Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Day 29: Possessed By Drudgery

I have been having a terrible bout with Resistance to do Anything!
I have been Possessed with this! It was very frightening and mentally painful.
I had NO “inspiration to want to do anything – every thing I did was pushed as I was mentally kicking and screaming in my mind about it. I kept wanting to sleep because I was mentally exhausting myself with constant backchat. It would not stop – all I could do was push through and keep moving. Today “feels” better, and that means I am inspired…
But what is this idea of being inspired that I have manifested into my life and body to do things. Inspired to me meant – I want to do it. I have the energy to do it because my mind agrees lol.
Thing is I do this often – The polarity swings of what seems to be inspiration and then feeling like dead weight. When I feel the inspiration – I feel mentally and physically supported to do things. But it is like… I have no control over this feeling – I have to “wait” for it- it just comes after awhile, after the mental battle.
So Inspiration = my mind agrees – Thing is there is no Reason for this, meaning I - my beings wants to do things and enjoy it – But out of know where it seems comes the battle with my mind… there has got to be trigger points here for me – that cause this.

It is like I have to trick the mind into believing that I want to do these things – I have to make it fun somehow, or worthy or validated that I am enjoying doing…Very interesting.   
So I have to telling my mind I am enjoying doing things so what I am doing is not painful. BUT – I just woke up today with inspiration…hmmm… I can’t recall yet what I told myself or even if I did tell myself something to change the drudgery character.
 I really miss having fun – or my mind thinking I am having fun – it felt like I was dieing to Life when I felt everything was drudgery.

Definition of DRUDGERY

 Tedious, menial, or unpleasant work - : dull, irksome, and fatiguing work: uninspiring or menial labor.

So as I write this and investigate my thinking, what I saw is I am retraining my thinking to “Hey – I want to do this”. I don’t really have a story, like this is good for you, or you will be a better person for doing this – It is just – HEY Mind I want to do this. Lol

I think it was because I had an idea in my mind ideas about work, play, rest, and how it should be. We have been deconstructing the postponement character on weekly Desteni chats as a group. So what I think happened is that I was exposing my backchat, and thus it became greater at first.
I have to admit that to finally wake up and embrace the day after what seemed like a long time to instead dread it felt good – felt like I could breathe.

We will see how it goes. I will watch for triggers that put me a drudgery spin.
One I just saw was, when there comes up obstacles to what I am doing. I saw myself tighten up physically – physical resistance to the thought “there is a problem”, ah I was seeing the obstacle as a problem and thus immediately had resistance to continue because “thing” stopped flowing.
So what does stop flowing mean to me? It means what I was doing has a kink – the flow stops the mind gets upset and then I think this is drudgery/frustrating. BUT what I am seeing is the mind gets pissed because when I flow with inspiration I FEEL HIGH – and the KINK STOPS THE HIGH!  SHIT – that is it.
So what to watch out for is the KINKs in the flow as the trigger point to go into drudgery.
Thank you Adele – grateful to see this
I will continue with SF/SCS

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