Day 104 Practical Perception and Interfering – Inner Fear

English: Aristotle's idea of perception (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had another shock from my friend –whom is sorta living with me. I agreed to watch Molly (her dog) while she was gone for 3 weeks, just to note I did receive payment for this, and Molly is really sweet). I talked to her the other day and she said she was staying another month.

My reaction at first was anger. I had a flood of backchat come rushing in.
Like I don’t want to watch Molly for another month. I was looking forward to have a break. She should have told me that it was going to be for a whole month longer. Then I went into the idea believe that I feel like I am being used. Pride issue’s came up, or maybe better to say self interest issues came up. One being that I am not being respected for what I want. That I do not want to have a dog to worry after. I already did that with my cat and other animals for 18yrs. It was amazing really as this flood of idea’s about who I “wanted’ to be came up. In Desteni we call these our made up personalities. I got to see how ridged I was. Meaning I had idea’s about how I wanted to live my life. I had what you can say as conditions to how I should and wanted to live.

So I started to then investigate these ideas I had. For example:
I “should” not have to be having the responsibility for a pet. I already did this.
Then I looked at my life – like – I looked into the future from the now. What am I doing with my life anyway? I had decided that I have enough chores and commitments going on to where I became ridged in that belief. And thus became resentful at my friend for not seeing this. Lol – But how can she know if I am not honest and do not tell her?
I mean I could of said no - but I felt guilty to say that. So I investigated that.
Do I really want to say no? Yes and no! I did want to say no, because I felt that I was being intruded upon, as a principle of pride. When I dropped the pride principle, I asked myself again, do I want to watch Molly for another month. And what came up was yes – I want to support my friend to do what she needs to do. I would want that for myself. To have someone who can help if I was in her situation.

So why do I call this practical perception. Because I can only perceive the outside world from within myself- meaning my world is made up of my beliefs. Did I want to perceive from the separate I – ego which was involving the idea that I need pride and what ever that meant to me, or did I want to perceive from another point of view. I realized that watching Molly for longer and helping my friend would not hurt me and that really it was not taking anything away from me. Which I had a perception in my mind of made up ideas/beliefs that this is interfering with my life!
Really how can anything interfere with life? Life is Life – it is only our ideas about it that would cause something we would call interfering - Inner –fear.
So I have made up these inner fears as believe and ideas of how and who I thought I wanted to be.
What a cool realization – real I seeing - for me - As it set me free from my limited perceptions.

Related articles

• Self-Deception/Illusions
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Day 100 Distractions, Real or Imaginary

All in the Mind (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

False Mind Distractions

Okay I thought I was distracted before – now I have given myself even more opportunities for distraction by having a roommate/friend move in– but what is revealing about this is – that the distraction I had before were all in the mind – thus not real – and now I have some real distractions – So what this has showed me is that – I have made up the distractions before – and now I have real ones – so it is like I manifested it into the physical!! Geee. But also interesting enough – is that I can now see physical distractions that I know I need to work around and stay focused. Thus showing me my other mind distraction were really excuses and how silly it was to engage in them. Seems I am more determined or it seems more valid to push through the real physical distractions than the imaginary ones…

Physical Distractions

 Interesting... I wonder why that is so? Why am I thinking it is more important to push through the physical distractions than the mind ones? And I seem more motivated…Well it is not like I did not want to push through the mind distractions it is that it just seemed harder – like relentless backchat chatter all the time. And now I have something tangible to deal with as in Real physical distractions.
What I am seeing is that life is showing me through reality that I can do it? Am I saying the I see the imaginary ones of mind backchat and chatter as more difficult? – Yes I am saying that… But it does not make sense that it should be so. Thus another reveling aspect of the MCS that I have been accepting and allowing. I think the mind backchat is greater than me. But I can see that this is something I learned and perfected – to believe the mind is superior to life – to what is here and Real.


I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe the mind backchat and chatter are more real than what is really here.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe that distraction in the mind as imaginations are real than what is actually true.

The bottom line is that I don’t want to do some things – and then that is when I accept and allow mind distractions – trying to valid to myself why I don’t want to do something.

Related articles

• The Inner Tug of War of Positive and Negative Experiences: DAY 250
• A Ferriswheel of Positive and Negative Reactions towards Discipline and Authority: DAY 249

Day 99 Suppression or Standing?

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Not following the mind – is not fun  

Not following the mind – is not fun – following the mind give energetic experience that we perceive to be life – this is the hardest thing for me to accept as the mind loves attention. And when I say “me” it is the mind me that I am accepting and allowing.

The biggest Con

I am seeing that the biggest con that I follow is to allow myself to become scattered and confused as to what is important on a to do list. And as I start doing things I then tend to get many ideas that can support what I am doing, then I go off tract into a different direction instead to stay with one thing. Then I become overwhelmed and discouraged. There are times when I feel disciplined and I push through – but then what happens is I perceive that as a struggle – like I am struggling to keep disciplined and that it should not be that way – that I need a break from pushing myself – I need to let the mind go and follow its curiosity – which now that I think about it –is the idea of being free…So I as the mind think I am free when I can do what ever I want and being disciplined is lack of freedom. These are the excuses I get when I am thinking.


 Being a human feels like such a burden lately. And then I fear that I am even thinking that – as I give it power – these thoughts – but then My biggest deal so to speak – is that I don’t know the difference yet between suppressing a thought and thinking that I am standing up to it – but in reality it is festering to be seen.

Am I stable or not?

It has been two days since I wrote the above- and I am seeing the importance of getting these thoughts and emotions out in writing – I am addressing them – taking a look at them and investigating them within me. I am starting to see the difference between – not looking at something which I would think of as standing up – meaning I will not follow those thoughts and suppressing the thoughts. It is difficult though – the belief that you are not accepting and allowing these thoughts – and suppressing the thoughts. The only way I can tell is if I am still energetically responding or acting out = not stable – but even then I can lie to myself about it. Meaning I can think I am stable but I am really not…

I  forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use and follow the mind as scattered - thus allowing myself to be come confused and then not directing myself at all - through the idea and belief of fear of not knowing what to do when. Thus I allow myself to become distracted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I need a reward for when I push through - but that reward is counter productive to what i have just done!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe life is a burden because I believe that I have so many choices that I accept and allow myself to become confused and overwhelmed at what is most important - thus using the excuse of fear of not doing "the right thing first."

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Day 96 Imagined Mind Conflicts

Desteni Artists

by Jessie

I have noticed that when I am in my mind/imagination going over things, talking to myself in the mind, especially like trying to explain myself, my thoughts, to someone or something, I am talking to someone, something else in my imagination, that I feeling like it is confrontation - and I notice that I get very stiff, my arms and shoulder become ridged and tight. It is like I am defending myself to some imaginary other being, or myself..... hm... Am I defending myself to myself?

Wow I just did it now, as I was trying to explain myself to myself. I tightened up physical in my body as in defensive mode. Why can I not have a conversation with myself without becoming or feeling defensive? Ah I just did it again as I was re-reading this, tensing up because I am trying to express myself in words. Ah I noticed it again when I am thinking - especially when I am thinking about what to say as words, as writing. What is it? Fear of confrontation; fear that I can not explain myself to where one will understand? Fear of exposing myself?

OMG- I think This is what Bernard meant when he talked about the policeman in your head! Yes that is what it feels like - I am always policing my thoughts defending my thoughts to the policeman! lol wow. I never saw this before - If I had not noticed that I am most always tightening up my body when I am thinking and questioned this I would have not understood. Thanks Body - lol
This is very interesting - every time I think my body tenses up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own thoughts to the point where I become defensive with myself. haha - that sounds bazaar!

I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized until now that when ever I am thinking as conversations within my mind/imagination that I have been tensing up my body where I now notice it especially in tightening up of my arms and shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my thoughts as one of expression and one of defense where in my expression in and as thoughts especially words are taken as or come from the starting point of defending myself.

Wherein this may be my resistance towards writing, because I feel that I have to defend my expression as words, thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and stress when I have to write.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to fear I can not express what I am wanting to say and thus will be judged.

Fear of Expressing as Words

I am seeing now that this fear manifested as a child, when wanting to express myself through words that I had to most always defend myself. As many times I was punished by parent and teachers for not using words correctly, or being reprimanded, saying I was wrong for thinking like that, and or I was made fun of by other children for the words I spoke, and I am sure I was guilty of doing the same to others.

Thus when I see or notice myself tensing up I realize that I am in the mind as imagination and self confrontation within the polarity swing of good or bad self conversations and the tension is the fear of thinking something wrong, policing my own thoughts , I stop breathe, and drop and relax my shoulders and arms, and become stable and present here as life, not emotions or feelings.

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• Day 435 Paranoia of Being Reacted To
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• Day 66: From Personal To Physical Living
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Day 86 Debating in our Heads

Got It on My Mind (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Going over and over again in our head over old Hurts. 

This is what I found when I kept bringing up old hurts or wrongs:
What we tend to do in life is hold onto things where we have felt were done TO US.

Thus we keep recreating a situation over and over again in our mind of how someone did us wrong.
Even when it might have been 2 days ago a week ago and even years and years ago. We live this scene and over again in our mind wondering why someone would do that to us.
We have this day, this time, and all is well, nothing really going on – and we will go live those scenes again… Why?
It is like the imagination of it is stored as a picture or movie in our mind and we keep watching the same movie.
What is interesting is this drama or experience is over – done with – in this moment it is not even happening – why do we keep recreating it over and over again in our minds? What are we wanting from this? What purpose are we looking for? It feels like we are trying to prove something at times. What are we wanting to prove? And why do we want to prove it over and over again? It is quite interesting how we will say I am not into drama in my life – but one will keep recreating in their mind something that is done and over with – One must ask – then – who is creating this drama now?

For some reason in our minds we have to always be right (Here we live in and as the paranoia of being wrong) – so we will go over and over something in our head trying to prove to ourself we are right. Well – so what.. Where does that get us, to keep dwelling on these things? Tell the mind to shut up! Lol And move on – be present HERE,out of the mind dwelling, and live life in the physical.
If these things keep coming up, keep coming back- You then have to ask yourself – why is it so important to me to always be right – Find out what you fear about being wrong….what do you fear about losing if you are wrong…..

Write it all out – so you can see the fear that you are defending and understand this is ego, ego wants to always be right and will continually defend itself in the mind. Maybe it is the fear to be the/a victim? Ask your self what it is you are fearing. What if you didn’t fear being a victim? Would you then keep dwelling on it? What if you didn’t fear being wrong or want to be right. Would you care anymore about it?
It is also about the fear of others judging you – what if you didn’t care what others thought about you? Would you then be debating with them in your mind? Are you always judging others in your mind? It is because you fear or think they are judging you in theirs minds?

When it comes up again write SF on all your fears and then– Breathe – say this is ego/mind – and do not accepted and allowing yourself to engage with these repeating thoughts that do not serve you in anyway that is tangible to life.

Make a commitment to SELF –

When I saw and realized that I did not want to live this way anymore – where I am a victim of my own thinking – I made a commitment to myself to learn to see, understand and become the directive principle of my life.
I made a commitment to learn how to stop living as mind memories – Once you make this commitment you are now saying you are willing to change and willing to learn. It will take many times falling – and getting back up – but falling and getting back up at least is not failing.
 

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• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
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Day 85 If I Died Now Who can I say I Was?

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

This is a continuation from the post Change Before You Die!

I have been listening to some of the Life Reviews that Desteni has on Eqafe  –where a person who dies tells of their life they lived on earth. And until Desteni, where I am now learning to how to stop living as polarity thoughts of good, bad and what can be called paranoid thinking, I could sum up who and what I have lived as. When you die it is not about the things you did, but about why you did them - your starting point. And as we are seeing everything we do comes from some sort of paranoid thinking – though many will not see it as that – yet. To get an idea about how we live in the polarity swing of fear of right and wrong as paranoia please see this blog posts about paranoia and the 3 before them.

Okay now my life review from my own understanding of how I have lived my life. The way you do this is to learn how to become self honest in that you can see what your true starting point is in doing anything you do in life. Thus when I look back on my life before I started conscious process, it would have been this: (Note – I am not saying I am done with this – but I got to see clearly how I have been living as my starting point and thus now have the opportunity to change)

This seeing came through as a result of doing the Desteni IProcess where I was doing a mind construct on my mother and that I never felt she was proud of me. Where in I got from the “happy family” TV shows of that time that a mother should be beaming at you with pride as being proud of you. Since I felt I did not get that from my mom, I had created a whole world where I was looking for approval.

Thus this is what I believed - (In the Self Forgiveness format):

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed a visual from a TV show where the mother was smiling huge at her daughter in a “loving” way because she was proud of something that she did and this show was really a propaganda for families suppose to be showing the perfect mother and father and how happy they become when their children do something they approve of. Thus I believed that because I felt my mother was hardly ever proud of me that I can remember I felt that I did not have the perfect mother and I started to became resentful, frustrated and spiteful toward her and blamed her for not being proud of me, when in I then carried that idea and believe that someone has to be proud of you to be special. There for I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel special by love from my mother and went through life thinking I had to prove myself, and looking for approval. Thus I stopped looking/wanting approval from my mother because I became frustrated and felt constant rejection and became resentful instead. But within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want and try to get it from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea/program that I need approval from others to be special. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my existence to be one of looking for approval because I thought and believed that, that made you/one special. And thus within this idea/believe I was secretly accepting and allowing myself to become resentful at life because in my mind everything I did I was hoping for approval and thus lived in a constant fear of not being liked or approved of, to the point where I would compare myself to others to see if they were getting approval and then try to be like them.

This is who and what I thought I should be:

SCS

When and if I am doing something I stop and breath and check myself for the starting point “Am I doing this with the idea and fear that it might not be approved of when in my secrete mind I will imagination someone not liking it or judging it – I will come up with visions in my mind of my mother or father or brother or an acquaintance or teacher or boss or friend and in my mind I wonder if I will get kudos or not and I fear it. I have this fear that I wont be approved of and when I am not I get frustrated and feel that I am doing something wrong and it is like I get angry at life, like life should like me, like it is up to me to get people to like me. If I don’t do that something is wrong. Ah I see it now It is the vision of a smile on someone face that I am looking for – like the smile from the TV show from the mother that is saying –“You did good!” wow – lol okay It is like have I caused you to have sunshine in your life – I want you to smile and be happy and I can say I made you happy. I actually thought it was my job to make people happy, and if I did not, I felt that I failed life. I thought the good life was the happy TV family and that is what god or life wanted from us, so I would try to do that.  (note – I did not try with my mother because I felt she always rejected me – but I then looked for it anywhere else)

This is what and who I would have died as my life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things just so I could get approval from them when in I would manipulate myself in my own mind to find ways to do things so that I would be liked/approved of, be accepted. And then later in life I would do dangerous things, like walk the streets of NYC late at night in unsafe areas to prove to myself that I could do it. I went to all the places you were not suppose to go and did all the things –taboo things you were not suppose to do and this gave me a thrill, where I would be proud of myself because I would do things others were afraid to do and I ended up becoming a hero in my own mind. Lol  To me at that time it was fun – living on the edge and getting away with it, going against the norm of society, going against what society says you must/should do. And I found people who thought this was cool – who approved. I am still smiling now that I think about all the things I did that went against what a mother would want for her child. Lol I wanted to prove to myself that I would be okay not following the rules and not be approved of by my mother. I went and lived in one of the poorest parts of NYC and made friends with the people there where others were even afraid to visit. I was befriending the outcasts. To say to the world (my mother – though she never knew about the things that I did – it would of devastated her – I kept my spite towards her believes in my secret mind) that all things deserve to be investigated and looked at so one can make up their own mind about things. (My mother wanted me to live in her make believe perfect world that I knew was a lie)

I would have died a person who felt and believed that my mission was to be liked and in that I would of felt like I failed because I was making it my starting point of existence/existing as. The energetic experience of “doing good” and the search to be “proud of myself” Thus accomplishing nothing substantial but a mind experience of some sort of self gratification.

This is my Understanding now:

Within all this that I did, I see and understand that I was just looking out for myself that I wanted to give myself approval, that I wanted to live in a way I could be proud of. And within this all at the end of this proving to myself – I finally ended up defeated and depressed. When in I had seen in the world that everyone is suffering, everyone is trying to find something and fit in somewhere and that it was all delusions. I just did not know what life wanted from me, I did not know what to do anymore, as I was living from/for energy and it was running out. The energy belief that I must find something where in I am special. Thus living in constant polarity of feeling good, not feeling good >> -> I want ______

->-> if I don’t get what I want

->->-> I blame

->->-> I feel frustrated

->->->-> I manipulate to get what I want

->->if I get what I want

->->-> I am satisfied.

This is the solution:

 

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to want to be proud of myself where in I would look for energy experience that I could feed off of to feel special and then when that high was over it felt like I had to do it again and I would blame life when that feeling stopped where in I felt frustrated and then I would manipulate myself within my mind to say something is wrong and then create a situation where in I could feel good about myself and feel satisfied for a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in self interest looking for ways to be proud of myself instead to live life as what is best for all as my starting point. 

SCS

When I see myself wanting to do something for the energetic experience of being proud of myself instead to do something because it is the right thing to do I stop and breath and realize that this uses energy that is feeding off the physical body to create an energetic polarity experience of wanting to be proud of myself so that I can feel validation as a less than, more than idea/belief

I commit to myself to stop living as a reason to be proud and instead to live as a reason to do what is best for all. 

Also see this other journey to life blog
<< How to stop being a people pleaser >> http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2013/05/how-to-stop-being-people-pleaser-day-402.html

Join Desteni I Process Pro http://desteniiprocess.com/
or Desteni I Process Lite offered at the top of the page
 

For reading on an alternative to the current Capitalistic System:
Equal Money Capitalism http://economistjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-162-equal-money-capitalism-way.html#.UadEl0A3Adk
 
and

The Equal Money System http://equalmoney.org/
as well as:
The Equal Life Foundation - Bill of Rights: http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/equal-life/

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Day:63 The Love That Got Away

How I allowed myself to be programmed to believe that the one that got away would ruin my life of ever experiencing a loving relationship, and my idea of the perfect relationship. 

(This is a continuation from previous blog - day 62)

As I investigate this long time ago relationship I see that I have labeled it “The One that got Away.” What I mean by this is that I had convinced myself that this relationship if I would not of fucked it up would be the ONE. The one person that I was suppose to be with for along time. I thought this because of our mutual connection that we had with each other. We were both attracted to each other with the same intensity. It was like a dream come true, a dream that I got from the “Movies.” I had not experience this before, it was either I was longing for someone and them not me – or the other way around. I had made romance movies my perception of life and what a romance and partnership should be like. Lol. Well not really funny, not so much then when I was feeling all the pain, shame, regret and longing for the one I lost. See I thought this was the perfect relationship according to some movie I saw. Where two people are so attracted to each other they could hardly stand it. And this intensified as we did not come together for over a year after the first connection – so this build up of wanting to be together (for play lol) lasted for almost a year! 

Well back to last week when I watched Deep Space Nine and it trigger this same old familiar longing I had to want to get back with my ex of so long ago. And that I still have dreams of this, of wanting to connecting and feeling regret and self pity that I will most likely never have this again. And how I regret fucking it up. I ended up calling her! I was scared, thinking wtf am I doing??? But I knew I would always wonder – so I just pushed through the fear and called. She was not there - I left a message – then she called back and left a message, then I called again and she was there. I must say, I am so glad I called. I had some questions about why we broke up, we were really able to talk and she was very accommodating to talk about something that happened so long ago. I mean she has a whole new life now – a husband and a 14yr old daughter. I was grateful; because I saw some points I was not aware of back then. I will get into those later as it will be part of my idea and beliefs about relationships, and my fear to ever have another one – though I have – they could not live up that one. And the point of not wanting to get hurt again would make me not even see another person really. Though even back then with my ex – I did not see her. Only my fantasy of what I thought a relationship should be. 

To be continued…

What did I find out with the phone call?
What did I find out about the same old feeling I had after I dreamed of her again and talked to her again?
Who and what I was within my personal partner relationships

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• Day:62 I Am Too Spiritual to Face This

Day 36:Addiction to the Mind

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself that I did not understand that the mind is a program that produces thoughts of polarity – of feeling good and feeling bad and within this I have become addicted to the thoughts in my mind of believing in knowledge as the high – as that I am doing something just by having the knowledge/a thought and thus not actually changing myself in/as the physical expression of LIFE, but living in my mind as life.

Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe and be addicted to the mind/thoughts as what is real.

Within this I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to look for the mind as comfort searching for thoughts that make me “feel good” instead to stand here in and as the physical. And thus within this I am also accepted and allowing myself to be addicted to thoughts of feeling good that also cause thoughts of self pity and self judgment thus I am living within my mind a constant battle.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in “The Know” there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination – where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

I forgive myself that I have become addicted to the mind as through thinking so much that I fear I cannot be known unless I think.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the worrier and within this I forgive myself that I did not see or understand that the worrier is an addiction to thinking, as I use the polarity of thinking of the bad so I can create something good and fear that if I do not worry and think it out that I am not in control.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in The Know there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical.

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

Fears: I forgive myself that I have not realized that i have had fear to stop the mind as knowledge, thinking/believing that I could not exist because I would not be recognized if I did not have knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have feared not being recognized unless I have knowledge and information - thus living my goal to become "wise" so I could feel that I am alive - thus this become an addiction

When and If I see myself wanting to "think" as justification of my existence and thus use it as a reason not to doing something HERE as the physical I stop these thoughts and move as action with and as the physical and realize I do not need knowledge as thoughts to exist and validate myself.

When as as I see myself wanting to think as Existential crisis - wanting to find a reason why I exist - why I should be here and act/move I stop and realize these are programmed thoughts of "Resistance to Life" and I realize these thoughts are not mine and that trying to figure out who I am and what I am suppose to do is a distraction from/of Life

Further - I realize these thoughts are programmed anyway - I am programmed to be CON- FUSED about life - thus it will be so - unless I stop this con within myself as I will program myself to like who I am as LIFE as I like and enjoy learning how to live Life as what is best for ALL-Thus with this I con the con- to my advantage.

When and if I go into backchat about who I am and what I am doing here that causes con-fusion I remember and live the quote by Bernard: What do you know, you know you can trust. Because right now, you are trusting the world, you are trusting the system. So what do you do? You take that trust and place it as trust in a New World. Where you now trust separation you move your trust to a World of Equality that’s Best for All.

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