Day 84 My Experience with a few Destonians – A Breath of Fresh Air

Equal Money System

The other day I got to meet and spend the day with 2 Destonians that are in an agreement with each other. I 

must say it was an extraordinary day! It was a breath of fresh air so to speak. I got to see two young Destonians ages under 30yrs really making a difference. I got to listen to their stories and share mine of who we have been and where we were headed in life until we got involved with Desteni. I got to hear how they have worked on their self’s for these past 5 years with Self honesty and Self forgiveness to the point where they are learning how to become the self directed principle in their life and learning to understand the principle of living life as what is best for all.  Note – we are not there yet, but that is the goal we are all working towards, which take constant dedication to understand what it means to be self honest, what it means to see how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to live as emotional programs that have been set in place to manipulate and control us, to the point where we don’t question the state of our world that we all share, or that we look for solutions in dilutions of imaginary thinking.

The agreement was not the typical relationship that we have been programmed to follow. It was a couple who’s main reason to be together was to assist and support each other to support living a life that is best for all. Now let me ask you – have you ever gotten into a relationship where you thought – how can we work towards a better life for all of humanity? Most people get together for self interest only. How can that person make me feel good? What can that person give to me?  I want that person all to myself and I want them to make me happy.  Thus this is why I say it was a breath of fresh air. Not the stale air we has humanity has been accepting and allowing, where our only goal is to find someone to make us happy as we ignore all the suffering and abuse that is going on in the world. See this was the plan – to make us consumers of self only happiness so we would not want to change the world – because then we remain ignorant slaves to the emotional mind which is amazing easy to control.

We talked about our experiences with insights into ourselves, how we are working on and seeing points about emotional addictions. We talk about this amazing educational tool called TechnoTutor that will help children of any age to learn the importance of words and to where they can make a difference in their life and not just be a product of our emotional programming. We shared food and coffee together, we played with the dog.

What was really cool is I have known them via Desteni for 5 years, because Destonians share our progress with each other through blogs, group chats and forums, but I never met them in person. I felt so natural to be around them. It is amazing to be with people who are working on themselves in self honesty in a way that can make a difference for the world. Thanks for the visit!

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Day 74 Observing Disappointment Backchat

Deutsch: Phrenologie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw the other day how I became disappointed that the dog next door is out – and now I cannot let Molly out because they fight.


I saw that my first reaction within my mind as backchat was – disappointment. Now things are not going well – oh boy something else to worry about. And within this I felt heavy as in wanting to give up on life as another burden to bare. What I saw within this is how:


I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to when I saw that the dog next door was outside and Molly got upset that I went into disappointment as suppressed anger that now I have to do something different as in not letting Molly out to run free, which I accepted and allowed within my mind to be a nuisances, instead to just see the situation for what it is and to stably make a change that would be best.


I have been seeing that All my breaths were one of disappointment - my whole life - I am now starting to be able to trace this personality that I developed within many of my actions and believes as they come up.


Note: this topic has opened a whole new can of worms or should I say snakes! I edited and posted the chat from today on LF and added some insights I had for myself. I have usually pushed through postponement as energy movement - which I am seeing lately is/was not really dealing with the problem.



My daily thing recently is postponement to work on my start up business. I have been having extreme resistance daily/hourly with this, to the point of panic and fear of failing and the fear that I am having this fear. 
What I saw within the topic of our chat “When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment” is that I am resisting because of past acceptance and allowance of disappointment with business ventures within my life, and also not being supported by my parents in these ventures. 
Mom would say “honey – why don’t you just get a job that pays good benefits.” In other words how I saw it was that she was “disappointed” that I wanted to start a business of my own, and thought it better I just work for someone. So as I get into starting a venture or project and soon afterwards I would start go into fear as disappointed from past experiences. 

Note: Since I have seen this point about living as disappointment- about 2 weeks now, like I have said, I  can see it in my backchat, to the point that now I have been able to direct better.  Just today a kitchen cabinet door broke off its hinges and before when I was not aware of the accumulating disappointment thoughts/backchat I would of went into a mind possession of "Oh No, now this! Gee, now I have to get it fix, there is something else I have to do, my trailer is falling apart, poor me...etc. But as I started to go there I could see - Ah Disappointment character. And I just stopped those thoughts. And I remember I no longer want to accept and allow myself to live life as disappointment. It was almost like - oh cool - this will be easy to fix. :-) LOL

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Day 73 My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment

To recap:

Lost to Apathy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

>> If you're an Introvert, a Silent one, that do not REACT extensively - even in your Mind, but actually SUPPRESS the energies a lot faster, and so much so that there's not enough energy to accumulate into the MIND and or the personality systems - anger can become disappointment, it's more like an Inverted anger, the disappointment, Whereas with extroverts that really express reactions into the MIND and into the World - a lot more energy is Available in the Personality Systems, and so can accumulate reactions of anger into oneself and towards others a lot easier. <<


The point on this topic that really shook me up was this.



THE CONSEQUENCE of this is: That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.



As this is what has been exactly happening to me and I had no idea I was living my life as disappointment. And it has been building up to now at my age I am/(and correcting) living in apathy towards life and have been struggling with Depression. In fact it was becoming severe and I was concerned and worried about this as I did not understand it completely.


As I read the solution, this is an Excerpt -

walk regarding seeing where the apathy/heaviness/lack of motivation affected other areas of your life...


I started to see how I have been living almost every breath as disappointment!

This was huge for me to see this, I was in shock! It just opened up for me a whole new world! - By that I mean at my age, now I can see my life lived mostly as disappointment - that had turned into depression and that the only way I have been moving though it was with "energy " which gets "drained" Thus not seeing my apathy as suppression of continual disappointments though out my life. I was also continually judging myself as a procrastinator - thinking that was the problem and constantly using energy to push through which is exhausting.


RR – I was born disappointed – my first memory is around 3 yrs old when my mom told me to get out of the street and I did not want to – she said I might get hit by a car and I remember thinking – they wont hit me – they will see me and stop – So I became angry because I wanted to stay where I was, as I was exploring. I don’t think I acted in anger – but in my young mind at the time I remember being disappointed towards my mother, for being stupid in a way to make that comment, like why would she say that, doesn’t she know I will be okay? I know this might sounds silly to some, but I am exploring all areas that I can remember to understand why and what lead to my apathy with life. Suppressed emotions build up to mental and physicals problems.


I forgive myself that at age 3 that I had started to accept and allowing myself to live as disappointment towards my mother and adults in general. Any adult that told me what to do where in I did not think it was valid to living. I mean this can be seen as a spoiled brat – but interesting, at that age I was questioning life and what people believed about life and feeling things did not make sense.


>>What I am seeing is that I have been living my life as disappointment – instead of living as a solution…

I will continue with this, as I have been writing and seeing daily, areas in my life where I have accepted and allowed this point to directed me in my life that has caused the suppressed disappointment to build up and turned into depression.

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Day 71 The Cult of Self

outline (Photo credit: flyzipper)

What we have done wrong is to buy into, and accept and allow the Cult of Self- Within the cult of self – one is only concerned with their own welfare. What will make me happy – how can I get what I want - instead to live as a consciousness of what will make all happy. We have forgotten that we are all One – thus the emergence of corporate greed and atrocities that are now destroying our world. The emergence of TV entertainment and shows that focuses on personal individual desires and wants that keeps us divided into self gratification at all costs. And it is costing us our lives and planet that we live on. We have been taught personal survival – not wholeness survival. Where we believe we have to take from another to have what we want. Thus the manifestations of divided and conquer, greed and wars.

If you need proof of this watch this video "The Cult of Self - Chris Hedges "

 How do we stop this? First part is to see it - we have turned a blind eye for the pursuit of personal gratification and look at where we are now, as we as consumers are consuming the world till there is nothing left, without any regard to life.
I have joined with a group of people who want to learn how to stop being consumers of life and learn how to be part of life – life gives life – consuming only takes. Understand that Corporations that are exploiting life for self gain only are a manifestation of what we have become – they are here to show us to Wake Up – because we have created this. If we turn a blind eye to the atrocities and crimes against humanity as the manifestation of corporations, we are turning a blind eye to a life that will sustain and support us all. 

Within this group called Desteni – is the point to create a New Destiny. First is the wake up call to see what we have done as self interest beings, not caring for the common good of all, but only our own interests. Then to recreate ourselves through self forgiveness, because once you see the truth of what we have become, it will be mind blowing. Which is the point – as the mind has been programmed as self interest. After the wake up call comes changing self – which is a process, we have never done this, we have never stopped the self interest mind program, because we thought it is who we are, and we actually defend it because the ego is afraid to lose itself and become one with all of life- it fears annihilation, thinking that if we become all of life we wont be anything. Lol, Thus why it is important to start working with a group that supports the common interest of life for all things. How do we become One with and as Life – giving life, if we stay separated within our separated believes? 

It feels painful and fearful to give up your self interest desires for happiness, it will even feel like a form of failure because we have been programmed to want what is best for us instead to want what is best for All. 

We are programmed through TV, commercials, movies and shows that tell us what will make us happy. Have you ever seen a show that tells us we will be happy when the whole world is happy? Have you ever seen a show that shows people caring about the whole world? Our shows we see are ones of competition, where we need to WIN. Meaning we need to Win over another. We have to fight the bad guys as we become the bad guys. We have to win a pageant, become a model, get over on others in survival shows (me against them), and be ruthless in business so others won’t make it. We have to win the perfect relationship, manipulate and out smart others for what we want. 

This is what we have been taught to be and this is what we have become – destroyers of others for our interests. So the journey to our Self- the One Self that we all are, will be met with much resistance as we give up the personal self because we fear losing. But if we don’t do this – we really lose – as we destroy each other all in the name of winning, meaning another has to lose and our personal self is satisfied… for a moment… as we destroy life. 

Life gives life- wining for personal gain destroys life. 

If we continue to ignore the things that do not serve humanity and life in the best possible way – that is what will continue – that is the dark side that we refuse to see – because we believe that we should have happiness at all costs, but it you look around you will see what is actually running the show as it is getting bigger and bigger. 

If you dare to care support an Equal Money System.

For personal support to transcend the programed emotional responses we have that keep us enslaved visit

Desntei I Processes and Desteni I Process Lite

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Day:43 OMG What I am I going to DO With My Hair!

As I work with my Mother Mind Construct in my DIP course I can see many areas where I have defined who and what I think I am through and by my interactions with my mother.

For example: When she would be concerned about how I looked. I had coarse frizzy hair and it was very hard to manage. I use to iron it in high school so it would be straight. I had great concerns how my hair would look - I would hear in my mind my mother saying "Are you going to do something with your hair?."

How I heard it in my mind was one of... hmm...say urgency. It seem to me that it was urgent to her that I do something with my hair. lol - Like I hope you are not going to go out like that - what will people think of you if they see your hair that way.


Thus within this I became very self conscious about how my hair looked. As I think of it now - this was very stressful for young kid - You wake up in the morning and your first thought is -omg - my hair -I have to "fix' it!!! And I must say this was not an easy task- to get it to go right. I had to create an image in my mind of what "cute" will look like. I would imagine people that had cute hair and try to make it look like that. I suppose I got the idea of what cute was through Television and magazines. They would tell you what was in style - how to do it - so you would be considered, cool, cute.

So how did I start to define who I was within this?

I felt my hair was not good enough
I felt that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.
I was always self conscious about my hair - meaning sometimes I could get it right, but not for long as it would frizz up in damp weather.
I feared damp weather because it would mess up my hair - and all the work it took to fix it.
Most of all I felt that something was wrong with me.(This comes from other experiences as well)
I also believed my mother did not like me because the tone of her voice (Not understanding at that time - that she was also conditioned to think like that and as a result I took it as she did not like me because her tone of voice was not gentle, but it felt like she was accusing me of something)
Thus I may have even associated my name, Adele, to not being good enough. (...interesting we are working on Names and tonal pronunciations within them and how we have subconscious and unconsiousnes reactions when we hear our name say within specific tones.)

I mean I can not blame all these experiences because of my- it was TV and magazines that shaped how we thought about things. I came to understand later in my life that all this was commercialism- social mind manipulation to sell us things - keep us thinking we could be more and have more, thus essentially telling us we could be better if we dressed this way or bought these things.


To follow I will do Self Forgiveness on these thoughts

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Day 42 Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past

Since I have so many things going on in my mind that I “think” I can’t make a choice on what to submit for my blog – I am going to stick with one thing for now.

Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past 

>>>>>She did not see me
Also as I got older Mom always was worried about what I was wearing and how my hair looked. I would come into the kitchen and she would say is that what you are wearing, do something with your hair. I felt like a thing/ not a person that she needed to show off so she could feel good.
Because mom kept doing this to me (bugging me about how I looked or acted – instead to really talk to me, I never could really talk to her, because she did not see me - she just saw a “daughter” that she wanted to make in her image so she would get approval of her peers. It was like she didn’t even want to get to know me at all, she just wanted me to look good for others, so she would look good.

Never talk to her again
Time In Lexington

This made me an angry kid and this went on all the time. One time I remember (Time in Lexington) I wanted to talk to Mom about something important to me, as I started to talk, she said something like “honey are you going to do something with your hair” - she did not even hear me or want to hear me - This was about when I was a young teen around 12 or 13, I became so angry, it was like that time the scales where tipped - this happened so often, that day I vowed to never talk to her again - and I didn’t. What I mean by that is I never shared anything with her about me, she was just this person I had to live with, who I had to ask to do things. Like I want to go to my friend’s house, stuff like that. She never knew me.

[[[Note – Later on in my life during that time in Lexington I did not realize what was happing to her. She was pregnant and my father was cheating on her – he had a girlfriend and I took her anger as being with me, something I must have done…. Sad I did not know this and carried the anger at her for all those years.]]]

We mostly argued - a lot. Every time I asked her “why”, like why cant I do that, she would just say, because I said so. I wanted explanations, so I could learn and understand.
I felt she did not see me as anything that deserved and explanation, and in my mind she was the enemy now, just something I had to endure until I got older and could move out of the house.

Disclaimer:
Please understand that these writings are not about "complaining about my childhood." Or about blaming what I perceived as others doing something to me. I am writing my experiences that we unconsciously carry with us into our lives so we may see where we hold blame, judgment, self insecurity and anger and to come to an understanding that this is not who we are - but who we have believed we are. Within this with self forgiveness and corrective application we can change the very nature of ourselves to one of a dignified Life and not be directed emotionally.

To be continued...

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Day 30: Continuing with Drudgery Backchat

Another point I am seeing is that I want to do TONS of things! And than what happens is I get overwhelmed in the idea of How can I do ALL of this _ I want to do it ALL NOW! And then the reality comes – that I CAN NOT DO IT ALL RIGHT AWAY, and I get depressed and just STOP – Thus this is what Bernard has meant and has been saying all along – You can only do ONE BREATH AT A TIME !

I was talking to my brother about this – the idea of a “kink” in the flow of doing something and then wanting to stop – that it was like an interruption of the “mind” energy flow. He mentioned something like this >

Inspiration is a believe of a better future – physiological time is the problem

As long as you don’t have future you don’t have a problem.

I said “We are the walking dead because we want to secure a future.” In other words we are always in our Mind in an illusionay future that has really been programmed for us. For example; if you do this you will get that. Like if you buy this makeup or wear these clothes or perfume you will get your mate and be successful.

We are never HERE with the physical.

 I like this statement from Sunette blog:

“If we’d spend as much time in reality, as we do in our Minds and really working together with ACTUAL PEOPLE in conversations/communications, rather than the extent to which we talk to ourselves in our thoughts/backchat, spending as much time giving attention to solutions in this PHYSICAL WORLD that consider/regard all equally as one, rather than spending the time on giving attention to our own interests of wants, needs and desires: This world could have been an entirely different scenario than what we’re facing now.”  

I am in the future/mind if I am not HERE

What my anxiety was about within the drudgery character was I was focused on a “future” – I was envisioning my future with wanting to get all of these things done – worried about myself in THE FUTURE – THUS WANTING TO PROTECT MY FUTURE WHICH CAN ONLY BE AN ILLUSION IN PHYSIOLOGICAL TIME.

So the “kink” would stop me because I was worrying about the future as mind/thoughts/projections.

Another point that came up this morning was that I have many different things to do and I wanted to do a bit of all of them in one day – but what was happening is I was worried about the time – like you can only spend so much time with this, then move onto that, then only so much time for that, then move onto the next. Well what that was doing was creating anxiety for the whole day, because I was thinking of ALL these different things I had to complete for the day.

I decided to change that set up. I will now devote one whole day to one or two projects instead of many projects for the day– then I will not worry about the time. An example: two full days for College work instead of 2-3 hrs each day, and two full days for Blogs and DIP   Within this will be daily rating support for fellow .Destonians The other days will be home/land maintenance, reading blogs, etc.  I will see how this works; so far already it feels good, meaning I do not have anxiety or overwhelmness because I have the most of the whole day to complete a project.   

This is seems like a way to trick the mind out of worry for now – just to break the cycle. We will see.