Thursday, May 30, 2013

Day 85 If I Died Now Who can I say I Was?

Fear terror eye
Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

This is a continuation from the post Change Before You Die!

I have been listening to some of the Life Reviews that Desteni has on Eqafe  –where a person who dies tells of their life they lived on earth. And until Desteni, where I am now learning to how to stop living as polarity thoughts of good, bad and what can be called paranoid thinking, I could sum up who and what I have lived as. When you die it is not about the things you did, but about why you did them - your starting point. And as we are seeing everything we do comes from some sort of paranoid thinking – though many will not see it as that – yet. To get an idea about how we live in the polarity swing of fear of right and wrong as paranoia please see this blog posts about paranoia and the 3 before them.

Okay now my life review from my own understanding of how I have lived my life. The way you do this is to learn how to become self honest in that you can see what your true starting point is in doing anything you do in life. Thus when I look back on my life before I started conscious process, it would have been this: (Note – I am not saying I am done with this – but I got to see clearly how I have been living as my starting point and thus now have the opportunity to change)

This seeing came through as a result of doing the Desteni IProcess where I was doing a mind construct on my mother and that I never felt she was proud of me. Where in I got from the “happy family” TV shows of that time that a mother should be beaming at you with pride as being proud of you. Since I felt I did not get that from my mom, I had created a whole world where I was looking for approval.

Thus this is what I believed - (In the Self Forgiveness format):

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed a visual from a TV show where the mother was smiling huge at her daughter in a “loving” way because she was proud of something that she did and this show was really a propaganda for families suppose to be showing the perfect mother and father and how happy they become when their children do something they approve of. Thus I believed that because I felt my mother was hardly ever proud of me that I can remember I felt that I did not have the perfect mother and I started to became resentful, frustrated and spiteful toward her and blamed her for not being proud of me, when in I then carried that idea and believe that someone has to be proud of you to be special. There for I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel special by love from my mother and went through life thinking I had to prove myself, and looking for approval. Thus I stopped looking/wanting approval from my mother because I became frustrated and felt constant rejection and became resentful instead. But within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want and try to get it from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea/program that I need approval from others to be special. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my existence to be one of looking for approval because I thought and believed that, that made you/one special. And thus within this idea/believe I was secretly accepting and allowing myself to become resentful at life because in my mind everything I did I was hoping for approval and thus lived in a constant fear of not being liked or approved of, to the point where I would compare myself to others to see if they were getting approval and then try to be like them.

This is who and what I thought I should be:


When and if I am doing something I stop and breath and check myself for the starting point “Am I doing this with the idea and fear that it might not be approved of when in my secrete mind I will imagination someone not liking it or judging it – I will come up with visions in my mind of my mother or father or brother or an acquaintance or teacher or boss or friend and in my mind I wonder if I will get kudos or not and I fear it. I have this fear that I wont be approved of and when I am not I get frustrated and feel that I am doing something wrong and it is like I get angry at life, like life should like me, like it is up to me to get people to like me. If I don’t do that something is wrong. Ah I see it now It is the vision of a smile on someone face that I am looking for – like the smile from the TV show from the mother that is saying –“You did good!” wow – lol okay It is like have I caused you to have sunshine in your life – I want you to smile and be happy and I can say I made you happy. I actually thought it was my job to make people happy, and if I did not, I felt that I failed life. I thought the good life was the happy TV family and that is what god or life wanted from us, so I would try to do that.  (note – I did not try with my mother because I felt she always rejected me – but I then looked for it anywhere else)

This is what and who I would have died as my life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things just so I could get approval from them when in I would manipulate myself in my own mind to find ways to do things so that I would be liked/approved of, be accepted. And then later in life I would do dangerous things, like walk the streets of NYC late at night in unsafe areas to prove to myself that I could do it. I went to all the places you were not suppose to go and did all the things –taboo things you were not suppose to do and this gave me a thrill, where I would be proud of myself because I would do things others were afraid to do and I ended up becoming a hero in my own mind. Lol  To me at that time it was fun – living on the edge and getting away with it, going against the norm of society, going against what society says you must/should do. And I found people who thought this was cool – who approved. I am still smiling now that I think about all the things I did that went against what a mother would want for her child. Lol I wanted to prove to myself that I would be okay not following the rules and not be approved of by my mother. I went and lived in one of the poorest parts of NYC and made friends with the people there where others were even afraid to visit. I was befriending the outcasts. To say to the world (my mother – though she never knew about the things that I did – it would of devastated her – I kept my spite towards her believes in my secret mind) that all things deserve to be investigated and looked at so one can make up their own mind about things. (My mother wanted me to live in her make believe perfect world that I knew was a lie)

I would have died a person who felt and believed that my mission was to be liked and in that I would of felt like I failed because I was making it my starting point of existence/existing as. The energetic experience of “doing good” and the search to be “proud of myself” Thus accomplishing nothing substantial but a mind experience of some sort of self gratification.

This is my Understanding now:

Within all this that I did, I see and understand that I was just looking out for myself that I wanted to give myself approval, that I wanted to live in a way I could be proud of. And within this all at the end of this proving to myself – I finally ended up defeated and depressed. When in I had seen in the world that everyone is suffering, everyone is trying to find something and fit in somewhere and that it was all delusions. I just did not know what life wanted from me, I did not know what to do anymore, as I was living from/for energy and it was running out. The energy belief that I must find something where in I am special. Thus living in constant polarity of feeling good, not feeling good >> -> I want ______

->-> if I don’t get what I want

->->-> I blame

->->-> I feel frustrated

->->->-> I manipulate to get what I want

->->if I get what I want

->->-> I am satisfied.

This is the solution:

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to want to be proud of myself where in I would look for energy experience that I could feed off of to feel special and then when that high was over it felt like I had to do it again and I would blame life when that feeling stopped where in I felt frustrated and then I would manipulate myself within my mind to say something is wrong and then create a situation where in I could feel good about myself and feel satisfied for a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in self interest looking for ways to be proud of myself instead to live life as what is best for all as my starting point. 


When I see myself wanting to do something for the energetic experience of being proud of myself instead to do something because it is the right thing to do I stop and breath and realize that this uses energy that is feeding off the physical body to create an energetic polarity experience of wanting to be proud of myself so that I can feel validation as a less than, more than idea/belief

I commit to myself to stop living as a reason to be proud and instead to live as a reason to do what is best for all. 

Also see this other journey to life blog
<< How to stop being a people pleaser >>

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For reading on an alternative to the current Capitalistic System:
Equal Money Capitalism

The Equal Money System
as well as:
The Equal Life Foundation - Bill of Rights:

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