Day 92 Fear of Time = Procrastination

I am sharing my one of my Dip Lite assignments:

I woke up this morning actually dreaming about procrastination - I was trying to understand it and sort it out in my sleep or dream. What I am seeing is that my procrastination is linked to fear of being disappointed, or fear of the struggle to do something. It is interesting because I use to not be like this. I wanted to try and do most anything. But now I have this fear of it. Also what is coming up is time - I think something is going to take too much time to do, I am accepting and allowing myself to fear starting something because I have experienced from the past when I want to do something and then it takes way longer than I thought, and then I worry about other things i have to do - so I fear getting started. For example I wanted to change the oil in the Tractor lawn mower as I am taking care of the property while my landlord is gone. Now changing oil should take 15 min. But because I never changed the oil in this type of machine - I would have to research how - and I did, I had to find the right model and serial numbers - find the website - find instructions which took over and hour - then I had to find the right tools to get the plug out, ect.. So all in all it took about 1 1/2 to change the oil. Not a big deal - but something happened to me that I am just seeing as I get older - I use to like learning something new, and the challenge and wonderment of learning and doing new things, but now I am seeing the challenge as a chore, as something stressful to do, and thus I procrastinate. wow... It is like I have lost my excitement for life. I am becoming rigid, I am seeing moving in life as a chore instead of life itself. Shit! I better snap out of it! I am seeing set backs as accumulated disappointments, which lead me to want to procrastinate instead of being HERE as Life with life, with out judgment.

So within this point I see that I had a definition of time with the starting point of fear - Thus now, to redefine time as direction of life.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to define the word time within the starting point of fear, instead to live time HERE as the direction of Life.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to procrastinate because of fear of disappointment.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to start to live as and believe that doing things are a struggle and a chore because I fear the time it will take to do them.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to worry about time as a factor to live life!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing the idea of time/how long something will take and see it as stressful - thus I am relating time to equal stress!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to see time as stressful. And within this I compromise myself by being in my mind imagining doing something as stressful because of the time it will take, instead to be HERE with Life and not time.

I forgive myself that somewhere along the line I must of heard that there is not enough time and thus I feared the idea of time - to instead of getting things done - I would fear the time - I would fear not getting it done "in time" thus within my mind I would stress about it and I would procrastinate starting something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointment because in the past something I would do did not work out the first or maybe the second time and that meant some thing’s will take more time, and I would see that as a disappointment because of my idea of time as stressful.. 

I now commit myself to see learn and understand that when I see myself starting to go into stress about doing something or getting something done, I understand that I had defined getting something done with the idea of fear of time. And thus I was living in my mind of fear and imagination of past and worry of the future within self judgment of getting something done, instead to be one, together with what I am doing as a tribute to and as life as to what is best for all as life. Thus I commit myself to change my definition of time as merely direction of and as life, and I commit myself to teach myself to be HERE as Breath as one with Life. 

Relvant Blog: 

Cutting Edge of Time

None Are Free Until All are Free: http://basicincome.me/ and

http://equalmoney.org/

Self Mastery http://desteniiprocess.com/

Interviews https://eqafe.com/

Related articles

• An Epidemic of Chronic Boredom - Day 412
• Stop Procrastinating

Day 83 Exlporing Emotion via DIP Lite - Anger

Anger and being Overwhelmed 

Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation.

Step 2: Explore the word through writing an example of how you have lived this word within your life:

I have had all forms of anger in my life - Where I have blamed another for not living up to my expectations of them. Now though I am redefining anger to not one of "blame" to/towards someone or something, but where I am seeing/learning and understanding that anger as blame in the past has only put me in self pity mode, which is unproductive. Blaming someone or something does not change anything. It is about seeing the anger and then coming up with a practical solution for change.

My most promote experience of anger recently is the point I have been working on which is being overwhelmed where in I was getting angry at the "interpretation" that I had of "to much to do" and "not enough time." Within this I saw that I was blaming the things I had to do - and then within this I was angry at the things I had to do. Thus the anger was blame to/towards doing things!

I have mentioned before Anu's interview (1584-how-do-i-stop-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-189) where he says to notice stress - so this has helped as my stress was because of anger having to get things done. What I also noticed was the reason this overwhelmness and anger was not going away was because I was suppressing it. I did not really understand the difference between suppressing something and letting it go (SF,) by suppressing it I thought I was not following the thoughts, but what was really happening was that I had the thoughts anyway as backchat. For example – SCA (Self Corrective Application) - is then not allowing yourself to follow the thoughts or accept and allow the thoughts. What I was doing wrong with the SCA - is seeing the thoughts but in the secret mind I was blaming the thoughts for still being there! Thus I did not know how to forgive myself, or what that really meant. Finally it clicked – I said to myself – gee – I am not forgiving myself. Thus I saw for me, what was the subtle understanding of the difference between suppression (which I thought was not accepting and allowing the emotion) and real self forgiveness and SCA.

Join DIPLite and redefine your emotions to one of self support.

Related articles

• Feeling so far from Success in this world - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 327
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Day 77 Identifying Disappointment

Continuing with my experience of Anger Inverted to Disappointment

disappointment. (Photo credit: gogoloopie)

As shared in previous posts, when I saw what the consequences of this were: “That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.” I saw that OMG I am living as this! This triggered an investigation within me that lead to an awareness of how I have been living my life as Disappointment. The Disappointment character - actor.

When I saw this it was like a flash of my life where I could see for a moment tons of situations through out my life where I was disappointed. If I wanted to say put it on a circle chart it would be about 80% to 90% of my life I felt was a disappointment. Thus 10 to 20% if even that, I might have been satisfied for a movement with myself. But as I see now – these satisfied feelings are always fleeting, as one spirals back to the next moment to do something with the fear of possible disappointment.

I decided to look up the definition of disappointment to see what I could find.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disappointment

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself. It is a source of psychological stress. The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis, as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making. (Regret and disappointment are the two emotions that are most closely linked to decision making.)

When I read this, I could see further how living as a disappointment character has affected my life. The points within this for me were 

• Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest 
• It is a source of psychological stress
• Disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.  
• Individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it

 

Consequences

• Tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation

• There will be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live

• Energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically

These definitions along with the consequences above have helped me to see and identify when and if I am living as disappointment and then apply the tools of self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective statements and action.

Related articles

• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment
• When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment
• Disappointment as Anger "I am doing it Wrong"
• Disappointment turned into Procrastination.
• Observing Disappointment Backchat

Day 76 Disappointment as Anger "I am doing it Wrong"

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am walking a SRA2 mind construct – and every time I summit what I have and I get feed back to do more – find more, go deeper, my immediate reaction is anger that I am justifying as what I submitted is not seen as enough, not good enough, and then I go into self disappointment and frustration that I am not doing it right, it is not good enough, and I want to quit, I want to get it over with, and move on.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to every time I get feed back I want it to be okay, meaning when it sent it in - I felt I did my best and I wanted to move on, and then I react when it is suggested to do more, as I am seeing it as disappointment and then I start to get disappointed and do not want to continue. And then I become agitated within my being and start to become angry at everything I have to do. It sets off this whole chain reaction, where my chest gets tight from holding in the anger, (suppressed disappointment) and I start to limit my breathing, like hold my breath in anger. I get disappointed and angry at my buddy thinking/believing she does not understand me and feels I need to do it a certain way where in then I take it personally – like she doesn’t understand – she doesn’t see it my way. I think this comes from my reactions towards and with my mother – where I felt she never saw me as good enough. And therefore I go into an anger reaction when someone suggests to me do something different or more, as I take it personally as not being good enough. Geee…

No wonder I am avoiding doing these MC – the disappointment I feel is extreme. Like wanting approval and not getting it. And it is really ANGER – that I suppressed, not self honestly investigated. It had been what I always do – I mean what do you do with anger? Act on it? Hurt someone – or suppress it.
I think is what has been causing my chest congestion and coughing- continual suppression of anger and fear.

I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that I am holding this suppressed fear and anger of believing that I am not approved of and with in this I have been compromising myself and my body. 

When I am doing or starting to do my SRA assignment and I see resistance starting I breath and stop following the feeling of resistance and mind backchat of "this is hard" I dont want to do this" and I realize that I am doing this for ME. That this is an opportunity to get specific with my subconscious and unconscious mind patterns and see where I am still holding onto believes that I have been accepting and allowing. And when I get feed back and I react instead of going into disappointment, I now start to see it as what can I do, how can I cooperate within myself to get this done. And I realize my resistance is a MCS pattern of not wanting to go beyond my comfort zone and not wanting to do the work.     

I comment myself to not accepted and allow myself to give up on myself.

Note since I have been writing out these realizations within doing my SRA assignments I have been able to move through them without the extreme resistance I was having before.

I the next blog I will share insights as I go over the definition of Disappointment

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Desteni I Process Lite http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ 

Related articles

• Disappointment turned into Procrastination.
• How Anger Fuels Addictive Behavior
• Day 285: Anger Galore

Day:61Anger Demon Showing Its Head Pt2

Check Out Life Reviews On Eqafe

 With regards to my previous post, about "Backchat I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!"


What I am seeing also/now is that even though everyone told be what I should or should not do – is that I TOOK IT PERSONAL – and that is the problem. I took is as someone “against me” thus not for me, thus they are doing this to me…


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others were against me because they told me what I "should" do in there opinion and I thus took it personal, as a personal attack against me, and also a feeling/belief that in their eyes I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that because I took what people where saying personal that I compromised myself though and as anger towards others, myself and life.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize at that time that I was accepting and allowing myself to project anger towards others, myself and life because I did not like what people were saying, instead to know or understand how to be present and stable here in the moment as life and not live as an emotional being constantly bouncing around by peoples ideas and opinions.


Earlier self discussion:

I have to figure out a way to stop being jerked around by my emotions… LOL – Well I know the way; Self Honest and Self Forgiveness and then Self Corrective action. I think I still want a miracle, that one day it will be done and I will not have to “feel” like I am struggling anymore.


What I think is going on with me is that I have to start over…

I was trying to avoid this. LOL – really??? I wanted to think/believe because I have 4 years with Desteni that to start over would be… like a waste of time. But I am wasting time by not starting over and trying to do SF SH SCA from a point where I have been doing it all along. But I have not. I stopped consistent writing after two years when my life became unstable. I had to move a lot, find work, I started college. I went into a mind spin, and stopped writing consistently. And at one point I was so consumed with college that I stopped participation with Desteni all together for about 3 or 4 months – And that really set me back…

So fuck it – I will start over. Lol I have to because I need to get back to basics.

What does start over mean? I will start with writing to freedom, and basic SF. I am getting caught up in the advanced stuff and I am not ready for it because I have not really done it.
I was thinking my blogs should not be all about my struggles with keeping up with Desteni process – Thinking that I will scare off people who might read it.

Side thought -OMG – I am cutting down on sugar! – That is part of why I am angry – I am addicted to surgar – and I am not giving it to myself – thus anger.

What I am also seeing from the resent post about anger, me seeming to be at the mercy of doing what others want and or think you should do – is that… I thought I was suppose to be something special.. hm… not even sure what that is – so I will write out thoughts that come up.

Life is suppose to be for ME 

I am suppose to come here and have a playground so to speak – really I mean a place to express. And I feel like that has been suppressed. Even as a kid I thought this. And have always rebelled at limitations, at saying you are suppose to do this be that because… And the because to me were just opinions. Not making any real sense. I could understand, like don’t hurt something – because it hurts! And you would not want that to be done to you. But for everything else it sucked. Like why I could not be an airline stewardess because it is consider a glorified waitress! SO WHAT!!!

Thus I have suppressed anger at people wanting me to be what they think I should be.

Related articles

• Blaming Another For Causing ME to React - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 171
• The Battle of The MIN(e)D SF: An Artists Journey To Life: Day 139
• 148. Transcending Anger through Breathing - A Commitment.
• Fear of Anger Character - Self Corrections (Part 2) - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 157
• Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past
• Day 41 - Mother Want Me to Look Cute Pt3

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