Monday, December 23, 2013

Day 99 Suppression or Standing?

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Not following the mind – is not fun  

Not following the mind – is not fun – following the mind give energetic experience that we perceive to be life – this is the hardest thing for me to accept as the mind loves attention. And when I say “me” it is the mind me that I am accepting and allowing.

The biggest Con

I am seeing that the biggest con that I follow is to allow myself to become scattered and confused as to what is important on a to do list. And as I start doing things I then tend to get many ideas that can support what I am doing, then I go off tract into a different direction instead to stay with one thing. Then I become overwhelmed and discouraged. There are times when I feel disciplined and I push through – but then what happens is I perceive that as a struggle – like I am struggling to keep disciplined and that it should not be that way – that I need a break from pushing myself – I need to let the mind go and follow its curiosity – which now that I think about it –is the idea of being free…So I as the mind think I am free when I can do what ever I want and being disciplined is lack of freedom. These are the excuses I get when I am thinking.

 Being a human feels like such a burden lately. And then I fear that I am even thinking that – as I give it power – these thoughts – but then My biggest deal so to speak – is that I don’t know the difference yet between suppressing a thought and thinking that I am standing up to it – but in reality it is festering to be seen.

Am I stable or not?

It has been two days since I wrote the above- and I am seeing the importance of getting these thoughts and emotions out in writing – I am addressing them – taking a look at them and investigating them within me. I am starting to see the difference between – not looking at something which I would think of as standing up – meaning I will not follow those thoughts and suppressing the thoughts. It is difficult though – the belief that you are not accepting and allowing these thoughts – and suppressing the thoughts. The only way I can tell is if I am still energetically responding or acting out = not stable – but even then I can lie to myself about it. Meaning I can think I am stable but I am really not…

I  forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use and follow the mind as scattered - thus allowing myself to be come confused and then not directing myself at all - through the idea and belief of fear of not knowing what to do when. Thus I allow myself to become distracted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I need a reward for when I push through - but that reward is counter productive to what i have just done!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe life is a burden because I believe that I have so many choices that I accept and allow myself to become confused and overwhelmed at what is most important - thus using the excuse of fear of not doing "the right thing first."
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