Monday, October 29, 2012

Day:47 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality

I am going to write about points when I get depressed as I see this is a big part of me. Now that I think about it, it runs in our family and I just took it for granted. If I think about it I was living as a mild to moderate bipolar personality. I would be happy and proud of myself for something, and then soon after I would be depressed about something. Interesting...

So I will start with this week:
Note: I highlighted text in Bold as I saw these as specific points to look at.
Sunday, October 28, 2012

Lots going on this week: I am still having resistance to write for the blog. Thing is so many “ideas” and thoughts are going through my head on what to write, not only for personal blogs, but I have to write for college courses as well. And I sometimes just get tired of sitting at the computer all day doing my commitments which takes a computer to accomplish…I have written about this before – I just have to push myself.

What is going on this week: I burned my hand, and the day before that I spilled about a cup of bleach on the cushion where I sit. I have Molly whom I am taking care of for a few weeks, but she is pretty good! It is just a bit cramped in my trailer, as she is a big dog, especially when it rains

Burned hand = feeling burned out – which I was – thus not being present in the moment – but feeling frustrated and sorry for myself that I am having problems with my website – the fulfillment factor is not there within the project.

The day before I spilled the bleach – I was feeling burned out that day too – Bleach was to me the worst thing I could spill in my small trailer, because it would ruin my rugs and cushion. --- Ah! The worst thing I could of spilled = the worst thing that can happen to me right now is for all my work towards an online business not to work…

Also this week - This is what is going on!! Again
Today I am depressed I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to do my Website – So I am depressed because I want it to make money and it won’t unless I work on it, but thus far, as refereed to writings below this, all the work I have done so far is not creating any results via paid advertising .

I forgive myself that I am depressed… I forgive myself that I forget that I get depressed when I do a lot of work on a project and then things don’t turn out how I had wanted them to and then I get lethargic – it is like I have to recover, I really don’t know how not to do this except write it all out so I think I will do a “mind construct" on this point.

I feel trapped about having to make money – I want something Independent like an income producing online website – thus I depressed because I want it to make money and it wont unless I work on it. I mean here that I have been working on it a lot – I just have to keep going every day with it. I just sometimes get discouraged.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated when things seem not to be working out with my website business. And within that I forgive myself l have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not want to move and I want to quit. I know by now though that these thoughts of discouragement and wanting to quit are temporary. My recovery time is way less than when I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in self pity. Where as now I write about it so I can see these thoughts and apply self forgiveness.
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