Day 107 Stuck In the Mind

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn (back soon, sorry for not commenting))

I am seeing that I am still really stuck in the mcs, some of the things I noticed is that
For example right now I want to feel guilty about that and then a feeling of inferior starts to load up- LOL – I see this now – and I am not accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior. So I want to redefine the word inferior.

I forgive my self that I have been accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior through and as guilt because I see and realize that I am “still” stuck in the merry go round of the mcs. And within this forgiveness of myself to myself I see that I no longer want this within my life as an excuse not to stand.
When and if I see that I am engaging in the feeling and emotional energy of inferior – I take a breath and stop following this feeling. I understand it is of the mcs enslavement program that stops one from standing up.

Another thing/point that came up – well many of them – but I will try to stay focuses – it this point right now where I am seeing all these points very fast, like flashing within my consciousness and then I say to myself as backchat – what to write about? I have soooo many points – and then, I as backchat say I can not decide what to write – so I wont write anything. It sucks! That I have been accepting and allowing myself to let these backchats define and run my life.

Another thing I would like to expose within myself comes from : I have been reading some past Desteni forum posts – one of them is this one: “Blog Writing - Refresher "Crash Course" - SELF vs EGO”
It says:
“SELF - there is only self - the "me" / "who I am" - which can be seen / investigated by having a look at / introspecting the content of the mind and always 'bringing the points back to self' - meaning, seeing 'Who am I' in relation to what is coming up in MY MIND

EGO - here is something that EGO does:

Let's say a person is writing within/as a starting of ego - what one will find here in such an individual's mind is a constant reference / thinking process that will unfold in the lines of "what will others say?" / "what would others like to HEAR?" / "what can I write that others will like / respond to?" / "what can I write that makes me feel good?" - here - the Ego writes for others, the Ego writes for emotional responses from others, the Ego writes to feel something / to GET SOMETHING from others/someone”

I see that every one of those statements is what has been going on as backchat when I think of writing. Even now I am starting to think those thoughts.

For example now I don’t know how I will post this, should I do the SF now and make this a continued post – backchat says do the whole thing today so you get it out – thus the wanting to feel good point comes up. And now I want to give up because so many thoughts are coming up about how “should” I do this.

I will now do SF on the second point which is the backchat “ I have so many points I do not know where to start, so I wont start.”

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to engage in the thoughts when I want to write of, “Oh I have so many points to talk about and so many things I want to say that I don’t know where to start and how can I every have the time to say it all, and so within this I don’t even want to start.”

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to engage in these thoughts where in I am allowing then to direct Me instead to stand and move through these mcs habits.
I forgive myself that right now I am thinking when will I have the time to write daily – I am thinking that how and should I make writing a priority in my life when I have so much to do already. Now I am thinking, people are not going to even understand what I am doing within this writing, so I don’t want to post it as a blog. I think – is this really helping others? Well here is how I will deal with this – I don’t know if it will help others but I will do it anyway – I will work on the idea, believe that I think I need it to make sense to others that are not in the Desteni process. See now this is another point, and again just now I think – gee there are sooooooo many points to write about – I now want to give up.

How can I within myself be okay to just write one point at a time? The fear is when I get a point it is NOW – and if I don’t write NOW- I fear it is gone – or that I then have to wait for it to come back – this again is the con-fusion point, where I accept and allow myself to believe the thoughts of how to, how can, will it work – tons of questions that stop me from just doing.
One thing that is really cool about seeing and especially writing this out right now, right before me, is that I have slowed down the mind back chat thoughts to the point of physical where they are as the written word. And with SF and SCA I can start to mange them – I can see these thoughts for what they are and decide who I want to be. And I decide to take notice of these thoughts and not accepted and allow them as excuses to direct my life. So be it.

I have been doing the Art of Self Investigation for 7 years now. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty.

There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery

 

Day 74 Observing Disappointment Backchat

Deutsch: Phrenologie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw the other day how I became disappointed that the dog next door is out – and now I cannot let Molly out because they fight.


I saw that my first reaction within my mind as backchat was – disappointment. Now things are not going well – oh boy something else to worry about. And within this I felt heavy as in wanting to give up on life as another burden to bare. What I saw within this is how:


I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to when I saw that the dog next door was outside and Molly got upset that I went into disappointment as suppressed anger that now I have to do something different as in not letting Molly out to run free, which I accepted and allowed within my mind to be a nuisances, instead to just see the situation for what it is and to stably make a change that would be best.


I have been seeing that All my breaths were one of disappointment - my whole life - I am now starting to be able to trace this personality that I developed within many of my actions and believes as they come up.


Note: this topic has opened a whole new can of worms or should I say snakes! I edited and posted the chat from today on LF and added some insights I had for myself. I have usually pushed through postponement as energy movement - which I am seeing lately is/was not really dealing with the problem.



My daily thing recently is postponement to work on my start up business. I have been having extreme resistance daily/hourly with this, to the point of panic and fear of failing and the fear that I am having this fear. 
What I saw within the topic of our chat “When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment” is that I am resisting because of past acceptance and allowance of disappointment with business ventures within my life, and also not being supported by my parents in these ventures. 
Mom would say “honey – why don’t you just get a job that pays good benefits.” In other words how I saw it was that she was “disappointed” that I wanted to start a business of my own, and thought it better I just work for someone. So as I get into starting a venture or project and soon afterwards I would start go into fear as disappointed from past experiences. 

Note: Since I have seen this point about living as disappointment- about 2 weeks now, like I have said, I  can see it in my backchat, to the point that now I have been able to direct better.  Just today a kitchen cabinet door broke off its hinges and before when I was not aware of the accumulating disappointment thoughts/backchat I would of went into a mind possession of "Oh No, now this! Gee, now I have to get it fix, there is something else I have to do, my trailer is falling apart, poor me...etc. But as I started to go there I could see - Ah Disappointment character. And I just stopped those thoughts. And I remember I no longer want to accept and allow myself to live life as disappointment. It was almost like - oh cool - this will be easy to fix. :-) LOL

Related articles

• Day 310: The Children of the Law of One (Part Three)
• When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment
• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment
• Day 316: Sensitive Souls - How to Face Success
• Day 92: Anger: What's the Solution?

Day 46 Judging Self

Friday, October 12, 2012

I forgive myself that I have stressed out myself so much that I fear I am getting weak in the lungs and heart
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into fear about the things I have to do
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people think about me when I am doing something I don’t think they will approve off.

Saturday, October 13, 2012 

Not knowing what to write about.

I just realized that about writing a blog I was using the excuse that I don’t know what I should write about – I mean I have lots to write about – and that is what was confusing me to the point where I just did not want to figure it out, what one to write about that I said to myself I will do it later – and then the days went by with me writing nothing.

What I saw this morning is it is not important what to write, see I thought it should be coherent, following an order of some sort. What I was thinking about is what others would think if they read it. Like gee, she is all over the place. And just as I am writing this I felt a reaction within me. Wow – cool to finally acknowledge it. The reaction was physical tightening of the body, my face crunched as in a fear that others will judge what I write. This is the point I have to break through as Sunette is walking in her blogs. It is “The RESISTANCE Point.”

So to re-cap for me –The resistance point is fear of what others will think – meaning I fear they will think my blog is not good enough, or what I wrote about is not good enough. The funny thing is people probably don’t even read it – But still I am putting myself out there on the internet.
With this said – I am going to stop with this writing as I want to finish up with my mother and hair posts.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse it is too confusing to know what to write about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse I don’t have time to write because I don’t know what to write about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as to what I write

When and if I see myself procrastinating about writing and I am using the excuse I am afraid of what to post because I will be judged for being all over the place, I stop and breath in the moment and just write and post, and I stop accepting and allowing myself to believe that excuse.

Related articles

• Day 33: Resistance - I DECIDE
• Day 67: Laziness and Procrastination
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Day:44 OMG My Hair SF Points

Continuation from previous post. OMG What am I going to do with my hair
Self Forgiveness on these points :

• I felt my hair was not good enough
• I felt that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.
• I was always self conscious about my hair - meaning sometimes I could get it right, but not for long as it would frizz up in damp weather.
• I feared damp weather because it would mess up my hair - and all the work it took to fix it.
• Most of all I felt that something was wrong with me.(This comes from other experiences as well)

I also believed my mother did not like me because the tone of her voice (Not understanding at that time - that she was also conditioned to think like that and as a result I took it as she did not like me because her tone of voice was not gentle, but it felt like she was accusing me of something)( I will take this point on later)


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my entire life feel that my hair was not good enough.

I forgive myself that I did not understand that we are born into a system where newborns take on the emotional energy of our parents and within this I have taken on the behaviors of my parents and theirs before them, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe because of the tonal voice spoken to me as a young child about my hair of one of irritation or urgency that I had developed a believe that I looked ugly if my hair was not done up/or I use the word “fixed” (Like my hair was broken) , because I would hear as I got older in early teens to fix my hair- something was wrong with it – so it had to be fixed and thus within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that when my hair needed to be fixed and within this believe I thought/accepted and allowed myself to believe that something was wrong with me/my hair. Thus I forgive myself that I associated myself my being with my hair – that if my hair was not good enough then I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough or that something was wrong with me because I accepted the tonality of my mothers voice when she spoke about my hair as irritation/urgency – thus I became irritated with urgency that something was wrong with my hair and that I had to fix it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and feel that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did not fix my hair in the right way that something was wrong with me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if something is wrong with me that I will not be accepted within this world and within this I created a fear of not being accepted into this world, like I had to struggle as a being to gain approval of others because I feared God would not like me if others did not.

Within this belief that if my hair was not fixed properly to my mother’s approval I was always self conscious about my hair especially when around others and the public, because even though I attempted to fix/style my hair in a manner that was acceptable to mom I always worried about it even after fixing it – because it would not stay for long the way I fixed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/believe the word fix as something wrong with me, and that I would become self conscious about it and that I assumed was a judgment of me/my being instead to see it as just a solution to something without taking it as a personal mark against who I am and thus feeling inferior/less than within my being.

I forgive myself that because I was afraid of my hair going frizzy after I had spent the time to “fix” it that I fear damp rainy weather because it would cause my hair to frizz after I had “tamed” it.

Related articles

• Day:43 OMG What I am I going to DO With My Hair!
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Day 42 Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past

Since I have so many things going on in my mind that I “think” I can’t make a choice on what to submit for my blog – I am going to stick with one thing for now.

Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past 

>>>>>She did not see me
Also as I got older Mom always was worried about what I was wearing and how my hair looked. I would come into the kitchen and she would say is that what you are wearing, do something with your hair. I felt like a thing/ not a person that she needed to show off so she could feel good.
Because mom kept doing this to me (bugging me about how I looked or acted – instead to really talk to me, I never could really talk to her, because she did not see me - she just saw a “daughter” that she wanted to make in her image so she would get approval of her peers. It was like she didn’t even want to get to know me at all, she just wanted me to look good for others, so she would look good.

Never talk to her again
Time In Lexington

This made me an angry kid and this went on all the time. One time I remember (Time in Lexington) I wanted to talk to Mom about something important to me, as I started to talk, she said something like “honey are you going to do something with your hair” - she did not even hear me or want to hear me - This was about when I was a young teen around 12 or 13, I became so angry, it was like that time the scales where tipped - this happened so often, that day I vowed to never talk to her again - and I didn’t. What I mean by that is I never shared anything with her about me, she was just this person I had to live with, who I had to ask to do things. Like I want to go to my friend’s house, stuff like that. She never knew me.

[[[Note – Later on in my life during that time in Lexington I did not realize what was happing to her. She was pregnant and my father was cheating on her – he had a girlfriend and I took her anger as being with me, something I must have done…. Sad I did not know this and carried the anger at her for all those years.]]]

We mostly argued - a lot. Every time I asked her “why”, like why cant I do that, she would just say, because I said so. I wanted explanations, so I could learn and understand.
I felt she did not see me as anything that deserved and explanation, and in my mind she was the enemy now, just something I had to endure until I got older and could move out of the house.

Disclaimer:
Please understand that these writings are not about "complaining about my childhood." Or about blaming what I perceived as others doing something to me. I am writing my experiences that we unconsciously carry with us into our lives so we may see where we hold blame, judgment, self insecurity and anger and to come to an understanding that this is not who we are - but who we have believed we are. Within this with self forgiveness and corrective application we can change the very nature of ourselves to one of a dignified Life and not be directed emotionally.

To be continued...

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