Day 86 Debating in our Heads

Got It on My Mind (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Going over and over again in our head over old Hurts. 

This is what I found when I kept bringing up old hurts or wrongs:
What we tend to do in life is hold onto things where we have felt were done TO US.

Thus we keep recreating a situation over and over again in our mind of how someone did us wrong.
Even when it might have been 2 days ago a week ago and even years and years ago. We live this scene and over again in our mind wondering why someone would do that to us.
We have this day, this time, and all is well, nothing really going on – and we will go live those scenes again… Why?
It is like the imagination of it is stored as a picture or movie in our mind and we keep watching the same movie.
What is interesting is this drama or experience is over – done with – in this moment it is not even happening – why do we keep recreating it over and over again in our minds? What are we wanting from this? What purpose are we looking for? It feels like we are trying to prove something at times. What are we wanting to prove? And why do we want to prove it over and over again? It is quite interesting how we will say I am not into drama in my life – but one will keep recreating in their mind something that is done and over with – One must ask – then – who is creating this drama now?

For some reason in our minds we have to always be right (Here we live in and as the paranoia of being wrong) – so we will go over and over something in our head trying to prove to ourself we are right. Well – so what.. Where does that get us, to keep dwelling on these things? Tell the mind to shut up! Lol And move on – be present HERE,out of the mind dwelling, and live life in the physical.
If these things keep coming up, keep coming back- You then have to ask yourself – why is it so important to me to always be right – Find out what you fear about being wrong….what do you fear about losing if you are wrong…..

Write it all out – so you can see the fear that you are defending and understand this is ego, ego wants to always be right and will continually defend itself in the mind. Maybe it is the fear to be the/a victim? Ask your self what it is you are fearing. What if you didn’t fear being a victim? Would you then keep dwelling on it? What if you didn’t fear being wrong or want to be right. Would you care anymore about it?
It is also about the fear of others judging you – what if you didn’t care what others thought about you? Would you then be debating with them in your mind? Are you always judging others in your mind? It is because you fear or think they are judging you in theirs minds?

When it comes up again write SF on all your fears and then– Breathe – say this is ego/mind – and do not accepted and allowing yourself to engage with these repeating thoughts that do not serve you in anyway that is tangible to life.

Make a commitment to SELF –

When I saw and realized that I did not want to live this way anymore – where I am a victim of my own thinking – I made a commitment to myself to learn to see, understand and become the directive principle of my life.
I made a commitment to learn how to stop living as mind memories – Once you make this commitment you are now saying you are willing to change and willing to learn. It will take many times falling – and getting back up – but falling and getting back up at least is not failing.
 

Related articles

• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• The Lingering Effect of Trauma - Day 403

Day 78 Why am I frustrated today?

Give your brain a break !! ...item 4B.. "If" by Joni Mitchell ...item 5.. How Much Blaming Should We Do? -- “A person sees all wounds except his own.” (Jul 11th, 2012) ... (Photo credit: marsmet543)

This is interesting – I woke up flustered – like the saying “you got out the wrong side of the bed this morning.” This feeling seems to come up out of no where. I was becoming agitated while doing my morning things. I was thinking what is wrong? I caught myself trying to figure it out, but what I was really doing was accepting and allowing it. Then I remembered “YOU DECIDE” And I just stopped the feelings as words spoken in my mind– And I wrote a sign that says I DECIDE, and put it on the wall so I can see it to remind myself that I do not have to accepted and allow myself to be frustrated. This day is no different than the last couple of days, in fact some really cool things have been happening, so I am not sure where the frustration is coming from – but if I stop reacting to it – I can become stable here and take a look.

Frustrated total internal refraction (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think it is because I have some added projects I am starting, thus I get the feeling of being overwhelmed and frustrated – I think that is it. I don’t know why I am frustrated though – ah it is the feeling have lots to do, so I get frustrated. Well this is a familiar feeling that I have been seeing within myself lately. I have done plenty of SF on this point and after I wrote about it today to expose the pattern I just stopped the backchat.
So I decided that I know where this backchat goes, which is nowhere just a spiral with no end lol, so I decided to stop and breathe, bring myself back to now as HERE and continue my day.

Related articles   

• Disappointment as Anger "I am doing it Wrong"

Day 74 Observing Disappointment Backchat

Deutsch: Phrenologie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw the other day how I became disappointed that the dog next door is out – and now I cannot let Molly out because they fight.


I saw that my first reaction within my mind as backchat was – disappointment. Now things are not going well – oh boy something else to worry about. And within this I felt heavy as in wanting to give up on life as another burden to bare. What I saw within this is how:


I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to when I saw that the dog next door was outside and Molly got upset that I went into disappointment as suppressed anger that now I have to do something different as in not letting Molly out to run free, which I accepted and allowed within my mind to be a nuisances, instead to just see the situation for what it is and to stably make a change that would be best.


I have been seeing that All my breaths were one of disappointment - my whole life - I am now starting to be able to trace this personality that I developed within many of my actions and believes as they come up.


Note: this topic has opened a whole new can of worms or should I say snakes! I edited and posted the chat from today on LF and added some insights I had for myself. I have usually pushed through postponement as energy movement - which I am seeing lately is/was not really dealing with the problem.



My daily thing recently is postponement to work on my start up business. I have been having extreme resistance daily/hourly with this, to the point of panic and fear of failing and the fear that I am having this fear. 
What I saw within the topic of our chat “When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment” is that I am resisting because of past acceptance and allowance of disappointment with business ventures within my life, and also not being supported by my parents in these ventures. 
Mom would say “honey – why don’t you just get a job that pays good benefits.” In other words how I saw it was that she was “disappointed” that I wanted to start a business of my own, and thought it better I just work for someone. So as I get into starting a venture or project and soon afterwards I would start go into fear as disappointed from past experiences. 

Note: Since I have seen this point about living as disappointment- about 2 weeks now, like I have said, I  can see it in my backchat, to the point that now I have been able to direct better.  Just today a kitchen cabinet door broke off its hinges and before when I was not aware of the accumulating disappointment thoughts/backchat I would of went into a mind possession of "Oh No, now this! Gee, now I have to get it fix, there is something else I have to do, my trailer is falling apart, poor me...etc. But as I started to go there I could see - Ah Disappointment character. And I just stopped those thoughts. And I remember I no longer want to accept and allow myself to live life as disappointment. It was almost like - oh cool - this will be easy to fix. :-) LOL

Related articles

• Day 310: The Children of the Law of One (Part Three)
• When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment
• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment
• Day 316: Sensitive Souls - How to Face Success
• Day 92: Anger: What's the Solution?

Day65: Common Sense and Discouragement

Emotional Playground (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been listening to a friend about her problems and reading about other people problems and listening to my own problems, lol. I saw myself starting to get discouraged. So I will write about it, so I may see this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought of I am becoming discouraged when I see things on the news and TV shows, or hear of acquaintances and there issues that we think are real, but are only emotional programs that direct us and we live in misery most of the time of mental pain that we see as suffering. And I can see that this is all in our minds – that we hold onto blame and self pity because things are not going our way in self interest.
I forgive myself that I was almost going to accept myself to go into the emotional self pity-ment of discouragement to use as a reason to give up. My backchat thoughts were:
This is so extensive that I do not and can not even conceive that we as humans can get out of this. And thus I want to give up.
I forgive myself that I am entertaining the thoughts of I want to give up because I don’t see that the world can change.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear that there may be no way out of this mess that we are in and that we have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I am wanting to and thinking I should go into self pity because I see the world, friends and non friends suffering so much in the accepted and allowed self abuse that we have come to believe is normal and is life. And I believe if we stop worrying about ourself so much, and what others do or not do to us or for us and we started to look at what can we do for another that our world would change and our unhappiness would stop because our self interest would stop. And we could have a world with out abuse.
So what is myself interest in this? I want my suffering to stop because I see others suffer. I can not stop another’s suffering and the pain for me is I think that when another suffers it reminds me of my own suffering that I had accepted and allowed.

As I see this point and apply common sense – I can see that allowing myself to become discouraged does NO GOOD AT ALL. And that this is just another emotional program to keep us enslaved in a good and bad circle entrapment.
When and if I see myself becoming discouraged – I stop and realize that this is just another emotional program and does nothing to help anything and I stop following the thought and Breathe.

http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-how-addiction-to-suffering-and-pain-killed-me

Related articles

• Please fell Sorry for me - Day 220
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Stress and Anxiety - Self Creation or Elite's Mind Control?
• Depression - Self Interest or a Real Physical Condition? - Day 221
• The Poison within Irritation and Anger - Day 217

Day:63 The Love That Got Away

How I allowed myself to be programmed to believe that the one that got away would ruin my life of ever experiencing a loving relationship, and my idea of the perfect relationship. 

(This is a continuation from previous blog - day 62)

As I investigate this long time ago relationship I see that I have labeled it “The One that got Away.” What I mean by this is that I had convinced myself that this relationship if I would not of fucked it up would be the ONE. The one person that I was suppose to be with for along time. I thought this because of our mutual connection that we had with each other. We were both attracted to each other with the same intensity. It was like a dream come true, a dream that I got from the “Movies.” I had not experience this before, it was either I was longing for someone and them not me – or the other way around. I had made romance movies my perception of life and what a romance and partnership should be like. Lol. Well not really funny, not so much then when I was feeling all the pain, shame, regret and longing for the one I lost. See I thought this was the perfect relationship according to some movie I saw. Where two people are so attracted to each other they could hardly stand it. And this intensified as we did not come together for over a year after the first connection – so this build up of wanting to be together (for play lol) lasted for almost a year! 

Well back to last week when I watched Deep Space Nine and it trigger this same old familiar longing I had to want to get back with my ex of so long ago. And that I still have dreams of this, of wanting to connecting and feeling regret and self pity that I will most likely never have this again. And how I regret fucking it up. I ended up calling her! I was scared, thinking wtf am I doing??? But I knew I would always wonder – so I just pushed through the fear and called. She was not there - I left a message – then she called back and left a message, then I called again and she was there. I must say, I am so glad I called. I had some questions about why we broke up, we were really able to talk and she was very accommodating to talk about something that happened so long ago. I mean she has a whole new life now – a husband and a 14yr old daughter. I was grateful; because I saw some points I was not aware of back then. I will get into those later as it will be part of my idea and beliefs about relationships, and my fear to ever have another one – though I have – they could not live up that one. And the point of not wanting to get hurt again would make me not even see another person really. Though even back then with my ex – I did not see her. Only my fantasy of what I thought a relationship should be. 

To be continued…

What did I find out with the phone call?
What did I find out about the same old feeling I had after I dreamed of her again and talked to her again?
Who and what I was within my personal partner relationships

Related articles

• Day:62 I Am Too Spiritual to Face This

Day 31: Drudgery Practical Solution

Okay and other cool point came with why I was participating in the overwhelmed/drudgery character;

Since I changed my daily activities to more focused, meaning instead of doing many things a day bits at a time, instead to have one full day to be only one or two projects. 

What I found when I did the latter was I felt I was never finished, because I was saying okay you have an hour to do DIP or your blog and then you have to do that, then this, and that. WOW no wonder I was overwhelmed and living as/in anxiety.

 Like today was blogs and DIP – and that’s it along with daily rating, and 2 scheduled chats . I actually feel like I have accomplished something for the day, and my focus is not interrupted by looking at the time and worrying about the next project for the day. 

This is also actually giving me  the feeling of more flexibility, meaning I am getting these things done because I am not worried about time – and I actually have time to do other things on my list.

So for example: Today I wrote 2 blogs! I worked clean up in the yard, I did ratings, facebook, checked emails, I read Sunettes blog, made breakfast, worked on transferring files to my new computer and I still have 7 hours left to work on DIP assignment.  What happened was because my project for the day was blogs and Dip – I finished blogs without feeling I had to rush and it was fun, I allowed myself time to write without worry. 

Though I am seeing I still have resistance and want to distract myself at times – I can not use the “Not Enough Time” excuse. As that can be a valid excuse at times and my mind wanted to use that as a “ I am confused point”/ where do I start, etc. 

So I am using a calendar on my computer  ( free download) and plotting out my week activities. I check it many times a day to keep focused, and so far I can sometimes even get another scheduled days project started. I also give myself the permission to rearrange the calendar as I find what is most practical. 

It looks something like this: ( I am taking a 30 credit course this fall- and I have decided to start on it 2 months before the course starts, so it will lessen the hours per week I need to do.)

Daily Destonian support ratings, and chats are a given.

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
House and yard	Wok @ 5pm blogs 2 posts Dip	Wok @ 5pm blogs 2 posts Dip	7 hrs School	DIP Chat blogs 3 posts	7 hrs School	House and yard DIP

Next I will be writing the drudgery character with Self Forgiveness and Self corrective statements and working the 5 dimensions of this character.

Check out how we are Writing Ourselves to Freedom and Worldwide Solutions at

Desteni.org

EqualMoney.org