Day 97 Not knowing where to start.

I have been not wanting to write – because when I think of others that will read this – it feels I will not be supportive to them. This doenst mean the Desteni group as they understand what it means to write to freedom. But others who might read it that do not as yet understand. So what does that mean for me – I fear prosecution by what other think. So see there I caught myself in a lie – I reason I say I think it wont be supportive is because what I really fear is prosecution as what others will think. And as I go down the rabbit hole with this – it is the fear of not being liked – and that fear leads to the fear of not being accepted. I am still dealing with these types of thoughts… I want to stop.

Not only this is the problem – what I have been doing is to think if I can work consistently and get my website business going – then I will have the time to devote to Desteni – the idea being – that the longer it takes to get the website to produce an income - the long it will be to have that income and my sources are running out. But what I am seeing today is that I have compromised myself by not blog writing at least every week… I am a compete mess – and it has not been supportive to me not to write. So I am deciding to day to make writing weekly a priority instead of my work – I was using the excuse of time – needed to make income fast – to the determent of writing which helps me stay in perspective.
Gee… writing is the time I have with MYSELF – I need that – or I get sucked into the matrix whorl wind. Unfortunately for me – I have been told this – to keep consistent with writing – but I am one who has to learn the “hard way” so to speak – I have to make my learning my own – meaning I do not trust hear say – I need to experience it myself to have a complete understanding within my being. But in away this is also a good thing, as we are told to question everything – which I have always done anyway.

But on the other hand – it is a shame that each one of us has to have first hand experience before we believe something. For example – the reason that we accepted and allow abuse to others, like allowing poverty to exist is because we have not experienced poverty for ourselves – so we do not see or care that it is a problem. We are so separated from each other – we see another human – and say “they” “them” – like they are not one of us….and thus there problems are not ours. Funny we do want others to help us when we think we need it – but we don’t see that we all – as a human race need to help each other…

And another thing I am seeing with my process is that I fear time – I fear not knowing how much time I should spend on each project that I need to do – I fear not getting it done – so I will cram and sometime work 18hrs straight to get something done – then I am burned out for a bit.
That’s it for then post- as I am seeing I can go on and on. So I will stop here for now. And try to make these into separate posts as I continue to rant my thoughts.


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Day 28:Continue SF Postponement Backchat

Continuing with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

On Postponement Backchat

There should be more to life than doing the same thing all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BE/LIVE in the idea that doing the same thing over and over is beneath me, that I was placing myself as a person who “should” be above repetitious work, thus as I am writing this I am seeing that I believed that I should be in Gods/ or some higher something favor, and thus this made me angry in the way that why is “God” doing this to me. I should be free from menial labor. Lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world in my mind of fantasy and hope of a better place in a future instead to be Here in the present with me and LIFE, thus indicating that I be/lived that have no say so or power in the reality I am creating/ thus believing I am a victim of my circumstances and living in HOPE that someone/something out there has the responsibility to change life.

Thus within this I forgive myself that I have not understood by holding onto this belief that I have been abdicating responsibly for life and that this is one of the programmed belief system that has been responsible for us never evolving out of greed, wars, and abuse because we have been WAITING for something/someone/God to make this changes for us, and seeing that if WE WANT TO CHANGE WE HAVE TO DO IT, otherwise there is no FREE WILL.

Self Corrective Statements (SCS) 

When and if I see myself going into frustration or resentment when having to do repetitious work, I stop and breath and realize that this does not diminish who I am/ that this was just away to want to feel superior in a believe I was inferior and realize repetitious work is part of life and as such does not diminish, but support life.

  

Life should be fun and not work – and

I want to do something I want to do now that feels good or fun for me

This statement is similar to “There should be more to life than doing the same thing all the time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me into a mind fuck of polarity of fun and not fun, labeling work as not  fun because it is something seen as “ I have to do it” thus feeling/believing that I am forced as a victim to work. Where in reality there is work I like to do. So to clarify – it is not work completely that I do not like. It is simply doing something that I rather not do at that time, because I want to do something else I had in mind – thus being totally directed by my emotions/feelings and thoughts that this would be more fun right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my total goal in life is to have fun – that is what “God” wanted – yet within this believe I have been living in self interest and not what is best for All – as I was only interested in my fun and not seeing or realizing that living in away that does not consider All of life – means you can not be Life As All as One as Equal. And as I am going through this process of learning Self direction instead of programmed ego/emotional direction, that I have more self worth and self love and interest for All than I ever had before.

SCS

When and if I go into backchat in my mind of “live should be fun – not work”, I stop – breath and realize that my idea of “fun” was programmed as self interest  and not supportive to Life as what is best for ALL, thus making me separate from what is actually HERE, and actually  ME and Living practically, thus I was not seeing/living true LIFE but living in a fantasy world within my mind.

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