Friday, December 20, 2013
So last night I had 3 hour emotional conversation with my roommate. It was emotional because it was about blame and honesty. I was hiding my true feelings about something – and my roommate knew it. I didn’t want to admit them because I felt bad even thinking about them. Like I should be above this... So I didn’t say anything, but my actions where showing different than I was saying. She stuck in there demanding I was not treating her right, where it turned into a heated and emotion discussion – and I was denying it.
So it finally did come out and I did admit that she was right. And I said thank you for sticking in there and not allowing my lies. She said she that it was just something she was feeling in her body, that there was something going on, and that every time I said it is not me I am not doing that - she would become more upset and more words came out, until finally I saw she was right. I felt disappointed in myself - that I fear to speak up. I have learned not to do that because at one time I use to tell the truth, but I got hurt for it. So I started to hold my thoughts to myself. And then secretly judged and blamed within my mind. I feel very uncomfortable to say what is on my mind with others, and I have to learn how to be honest in a way that can support all of us. I understand the fear makes one vulnerable to attack.
Solution:
I understand that it is not that I have to tell another everything I am thinking (as saying the truth). But I do need to see it when I am lying to myself and then to SF, and if needed to converses with another, find a way to do it with out blame and look for a solution to the situation.
3 hour emotional conversation
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| "Truth and Lies" Artwork by Andrew Gable 2013 |
So last night I had 3 hour emotional conversation with my roommate. It was emotional because it was about blame and honesty. I was hiding my true feelings about something – and my roommate knew it. I didn’t want to admit them because I felt bad even thinking about them. Like I should be above this... So I didn’t say anything, but my actions where showing different than I was saying. She stuck in there demanding I was not treating her right, where it turned into a heated and emotion discussion – and I was denying it.
Hiding my feelings
I will tell you want it was – I did not want her here as a roommate. And what I am seeing is this is because of past roommates. I don’t trust them and it has always been a problem more than a good experience to me. Mostly many of my roommates did not want to work, or had other ideas then working – And there preference was to party at the house. And many times I would come home to a house full of people who were drinking and doing drugs, and I would need my rest, so I could go to work the next day.Projecting my fears
So I was projecting my fears of being used for a place to live and expecting me to do things for others at my expense. There is more to it than I will go into at the moment. So anyway my roommate now could feel this, and she was feeling uncomforted to be here, saying I am paying rent but don’t feel welcomed. And there is the issue of it is a very small place, and I use the excuse of getting distracted because now there is a dog and another person who needs my attention and I then feel it is taking time away from the things I need to do. And also the point where I do not like confrontation, so therefore I avoid saying what I am truly experiencing in fear of confrontation.So it finally did come out and I did admit that she was right. And I said thank you for sticking in there and not allowing my lies. She said she that it was just something she was feeling in her body, that there was something going on, and that every time I said it is not me I am not doing that - she would become more upset and more words came out, until finally I saw she was right. I felt disappointed in myself - that I fear to speak up. I have learned not to do that because at one time I use to tell the truth, but I got hurt for it. So I started to hold my thoughts to myself. And then secretly judged and blamed within my mind. I feel very uncomfortable to say what is on my mind with others, and I have to learn how to be honest in a way that can support all of us. I understand the fear makes one vulnerable to attack.
Solution:
I understand that it is not that I have to tell another everything I am thinking (as saying the truth). But I do need to see it when I am lying to myself and then to SF, and if needed to converses with another, find a way to do it with out blame and look for a solution to the situation.
Equal Life Foundation
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Journey to Life Blog
- See more at:
http://christineannhansen.blogspot.com/2013/12/day-448-living-income-guaranteed.html#d=4&g=1&fl=0&gs=0&fs=0&su=0&r=0&p=0&s=1&rr=1Living Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation
Living Income Guaranteed
Journey to Life Blog
Equal Life Foundation
Living Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation
Living Income Guaranteed
Journey to Life Blog
- See more at:
http://christineannhansen.blogspot.com/2013/12/day-448-living-income-guaranteed.html#d=4&g=1&fl=0&gs=0&fs=0&su=0&r=0&p=0&s=1&rr=1Living Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation
Living Income Guaranteed
Journey to Life Blog
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