|Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)|
I am walking a SRA2 mind construct – and every time I summit what I have and I get feed back to do more – find more, go deeper, my immediate reaction is anger that I am justifying as what I submitted is not seen as enough, not good enough, and then I go into self disappointment and frustration that I am not doing it right, it is not good enough, and I want to quit, I want to get it over with, and move on.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to every time I get feed back I want it to be okay, meaning when it sent it in - I felt I did my best and I wanted to move on, and then I react when it is suggested to do more, as I am seeing it as disappointment and then I start to get disappointed and do not want to continue. And then I become agitated within my being and start to become angry at everything I have to do. It sets off this whole chain reaction, where my chest gets tight from holding in the anger, (suppressed disappointment) and I start to limit my breathing, like hold my breath in anger. I get disappointed and angry at my buddy thinking/believing she does not understand me and feels I need to do it a certain way where in then I take it personally – like she doesn’t understand – she doesn’t see it my way. I think this comes from my reactions towards and with my mother – where I felt she never saw me as good enough. And therefore I go into an anger reaction when someone suggests to me do something different or more, as I take it personally as not being good enough. Geee…
No wonder I am avoiding doing these MC – the disappointment I feel is extreme. Like wanting approval and not getting it. And it is really ANGER – that I suppressed, not self honestly investigated. It had been what I always do – I mean what do you do with anger? Act on it? Hurt someone – or suppress it.
I think is what has been causing my chest congestion and coughing- continual suppression of anger and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that I am holding this suppressed fear and anger of believing that I am not approved of and with in this I have been compromising myself and my body.
When I am doing or starting to do my SRA assignment and I see resistance starting I breath and stop following the feeling of resistance and mind backchat of "this is hard" I dont want to do this" and I realize that I am doing this for ME. That this is an opportunity to get specific with my subconscious and unconscious mind patterns and see where I am still holding onto believes that I have been accepting and allowing. And when I get feed back and I react instead of going into disappointment, I now start to see it as what can I do, how can I cooperate within myself to get this done. And I realize my resistance is a MCS pattern of not wanting to go beyond my comfort zone and not wanting to do the work.
I comment myself to not accepted and allow myself to give up on myself.
Note since I have been writing out these realizations within doing my SRA assignments I have been able to move through them without the extreme resistance I was having before.
I the next blog I will share insights as I go over the definition of Disappointment
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