Friday, April 27, 2012

Day 11: Fear of being Judged

I am seeing this pattern of having a good day - I feel good, I have the energy to get things done and be productive- then the next day I am full of resistance- I do not want to do anything but chill out- and then I go into guilt because of that. This has been going on for awhile now. The hardest part about it is the guilt on the day I have resistance and I do stop and just chill.
I have this belief that life should be about being - not doing, though in the being you are doing but you are doing within the moment, not doing because of have too. Like have to do things to make money.

I have resistance to writing daily because I dont know what to write anymore.  I have written about 3,000 posts on the Desteni forums in the past, 2,000 of them were Writing to Freedom and Self Forgiveness.
This keeps going on in my head of why I do not want to write on this new blog. I have forgiven myself on many points that came up in those 3yrs. Now it is about daily dealing with all of those forgiveness points by being aware of my thoughts and checking polarity points and stopping them.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to engage in thoughts of frustration about doing things I do not want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the feelings of guilt to overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life by guilt- that I learned this from a young age. Guilt being taught by parents and elders. Guilt being taught that if you dont do what I want you to do - then something is wrong with you. You wont be liked if you do not do what others want from you.
hmm wow - I have been living a life fueled by guilt to please others so I will be liked. So much, so that I dont even know who I am.
Interesting - really if you do not relate to others some how you will really be alone. Yet I can not relate to others anymore like I use to unless they are interested in what is best for all. And even within that I am alone. I live alone and do process alone. I stopped going onto Desteni forums because I now have to focus on making some kind of income that will support me for these later years of my life. I am going onto 60yrs. And I want my own online business.  I have worked hard all my life - starting at age 13 to make money to get the things I needed. I do not want to keep waitressing. Any way,  with going to college  full time and working part time,  my days are full of have to dos. Not to mention, I take care of all the things pertaining to my house hold.
Leaky roofs, trailer maintenance, and chicken coop duties.  
Interesting - I am afraid Desteni wont like me any more because I can not participate as much as I did.
wow - okay I admitted it. This is my fear, that I will be judged for not participating.
This has always been my fear with any group or persons - being judged.

2 points to look at
Fear of being Judged ( hm noticed how I capitalized the J)
Doing things out of guilt - for  fear of being judged .
Do SF on this

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