Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day 5: Hospice For My Dad

My brother and I had a meeting with Hospice for my Dad today. He is in a nursing home and has pretty much stopped eating. He is coherent but is becoming very quiet. He is 90yrs old. Have so much to say about it that I don't know what to say! 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not knowing what to say or where to begin. The truth is I dont have the time to write everything I am thinking and feeling at this time.
I am also not feeling very well. I have cold or flu symptoms.
I wonder about resistance. Meaning I am not sure at times what is resistance and what is just a time to rest?
When I want to stop should I because it is time to rest or am I being lazy? Hmm. I usually am always pushing myself to get things done, and I allow myself time in the evening to relax a bit before going to bed.

Back to the topic. Is is sad to watch my dad die. Because he looks sad. I think he is genuinely  pissed that he can not move like he use too and has nothing to live for anymore. He mentioned once about 3 or 4 months ago about dieing. I say it was okay to die. I think he wanted to know how I would feel if he died.
We got a little pamphlet about dealing with loved ones who are dieing, it says no one wants to die even if they say they do. So Dad will be gone from our lives soon.
How do I feel about that? I feel okay that he will be gone - the hard part is I think he doesn't want to go and is scared. So the hard part is watching him deal with his own death. I want him to die!

Why am I laughing? Who dies happy? I dont know. He had a pretty good life. He worked hard but did pretty much what he wanted. He had food, a car, shelter a wife and girlfriend most of his life. In fact he started going down hill when he and his girlfriend were getting to old to do anything. His sex life was very important to him.
He didn't drink or drug, he just like working and sex. He had a better life than many of the starving and homeless that are half of our population. How do they die? I would think that if I was in there shoes with all the suffering that we as humanity has caused because we do not look out for others in suffering countries that I would want to die. I mean how much suffering goes on when there is nothing to eat?
Yet no one wants to die.
I will get back to this -

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