Day 95 People and Porn or Sex on Crack

anti-pornography in China (Photo credit: Tricia Wang 王圣捷)

What I have notice with people who watch a lot of porn is that they are not HERE. I mean when you talk to them, or try to communicate with them, it is like they have this haze in their eyes. They don’t really see you. It is like something is going on in the back of their minds distracting them from being present with you or with something they are doing. It is quite frustrating really. They are living in a fantasy world within their mind and miss out on real communication. Now this can also happen when one is distracted with worry or other issues, but they will usually talk about it. But when one is a porn watcher they really do not want to be disturbed out of their fantasy of picture presentations, and they think or want it to be real life. That is why there is so much divorce over porn use. I also think some feel guilty and thus project there anger towards others because of the conflict that watching porn can cause.

This is one static about Porn:

“At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, a gathering of the nation’s divorce lawyers, attendees revealed that 58% of their divorces were a result of a spouse looking at excessive amounts of pornography online.”

I never liked Porn, I thought it degrading to both men and women. But there are even consequences for those who don’t watch it. For example I felt judged by others because I did not like it, feeling maybe there is something wrong with me? I became confused and even intimidate by sex because of how it was portrayed in Porn Videos. I know that today many kids are most likely made fun of it they don’t watch it. And people forget or choose not see that Porn is a money making industry, which will prey on anyone no matter who they hurt. They will glorify it to young men and women to make money. Instead of being taught how to really communicate and share intimacy with each other, children are now thinking that Porn is The Norm. They are thinking this is what sex is about. Porn is causing over stimulation resulting in a decrease of fulfillment. Like any addiction, you must have more and more, because your highs are harder to fulfill. 

You must see that these Porn actors are really going through; this is show in a video that was made by 2 Ex porn actors.
Two Ex Porn Stars Uncover the Truth About Porn 

And this is another problem that is happening as the results of Porn.
How Porn is Affecting the Libido of the Male

Porn should be see for what it is, Sex on Crack – It is legally being sold, just like drugs to Kids and Adults and the goal is to get you hooked so they will keep making money from you. What is that saying? Anything for a buck, sorry about your luck.

Facebook Porn Alt Delete 

 

 
• Porn Sex vs. Real Sex: Can we turn the lights out please!

None Are Free Until All are Free: http://basicincome.me/ and

http://equalmoney.org/

Self Mastery http://desteniiprocess.com/

Self Perfection Interviews https://eqafe.com/

Writing to Freedom – Destonians

 

Day 92 Fear of Time = Procrastination

I am sharing my one of my Dip Lite assignments:

I woke up this morning actually dreaming about procrastination - I was trying to understand it and sort it out in my sleep or dream. What I am seeing is that my procrastination is linked to fear of being disappointed, or fear of the struggle to do something. It is interesting because I use to not be like this. I wanted to try and do most anything. But now I have this fear of it. Also what is coming up is time - I think something is going to take too much time to do, I am accepting and allowing myself to fear starting something because I have experienced from the past when I want to do something and then it takes way longer than I thought, and then I worry about other things i have to do - so I fear getting started. For example I wanted to change the oil in the Tractor lawn mower as I am taking care of the property while my landlord is gone. Now changing oil should take 15 min. But because I never changed the oil in this type of machine - I would have to research how - and I did, I had to find the right model and serial numbers - find the website - find instructions which took over and hour - then I had to find the right tools to get the plug out, ect.. So all in all it took about 1 1/2 to change the oil. Not a big deal - but something happened to me that I am just seeing as I get older - I use to like learning something new, and the challenge and wonderment of learning and doing new things, but now I am seeing the challenge as a chore, as something stressful to do, and thus I procrastinate. wow... It is like I have lost my excitement for life. I am becoming rigid, I am seeing moving in life as a chore instead of life itself. Shit! I better snap out of it! I am seeing set backs as accumulated disappointments, which lead me to want to procrastinate instead of being HERE as Life with life, with out judgment.

So within this point I see that I had a definition of time with the starting point of fear - Thus now, to redefine time as direction of life.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to define the word time within the starting point of fear, instead to live time HERE as the direction of Life.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to procrastinate because of fear of disappointment.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to start to live as and believe that doing things are a struggle and a chore because I fear the time it will take to do them.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to worry about time as a factor to live life!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing the idea of time/how long something will take and see it as stressful - thus I am relating time to equal stress!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to see time as stressful. And within this I compromise myself by being in my mind imagining doing something as stressful because of the time it will take, instead to be HERE with Life and not time.

I forgive myself that somewhere along the line I must of heard that there is not enough time and thus I feared the idea of time - to instead of getting things done - I would fear the time - I would fear not getting it done "in time" thus within my mind I would stress about it and I would procrastinate starting something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointment because in the past something I would do did not work out the first or maybe the second time and that meant some thing’s will take more time, and I would see that as a disappointment because of my idea of time as stressful.. 

I now commit myself to see learn and understand that when I see myself starting to go into stress about doing something or getting something done, I understand that I had defined getting something done with the idea of fear of time. And thus I was living in my mind of fear and imagination of past and worry of the future within self judgment of getting something done, instead to be one, together with what I am doing as a tribute to and as life as to what is best for all as life. Thus I commit myself to change my definition of time as merely direction of and as life, and I commit myself to teach myself to be HERE as Breath as one with Life. 

Relvant Blog: 

Cutting Edge of Time

None Are Free Until All are Free: http://basicincome.me/ and

http://equalmoney.org/

Self Mastery http://desteniiprocess.com/

Interviews https://eqafe.com/

Related articles

• An Epidemic of Chronic Boredom - Day 412
• Stop Procrastinating

Day 89 Military Soldiers, Secret Suffering – Imagine

 Last night I when out to a small neighborhood club with a friend to hear her sing. I do not go out like this much anymore, but my friend came from out of town to visit so we went out. This morning I woke up with a fear and discouragement because I saw that every person there was asleep in the program. I mean I have seen this before, but somehow today it stuck me hard and scared me. I was the only one not drinking and there were military boys there who had seen and experienced horrible things while deployed to Iraq and other places. One boy bought 8 shots of whiskey, one for each of his friends that died while deployed and wanted all of use to drink one shot for each of his friends, that night was the anniversary day that they died. I pretended to drink mine, so someone else drank it.

Then to my surprise a friend that came to see my friend sing started to talk to me about what happened to him when in Iraq, he was shaking and getting stuck in his speech as he was coming up to the part of the story that changed his life forever. He started to cry as he was telling me; I just tried to gently encourage him to continue to share with me what happened, so he could tell his story. It was just me and him. Today my heart is breaking, as I saw this poor boy scared for life in his mind of what he had witnessed while there.
I saw his eyes even before I even heard his story, they were in a far off place as it looked like he was staring at the walls, he could not look others in the face for long and had a constant twitching of his legs, as now I see he was in his imagination of the events he had witness, like trying to make sense of them, and an emptiness that haunts me when I think about his eyes. And I think my god, I see this all the time on short clips in the news or more in depth in documentaries, of the slaughter that happens in wars. It is just pictures I see.

This person who talked to me was real in my presents, telling me what goes on in wars, and I see how so many young boys are scared for life. I think he actually saw how he accepted and allowed himself to be manipulated by the military, and I think he was ashamed and did not know how to deal with that. He mentioned he went into the military to help his brother, because they tell the soldiers that are sent home for a break, that if you can not recruit someone in a certain time frame that you will have to go back to Iraq and not get your full time off. So he thought he would pretend to want to join the military to help his brother get more time, but he ended up signing the papers to join the military.

This was hard to listen too, what our military does to people, with no support or carrying at all about life. And how helpless these young people must feel because there is no where to turn, to tell their story, none of it is supported and meant not to be told. And it makes people very uncomfortable to listen to this kind of suffering, so I can imagine that these boys might feel alone in the world. Imagine if they put true stories like this everyday on the news instead of bullshit entertainment. As I am writing this my heart feels broken as I cry with him, as I feel and experience the frustration of what we have accepted and allowed our existence to turn into.

The heartbreak was like a quantum vision I had when hearing his story, not just his story, but I saw and felt, the millions if not billions of people who suffer witness to these horrifying slaughters of human life in the name of war.
The fear that I felt was an inner feeling of the extensiveness of the programming, because I saw every person in the club being the program, exposing my own program, everyone accepting and allowing and trying to find a way in theirs minds to... accept and allow war. Like sorry brother, you had to experience that, lets have a drink.

The frustration was how can I help? The frustration that why can we not just say I will not kill for you anymore. The frustration that those words are so clear and simple - but we do not say it.

I imagine this boy’s life and billions of others who have witnessed the insanity of war, and I realize how they must dread waking up in the morning, only to everyday relive the absolute unimaginable images of great suffering and heartache that they will continually live with.
Maybe we need to first Imagined how much suffering really is going on in the world instead to suppressed and hide it, and then we can start to change this existence to one that is best for all. But I know how we think – we have no time to worry about others, I have to take care of myself and family and hope that does not happen to us.

I don’t know if all soldiers will admit they feel like this, you know it is taught that is weak in a Man and true “solider,” but if you look in their eyes you can see they are hiding and suppressing how they feel or covering it up with justifications that we get and accept from propaganda telling us that our war is honorable.

I think if we imagined these things happening to us – we could wake up and start to support changing the system to one that supports All of Life.

THE SOLUTION:

Join

Basic Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation

"because war is no longer necessary to keep capitalism going" See rest of quote below

 Join Desteni the system busters, Get your WAKE UP CALL – get involved – The world will not change unless we change it Together. None are free until All are free.

Quote: 
"Furthermore within a system of Basic Income Guaranteed, the products created must be within the context of preserving resources in the World and therefore it must be engineered to last as long as possible, because the added value to a product which is the basis of creating a sustainable economic system, is the labor point and that one equates mathematically; and by having all the information available about everyone and having what is available in the world within the planned model, one can plan exactly what needs to happen with every product, moving in the system to ensure that in the end, every person on Earth has got an effective Basic Income Guaranteed and those that want to earn more can do so and become wealthy, if they want to. This way capitalism survives, ingenuity becomes beneficial and the deception and illusion that is created through public relations and the public lie of obsolescence disappears and the world resources become sustainable, the use of energy becomes sustainable, the economy becomes sustainable and peace and harmony becomes sustainable because war is no longer necessary to keep capitalism going." Bernard Poolman

Related articles

• Day 440: Public Relations and Basic Income Guaranteed
• Basic Income Guaranteed and Human Rights
• Iraq Vet Kills Himself After Being Ordered to Commit "War Crimes"

Day 88 What is “What is best for All?”

The Equal Right of future generations to receive a living planet free of pollution, disease, hunger, violence and destruction so that life shall endure and thrive into eternity now and forever. 

Desteni shares the message of living a life that is Best for all Life. 

When I say that to someone I get a look… Like what the fuck does best for all mean? I mean I even ask that question at first. Like huh? It seems to be incomprehensible to people. And then I get the question “Who decides what is best for all?” And the question is not in a curious way or tone, but in a skeptical, cautious and fearful tone.  Like how can someone possibly KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL!

Thus I am seeing that we as a human race never ever considered the idea that something can be best for ALL. The argument is everyone is different, an individual you know, how can someone know what is best for them. What is best for them may not be best for me, type of fear. I mean it creates fear, this idea of doing something with the starting point of what is best for all of life.

And now that this point became clear to me, I think we need to define what, what best for all means. It has to have a definition because the idea of what is means to people now is one of fear. 

So I will then use and example to explain to them what is best for all. So as an example, I would say, when the USA goes to other countries and kills there people and steals their resources – ask is that best for all? No it is not – it is not best for those countries and their people or the land, it is only best for USA, but not really because killing others and making enemies is not best for anyone. Well that is one way I have explained it. Then I say, everyone will decide what is best for all – there will be an equal vote. A bill of rights and laws will be presented, that will protect all of life. And if all of life is happy and taken care of, so are you. So what would be the problem with that?

What fear would you have to that? If it is not best for all, then it would not be put to law.

But still people fear that, they fear that they will not be allowed to do something…One of the fears is “what will you do with people who do not want what is best for all?” Interesting isn’t it? It is like people do not want that rule/law – they don’t trust it!

So then I say it will be voted on as to what to do with those who do not want what is best for all. And some are still in fear. Why?

 People are afraid that having a world that supports what is best for all life will “Take Away Your Right as far as you’re concerned to Acquire Your Own Wealth and Happiness through Consciousness, through Conning Other People. So you’ll Blame the Truth as being a Con, the Truth as Negative, but the Truth is the Truth – You Cannot Change that.” (See more at: http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/#sthash.PrsKDi0N.dpuf)

The truth is that we if we do not share recourses equally with human and nature beings that we are destroying ourselves because we are living against life, not with it. We are taking parts of life and saying this is mine – I can do what I want – and there are consequences – billions are suffering and more to follow.

Could it be We do not trust the word BEST? We have been constantly told what is best for us! Our parents tell us, all the TV commercials and drug companies tells us what is “best” for us and most all of it are lies. No one can tell us what is best for us because usually, when told that it is best for us, the one who is telling you that, is because it is best for them.

 But Desteni uses the term “What is best for All” Not the phrase “what is best” but the phrase “What is best for ALL.”

With all said, I would say that maybe the word “best” might need to be replaced, as all we can see and hear is “what is best” and we don’t trust that, because we know it is deceptive because we do it and use it ourselves… What is fair for all life? No that won’t work; fair has way too many loop holes. It is like it was quoted above – we are taught from birth to think what is best for Us – not for all. So we only look out for ourselves and ignore the state of the world that we have created.

So  we need to get over our self interest fear of living as the starting point of what is best for all, the fear is a program instilled at birth by the sins of our fathers, who did not see or understand the consequences of this type of thinking.

Related articles

• Day 449: The Greatest Secret to Wealth
• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• Day 447: Good Deeds as Deception

Day 87 4th of July Independence Day – We the People

English: Fireworks on the Fourth of July (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself that I am angry and frustrated that I am turning 60yrs old next month and this world has only gotten worst. And that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by the time I was this age that we as human nature would have developed into a world were we cared about each other and the earth that we live on. Where wars has stopped and we grew past this to where we support life and not live by the god of greed and take and started instead to give to one another in support of the glory of life for All.  

I forgive myself that I am angry and frustrated that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had no idea to the extent that the leaders that are put in office to run our world are controlled and run by cognitive disinformation, greed and corruption against the people that they are sworn to protect. That as I was growing up I put my faith in the government and God to care about the people and nature, but now see how faith has failed us – and that I blindly accepted and allowed myself to believe that corruption would just magically stop.

I forgive myself that I did not see these things and did not believe it was my place or that I could make a difference and just wanted to believe that god and government would do the right thing. I thought as long as me and my surrounding friends and family were okay that I was looked on favorably by god with the “hope” that we would be okay – even though there were awful atrocities going on in other parts of the world – not even seeing that even in my country before I was born that many Indians were slaughtered and that inequality was practiced to make way for the corruption by the Elite.

I am amazed that WE THE PEOPLE are the 99%, and that we have just accepted and allowed the brainwashing of those with the “Money”(1% Elite) which we have accepted and allowed to = Power over us, to not use our common sense, but we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be manipulate by irrational emotions which the few new how to use against us for their personal agendas. Thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a sheeple and follow the crowd being led to the slaughter when in I did not see or realize that it is up to us to change –  to not accept and allow abuse and greed to be our god.

 We Must start to see how absurd this is – that we allow 1% to rule and make laws that do not support life but only their personal agenda in mind. We must start to see that the Elite have NOTHING if they DO NOT HAVE US! Who goes and fights their wars! Wars promoted by propaganda that we have accepted and allowed ourself to believe because they know how to use words that evoke emotions in us towards their agendas.

We must start to SEE that IF we want A better world – a better place for Our Children to Live and be Proud of, that we the 99% are the ones that must and can make this possible. What are we afraid of to make a stand? That our liberties will be taken away? Who will take them away? Who will let them take them away? OMG this can stop in a minute so to speak if WE THE PEOPLE WOKE UP and said NO MORE ABUSE. We will only support laws that take all of life into consideration and to where LIFE is Honored and Not destroyed for Profit. The Elite sold us the bill of goods – that profit above all else is what will insure life – As we are seeing now – this is not So. We have become destroyer of life on Earth, our home.

Take a stand – support the Basic Income Grant. It is a start to show life that giving is the way to receive. 



The section below is From:
http://christineannhansen.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-340-every-breath-you-take.html

"The Most Important Topic of Our Time"
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2x6TEeknfo&feature=youtu.be

 As I watched this video, presenting information that I was already aware of, I had to keep breathing and bringing myself back Here to my physical body, as the enormity of what we are facing is beyond belief, where one wants to feel 'hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed'.

 Yet I see, realize and understand that that is NOT AN OPTION as the very earth which we live on is in great peril. This is a time for practical solutions which must be implemented in order to SAVE life on earth. 

So why do we as mankind not look up and question what is going on? Is it because we are too busy looking down into our lives, trying to make ends meet financially, not even able to take care of ourselves that we leave the 'taking care of the planet' to someone else? 

 Let's think BIG! (Basic Income Grant) In order to come together and come up with practical solutions to our earth in crisis, we have to all be able to move out of survival mode, being able to support ourselves and our families, so that we can then start addressing all the other issues in this world that we have accepted and allowed. 

Please investigate these important links for assistance and support: 

Join us at Desteni
Read Journey to Life Blogs
Invest in EQAFE interviews
Enroll in Desteni's DIP Lite Course - Learn Essential Life Skills Support

 - Equal Money System
 - Equal Life Foundation
 - Basic Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation

"The Most Important Topic of Our Time"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2x6TEeknfo&feature=youtu.be

As I watched this video, presenting information that I was already aware of, I had to keep breathing and bringing myself back Here to my physical body, as the enormity of what we are facing is beyond belief, where one wants to feel 'hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed'.

Yet I see, realize and understand that that is NOT AN OPTION as the very earth which we live on is in great peril.  This is a time for practical solutions which must be implemented in order to SAVE life on earth.

So why do we as mankind not look up and question what is going on?  Is it because we are too busy looking down into our lives, trying to make ends meet financially, not even able to take care of ourselves that we leave the 'taking care of the planet' to someone else?

Let's think BIG! (Basic Income Grant)

In order to come together and come up with practical solutions to our earth in crisis, we have to all be able to move out of survival mode, being able to support ourselves and our families, so that we can then start addressing all the other issues in this world that we have accepted and allowed.

Please investigate these important links for assistance and support:

Join us at Desteni

Read Journey to Life Blogs

Invest in EQAFE interviews

Enroll in Desteni's DIP Lite Course - Learn Essential Life Skills

Support - Equal Money System - Equal Life Foundation -

Basic Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation - See more at: http://christineannhansen.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-340-every-breath-you-take.html#sthash.LcymXBDU.dpuf

"The Most Important Topic of Our Time"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2x6TEeknfo&feature=youtu.be

As I watched this video, presenting information that I was already aware of, I had to keep breathing and bringing myself back Here to my physical body, as the enormity of what we are facing is beyond belief, where one wants to feel 'hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed'.

Yet I see, realize and understand that that is NOT AN OPTION as the very earth which we live on is in great peril.  This is a time for practical solutions which must be implemented in order to SAVE life on earth.

So why do we as mankind not look up and question what is going on?  Is it because we are too busy looking down into our lives, trying to make ends meet financially, not even able to take care of ourselves that we leave the 'taking care of the planet' to someone else?

Let's think BIG! (Basic Income Grant)

In order to come together and come up with practical solutions to our earth in crisis, we have to all be able to move out of survival mode, being able to support ourselves and our families, so that we can then start addressing all the other issues in this world that we have accepted and allowed.

Please investigate these important links for assistance and support:

Join us at Desteni

Read Journey to Life Blogs

Invest in EQAFE interviews

Enroll in Desteni's DIP Lite Course - Learn Essential Life Skills

Support - Equal Money System - Equal Life Foundation -

Basic Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation - See more at: http://christineannhansen.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-340-every-breath-you-take.html#sthash.LcymXBDU.dpuf

Related articles

• Day 418: Basic Income Can Save Capitalism
• Day 421: Basic Income Grant and the Nationalization of Banks
• Day 414 Paranoia of Not Having Enough Money to Survive
• Day 432:Basic Income and Commodity Pricing
• Day 434: Basic Income and Animal Rights

Day 86 Debating in our Heads

Got It on My Mind (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Going over and over again in our head over old Hurts. 

This is what I found when I kept bringing up old hurts or wrongs:
What we tend to do in life is hold onto things where we have felt were done TO US.

Thus we keep recreating a situation over and over again in our mind of how someone did us wrong.
Even when it might have been 2 days ago a week ago and even years and years ago. We live this scene and over again in our mind wondering why someone would do that to us.
We have this day, this time, and all is well, nothing really going on – and we will go live those scenes again… Why?
It is like the imagination of it is stored as a picture or movie in our mind and we keep watching the same movie.
What is interesting is this drama or experience is over – done with – in this moment it is not even happening – why do we keep recreating it over and over again in our minds? What are we wanting from this? What purpose are we looking for? It feels like we are trying to prove something at times. What are we wanting to prove? And why do we want to prove it over and over again? It is quite interesting how we will say I am not into drama in my life – but one will keep recreating in their mind something that is done and over with – One must ask – then – who is creating this drama now?

For some reason in our minds we have to always be right (Here we live in and as the paranoia of being wrong) – so we will go over and over something in our head trying to prove to ourself we are right. Well – so what.. Where does that get us, to keep dwelling on these things? Tell the mind to shut up! Lol And move on – be present HERE,out of the mind dwelling, and live life in the physical.
If these things keep coming up, keep coming back- You then have to ask yourself – why is it so important to me to always be right – Find out what you fear about being wrong….what do you fear about losing if you are wrong…..

Write it all out – so you can see the fear that you are defending and understand this is ego, ego wants to always be right and will continually defend itself in the mind. Maybe it is the fear to be the/a victim? Ask your self what it is you are fearing. What if you didn’t fear being a victim? Would you then keep dwelling on it? What if you didn’t fear being wrong or want to be right. Would you care anymore about it?
It is also about the fear of others judging you – what if you didn’t care what others thought about you? Would you then be debating with them in your mind? Are you always judging others in your mind? It is because you fear or think they are judging you in theirs minds?

When it comes up again write SF on all your fears and then– Breathe – say this is ego/mind – and do not accepted and allowing yourself to engage with these repeating thoughts that do not serve you in anyway that is tangible to life.

Make a commitment to SELF –

When I saw and realized that I did not want to live this way anymore – where I am a victim of my own thinking – I made a commitment to myself to learn to see, understand and become the directive principle of my life.
I made a commitment to learn how to stop living as mind memories – Once you make this commitment you are now saying you are willing to change and willing to learn. It will take many times falling – and getting back up – but falling and getting back up at least is not failing.
 

Related articles

• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• The Lingering Effect of Trauma - Day 403

Day 85 If I Died Now Who can I say I Was?

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

This is a continuation from the post Change Before You Die!

I have been listening to some of the Life Reviews that Desteni has on Eqafe  –where a person who dies tells of their life they lived on earth. And until Desteni, where I am now learning to how to stop living as polarity thoughts of good, bad and what can be called paranoid thinking, I could sum up who and what I have lived as. When you die it is not about the things you did, but about why you did them - your starting point. And as we are seeing everything we do comes from some sort of paranoid thinking – though many will not see it as that – yet. To get an idea about how we live in the polarity swing of fear of right and wrong as paranoia please see this blog posts about paranoia and the 3 before them.

Okay now my life review from my own understanding of how I have lived my life. The way you do this is to learn how to become self honest in that you can see what your true starting point is in doing anything you do in life. Thus when I look back on my life before I started conscious process, it would have been this: (Note – I am not saying I am done with this – but I got to see clearly how I have been living as my starting point and thus now have the opportunity to change)

This seeing came through as a result of doing the Desteni IProcess where I was doing a mind construct on my mother and that I never felt she was proud of me. Where in I got from the “happy family” TV shows of that time that a mother should be beaming at you with pride as being proud of you. Since I felt I did not get that from my mom, I had created a whole world where I was looking for approval.

Thus this is what I believed - (In the Self Forgiveness format):

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed a visual from a TV show where the mother was smiling huge at her daughter in a “loving” way because she was proud of something that she did and this show was really a propaganda for families suppose to be showing the perfect mother and father and how happy they become when their children do something they approve of. Thus I believed that because I felt my mother was hardly ever proud of me that I can remember I felt that I did not have the perfect mother and I started to became resentful, frustrated and spiteful toward her and blamed her for not being proud of me, when in I then carried that idea and believe that someone has to be proud of you to be special. There for I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel special by love from my mother and went through life thinking I had to prove myself, and looking for approval. Thus I stopped looking/wanting approval from my mother because I became frustrated and felt constant rejection and became resentful instead. But within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want and try to get it from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea/program that I need approval from others to be special. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my existence to be one of looking for approval because I thought and believed that, that made you/one special. And thus within this idea/believe I was secretly accepting and allowing myself to become resentful at life because in my mind everything I did I was hoping for approval and thus lived in a constant fear of not being liked or approved of, to the point where I would compare myself to others to see if they were getting approval and then try to be like them.

This is who and what I thought I should be:

SCS

When and if I am doing something I stop and breath and check myself for the starting point “Am I doing this with the idea and fear that it might not be approved of when in my secrete mind I will imagination someone not liking it or judging it – I will come up with visions in my mind of my mother or father or brother or an acquaintance or teacher or boss or friend and in my mind I wonder if I will get kudos or not and I fear it. I have this fear that I wont be approved of and when I am not I get frustrated and feel that I am doing something wrong and it is like I get angry at life, like life should like me, like it is up to me to get people to like me. If I don’t do that something is wrong. Ah I see it now It is the vision of a smile on someone face that I am looking for – like the smile from the TV show from the mother that is saying –“You did good!” wow – lol okay It is like have I caused you to have sunshine in your life – I want you to smile and be happy and I can say I made you happy. I actually thought it was my job to make people happy, and if I did not, I felt that I failed life. I thought the good life was the happy TV family and that is what god or life wanted from us, so I would try to do that.  (note – I did not try with my mother because I felt she always rejected me – but I then looked for it anywhere else)

This is what and who I would have died as my life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things just so I could get approval from them when in I would manipulate myself in my own mind to find ways to do things so that I would be liked/approved of, be accepted. And then later in life I would do dangerous things, like walk the streets of NYC late at night in unsafe areas to prove to myself that I could do it. I went to all the places you were not suppose to go and did all the things –taboo things you were not suppose to do and this gave me a thrill, where I would be proud of myself because I would do things others were afraid to do and I ended up becoming a hero in my own mind. Lol  To me at that time it was fun – living on the edge and getting away with it, going against the norm of society, going against what society says you must/should do. And I found people who thought this was cool – who approved. I am still smiling now that I think about all the things I did that went against what a mother would want for her child. Lol I wanted to prove to myself that I would be okay not following the rules and not be approved of by my mother. I went and lived in one of the poorest parts of NYC and made friends with the people there where others were even afraid to visit. I was befriending the outcasts. To say to the world (my mother – though she never knew about the things that I did – it would of devastated her – I kept my spite towards her believes in my secret mind) that all things deserve to be investigated and looked at so one can make up their own mind about things. (My mother wanted me to live in her make believe perfect world that I knew was a lie)

I would have died a person who felt and believed that my mission was to be liked and in that I would of felt like I failed because I was making it my starting point of existence/existing as. The energetic experience of “doing good” and the search to be “proud of myself” Thus accomplishing nothing substantial but a mind experience of some sort of self gratification.

This is my Understanding now:

Within all this that I did, I see and understand that I was just looking out for myself that I wanted to give myself approval, that I wanted to live in a way I could be proud of. And within this all at the end of this proving to myself – I finally ended up defeated and depressed. When in I had seen in the world that everyone is suffering, everyone is trying to find something and fit in somewhere and that it was all delusions. I just did not know what life wanted from me, I did not know what to do anymore, as I was living from/for energy and it was running out. The energy belief that I must find something where in I am special. Thus living in constant polarity of feeling good, not feeling good >> -> I want ______

->-> if I don’t get what I want

->->-> I blame

->->-> I feel frustrated

->->->-> I manipulate to get what I want

->->if I get what I want

->->-> I am satisfied.

This is the solution:

 

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to want to be proud of myself where in I would look for energy experience that I could feed off of to feel special and then when that high was over it felt like I had to do it again and I would blame life when that feeling stopped where in I felt frustrated and then I would manipulate myself within my mind to say something is wrong and then create a situation where in I could feel good about myself and feel satisfied for a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in self interest looking for ways to be proud of myself instead to live life as what is best for all as my starting point. 

SCS

When I see myself wanting to do something for the energetic experience of being proud of myself instead to do something because it is the right thing to do I stop and breath and realize that this uses energy that is feeding off the physical body to create an energetic polarity experience of wanting to be proud of myself so that I can feel validation as a less than, more than idea/belief

I commit to myself to stop living as a reason to be proud and instead to live as a reason to do what is best for all. 

Also see this other journey to life blog
<< How to stop being a people pleaser >> http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2013/05/how-to-stop-being-people-pleaser-day-402.html

Join Desteni I Process Pro http://desteniiprocess.com/
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For reading on an alternative to the current Capitalistic System:
Equal Money Capitalism http://economistjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-162-equal-money-capitalism-way.html#.UadEl0A3Adk
 
and

The Equal Money System http://equalmoney.org/
as well as:
The Equal Life Foundation - Bill of Rights: http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/equal-life/

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