Day:62 I Am Too Spiritual to Face This

Rant and Rave:
Last night I dreamed of an ex… wow – In the dream it is about me searching for her – finding her and then she won’t let me in. Or now she is letting me in – but we don’t stay long together as she always has to go. And I don’t want her to go – I want us to be together – I feel like I made a mistake when we were together – and I want the chance to get back with her. I feel she is the only person where I got to experience that we both loved EACH OTHER. She loved me! And I loved her- I think! …

Suppressed relationship stuff coming up – from watching Deep Space Nine – It reminds me I am still single – and have never had a good relationship. I miss Lynne for some reason…why
I am feeling sad our relationship did not work out.

I saw today from our weekly online chats that I have not even started to deal with relationships. I have worked through brother and mother stuff – But not “love” relationships. To be honest – these have been very painful for me – and to avoid this – is avoiding who and what I have been existing as. My relationships are who I am! This part of my life has been such a mess in my mind, that I thought just to forget about it and it will go away and I will change “magically” by suppressing it. Thinking because I will no longer probably ever have another “partnership, love” relationship in my life – that means I over came it! What a LIE I am seeing now. If this is the most painful part of my life – I better look at it: my beliefs, and ideas that caused me this pain.
I was watching Deep Space Nine and this episode was about some of the crew’s personal relationship love interests. I then that night had a dream about who I believe was the one and only closest relationship that I ever had. To me I feel this way because I believed we BOTH loved each other. Usually my relationships were either I was infatuated (I called that “love”) with the person and they were not back, or they were and I was not. So this one is the one I always seem to dream about. The dreams are similar in that I want to reconnect with this person and something happens that we don’t. It is usually her avoiding me, having other things to do, and not the time right now.

In our relationship that we had – we broke up after 2yrs and I was devastated. I am still devastated after close to 30yrs! I have never been with another for that long of a time – where we were considered a couple. I have been crying most the day about this – which usually happens after I have this type of dream about her. I become sad, I feel I messed up with our relationship and I wish we could try again. Thus in my dream where I look for her, find her, but we can not connect beyond pleasantries and I wake up sad that she does not return the desire to maybe give us another chance.
I would not have gone into this deeper – I would again mostly likely have distracted myself from this dream after awhile which is what I always do – had it not been for our Desteni chat today about relationships and the dream I had the night before. HELLO ADELE! Time to Deal with it!

I forgive myself that I thought and believed that dealing with this relationship and all others that I have had was not necessary because I have spiritualized IT. Meaning that I made myself believe that I was ABOVE RELASIONSHIPS – they are not part of being a spiritual person.
Backchat- It is silly to worry, think about the past – I am moving on now – having a relationship is just a program to enslave us, so ignore it - You are better than wanting to have a relationship (spiritualization).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid myself through and as suppression because I thought and wanted to believe that I am a spiritual person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I con-vinced myself that I was spiritual that I did not have to face myself as who I have been and believe that my past emotions and feeling would be automatically erased. Not seeing or not WANTING TO SEE that this will take years of work to understand and stop this program and re-program who I have been life time after life time. Within this avoidance – it just keeps growing, or I could say it just keep staying HERE as me, because I chose not to look at – making myself believe that if I did not look at it, it would just go away. Well – IT DOSENT.

To Be Continued
MFM Art: Am I an Enlightened Ornamental Lamp? http://bit.ly/Ss7036
by Matti Destonian Freeman

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Day:61Anger Demon Showing Its Head Pt2

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 With regards to my previous post, about "Backchat I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!"


What I am seeing also/now is that even though everyone told be what I should or should not do – is that I TOOK IT PERSONAL – and that is the problem. I took is as someone “against me” thus not for me, thus they are doing this to me…


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others were against me because they told me what I "should" do in there opinion and I thus took it personal, as a personal attack against me, and also a feeling/belief that in their eyes I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that because I took what people where saying personal that I compromised myself though and as anger towards others, myself and life.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize at that time that I was accepting and allowing myself to project anger towards others, myself and life because I did not like what people were saying, instead to know or understand how to be present and stable here in the moment as life and not live as an emotional being constantly bouncing around by peoples ideas and opinions.


Earlier self discussion:

I have to figure out a way to stop being jerked around by my emotions… LOL – Well I know the way; Self Honest and Self Forgiveness and then Self Corrective action. I think I still want a miracle, that one day it will be done and I will not have to “feel” like I am struggling anymore.


What I think is going on with me is that I have to start over…

I was trying to avoid this. LOL – really??? I wanted to think/believe because I have 4 years with Desteni that to start over would be… like a waste of time. But I am wasting time by not starting over and trying to do SF SH SCA from a point where I have been doing it all along. But I have not. I stopped consistent writing after two years when my life became unstable. I had to move a lot, find work, I started college. I went into a mind spin, and stopped writing consistently. And at one point I was so consumed with college that I stopped participation with Desteni all together for about 3 or 4 months – And that really set me back…

So fuck it – I will start over. Lol I have to because I need to get back to basics.

What does start over mean? I will start with writing to freedom, and basic SF. I am getting caught up in the advanced stuff and I am not ready for it because I have not really done it.
I was thinking my blogs should not be all about my struggles with keeping up with Desteni process – Thinking that I will scare off people who might read it.

Side thought -OMG – I am cutting down on sugar! – That is part of why I am angry – I am addicted to surgar – and I am not giving it to myself – thus anger.

What I am also seeing from the resent post about anger, me seeming to be at the mercy of doing what others want and or think you should do – is that… I thought I was suppose to be something special.. hm… not even sure what that is – so I will write out thoughts that come up.

Life is suppose to be for ME 

I am suppose to come here and have a playground so to speak – really I mean a place to express. And I feel like that has been suppressed. Even as a kid I thought this. And have always rebelled at limitations, at saying you are suppose to do this be that because… And the because to me were just opinions. Not making any real sense. I could understand, like don’t hurt something – because it hurts! And you would not want that to be done to you. But for everything else it sucked. Like why I could not be an airline stewardess because it is consider a glorified waitress! SO WHAT!!!

Thus I have suppressed anger at people wanting me to be what they think I should be.

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Day:60 Anger Demon Showing Its head

I am feeling great resistance to doing anything today…   
I forgive myself that I am having resistance to doing school- dip and blog today
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to wake up and feel like the things I should be doing feels like drudgery today.
I forgive myself that I am being battered around by the polarity of feeling good when I do something and feeling bad when I do something – thus not feel fulfillment when it feels like drudgery to do something.. I need the energetic high feeling to get things done; - I need to “Like” to do it.
I forgive myself that I fear that unless I feel good – have the high want to feeling to do something it actually feels painful to do things – I mean to push myself feels like it sucks and is not natural to life…
I forgive myself that I even get angry when I have to do something or should do something and I don’t feel like it – I get very angry within myself – like I am being tortured.
Today I feel demonized angry! Lol – but now I am crying to release this pent up frustration and anger that I feel like I am a slave to consciousness – A slave to “have too’s” Instead to be me – what ever that is – I don’t know…

I feel so overwhelmed by school- the paper I have to write and needing to make money with websites…
I feel trapped in guilt like I have never before felt! Like if I don’t do this – then I don’t care about life… wow that’s big, that is a big guilt…

Anger at doing SRA – What is my resistance…

Backchat
I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!

I forgive myself that I don’t think I should post this
I forgive myself that I think I should be posting better things than this
I forgive myself that I think I am not helping others by what I am blogging
I forgive myself that I believe that I have too much responsibility to be responsible for the world and thus this creates fear in me in what and how I am doing things.
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing fear to run/control my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to become angry – I see this is happening because I am allowing myself to become overwhelmed instead of directing myself – I go into searching for things online and then I become distracted with what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to get involved with things that seem cool at the time and then I get so many emails from all these different things that I don’t even remember why I got involved with them. And then I use that to distract me and then I use that to become angry and blame life/others are doing it to me when it is me who allows myself to follow these carrots from online searching thinking and believing that they are cool. But what I am really doing is looking for entertainment to appease the mind as a way of avoidance instead to push through resistance.
I forgive myself that the need to feel good and balance that with feeling bad is what is getting me to find things online I think are cool and then thus I become overwhelmed with all the emails.

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Day:59 The Business of Business

FreSh: Online Business Outlook 2011 (Photo credit: Chandra Marsono)

I am noticing patterns that are coming up in relation to me wanting to start my own business so I can take care of my financial needs. One of my dreams has been to have my own business, so I would not have to work for others and I would be able to have creative license. Meaning I can call the shots, I can peruse my own ideas and implantations. I would not feel like a robot, just taking commands from another for there own agenda. Though when I do work for others – I work as it is my own business - meaning I do what I can to support the business doing well. But many times I am in a working environment where the owners were... well – not even seeing what it is they need to do to make the business and employees function to what is best which can lead to frustration.

Anyway – back to my own issues with starting my own business at the moment.
I did have 2 business of my own before that did well – I made a living. So I know I can do it. But I wanted one where I can be freer. Thus I am learning the ropes with online business. As it is going now – I can saw wow! There is a lot to this – and I don’t know if I will be any freer or not! Lol. I can choose my own hours though – where the other 2 business I had to stick to a schedule.

What I am dealing with refers back to my other posts where I can see myself starting to get depressed because things are not working out how I wanted at the moment. (Note I did start many other business where I did not follow through and quit – thus I think I have guilt and self resentment about this, meaning judging myself that I did all that work to learn it – but then I did not follow through after the first attempt. These types of business were sales orientated. I would really be excited about the possibility of how much money I could make. I would go to all the meetings – learn all the techniques – get all the materials needed – then go out to make a sale- I did not like rejection – and I did not like to push – sell the item. I just wanted them to buy if they liked it. I was not what they call a “closer.” So now my goal is to have a product or products that people are already looking for – so I don’t have to sell them – they already want them.
But now within this type of business – You have to find the traffic – the people who are looking for it. So this is what I am learning to do – because there will be competition with this – so you have to know how to get around that.
MY ROOF IS LEAKING!! GTG for now!

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Day:58 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality Pt2

Self Corrective Statements and Self Forgiveness 
In Reference to Part 1

When and if I start to get frustrated and in fear that I am doing all this work and I am not getting the desired results. (Note: I saw that the fear part is because the work that I am doing is so I can have an income from an online businesses, and if it does not work out – I don’t know how or what I am going to do to then get an income so I can survive on this planet.) I stop, take a pause and realize that this fear and frustration is coming from the fear of not making money to survive and the fear of time – I won’t make money in time to pay bills to survive. So I stop these fear thoughts as I see and realize that they do not support me in that I then accepted and allow myself to become possessed by my thoughts and not take or continue physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into fear of not being able to make money when projects I am working on do not produce the desired results that I want and or expecting. And then within this I go into self pity and depression with the thoughts of “I want to quit.”

Then: I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to follow an energetic high feeling of ecstasy when things to work out to the point of becoming proud of myself and thinking I am wonderful, but within this, all I am doing is saying that it is good when things work out and bad when they don’t, thus I am then judging myself as a downer/depression when things don’t work out. I am judging myself as “bad” when thing don’t work – thus I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing the feeling of an energetic high with polarity thoughts of “you did good” “you are awesome” to define who I am as good verses who I am as bad when things don’t work out.

Thus I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of not making money when things don’t work out as an excuse to think/believe that I am bad and then thus go into self pity and depression instead of seeing and realizing that I am in a polarity swing of judging myself and what I am doing as good or bad instead to be present HERE without thinking and defining myself by the polarity thoughts.

When and if I see myself going into and energetic high or energetic low I stop and realize that these thoughts are not who I am and do not define who I am as good or bad. I breath and continue with my activities in and as the physical - because that is the only thing that is real.

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Day:47 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality

I am going to write about points when I get depressed as I see this is a big part of me. Now that I think about it, it runs in our family and I just took it for granted. If I think about it I was living as a mild to moderate bipolar personality. I would be happy and proud of myself for something, and then soon after I would be depressed about something. Interesting...

So I will start with this week:
Note: I highlighted text in Bold as I saw these as specific points to look at.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Lots going on this week: I am still having resistance to write for the blog. Thing is so many “ideas” and thoughts are going through my head on what to write, not only for personal blogs, but I have to write for college courses as well. And I sometimes just get tired of sitting at the computer all day doing my commitments which takes a computer to accomplish…I have written about this before – I just have to push myself.

What is going on this week: I burned my hand, and the day before that I spilled about a cup of bleach on the cushion where I sit. I have Molly whom I am taking care of for a few weeks, but she is pretty good! It is just a bit cramped in my trailer, as she is a big dog, especially when it rains

Burned hand = feeling burned out – which I was – thus not being present in the moment – but feeling frustrated and sorry for myself that I am having problems with my website – the fulfillment factor is not there within the project.

The day before I spilled the bleach – I was feeling burned out that day too – Bleach was to me the worst thing I could spill in my small trailer, because it would ruin my rugs and cushion. --- Ah! The worst thing I could of spilled = the worst thing that can happen to me right now is for all my work towards an online business not to work…

Also this week - This is what is going on!! Again
Today I am depressed I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to do my Website – So I am depressed because I want it to make money and it won’t unless I work on it, but thus far, as refereed to writings below this, all the work I have done so far is not creating any results via paid advertising .

I forgive myself that I am depressed… I forgive myself that I forget that I get depressed when I do a lot of work on a project and then things don’t turn out how I had wanted them to and then I get lethargic – it is like I have to recover, I really don’t know how not to do this except write it all out so I think I will do a “mind construct" on this point.

I feel trapped about having to make money – I want something Independent like an income producing online website – thus I depressed because I want it to make money and it wont unless I work on it. I mean here that I have been working on it a lot – I just have to keep going every day with it. I just sometimes get discouraged.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated when things seem not to be working out with my website business. And within that I forgive myself l have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not want to move and I want to quit. I know by now though that these thoughts of discouragement and wanting to quit are temporary. My recovery time is way less than when I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in self pity. Where as now I write about it so I can see these thoughts and apply self forgiveness.

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