Chasing energetic highs is life
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind backchat that tells me I do not want to move. That I do not want to do what needs to be done to follow my plan.
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind backchat to come up with tons of bullshit excuses to not move and they make no sense except like a rebellion just to have one - just… I cannot even validate an excuse because I have followed them all before and they lead to just circles of mind shit that have nothing to do with Life.
The backchat is I want to do something “fun” not what I “have” to do. Yet I cannot even think what would be fun - so it is like a temper tantrum feeling. Fun can be in any moment. Anyway it is just this feeling like no- I just don’t want too. lol!
So I see - it is a mental temper tantrum that has got nothing to do with anything except just to have it. Like some sort of control through being stubborn.
I forgive myself that I am addicted to waiting for energy to move me thinking that…. hm I did not know what to write here - I could not see the point of resistance. Later that day I read the group chats from the day before and I saw this;
From chat: Response to persons question: I'd say what you're experiencing is more in relation to in a way 'knowing' that there is more to self/life than what one is walking at the moment - though don't manipulate yourself with this point in creating a depression, rather use it as a motivation for self - so, same application applies, stop the backchat in your relationship to your job.
I thought ahh --This is what I am doing.
The resistance is coming from frustration of wanting to move on - I get frustrated with what I think is repetition of a chore or action. I feel - okay I have done that - I want to move on - I want more different experiences. Thus this is the energy addiction I have. I am labeling different experiences as movement because they cause energy “high”.
Thank you Andrew for posting your question
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase “there is more to life than doing this same thing over and over” as an excuse to stop movement by going into self-pity and depression.
Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into depression where I can not move because I believe that doing something repetitious, where I get bored is beneath me, that it is not life and I should be doing something “greater”. But what I am really wanting is the energetic highs from new distractions and all this is going on in my mind, as I am Not Here but somewhere else in fantasy.
Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing the idea that there is more to life than what I am doing now to stop me from Life as an pattern of frustration and self pity where within this I can not move - I do not move because of the emotional pattern of believing that life should be more cause me to feel less than what is here because I want to be more than what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that chasing energetic highs is life and thus when I do repetitious things I feel less than life because there is no more “energetic high” feeling.