does not work out – I don’t know how or what I am going to do to then get an income so I can survive on this planet.) I stop, take a pause and realize that this fear and frustration is coming from the fear of not making money to survive and the fear of time – I won’t make money in time to pay bills to survive. So I stop these fear thoughts as I see and realize that they do not support me in that I then accepted and allow myself to become possessed by my thoughts and not take or continue physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into fear of not being able to make money when projects I am working on do not produce the desired results that I want and or expecting. And then within this I go into self pity and depression with the thoughts of “I want to quit.”

Then: I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to follow an energetic high feeling of ecstasy when things to work out to the point of becoming proud of myself and thinking I am wonderful, but within this, all I am doing is saying that it is good when things work out and bad when they don’t, thus I am then judging myself as a downer/depression when things don’t work out. I am judging myself as “bad” when thing don’t work – thus I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing the feeling of an energetic high with polarity thoughts of “you did good” “you are awesome” to define who I am as good verses who I am as bad when things don’t work out.

Thus I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of not making money when things don’t work out as an excuse to think/believe that I am bad and then thus go into self pity and depression instead of seeing and realizing that I am in a polarity swing of judging myself and what I am doing as good or bad instead to be present HERE without thinking and defining myself by the polarity thoughts.

When and if I see myself going into and energetic high or energetic low I stop and realize that these thoughts are not who I am and do not define who I am as good or bad. I breath and continue with my activities in and as the physical - because that is the only thing that is real.

Related articles

• Day:58 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality Pt2
• Day:47 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality
• Day 46 Judging Self
• Day 140: Inside Out
• Day 57: Anxiety and Breathing pt. 2

Day:47 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality

I am going to write about points when I get depressed as I see this is a big part of me. Now that I think about it, it runs in our family and I just took it for granted. If I think about it I was living as a mild to moderate bipolar personality. I would be happy and proud of myself for something, and then soon after I would be depressed about something. Interesting...

So I will start with this week:
Note: I highlighted text in Bold as I saw these as specific points to look at.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Lots going on this week: I am still having resistance to write for the blog. Thing is so many “ideas” and thoughts are going through my head on what to write, not only for personal blogs, but I have to write for college courses as well. And I sometimes just get tired of sitting at the computer all day doing my commitments which takes a computer to accomplish…I have written about this before – I just have to push myself.

What is going on this week: I burned my hand, and the day before that I spilled about a cup of bleach on the cushion where I sit. I have Molly whom I am taking care of for a few weeks, but she is pretty good! It is just a bit cramped in my trailer, as she is a big dog, especially when it rains

Burned hand = feeling burned out – which I was – thus not being present in the moment – but feeling frustrated and sorry for myself that I am having problems with my website – the fulfillment factor is not there within the project.

The day before I spilled the bleach – I was feeling burned out that day too – Bleach was to me the worst thing I could spill in my small trailer, because it would ruin my rugs and cushion. --- Ah! The worst thing I could of spilled = the worst thing that can happen to me right now is for all my work towards an online business not to work…

Also this week - This is what is going on!! Again
Today I am depressed I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to do my Website – So I am depressed because I want it to make money and it won’t unless I work on it, but thus far, as refereed to writings below this, all the work I have done so far is not creating any results via paid advertising .

I forgive myself that I am depressed… I forgive myself that I forget that I get depressed when I do a lot of work on a project and then things don’t turn out how I had wanted them to and then I get lethargic – it is like I have to recover, I really don’t know how not to do this except write it all out so I think I will do a “mind construct" on this point.

I feel trapped about having to make money – I want something Independent like an income producing online website – thus I depressed because I want it to make money and it wont unless I work on it. I mean here that I have been working on it a lot – I just have to keep going every day with it. I just sometimes get discouraged.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated when things seem not to be working out with my website business. And within that I forgive myself l have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not want to move and I want to quit. I know by now though that these thoughts of discouragement and wanting to quit are temporary. My recovery time is way less than when I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in self pity. Where as now I write about it so I can see these thoughts and apply self forgiveness.

Related articles

• Day:47 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality
• Day:58 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality Pt2
• I'm a person with bipolar disorder.

Day 15: Depression as an Excuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind as the program of emotions and feeling to direct my life and actions within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find a solution through the mind as self interest reason to feel good, and not see that I am still in the mind.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind to direct me as life thinking/believing its excuses are valid

I forgive myself that I am still as of now wanting to find/figure out through the mind excuses as to why I am tired and just want to watch TV, instead to make a difference in this lifetime.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good, thinking this is the reason above all for life, thus and therefore believing and allowing the act and idea of depression to be valid reason not to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I do is a chore and thus I deserve to rest and get it done fast so I can rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I am a Leo and thus Leos, like the lion are in there glory when they are resting and lounging as the King

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow depression as an excuse not to do something and hide from life and not want to face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and follow the polarity of feeling good verses not feeling good as a way to judge what I am and what I do in and within life as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and live as manic in my life and decisions of what is right and wrong and as self pity self judgment of if I am not feeling good - as high - that something is wrong with me and I go into a low/depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to us energy and believe energy is the director of my life, thus therefore allowing myself to become and believe I am a victim to what I am feeling as energy/ feeling and emotions.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and believe that I am a victim to the polarity swings of energy.

I now dedicate my life to do what it takes to stop accepting and allowing myself to follow the energy swings of the mind as a way of life.

I now understand that the energy swings of feeling good and feeling bad are not who I am and are not and excuse, because I  was accepting and allowing myself to fear to stand up to it because I was accepting and allowing myself to follow the mind/ego reasoning as valid when in fact it is just a program designed to keep one entrapped in victimization

I now understand this will not go away on its own, as I was accepting and allowing myself to want it to be easy, I was accepting and allowing myself to falsely believe that if I just sit through it that one day it will just stop, instead to realize that I am the one who has to stop following the excuses of the mind.

I now dedicate myself as Life as what is Best for All to stop allowing this pattern of feel good feel bad to direct my life and what I do within life. As I see now that I am the only one who can stop this, and I see that this is not what is best for life as me or as another, meaning as I stand for life, I stand for life as All. Meaning life is just not about me - that I am part of all life - Life is Life.  SO BE IT.

When and if I see myself going into depression - I Stop! I change my mind - I stop following the thoughts and excuses, - I change my mind as to not accepting and allowing myself to follow these thoughts.  SO BE IT.

I now chose to be the DIRCTIOR of My life for what is Best for All.  SO BE IT.