Sunday, August 26, 2012

Day 37: Mother Stuff - Wanting Me to look Cute Pt 1

English: Screenshot of Grace Kelly and Cary Gr...
English: Screenshot of Grace Kelly and Cary Grant from the trailer of the film en:To Catch a Thief (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Mother Stuff Wanting Me to look Cute PT 1

I am now doing a Mind Construct on Mother Influence programming.

Within this realize that I am not blaming my mother per say or other Mothers – but to see how we carry the “Sins of our Fathers/Mothers” so we can break the chains of our conditionings/believes that we have accepted and allowed within us that rule our life as attachments to emotional believes.

My Mom wanted to be an actress. When she was in her early 20’s she went to NYC to become an actress. She was disillusioned by the “couch” interviews meaning that these acting scouts were wanting sex in exchange in considering you for a part. Anyway she then wanted to get into modeling. I don’t know much of the story just bits and pieces I would hear from my mother.

What I remember of my experience with my mom was how see watched TV movies or shows. I could see this longing in her eyes as she watched the Movies they showed on TV back then, like Cary Grant, Marlon Brando, Clark Gable and Grace Kelly. She wanted to be the actress. She was actually in plays in our home town. I did not know much about this, meaning I don’t remember going to see a play, but I now see how she would want to influence my life by what she believed.

The most frustrating thing and hurtful thing I remember as I was growing up was my mother always wanted me to look different. Meaning she was always on me about how my hair looked and the cloths I wore. I realized she wanted me to “look good”, so she would “look good” as a mother. Now I am not saying it is a bad thing to dress nicely and such, but what I would perceive as a kid is that my mother did not approve of me. The way she expressed it was like a frustration – that I was not looking right, how she thought I should. I remember her saying when you were born I was praying you had long eyelashes. And when she would complement me it would be that I had nice legs…

She never complemented me on myself – as a person – it was about how I looked physically.

I became very rebellious because of this. I would want to talk to her about things I was feeling or going through and she would dismiss it and say something like – are you going to do something with your hair? I never was able to talk to her, she never got to know ME – she just wanted a picture presentation of how she wanted her kid to look.

As I write this, the old feelings of sadness come up. Sadness that was all my mother could see, sadness that we could not talk as persons about what we were experiencing for real. I know that is what she was taught. Not to show emotions or question them. If you look good that should be enough.

How this affected me is up until recently when I looked in the mirror I could hear my mothers voice saying “Is that how you are doing your hair? Is that what you are going to wear?” And I would worry, will mom approve of these cloth, or my hair?

There were other aspects of this as well. Mom wanted to look good in the eyes of others as being a good Mother. She wanted her brother’s approval. He was like the Man/authority figure in her family, more so than even her husband/my father. I will go more into this later as to how this affected me.
For now I can say that this behavior of wanting me to look good – like a model – wearing the right cloths of her idea of fashion and hair make be very self conscious, with drawn around new people as I felt they were judging me like my mother, I always felt not pretty enough. Even though I did not like what she was doing and knew she was doing it so she could look good – I still was influenced by this.


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Day 36:Addiction to the Mind

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions
English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself that I did not understand that the mind is a program that produces thoughts of polarity – of feeling good and feeling bad and within this I have become addicted to the thoughts in my mind of believing in knowledge as the high – as that I am doing something just by having the knowledge/a thought and thus not actually changing myself in/as the physical expression of LIFE, but living in my mind as life.

Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe and be addicted to the mind/thoughts as what is real.

Within this I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to look for the mind as comfort searching for thoughts that make me “feel good” instead to stand here in and as the physical. And thus within this I am also accepted and allowing myself to be addicted to thoughts of feeling good that also cause thoughts of self pity and self judgment thus I am living within my mind a constant battle.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in “The Know” there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination – where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

I forgive myself that I have become addicted to the mind as through thinking so much that I fear I cannot be known unless I think.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the worrier and within this I forgive myself that I did not see or understand that the worrier is an addiction to thinking, as I use the polarity of thinking of the bad so I can create something good and fear that if I do not worry and think it out that I am not in control.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in The Know there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical.

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

Fears: I forgive myself that I have not realized that i have had fear to stop the mind as knowledge, thinking/believing that I could not exist because I would not be recognized if I did not have knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have feared not being recognized unless I have knowledge and information - thus living my goal to become "wise" so I could feel that I am alive - thus this become an addiction

When and If I see myself wanting to "think" as justification of my existence and thus use it as a reason not to doing something HERE as the physical I stop these thoughts and move as action with and as the physical and realize I do not need knowledge as thoughts to exist and validate myself.

When as as I see myself wanting to think as Existential crisis - wanting to find a reason why I exist - why I should be here and act/move I stop and realize these are programmed thoughts of "Resistance to Life" and I realize these thoughts are not mine and that trying to figure out who I am and what I am suppose to do is a distraction from/of Life

Further - I realize these thoughts are programmed anyway - I am programmed to be CON- FUSED about life - thus it will be so - unless I stop this con within myself as I will program myself to like who I am as LIFE as I like and enjoy learning how to live Life as what is best for ALL-Thus with this I con the con- to my advantage.

When and if I go into backchat about who I am and what I am doing here that causes con-fusion I remember and live the quote by Bernard: What do you know, you know you can trust. Because right now, you are trusting the world, you are trusting the system. So what do you do? You take that trust and place it as trust in a New World. Where you now trust separation you move your trust to a World of Equality that’s Best for All.


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Friday, August 17, 2012

Day 35: Being Cheap


We have created a world where we do not value all of Life, nature and others as ourselves.
Thus within this creation emerged the manifestation of the MONEY SYSTEM where we values money instead of LIFE.

Money Consumes Us – We are losing our LIFE to MONEY – WE THINK MONEY GIVES US LIFE AND THUS HAVE MADE MONEY EQUAL TO = LIVING

I saw some backchat within myself when I did not want to pay for postage on a package because it was going to be heavy – thus costing me more money.
Then I though – ghee you are being cheap. I see how we always have to consider money within most anything we do! To send my brother a package – I have to consider money
It is not the idea that I am being cheap – or thinking cheap thoughts – But that I see that I value the paper- the money more than sending the package.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be born onto a planet where we value Money more than LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to send someone something because it cost money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear to spend money on certain things because I only have so much at a time – and that I therefore become cheap on stupid things at times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned by money

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea that one has to be cheap because of our idea of money as the reason of whether or not we should give someone something as we value and fear lack of money for survival. 

Desteni Links

Desteni IProcess Life Skills & Self-Mastery Online Courses

http://eqafe.com/ Self Perfection Books Audios and Music

Day 34: Fear I cannot let go of my personality


 Fear I cannot let go of my personality.

 So what is my personality? Well this one I am feeling would be called fear I can not change – Or fear of change?

 I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can not change

 I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to follow the mind thoughts of how can I change who I have always been? I don’t even know how to be anything different.

 I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don’t know how to be anything different than who I have always been.

 I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to follow the thoughts of it is too hard to change who I have always been

 When and if I go into the thoughts of it is too hard for me to change which then causes a fear that I will die again as the same person who is stuck in a time loop of personalities created by the mind to protect its illusion – I stop and realized the mind is wanting to protect itself though using fear as a way to immobilize me/people to not change. Thus if I am in fear that I cannot change – I am stuck in that fear and can only see that and thus do not change.
 Thus when and if I see myself going into to FEAR – I see it is a (f)alse “EAR – meaning I stop listening to the falseness of this mind created illusion of fear. I stop listening as I h(ear) the (F)eedingEAR.


 I am also seeing that there is a personality that does not want to change – That says it is too hard- why bother, it is not fun, you could be doing something else.. blah, blah.

 I also see that I have said I want to change, I want to stand for Life – That meaning to me is to stop living as a mind program, but I judge or have reservations of what that really is, or more – it is me accepting and allowing the mind to make it a confusion and thus within confusion I do not act as I am spending time arguing within myself as what it is. Lol

 Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to listen to the mind stories of polarity, good, bad, right wrong, and believing that I have to identify it all to make a decision of if I should stand. Thus again the mind creating con-fusion. Using con artists way of bullshit fuzzy logic to keep us fused to the Mind.

 When and if I see myself going into debate within myself as a form of confusion over what it means to stand – I stop – I stand. I do not accept and allow the con.

 Desteni Links
Desteni I Process Life Skills & Self-Mastery Online Courses
 http://desteniiprocess.com/
 http://destonians.com/
 http://desteni.org
 http://equalmoney.org
 http://eqafe.com/ Self Perfection Books Audios and Music

 Great blogs to assist with this >> "Looking for More of Myself " from Heaven´s Journey to Life and "Stepping out of Character" from the Creations Heaven Journey. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Day 33: Resistance – I DECIDE


What I saw this morning as backchat as resistance to start the day.
It is because I am thinking as all these things as a “Have to do” thus drudgery. It is like chores that you mother might have for you that need to be finished before you can go out and play! Lol that’s how it feels. So what I am doing instead to enjoy it, is a feeling to hurry and get things done so I can play – thus the feeling and fear/anxiety if I have to many things to do I will miss the day, meaning I can not play for that day

So my Resistance IS – How am I going to get time to play with all of these Chores? Instead to see it as MY DAY AND WHAT I DO. In other words I have to define the word play and work as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not seen or understood that I have been accepting and allowing myself to start each day of my life with and Idea of play/fun and work/hard and I have separated the two as work being bad/hard something to be done with as soon as possible so I can do the opposite which is play/good/fun.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself as of yet to see/understand and change this belief behavior of fun/good/play and work/hard/bad/ get it over with. And thus within this I have been waking up in the morning with anxiety, resistance and the feeling of drudgery to start my day.

I see so clearly now how I have run my whole life like this, from a little child. The want/desire to play and thus work became hard because I made it a stress to hurry and get through as I saw it as taking something away from me – I saw it as taking fun away from me. Wow…This I see, realize and understand what Bernard said about why the world will not change, because it is so hard to give up self interest and work.   


August 7, 2012


Resistance – I DECIDE 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up today feeling groggy today as I forgot and slipped into the mcs of/for feeling foggy/groggy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I DECIDE, and thus I was decided to feel groggy this morning.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to BE/LIE –VE  that I do not want to do my writing and school work and all the stupid excuses that the mind is feeding me to not do it. Thus I forgive myself that I forgot that I DECIDE and was living in/as the be/lie of the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that another excuse is that there is so much to do, and if I don’t do it all I will miss something, thus I have been accepting and allowing myself to use that excuse as a reason to not do anything because the mind is telling me you will miss something, where should you start, if you start that you wont have time for this, blah, blah.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that I have some really cool ideas for SF that come out through the day, and then when it comes time to write I have forgotten it or to lazy to write that out, by the time I go to write. And then I go into frustration and resistance about what to write.

I forgive myself that I am using the excuse that I “wish” I did not have school so I can spend lots of time writing with Desteni and thus using that excuse as frustration and resistance to write SF and School work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I have done enough for the day and thus spend  the rest of the evening watching TV – when I can use that time to what I agreed with myself that I would do….

Thus I really want to push through this because >> I DECIDE << I want to stop listening and believing in the mind which says I cant or don’t want to for no good reason at all except that’s what it has always done- THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED IT TO BE THE DIRECTOR OF MYSELF, by allowing myself to BE/LIE being the beliefs that the mind was/is programmed to tell me, beliefs that are fuzzy logic designed for man not to get free and follow imaginary thoughts made up by the mind and not to see and live HERE in and as the physical.

SCS – Thus when I see these thoughts of resistance –I understand that this is NOT ME DIRECTING SELF - I stop – I then see/realize that I CAN DIRECT ME, I DECIDE.

When I feel/think or believe that I have done enough for the day and I have not done what I agreed with myself to do and use the excuse "time for TV" when in fact I want to get it done - I STOP and realize that I DECIDE. I stop accepting and allowing these stupid excuses as I see now it is a habit that I have not as yet stood up to. 

See
"Stepping out of Character" from the Creations Heaven Journey. http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/


An added note >>

SCS Resistance - from Reptilians part 20


Make sure when you face resistance that you solidify your decision of who you are within you and your living and your participation in this world and this reality. I mean you can’t get a more beautiful and assistance and support solidifying that decision of who you are within yourself and your Life experience. It cannot get simpler than that.
That is all you have to do. When resistance come, note: “ I do not accept and allow this resistance, I have made a decision who I am, what I am walking and doing in myself and my life. I am preparing to live as an example of equality and oneness. Not only for myself, but for all. And to do this I have to push through this resistance, so I push, I do what must be done, and I walk myself into preparing me for all as me.