Day 107 Stuck In the Mind

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn (back soon, sorry for not commenting))

I am seeing that I am still really stuck in the mcs, some of the things I noticed is that
For example right now I want to feel guilty about that and then a feeling of inferior starts to load up- LOL – I see this now – and I am not accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior. So I want to redefine the word inferior.

I forgive my self that I have been accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior through and as guilt because I see and realize that I am “still” stuck in the merry go round of the mcs. And within this forgiveness of myself to myself I see that I no longer want this within my life as an excuse not to stand.
When and if I see that I am engaging in the feeling and emotional energy of inferior – I take a breath and stop following this feeling. I understand it is of the mcs enslavement program that stops one from standing up.

Another thing/point that came up – well many of them – but I will try to stay focuses – it this point right now where I am seeing all these points very fast, like flashing within my consciousness and then I say to myself as backchat – what to write about? I have soooo many points – and then, I as backchat say I can not decide what to write – so I wont write anything. It sucks! That I have been accepting and allowing myself to let these backchats define and run my life.

Another thing I would like to expose within myself comes from : I have been reading some past Desteni forum posts – one of them is this one: “Blog Writing - Refresher "Crash Course" - SELF vs EGO”
It says:
“SELF - there is only self - the "me" / "who I am" - which can be seen / investigated by having a look at / introspecting the content of the mind and always 'bringing the points back to self' - meaning, seeing 'Who am I' in relation to what is coming up in MY MIND

EGO - here is something that EGO does:

Let's say a person is writing within/as a starting of ego - what one will find here in such an individual's mind is a constant reference / thinking process that will unfold in the lines of "what will others say?" / "what would others like to HEAR?" / "what can I write that others will like / respond to?" / "what can I write that makes me feel good?" - here - the Ego writes for others, the Ego writes for emotional responses from others, the Ego writes to feel something / to GET SOMETHING from others/someone”

I see that every one of those statements is what has been going on as backchat when I think of writing. Even now I am starting to think those thoughts.

For example now I don’t know how I will post this, should I do the SF now and make this a continued post – backchat says do the whole thing today so you get it out – thus the wanting to feel good point comes up. And now I want to give up because so many thoughts are coming up about how “should” I do this.

I will now do SF on the second point which is the backchat “ I have so many points I do not know where to start, so I wont start.”

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to engage in the thoughts when I want to write of, “Oh I have so many points to talk about and so many things I want to say that I don’t know where to start and how can I every have the time to say it all, and so within this I don’t even want to start.”

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to engage in these thoughts where in I am allowing then to direct Me instead to stand and move through these mcs habits.
I forgive myself that right now I am thinking when will I have the time to write daily – I am thinking that how and should I make writing a priority in my life when I have so much to do already. Now I am thinking, people are not going to even understand what I am doing within this writing, so I don’t want to post it as a blog. I think – is this really helping others? Well here is how I will deal with this – I don’t know if it will help others but I will do it anyway – I will work on the idea, believe that I think I need it to make sense to others that are not in the Desteni process. See now this is another point, and again just now I think – gee there are sooooooo many points to write about – I now want to give up.

How can I within myself be okay to just write one point at a time? The fear is when I get a point it is NOW – and if I don’t write NOW- I fear it is gone – or that I then have to wait for it to come back – this again is the con-fusion point, where I accept and allow myself to believe the thoughts of how to, how can, will it work – tons of questions that stop me from just doing.
One thing that is really cool about seeing and especially writing this out right now, right before me, is that I have slowed down the mind back chat thoughts to the point of physical where they are as the written word. And with SF and SCA I can start to mange them – I can see these thoughts for what they are and decide who I want to be. And I decide to take notice of these thoughts and not accepted and allow them as excuses to direct my life. So be it.

I have been doing the Art of Self Investigation for 7 years now. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty.

There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery