Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Day 73 My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment

To recap:
Lost to Apathy
Lost to Apathy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

>> If you're an Introvert, a Silent one, that do not REACT extensively - even in your Mind, but actually SUPPRESS the energies a lot faster, and so much so that there's not enough energy to accumulate into the MIND and or the personality systems - anger can become disappointment, it's more like an Inverted anger, the disappointment, Whereas with extroverts that really express reactions into the MIND and into the World - a lot more energy is Available in the Personality Systems, and so can accumulate reactions of anger into oneself and towards others a lot easier. <<

The point on this topic that really shook me up was this.

THE CONSEQUENCE of this is: That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.

As this is what has been exactly happening to me and I had no idea I was living my life as disappointment. And it has been building up to now at my age I am/(and correcting) living in apathy towards life and have been struggling with Depression. In fact it was becoming severe and I was concerned and worried about this as I did not understand it completely.

As I read the solution, this is an Excerpt -

walk regarding seeing where the apathy/heaviness/lack of motivation affected other areas of your life...

I started to see how I have been living almost every breath as disappointment!

This was huge for me to see this, I was in shock! It just opened up for me a whole new world! - By that I mean at my age, now I can see my life lived mostly as disappointment - that had turned into depression and that the only way I have been moving though it was with "energy " which gets "drained" Thus not seeing my apathy as suppression of continual disappointments though out my life. I was also continually judging myself as a procrastinator - thinking that was the problem and constantly using energy to push through which is exhausting.

RR – I was born disappointed – my first memory is around 3 yrs old when my mom told me to get out of the street and I did not want to – she said I might get hit by a car and I remember thinking – they wont hit me – they will see me and stop – So I became angry because I wanted to stay where I was, as I was exploring. I don’t think I acted in anger – but in my young mind at the time I remember being disappointed towards my mother, for being stupid in a way to make that comment, like why would she say that, doesn’t she know I will be okay? I know this might sounds silly to some, but I am exploring all areas that I can remember to understand why and what lead to my apathy with life. Suppressed emotions build up to mental and physicals problems.

I forgive myself that at age 3 that I had started to accept and allowing myself to live as disappointment towards my mother and adults in general. Any adult that told me what to do where in I did not think it was valid to living. I mean this can be seen as a spoiled brat – but interesting, at that age I was questioning life and what people believed about life and feeling things did not make sense.

>>What I am seeing is that I have been living my life as disappointment – instead of living as a solution…

I will continue with this, as I have been writing and seeing daily, areas in my life where I have accepted and allowed this point to directed me in my life that has caused the suppressed disappointment to build up and turned into depression.
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