Thursday, July 12, 2012

Day 25: Fear to Be WRONG

I Want to Be Right Character:

This is coming up in so many ways I do not know where to even begin.

I can start with an example that just unfolded. I was blaming my brother for 9 years for not supporting me when I found a house that I thought I could afford monthly payments on. I wanted him to co-sign a loan for me. Instead he said he could buy it outright and move in. We were going to share ownership – him getting his full money back if sold and any expenses he put into the houses, and I was to pay for all the bills, like insurance electric phone. And then if sold we would split what was left. Long story short, he now has the house and I have never forgiven him for it.
I did 2 days of investigating this within myself when I was confronted that I have not let go of the house and I think I am entitled to what my brother has, and that I am lying about what went on and may other accusations. I am glad I was confronted with this because I saw yes – I still have issues about the house. I have been pretending to MYSELF that I had let it go – but others were seeing the truth – that I hadn’t and for some reason I did not want to admit it. When I found the reason, and it is, I have been angry and jealous that my brother had the money to buy the house, and angry that he did not see it to support me to get a house of my own – and I have been holding onto this for 9 years!!! Geee…

What I came to see within me was that – I wanted to let it go – but I had an emotional memory attached to it that I was suppressing/not wanting to admit. It was not that I wanted what my brother has, but it is I felt that he should of or should have wanted to support me in getting a house of my own because he could. Now that I look at it –why should he? He does not owe me that.
Bottom line is I wanted a house that I could own – and I am pissed that it did not happen, and I was blaming him.
So the part about being right – I did not want to admit that my brother did not own me anything, and I wanted to be right in that I thought he took advantage of me. I was being the victim of not being supported by him. And within that I have been carrying resentment, spite and blame towards him.
 The memory that kept playing in my head and kept getting triggered was thinking he owed me the support because I was the one who spent 5 months to find a home. This was my excuse to be angry; I found the house and it was supposes to be mine and I wanted him to see that – that I was believing I had lost something I thought was suppose to be mine – thus “wanting to be right”. What I am angry at myself for is I did not want to own a house with him but I allowed myself to be talked into it and I was not truthful about how I felt. I am seeing now it would have been better to be honest and not take the house then to go into it with resentment to start with! So I have been using him to blame for MY CHOICES. How could he have known what I was feeling if I did not have the courage to tell him.

I forgive myself that I have not seen that I have been accepting and allowing myself for all these years to be angry at Rob for not supporting me to get a house of my own

I forgive myself that I have been finding ways to not see this clearly and making up all kinds of other excuse to blame him, when all said and done it is I was really angry at him for not supporting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see this until now and thus I have been harboring anger and blame towards Rob for not supporting me to have a house of my own.

I forgive myself that I have been holding onto this blame and anger for all this time, thus within that I have caused stress for myself and others.

 I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to live in a memory feeling picture of a past experience that I have not seen  or understood until now that has been affecting me and those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been
 deceiving myself into thinking a person owes me something, and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm through deceitfulness disguised as wanting to being right thus hiding from myself that I was a accepting and allowing myself to be a victim, and with in that using the excuse of blame, anger and spite towards another for how I was feeling.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was hanging onto the idea/belief that I was right so that I could hold onto this anger and blame toward another so I can be right, instead to take responsibly to see my own feelings and emotions and understand that all emotions and feelings are within myself and not caused my another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation, and within this I have allowed unresolved issues to fester as blame, judgment, gossip and backchat within myself instead to face what is really going on within me out of fear of the reactions from another.

I have fear of confrontations because I have been unresourceful in conveying my feelings as I see now it is because I did not know or understand how to talk to someone that has a different idea than me as I would see it as they are wrong and I am right attitude and hold this within myself and it would most always let to heated arguments and even sometime physical anger.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know or understand that started at a young age that I thought/believed one had to be right or wrong within different ideas, thus causing defensiveness within expressing feelings and that I have had this so ingrained within myself that I now see that my fear of confrontation is really that I believed someone had to be right and someone had to be wrong. Thus MY STARTING POINT is one of confrontation.
 I always believed I was going to get attacked for saying what I was feeling or thinking – but now I see why – My starting point was to confront – to; con-be the one in front. Meaning I had to be the one right. Because if I was not “right” that meant I was WRONG!
Thus the desire, defensiveness, manipulations, deceitfulness to avoid the truth is all so one does not have to be WRONG. It is like the fear to be wrong had made the dangerous opposite worse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being wrong is bad and within this I have lived and breathed the desire to be right so much that I have not even seen that it is my reason to be and live because I had a fear of punishment I thought/believed I would receive if I was wrong. Wow – I thought/believed I will be punished if I am wrong. Okay now this is going into a different direction

Why is it so hard to see when you are wrong – Why do we fear being wrong – Why do we fight to be right?
Because we fear being punished if we are wrong!   
Why do I want to be liked? Because I fear I did something wrong if not liked and if not liked I can be punished
So fear of being punished? What does punished mean to me?

Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person, animal, organization or entity in response to behavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity.The authority may be either a group or a single person, and punishment may be carried out formally under a system of law or informally in other kinds of social settings such as within a family

So Punishment means response to behavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity  So I have been believing that if I am wrong – it is deemed unacceptable.

I saw a show the other day, and two people were discussing things that were going on.
One person said something about a subject and the other one said, that is not what happened it happened this way. And the first person said, “Oh I stand corrected.”
This really stuck with me, because I though how cool they can “stand corrected” without a fuss or argument about who is right or who is wrong.   

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