Day 119 Procrastion 2 Doing it out of Fear

Scared child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing from the previous Post:
 So then I have seen that I have been doing all of Desteni stuff out of fear!! Fear I won’t make it – fear I am not doing the right thing. Fear that I wont be liked if I do not do it – to the point that I think – I just should stop with Desteni because I fear not to stop, meaning I am not really doing it for myself – but out of fear of not doing the right thing- Which is what I internally battle with all the time.

I fear that there is someone or something that will judge me if I don’t do the right thing. And that is crazy within myself because there are SO MANY OPINIONS about what is right and what is wrong. I then become frozen within myself as what to do.

I think this is why I really liked and got into drinking a lot most my life time was because I was afraid to make a decision – and when drinking I just did not care about making a right or wrong decision. When drinking I was not hard on myself. I did go into emotional self pity when love interests did not work out how I wanted them to – but I did not judge myself like I do now. I even accepted my self pity. When drinking I did not care much what other thought, unless I wanted something from them.

All this is backchat that in my heart and soul I believe is not valid – and I really do trust Desteni in what is being taught to birth Life into the physical. I want to do it for Me – For Life – not because I am afraid I wont make it – that is a crappy starting point and one that is compromising me.

What is also compromising me within procrastination – is that there is no Freedom in it anyway! In fact it cause more stress and guilt within myself and there is no freedom within worrying about waiting till last minute to get things done. The biggest thing coming up again when I have the thought of doing it sooner than later – Is I will then go into guilt because now I have more time to get more “should does” done!! Gee And then I heard just now within backchat – you will get more confused as to what to do next and think you should be doing more – feeling like it will be never ending. How is that for mind fucking you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. . There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom.

Related articles

• The Difference Between Caring and Fearing - Day 371
• How fear can control your life (Part three) - Day 484

Day 13: SF - Fear of Being Judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked or approved by others thus causing me to do things to get approval from others, therefor I have been living my life for what others my think of me, instead to live a life that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this personality program and to allow it to direct me how I lived and functioned in the world.

From: >> Creations Journey to Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life in self interest instead of living a Life as what is best for all. I now dedicated my life to deleting self interest as the ego. I dedicate my life to dieing as an ego personality through self honesty and self forgiveness and rebirthing myself free of self interest/ego. Within this Life can be born where abuse stops as we consider each other and what is best for All.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that as much as free choice is the reason for my imprisonment, it is also the key to unlock the prison and set me and everyone free, as we are all free to make the choice that is best for all life in every way, and then with this freedom gained I will be able to show to all others still imprisoned to Earth, how to set themselves free and why it is in everyone’s best interest to choose the best version of self as that which is the original life that was given and then lost to the mind and the system of ego. Failure to help everyone else unlock their prisons will lead to me being imprisoned by those not yet free, as they will continue participating in a world-system that is feeding the prison of the mind. <<


I forgive myself  that because I have lived as the fear of judgment from others I have not stood up for myself and what is best for all of life, but just lived for approval and being liked by others as I believed that was a noble cause! lol gee.

I am ashamed to admit this but I remember having a fantasy of when I died I would have many, many people at the funeral. And what that meant to me was that many people liked me! I actually believed this was the ultimate goal for me. Within this I would do things for people to make them like me. This could be because my family moved often when I was young - so I was always the new girl in school - thus to make friends fast - I would do things that I thought they would like - there for  liking me.
What ever the reason does not really matter- we are programed to live the life we have at birth - because we have accepted and allowed this crap and thought it was who we were. 

Thus by using the tools of being self honest to see the shit that we do as our personality and then writing self forgiveness we can start to take our power back from the ego and actually direct ourselfs as Life that is best for ALL.  


I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being liked by others was the highest goal for me.


When and if I see that I am living life with the starting point of wanted to be liked - I stop and forgive myself for having that starting point, and I will do this until I no longer live as that.

Day 11: Fear of being Judged

I am seeing this pattern of having a good day - I feel good, I have the energy to get things done and be productive- then the next day I am full of resistance- I do not want to do anything but chill out- and then I go into guilt because of that. This has been going on for awhile now. The hardest part about it is the guilt on the day I have resistance and I do stop and just chill.
I have this belief that life should be about being - not doing, though in the being you are doing but you are doing within the moment, not doing because of have too. Like have to do things to make money.

I have resistance to writing daily because I dont know what to write anymore.  I have written about 3,000 posts on the Desteni forums in the past, 2,000 of them were Writing to Freedom and Self Forgiveness.
This keeps going on in my head of why I do not want to write on this new blog. I have forgiven myself on many points that came up in those 3yrs. Now it is about daily dealing with all of those forgiveness points by being aware of my thoughts and checking polarity points and stopping them.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to engage in thoughts of frustration about doing things I do not want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the feelings of guilt to overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life by guilt- that I learned this from a young age. Guilt being taught by parents and elders. Guilt being taught that if you dont do what I want you to do - then something is wrong with you. You wont be liked if you do not do what others want from you.
hmm wow - I have been living a life fueled by guilt to please others so I will be liked. So much, so that I dont even know who I am.
Interesting - really if you do not relate to others some how you will really be alone. Yet I can not relate to others anymore like I use to unless they are interested in what is best for all. And even within that I am alone. I live alone and do process alone. I stopped going onto Desteni forums because I now have to focus on making some kind of income that will support me for these later years of my life. I am going onto 60yrs. And I want my own online business.  I have worked hard all my life - starting at age 13 to make money to get the things I needed. I do not want to keep waitressing. Any way,  with going to college  full time and working part time,  my days are full of have to dos. Not to mention, I take care of all the things pertaining to my house hold.
Leaky roofs, trailer maintenance, and chicken coop duties.  
Interesting - I am afraid Desteni wont like me any more because I can not participate as much as I did.
wow - okay I admitted it. This is my fear, that I will be judged for not participating.
This has always been my fear with any group or persons - being judged.

2 points to look at
Fear of being Judged ( hm noticed how I capitalized the J)
Doing things out of guilt - for  fear of being judged .
Do SF on this