For example: When she would be concerned about how I looked. I had coarse frizzy hair and it was very hard to manage. I use to iron it in high school so it would be straight. I had great concerns how my hair would look - I would hear in my mind my mother saying "Are you going to do something with your hair?."
How I heard it in my mind was one of... hmm...say urgency. It seem to me that it was urgent to her that I do something with my hair. lol - Like I hope you are not going to go out like that - what will people think of you if they see your hair that way.
Thus within this I became very self conscious about how my hair looked. As I think of it now - this was very stressful for young kid - You wake up in the morning and your first thought is -omg - my hair -I have to "fix' it!!! And I must say this was not an easy task- to get it to go right. I had to create an image in my mind of what "cute" will look like. I would imagine people that had cute hair and try to make it look like that. I suppose I got the idea of what cute was through Television and magazines. They would tell you what was in style - how to do it - so you would be considered, cool, cute.
So how did I start to define who I was within this?
I felt my hair was not good enough
I felt that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.
I was always self conscious about my hair - meaning sometimes I could get it right, but not for long as it would frizz up in damp weather.
I feared damp weather because it would mess up my hair - and all the work it took to fix it.
Most of all I felt that something was wrong with me.(This comes from other experiences as well)
I also believed my mother did not like me because the tone of her voice (Not understanding at that time - that she was also conditioned to think like that and as a result I took it as she did not like me because her tone of voice was not gentle, but it felt like she was accusing me of something)
Thus I may have even associated my name, Adele, to not being good enough. (...interesting we are working on Names and tonal pronunciations within them and how we have subconscious and unconsiousnes reactions when we hear our name say within specific tones.)
I mean I can not blame all these experiences because of my- it was TV and magazines that shaped how we thought about things. I came to understand later in my life that all this was commercialism- social mind manipulation to sell us things - keep us thinking we could be more and have more, thus essentially telling us we could be better if we dressed this way or bought these things.
To follow I will do Self Forgiveness on these thoughts
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