Day 97 Not knowing where to start.

I have been not wanting to write – because when I think of others that will read this – it feels I will not be supportive to them. This doenst mean the Desteni group as they understand what it means to write to freedom. But others who might read it that do not as yet understand. So what does that mean for me – I fear prosecution by what other think. So see there I caught myself in a lie – I reason I say I think it wont be supportive is because what I really fear is prosecution as what others will think. And as I go down the rabbit hole with this – it is the fear of not being liked – and that fear leads to the fear of not being accepted. I am still dealing with these types of thoughts… I want to stop.

Not only this is the problem – what I have been doing is to think if I can work consistently and get my website business going – then I will have the time to devote to Desteni – the idea being – that the longer it takes to get the website to produce an income - the long it will be to have that income and my sources are running out. But what I am seeing today is that I have compromised myself by not blog writing at least every week… I am a compete mess – and it has not been supportive to me not to write. So I am deciding to day to make writing weekly a priority instead of my work – I was using the excuse of time – needed to make income fast – to the determent of writing which helps me stay in perspective.
Gee… writing is the time I have with MYSELF – I need that – or I get sucked into the matrix whorl wind. Unfortunately for me – I have been told this – to keep consistent with writing – but I am one who has to learn the “hard way” so to speak – I have to make my learning my own – meaning I do not trust hear say – I need to experience it myself to have a complete understanding within my being. But in away this is also a good thing, as we are told to question everything – which I have always done anyway.

But on the other hand – it is a shame that each one of us has to have first hand experience before we believe something. For example – the reason that we accepted and allow abuse to others, like allowing poverty to exist is because we have not experienced poverty for ourselves – so we do not see or care that it is a problem. We are so separated from each other – we see another human – and say “they” “them” – like they are not one of us….and thus there problems are not ours. Funny we do want others to help us when we think we need it – but we don’t see that we all – as a human race need to help each other…

And another thing I am seeing with my process is that I fear time – I fear not knowing how much time I should spend on each project that I need to do – I fear not getting it done – so I will cram and sometime work 18hrs straight to get something done – then I am burned out for a bit.
That’s it for then post- as I am seeing I can go on and on. So I will stop here for now. And try to make these into separate posts as I continue to rant my thoughts.


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Day 77 Identifying Disappointment

Continuing with my experience of Anger Inverted to Disappointment

disappointment. (Photo credit: gogoloopie)

As shared in previous posts, when I saw what the consequences of this were: “That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.” I saw that OMG I am living as this! This triggered an investigation within me that lead to an awareness of how I have been living my life as Disappointment. The Disappointment character - actor.

When I saw this it was like a flash of my life where I could see for a moment tons of situations through out my life where I was disappointed. If I wanted to say put it on a circle chart it would be about 80% to 90% of my life I felt was a disappointment. Thus 10 to 20% if even that, I might have been satisfied for a movement with myself. But as I see now – these satisfied feelings are always fleeting, as one spirals back to the next moment to do something with the fear of possible disappointment.

I decided to look up the definition of disappointment to see what I could find.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disappointment

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself. It is a source of psychological stress. The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis, as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making. (Regret and disappointment are the two emotions that are most closely linked to decision making.)

When I read this, I could see further how living as a disappointment character has affected my life. The points within this for me were 

• Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest 
• It is a source of psychological stress
• Disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.  
• Individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it

 

Consequences

• Tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation

• There will be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live

• Energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically

These definitions along with the consequences above have helped me to see and identify when and if I am living as disappointment and then apply the tools of self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective statements and action.

Related articles

• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment
• When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment
• Disappointment as Anger "I am doing it Wrong"
• Disappointment turned into Procrastination.
• Observing Disappointment Backchat

Day 75 Disappointment turned into Procrastination.

English: Procrastination Crossword (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I continue to investigate what and how I lived the past as a continuation of anger as suppression turned 
into disappointment for feeling and thinking like I was not supported along with many other things has manifested itself into my life at this time. This has led up to the point whe
re I have been almost completely unable to move without great effort to get things done. Within this I have been making myself sick with the constant backchat and fear of my own procrastination. And the fear that I know I am doing this and have not been able to stop.

Thus I am grateful that I found a name for this – that I can actually see the disappointment personality where as I had not seen it in this way before. What I am grateful for is because I just thought I had a sever problem with procrastination, and no matter what I did, it never went away – and then to the point of fearing it which of course makes it even worse.

Now I see that it is not really “procrastination” like a disorder. It is the idea and belief that I am and have lived life as disappointing – thus- duh – why would I want to do things, if life was disappointing? I see that I can correct this – that I can change my idea that life is disappointing instead to see these areas of what I have termed disappointment to living my life as a solution/ looking for a solution that would be best for the situation. I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been going into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

Disillusionment to Disappointment
I have been accepting and allowing myself to become disillusioned and disappointed that I can’t do anything –

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment, because I am disillusion by what is happening here as life as slavery and then go into energetic expression as depression.
OMG – I have to get OVER MYSELF!!

OMG Get over yourself Adele – lol! Quit going into feeling disappointed in yourself! And the world As Yourself – Quit being dis-appoint see definition

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disappointment

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.[1] It is a source of psychological stress.[2] The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis,[1][3] as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.[4]

I might be on to something here! Procrastination is really a form of fear of disappointment for me. In area’s like Blog and Dip and My business – things like dishes and things that need to be done – I can do – but like going to the dentist is a fear that I will be disappointed… wow

Related articles

• Observing Disappointment Backchat
• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment