Day64: The Love That Got Away PT2

English: Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Relationship Success (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing  with Blog – The Love That Got Away.

As I was pondering my long time ago relationship, I got some insights. One is that I am still living that relationship as me now HERE. I saw another show of Deep Space Nine, where Benjamin was in the worm hole talking with the Profits. The Profits where trying to understand humans. Benjamin was trying to explain time to them. He was saying that we live in a place where things are linear. They follow after each other, and thus we can see past as time as we move to another moment.. And the Profits kept saying But You Are HERE. And what they were showing him was that he was living in his mind as a time loop of a year ago when his wife had died and he had failed to save her. Thus indicating that if you are linear – why are you Here – meaning living in the past moment with anger and fear of what had happened. Well long story short, he snapped out of it. He realizing that in his mind he was not living linear – but staying and living as the sorrow and anger and thus missing his moments of life as the present, not seeing others or life around him. 

For me I saw that when it came to a partnership interest, someone coming into my life as a potential partner – that I was/would live that moment where I thought I had failed a good relationship. And because of that, when I had an opportunity for a partner, all kinds of memory pictures come up of that time. I then feared getting involved again, fearing that I would fail. 

I also see that we do this for many things. Anything that we accepted and allowed to made an emotional charge imprint within our minds with a label as good. or bad – we carry with us, most of us our whole entire life – and we never do really live HERE. We live in the mind. And at Desteni and the Desteni I Process we are becoming self intimate - we study ourselves and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe, by understanding our emotions and feelings and how they can enslave us to live life in constant time loops and never really know how to live HERE as the Physical. 

So back to my relationship, I mentioned that I call her and we did talk. While I was waiting to see if she would call me back, I was thinking how we as humans all live in our own “personal reality”, meaning I wonder how she saw our relationship. I knew I had my version of it, what I believed happened. So I was hoping we could talk about it.

So what did we talk about? At first it was pleasantries, like how have you been, have you seen so and so, we talked about the people we knew together. Then she said – “So you had a dream about me?” lol – I am laughing now, because I was actually not going to initiate that conversation… If she did not – I probably would have not brought up our relationship – I was backing out, I got scared, I am a chicken! Then I would have regretted it, thank goodness she said something about it!

Next I will talk about what we talked about regarding our relationship

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Day:63 The Love That Got Away

How I allowed myself to be programmed to believe that the one that got away would ruin my life of ever experiencing a loving relationship, and my idea of the perfect relationship. 

(This is a continuation from previous blog - day 62)

As I investigate this long time ago relationship I see that I have labeled it “The One that got Away.” What I mean by this is that I had convinced myself that this relationship if I would not of fucked it up would be the ONE. The one person that I was suppose to be with for along time. I thought this because of our mutual connection that we had with each other. We were both attracted to each other with the same intensity. It was like a dream come true, a dream that I got from the “Movies.” I had not experience this before, it was either I was longing for someone and them not me – or the other way around. I had made romance movies my perception of life and what a romance and partnership should be like. Lol. Well not really funny, not so much then when I was feeling all the pain, shame, regret and longing for the one I lost. See I thought this was the perfect relationship according to some movie I saw. Where two people are so attracted to each other they could hardly stand it. And this intensified as we did not come together for over a year after the first connection – so this build up of wanting to be together (for play lol) lasted for almost a year! 

Well back to last week when I watched Deep Space Nine and it trigger this same old familiar longing I had to want to get back with my ex of so long ago. And that I still have dreams of this, of wanting to connecting and feeling regret and self pity that I will most likely never have this again. And how I regret fucking it up. I ended up calling her! I was scared, thinking wtf am I doing??? But I knew I would always wonder – so I just pushed through the fear and called. She was not there - I left a message – then she called back and left a message, then I called again and she was there. I must say, I am so glad I called. I had some questions about why we broke up, we were really able to talk and she was very accommodating to talk about something that happened so long ago. I mean she has a whole new life now – a husband and a 14yr old daughter. I was grateful; because I saw some points I was not aware of back then. I will get into those later as it will be part of my idea and beliefs about relationships, and my fear to ever have another one – though I have – they could not live up that one. And the point of not wanting to get hurt again would make me not even see another person really. Though even back then with my ex – I did not see her. Only my fantasy of what I thought a relationship should be. 

To be continued…

What did I find out with the phone call?
What did I find out about the same old feeling I had after I dreamed of her again and talked to her again?
Who and what I was within my personal partner relationships

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• Day:62 I Am Too Spiritual to Face This

Day:62 I Am Too Spiritual to Face This

Rant and Rave:
Last night I dreamed of an ex… wow – In the dream it is about me searching for her – finding her and then she won’t let me in. Or now she is letting me in – but we don’t stay long together as she always has to go. And I don’t want her to go – I want us to be together – I feel like I made a mistake when we were together – and I want the chance to get back with her. I feel she is the only person where I got to experience that we both loved EACH OTHER. She loved me! And I loved her- I think! …

Suppressed relationship stuff coming up – from watching Deep Space Nine – It reminds me I am still single – and have never had a good relationship. I miss Lynne for some reason…why
I am feeling sad our relationship did not work out.

I saw today from our weekly online chats that I have not even started to deal with relationships. I have worked through brother and mother stuff – But not “love” relationships. To be honest – these have been very painful for me – and to avoid this – is avoiding who and what I have been existing as. My relationships are who I am! This part of my life has been such a mess in my mind, that I thought just to forget about it and it will go away and I will change “magically” by suppressing it. Thinking because I will no longer probably ever have another “partnership, love” relationship in my life – that means I over came it! What a LIE I am seeing now. If this is the most painful part of my life – I better look at it: my beliefs, and ideas that caused me this pain.
I was watching Deep Space Nine and this episode was about some of the crew’s personal relationship love interests. I then that night had a dream about who I believe was the one and only closest relationship that I ever had. To me I feel this way because I believed we BOTH loved each other. Usually my relationships were either I was infatuated (I called that “love”) with the person and they were not back, or they were and I was not. So this one is the one I always seem to dream about. The dreams are similar in that I want to reconnect with this person and something happens that we don’t. It is usually her avoiding me, having other things to do, and not the time right now.

In our relationship that we had – we broke up after 2yrs and I was devastated. I am still devastated after close to 30yrs! I have never been with another for that long of a time – where we were considered a couple. I have been crying most the day about this – which usually happens after I have this type of dream about her. I become sad, I feel I messed up with our relationship and I wish we could try again. Thus in my dream where I look for her, find her, but we can not connect beyond pleasantries and I wake up sad that she does not return the desire to maybe give us another chance.
I would not have gone into this deeper – I would again mostly likely have distracted myself from this dream after awhile which is what I always do – had it not been for our Desteni chat today about relationships and the dream I had the night before. HELLO ADELE! Time to Deal with it!

I forgive myself that I thought and believed that dealing with this relationship and all others that I have had was not necessary because I have spiritualized IT. Meaning that I made myself believe that I was ABOVE RELASIONSHIPS – they are not part of being a spiritual person.
Backchat- It is silly to worry, think about the past – I am moving on now – having a relationship is just a program to enslave us, so ignore it - You are better than wanting to have a relationship (spiritualization).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid myself through and as suppression because I thought and wanted to believe that I am a spiritual person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I con-vinced myself that I was spiritual that I did not have to face myself as who I have been and believe that my past emotions and feeling would be automatically erased. Not seeing or not WANTING TO SEE that this will take years of work to understand and stop this program and re-program who I have been life time after life time. Within this avoidance – it just keeps growing, or I could say it just keep staying HERE as me, because I chose not to look at – making myself believe that if I did not look at it, it would just go away. Well – IT DOSENT.

To Be Continued
MFM Art: Am I an Enlightened Ornamental Lamp? http://bit.ly/Ss7036
by Matti Destonian Freeman

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