Day:47 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality

I am going to write about points when I get depressed as I see this is a big part of me. Now that I think about it, it runs in our family and I just took it for granted. If I think about it I was living as a mild to moderate bipolar personality. I would be happy and proud of myself for something, and then soon after I would be depressed about something. Interesting...

So I will start with this week:
Note: I highlighted text in Bold as I saw these as specific points to look at.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Lots going on this week: I am still having resistance to write for the blog. Thing is so many “ideas” and thoughts are going through my head on what to write, not only for personal blogs, but I have to write for college courses as well. And I sometimes just get tired of sitting at the computer all day doing my commitments which takes a computer to accomplish…I have written about this before – I just have to push myself.

What is going on this week: I burned my hand, and the day before that I spilled about a cup of bleach on the cushion where I sit. I have Molly whom I am taking care of for a few weeks, but she is pretty good! It is just a bit cramped in my trailer, as she is a big dog, especially when it rains

Burned hand = feeling burned out – which I was – thus not being present in the moment – but feeling frustrated and sorry for myself that I am having problems with my website – the fulfillment factor is not there within the project.

The day before I spilled the bleach – I was feeling burned out that day too – Bleach was to me the worst thing I could spill in my small trailer, because it would ruin my rugs and cushion. --- Ah! The worst thing I could of spilled = the worst thing that can happen to me right now is for all my work towards an online business not to work…

Also this week - This is what is going on!! Again
Today I am depressed I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to do my Website – So I am depressed because I want it to make money and it won’t unless I work on it, but thus far, as refereed to writings below this, all the work I have done so far is not creating any results via paid advertising .

I forgive myself that I am depressed… I forgive myself that I forget that I get depressed when I do a lot of work on a project and then things don’t turn out how I had wanted them to and then I get lethargic – it is like I have to recover, I really don’t know how not to do this except write it all out so I think I will do a “mind construct" on this point.

I feel trapped about having to make money – I want something Independent like an income producing online website – thus I depressed because I want it to make money and it wont unless I work on it. I mean here that I have been working on it a lot – I just have to keep going every day with it. I just sometimes get discouraged.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated when things seem not to be working out with my website business. And within that I forgive myself l have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not want to move and I want to quit. I know by now though that these thoughts of discouragement and wanting to quit are temporary. My recovery time is way less than when I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in self pity. Where as now I write about it so I can see these thoughts and apply self forgiveness.

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Day 2:Fear of Where Will the Money Come From

Photo is from Desteni Artist on Facebook.

I woke up today in a good mood then I remembered that I have to get it together for school work. I went into mind back chat about "If I don't get this done I will not have money.. then what will I do? I am going on 59yrs now and what will I be able to do for money. Our whole life is motivated by money to survive.
I realized that whining about in my mind is just taking me away from the moment and into fear. I actually like to work, but when your work is dependent on what another thinks - meaning they decide if it is okay enough for you to get "money" of course fear comes.

These post are about seeing our mind and back chat and how we abuse ourselfs and others with our thoughts. And applying the Desteni Principles of Self Forgiveness and self corrective statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present HERE and to worry about doing school work and will it be good enough to pass my course.

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world that we have created.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a world that only cares about money and not a world that support life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like to work because I have accepted and allowed myself to equal work with money.

I also realize that having money at this time is the only way one can survive in this world and to make a change in this world. Thus I remember that with money I can support myself to support those who are dedicated to making a change that will allow life to Lived in equality and not have and have nots. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money and have made it separate from me as a point of stress and survival

When and if I see myself going into the mind back chat with fear of money, I stop in that moment and Breath, I stable myself HERE as Breath and realize that this fear is not useful as it only puts me in a place of self pity and worry thus I am not fulfilling my potential as Life.