Day 105 Don’t Tell Me What to Do

As I work on my Boss Woes Mind Constructs with the Desteni I Process – I have been re-seeing that I do

"CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself"

already knew to do it. Thus my self importance as pride felt like it was being attacked. As I look back on my life I see that my pride was very important to me. It is really another layer of wanting to be liked. I also would not want people to do something for me that I could do – I wanted to show them that I could do it. Thus building up myself as pride.
Interesting I am a double Leo – The pride of the lion! Lol – It was important to me that others saw me as worthy. This is really cool to see how I was so attached to my pride. Where in it would cause many times a lot of “emotional” unnecessary suffering for me, though out my life, I did not see it as suffering so to speak – I just saw it as “that is the way it is.”

I have a memory of when I was around 13yrs old. I was outside in my back yard putting up a tent. The neighbor boy came over and wanted to help me. I said “No – I can do!” And I would not let him help. My mother was watching this through the window. After the neighbor boy left she called me into the house and said “Why didn’t you let him help? He was just wanting to hang out with you and play.” I was in a bit of a shock when she said that. What was going on in my mind was that I like him and I wanted him to like me so I wanted to show him how cool I was because I could put up the tent! I remember doing this to him many times. Like wanted to better than him, so he would think I was cool and like me. The thing is I was pushing him away! Lol! I would be so wrapped up in proving myself that I did not take into consideration the other person at all. Interesting enough, somehow I did get a lot of friends. But I see now, it was because I was always doing things for them, so they would think I was cool. I wanted the attention and to build up self esteem as pride.

So the suffering so to speak would be for example how I reacted to my boss when she told me what to do, which is in the previous post. I became angry with backchat thoughts like she does not see me as worthy, doesn’t she see how good I am, I became judgmental and resentful towards her, I blamed her for not being different towards me. Things are better now that I have seen this and understand that suffering only comes because we believe in our self importance to where we can see nothing else. I can now see her as she is just doing her job, just making sure things get done, where I do not take how she is or what she does personally. I just say okay. And that is that. Its over, I do not go home anymore with resentment. This is also affecting my other relationship – where I would take things said or done personally if they do not agree with me or see it my way. They have there own way to see things, where I do not have to take offence about it anymore. Drop the pride and be free!  Next post I will share some self forgiveness on this point.

Related Posts Boss Woes Continued - Boss Woes

I have been doing the Art of Self Investigation for 6 years now. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery

Related articles

• day 491: seeking a reWard in everything is War, is Capitalism.
• The Inner Tug of War of Positive and Negative Experiences: DAY 250
• Interdependence of Temper Tantrums and Self-Containment: DAY 255

Day 104 Practical Perception and Interfering – Inner Fear

English: Aristotle's idea of perception (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had another shock from my friend –whom is sorta living with me. I agreed to watch Molly (her dog) while she was gone for 3 weeks, just to note I did receive payment for this, and Molly is really sweet). I talked to her the other day and she said she was staying another month.

My reaction at first was anger. I had a flood of backchat come rushing in.
Like I don’t want to watch Molly for another month. I was looking forward to have a break. She should have told me that it was going to be for a whole month longer. Then I went into the idea believe that I feel like I am being used. Pride issue’s came up, or maybe better to say self interest issues came up. One being that I am not being respected for what I want. That I do not want to have a dog to worry after. I already did that with my cat and other animals for 18yrs. It was amazing really as this flood of idea’s about who I “wanted’ to be came up. In Desteni we call these our made up personalities. I got to see how ridged I was. Meaning I had idea’s about how I wanted to live my life. I had what you can say as conditions to how I should and wanted to live.

So I started to then investigate these ideas I had. For example:
I “should” not have to be having the responsibility for a pet. I already did this.
Then I looked at my life – like – I looked into the future from the now. What am I doing with my life anyway? I had decided that I have enough chores and commitments going on to where I became ridged in that belief. And thus became resentful at my friend for not seeing this. Lol – But how can she know if I am not honest and do not tell her?
I mean I could of said no - but I felt guilty to say that. So I investigated that.
Do I really want to say no? Yes and no! I did want to say no, because I felt that I was being intruded upon, as a principle of pride. When I dropped the pride principle, I asked myself again, do I want to watch Molly for another month. And what came up was yes – I want to support my friend to do what she needs to do. I would want that for myself. To have someone who can help if I was in her situation.

So why do I call this practical perception. Because I can only perceive the outside world from within myself- meaning my world is made up of my beliefs. Did I want to perceive from the separate I – ego which was involving the idea that I need pride and what ever that meant to me, or did I want to perceive from another point of view. I realized that watching Molly for longer and helping my friend would not hurt me and that really it was not taking anything away from me. Which I had a perception in my mind of made up ideas/beliefs that this is interfering with my life!
Really how can anything interfere with life? Life is Life – it is only our ideas about it that would cause something we would call interfering - Inner –fear.
So I have made up these inner fears as believe and ideas of how and who I thought I wanted to be.
What a cool realization – real I seeing - for me - As it set me free from my limited perceptions.

Related articles

• Self-Deception/Illusions
• Perception and Reality: Perceiving 3

Day 83 Exlporing Emotion via DIP Lite - Anger

Anger and being Overwhelmed 

Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation.

Step 2: Explore the word through writing an example of how you have lived this word within your life:

I have had all forms of anger in my life - Where I have blamed another for not living up to my expectations of them. Now though I am redefining anger to not one of "blame" to/towards someone or something, but where I am seeing/learning and understanding that anger as blame in the past has only put me in self pity mode, which is unproductive. Blaming someone or something does not change anything. It is about seeing the anger and then coming up with a practical solution for change.

My most promote experience of anger recently is the point I have been working on which is being overwhelmed where in I was getting angry at the "interpretation" that I had of "to much to do" and "not enough time." Within this I saw that I was blaming the things I had to do - and then within this I was angry at the things I had to do. Thus the anger was blame to/towards doing things!

I have mentioned before Anu's interview (1584-how-do-i-stop-feeling-this-way-reptilians-part-189) where he says to notice stress - so this has helped as my stress was because of anger having to get things done. What I also noticed was the reason this overwhelmness and anger was not going away was because I was suppressing it. I did not really understand the difference between suppressing something and letting it go (SF,) by suppressing it I thought I was not following the thoughts, but what was really happening was that I had the thoughts anyway as backchat. For example – SCA (Self Corrective Application) - is then not allowing yourself to follow the thoughts or accept and allow the thoughts. What I was doing wrong with the SCA - is seeing the thoughts but in the secret mind I was blaming the thoughts for still being there! Thus I did not know how to forgive myself, or what that really meant. Finally it clicked – I said to myself – gee – I am not forgiving myself. Thus I saw for me, what was the subtle understanding of the difference between suppression (which I thought was not accepting and allowing the emotion) and real self forgiveness and SCA.

Join DIPLite and redefine your emotions to one of self support.

Related articles

• Feeling so far from Success in this world - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 327
• Anger Causes You Stress

Day 76 Disappointment as Anger "I am doing it Wrong"

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am walking a SRA2 mind construct – and every time I summit what I have and I get feed back to do more – find more, go deeper, my immediate reaction is anger that I am justifying as what I submitted is not seen as enough, not good enough, and then I go into self disappointment and frustration that I am not doing it right, it is not good enough, and I want to quit, I want to get it over with, and move on.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to every time I get feed back I want it to be okay, meaning when it sent it in - I felt I did my best and I wanted to move on, and then I react when it is suggested to do more, as I am seeing it as disappointment and then I start to get disappointed and do not want to continue. And then I become agitated within my being and start to become angry at everything I have to do. It sets off this whole chain reaction, where my chest gets tight from holding in the anger, (suppressed disappointment) and I start to limit my breathing, like hold my breath in anger. I get disappointed and angry at my buddy thinking/believing she does not understand me and feels I need to do it a certain way where in then I take it personally – like she doesn’t understand – she doesn’t see it my way. I think this comes from my reactions towards and with my mother – where I felt she never saw me as good enough. And therefore I go into an anger reaction when someone suggests to me do something different or more, as I take it personally as not being good enough. Geee…

No wonder I am avoiding doing these MC – the disappointment I feel is extreme. Like wanting approval and not getting it. And it is really ANGER – that I suppressed, not self honestly investigated. It had been what I always do – I mean what do you do with anger? Act on it? Hurt someone – or suppress it.
I think is what has been causing my chest congestion and coughing- continual suppression of anger and fear.

I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that I am holding this suppressed fear and anger of believing that I am not approved of and with in this I have been compromising myself and my body. 

When I am doing or starting to do my SRA assignment and I see resistance starting I breath and stop following the feeling of resistance and mind backchat of "this is hard" I dont want to do this" and I realize that I am doing this for ME. That this is an opportunity to get specific with my subconscious and unconscious mind patterns and see where I am still holding onto believes that I have been accepting and allowing. And when I get feed back and I react instead of going into disappointment, I now start to see it as what can I do, how can I cooperate within myself to get this done. And I realize my resistance is a MCS pattern of not wanting to go beyond my comfort zone and not wanting to do the work.     

I comment myself to not accepted and allow myself to give up on myself.

Note since I have been writing out these realizations within doing my SRA assignments I have been able to move through them without the extreme resistance I was having before.

I the next blog I will share insights as I go over the definition of Disappointment

Visit Desteni I Process http://desteniiprocess.com/
Desteni I Process Lite http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ 

Related articles

• Disappointment turned into Procrastination.
• How Anger Fuels Addictive Behavior
• Day 285: Anger Galore

Day 74 Observing Disappointment Backchat

Deutsch: Phrenologie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw the other day how I became disappointed that the dog next door is out – and now I cannot let Molly out because they fight.


I saw that my first reaction within my mind as backchat was – disappointment. Now things are not going well – oh boy something else to worry about. And within this I felt heavy as in wanting to give up on life as another burden to bare. What I saw within this is how:


I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to when I saw that the dog next door was outside and Molly got upset that I went into disappointment as suppressed anger that now I have to do something different as in not letting Molly out to run free, which I accepted and allowed within my mind to be a nuisances, instead to just see the situation for what it is and to stably make a change that would be best.


I have been seeing that All my breaths were one of disappointment - my whole life - I am now starting to be able to trace this personality that I developed within many of my actions and believes as they come up.


Note: this topic has opened a whole new can of worms or should I say snakes! I edited and posted the chat from today on LF and added some insights I had for myself. I have usually pushed through postponement as energy movement - which I am seeing lately is/was not really dealing with the problem.



My daily thing recently is postponement to work on my start up business. I have been having extreme resistance daily/hourly with this, to the point of panic and fear of failing and the fear that I am having this fear. 
What I saw within the topic of our chat “When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment” is that I am resisting because of past acceptance and allowance of disappointment with business ventures within my life, and also not being supported by my parents in these ventures. 
Mom would say “honey – why don’t you just get a job that pays good benefits.” In other words how I saw it was that she was “disappointed” that I wanted to start a business of my own, and thought it better I just work for someone. So as I get into starting a venture or project and soon afterwards I would start go into fear as disappointed from past experiences. 

Note: Since I have seen this point about living as disappointment- about 2 weeks now, like I have said, I  can see it in my backchat, to the point that now I have been able to direct better.  Just today a kitchen cabinet door broke off its hinges and before when I was not aware of the accumulating disappointment thoughts/backchat I would of went into a mind possession of "Oh No, now this! Gee, now I have to get it fix, there is something else I have to do, my trailer is falling apart, poor me...etc. But as I started to go there I could see - Ah Disappointment character. And I just stopped those thoughts. And I remember I no longer want to accept and allow myself to live life as disappointment. It was almost like - oh cool - this will be easy to fix. :-) LOL

Related articles

• Day 310: The Children of the Law of One (Part Three)
• When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment
• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment
• Day 316: Sensitive Souls - How to Face Success
• Day 92: Anger: What's the Solution?

Day 72 When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment

This is take from a group chat with Sunette Spies



The Disappointment that one will experience in instances where others would React in Anger, where one would become 'disappointed', instead of angry, is because:

This determines one's relationship to Self with regards to being an INTROVERT or an EXTROVERT and this tendency/personality actually also affect your relationship to Energy, meaning:
If you're an Introvert, a Silent one, that do not REACT extensively - even in your Mind, but actually SUPPRESS the energies a lot faster, and so much so that there's not enough energy to accumulate into the MIND and or the personality systems - anger can become disappointment, it's more like an Inverted anger, the disappointment, Whereas with extroverts that really express reactions into the MIND and into the World - a lot more energy is Available in the Personality Systems, and so can accumulate reactions of anger into oneself and towards others a lot easier
SO - this specific explanation is ONLY in the Dimension of when you become disappointed; when others would usually react in anger

Question > interesting Sunette, I was thinking that maybe the disappointment would come once the anger energy was used up/ exerted by other means, like disappointment being 'the remains'. Answer >that is so - but, some really don't become extensively angry, as throughout their lives, they suppress extreme reactions/energies immediately into the physical body; so most of the energy-physical relationships gets seated/stored into the body and less express into the conscious/subconscious mind.

Q >Sunette so anger is equal to disappointment? A> no - it is similar, but two opposites - with Anger, you accumulate and exert Externally, with Disappointment instead of Anger,, you invert the reactions more into yourself/towards yourself and express a 'calmness' but you're not REALLY calm, lol - all of the energy is stored into the Body.

THE CONSEQUENCE of this is: That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.

Q> could you explain the difference then, of disappointment and shame? A> we can attend to that in chats to come - difference between Shame and disappointment.
Q> is this depression? A> it can eventually accumulate to Depression – yes

So, another difference between Anger exerted and anger as disappointment inverted is: that - with the anger, you go into an adrenaline RUSH in the mind and the body, this usually cause lots of tension on the heart and physical body and then anger inverted as disappointment create an apathy/heaviness, so obviously NEITHER is the solution.
So, How to Deal with Anger and Disappointment as inverted anger:

Q> so is it suggested to explode in anger Sunette? A> No, the Solution for the Disappointment as Anger does NOT MEAN TO EXPLODE...
Q> Are there any specific consequences Sunette of the apathy/heaviness? A> can lead to depression and just not motivating yourself in your Life.

Q>Sunette would it be better to direct it as self forgiveness and breath rather than just drive myself to get over it? A> always Self forgiveness/writing on Points as a platform to start self corrective application, 'just moving' would create a resistance cause you don't know all the dimensions involved with what you're facing

Q> what about those that get angry but do not express it, though it's not a form of disappointment, is that relevant here or is that another construct? A> they do express it - into their Minds, doing it in the Mind/in Reality - the same.

Solution: When the anger is an automatic reaction that just unexpectedly takes over, big problem, cause then you're in a possession already - so, have to REALLY walk your writing/self forgiveness on the anger issues, reflecting on the past, observing the physical/mind signs of when/as a anger possession comes, either in your head or in reality and start practicing stopping that demon before it takes you over.

Q> ok, i see so, if you express the anger in to the mind or in reality is the same, and those that go into disappointment do not express it to themselves either A> yes - there you're looking at two Personality Systems - and how you deal with things, you have one personality system for the outside world, and then another for the inside world and so you can be simultaneously introverted and extroverted.

For disappointment as anger: Here, the Introverts are actually quite fortunate lol, cause you don't have an EXTENSIVE possession in relation to the immediate moment of going into disappointment, so here - you forgive/walk through the REACTION and practice remain stable and not reacting in disappointment, BUT you have an ADDITIONAL process to walk regarding seeing where the apathy/heaviness/lack of motivation affected other areas of your life and have to PUSH through the suppressions in the body that created those reactions and start motivating yourself more.

Q> can the disappointment be like a giving up, a self pity, like a not worth even being angry that comes after the initial anger - or is that still being aware of being angry, and thus is still being angry? A>Yes, there you quantify a moment from anger to disappointment/suppression.

Q> would the unconscious points of anger towards parents with energy charge manifest in moments where irritation or annoyance occur, where it is slight, but frequent. Just trying to see how to investigate the point, besides looking at my experience in the dream, or would that be a place to start? A> Yes - exactly, those little moments, actually come from memories still charged in the body/the unconscious.

Q> I always considered those who have instant anger experiences as "fortunate" because they can let it out - rather than carrying the heaviness around with them for days on end. A> no letting it out is even MORE consequential, cause they don't in fact let it out, what happens when you explode in anger/live it out, is that the mind will store/layer the energy into the body and systemize the anger MORE and eventually accumulate an entity/system out of the anger, so the more you energize/live it, the more you’re actually creating a system for the Mind.

Q> where and how do those suppressions manifest in the body Sunette? A> n the entire Body - all of it, it layers

Q> I don't understand Sunette - are you saying that both is more consequential? A> yes - letting it out / living it out, definitely consequential.

Q> what happens when someone goes over the boarder and one gets really angry and all of this inverted anger comes out in that instance, when i was younger that happened a lot, now it is gone? A> if it's not happening anymore cool - but, still - work through anger points diligently/specifically not let anger accumulate in the Mind

Q> could we say that being disappointed in others is not being honest with self, self-anger projection? A> disappointment in others in when you had an expectation of the in YOUR MIND, and your mind's expectation got disappointed. This happens when one do not reference reality of a person and their skills and abilities, and either make them more or less in your own mind than what they really are

Q > is crying in anger a way to vent the frustration? and if so is it cool to do so? A> I would always go to Self Forgiveness First -crying is just a release, not the Solution and the root/source will still be in the mind and the physical.

Q> Is there other ways Disappointment can manifest within oneself? A> yes - absolutely, as we said earlier, this is only the dimension of where one reaction in disappointment instead of anger.

Q> is uselessness a consequence of inverted anger? A> uselessness, yes and no - can Contribute to it, but the uselessness is more of an Individual point in itself where one tend to Victimize oneself, it's the Victim-Personality at play here.

Q> I have the impulse of reaction but then I suppress this - I associate this with the fear of confrontation and the fear of the other's reaction against what I say - can you expand on this? A> that would be when you react in fear of others, defining yourself in relation to what your mind is thinking that others may/might when you in fact have no idea, so this is another self-sabotage construct. So, have to look at how you can change this, with instead of FEARING OTHERS in your Mind - simply before you speak, consider others, the environment and situation and what isn’t at that stage appropriate to say/not to say - this is not REACTING, but CONSIDERING reality.

Q> I use to think that people that express anger are out of control now i realize that so are those that suppress anger are out of control also. A> I'd say in some way...we're all out of control in the control of the Mind

Q> can disappointment also be expressed as anger? A> yes - you can accumulate disappointment as an energy that can result/turn into anger

Q> what are the physical organs that can be affected by these points Sunette? A> explosive anger - more specifically the heart and general mental functioning, and then the disappointment, more self-experience in terms of the apathy.

Q> Sunette when reacting to other's facial expression in disappointment - that's not to do with inverted anger but taken someone else' facial expression personal by interpreting based on expectation A> yes, if you react in you in energy to anyone's facial expression - you're interpreting, cause you don't know/haven't asked what exactly the person is experiencing/why they're expressing their face in a certain way.

Q> This is probably for another time, but what makes one an introvert or an extrovert or switch back and forth Sunette? A> introvert and extrovert is a survival mechanism, some remain introverted and others only extroverted, others switch - depends which expression/personality serves their interests/fears/desires more/less depending on relationships and situations.

Q> why do children lash out in spitefulness when angry? is it because they don’t have the vocabulary yet? A> with children - this is an accumulation of energies/experiences they suppressed during being a baby that they were exposed to and how they developed a relationship to that on a beingness/physical level, and yes - because they don't have an vocabulary, they'll express experiences physically.

Q> I found that many of my anger instances would be me scrumbling others words or interpreting behaviors. A> Yes - the Mind seeking opportunity for an energy fix.

Q> i have another question somewhere in the past sometimes if i am having a discussion with a woman and i get angry at her, i get a erection, but i don't get horny how is this possible and even though i am not the guy that do hard sex?
A> can look at Porn/Imaginations in relation to Sex / Rough Sex - where you connected a similar force of energy as anger to sex/porn in your Mind over time and why/how you'd get an erection with becoming angry with women.

Q> Sunette, another question why is it that when one is really angry, thus me in this case i see everything moving very fast, i mean i see all my surrounding in like a fast forward. A> it's not that everything is moving faster, it's that in your Mind you're moving faster in the energy possession
Q> I notice pinching is big in children....where they pinch each others skin or pull hair. A> yes - it's a physical representation of the pain/discomfort/experience they have within themselves and so do unto others.

Related articles

• How Anger Fuels Addictive Behavior

Day:61Anger Demon Showing Its Head Pt2

Check Out Life Reviews On Eqafe

 With regards to my previous post, about "Backchat I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!"


What I am seeing also/now is that even though everyone told be what I should or should not do – is that I TOOK IT PERSONAL – and that is the problem. I took is as someone “against me” thus not for me, thus they are doing this to me…


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others were against me because they told me what I "should" do in there opinion and I thus took it personal, as a personal attack against me, and also a feeling/belief that in their eyes I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that because I took what people where saying personal that I compromised myself though and as anger towards others, myself and life.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize at that time that I was accepting and allowing myself to project anger towards others, myself and life because I did not like what people were saying, instead to know or understand how to be present and stable here in the moment as life and not live as an emotional being constantly bouncing around by peoples ideas and opinions.


Earlier self discussion:

I have to figure out a way to stop being jerked around by my emotions… LOL – Well I know the way; Self Honest and Self Forgiveness and then Self Corrective action. I think I still want a miracle, that one day it will be done and I will not have to “feel” like I am struggling anymore.


What I think is going on with me is that I have to start over…

I was trying to avoid this. LOL – really??? I wanted to think/believe because I have 4 years with Desteni that to start over would be… like a waste of time. But I am wasting time by not starting over and trying to do SF SH SCA from a point where I have been doing it all along. But I have not. I stopped consistent writing after two years when my life became unstable. I had to move a lot, find work, I started college. I went into a mind spin, and stopped writing consistently. And at one point I was so consumed with college that I stopped participation with Desteni all together for about 3 or 4 months – And that really set me back…

So fuck it – I will start over. Lol I have to because I need to get back to basics.

What does start over mean? I will start with writing to freedom, and basic SF. I am getting caught up in the advanced stuff and I am not ready for it because I have not really done it.
I was thinking my blogs should not be all about my struggles with keeping up with Desteni process – Thinking that I will scare off people who might read it.

Side thought -OMG – I am cutting down on sugar! – That is part of why I am angry – I am addicted to surgar – and I am not giving it to myself – thus anger.

What I am also seeing from the resent post about anger, me seeming to be at the mercy of doing what others want and or think you should do – is that… I thought I was suppose to be something special.. hm… not even sure what that is – so I will write out thoughts that come up.

Life is suppose to be for ME 

I am suppose to come here and have a playground so to speak – really I mean a place to express. And I feel like that has been suppressed. Even as a kid I thought this. And have always rebelled at limitations, at saying you are suppose to do this be that because… And the because to me were just opinions. Not making any real sense. I could understand, like don’t hurt something – because it hurts! And you would not want that to be done to you. But for everything else it sucked. Like why I could not be an airline stewardess because it is consider a glorified waitress! SO WHAT!!!

Thus I have suppressed anger at people wanting me to be what they think I should be.

Related articles

• Blaming Another For Causing ME to React - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 171
• The Battle of The MIN(e)D SF: An Artists Journey To Life: Day 139
• 148. Transcending Anger through Breathing - A Commitment.
• Fear of Anger Character - Self Corrections (Part 2) - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 157
• Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past
• Day 41 - Mother Want Me to Look Cute Pt3

Day:60 Anger Demon Showing Its head

I am feeling great resistance to doing anything today…   
I forgive myself that I am having resistance to doing school- dip and blog today
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to wake up and feel like the things I should be doing feels like drudgery today.
I forgive myself that I am being battered around by the polarity of feeling good when I do something and feeling bad when I do something – thus not feel fulfillment when it feels like drudgery to do something.. I need the energetic high feeling to get things done; - I need to “Like” to do it.
I forgive myself that I fear that unless I feel good – have the high want to feeling to do something it actually feels painful to do things – I mean to push myself feels like it sucks and is not natural to life…
I forgive myself that I even get angry when I have to do something or should do something and I don’t feel like it – I get very angry within myself – like I am being tortured.
Today I feel demonized angry! Lol – but now I am crying to release this pent up frustration and anger that I feel like I am a slave to consciousness – A slave to “have too’s” Instead to be me – what ever that is – I don’t know…

I feel so overwhelmed by school- the paper I have to write and needing to make money with websites…
I feel trapped in guilt like I have never before felt! Like if I don’t do this – then I don’t care about life… wow that’s big, that is a big guilt…

Anger at doing SRA – What is my resistance…

Backchat
I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!

I forgive myself that I don’t think I should post this
I forgive myself that I think I should be posting better things than this
I forgive myself that I think I am not helping others by what I am blogging
I forgive myself that I believe that I have too much responsibility to be responsible for the world and thus this creates fear in me in what and how I am doing things.
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing fear to run/control my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to become angry – I see this is happening because I am allowing myself to become overwhelmed instead of directing myself – I go into searching for things online and then I become distracted with what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to get involved with things that seem cool at the time and then I get so many emails from all these different things that I don’t even remember why I got involved with them. And then I use that to distract me and then I use that to become angry and blame life/others are doing it to me when it is me who allows myself to follow these carrots from online searching thinking and believing that they are cool. But what I am really doing is looking for entertainment to appease the mind as a way of avoidance instead to push through resistance.
I forgive myself that the need to feel good and balance that with feeling bad is what is getting me to find things online I think are cool and then thus I become overwhelmed with all the emails.

Related articles

• Day 158: Angry and I Don't Know Why
• Day 205: She Works Hard for the Money, Part 3
• Day 150: Postponement and Positive Energy Temptation
• Day 174: Fear of the unknown
• Day 175: Fear of not being able to handle the truth of me

Day 42 Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past

Since I have so many things going on in my mind that I “think” I can’t make a choice on what to submit for my blog – I am going to stick with one thing for now.

Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past 

>>>>>She did not see me
Also as I got older Mom always was worried about what I was wearing and how my hair looked. I would come into the kitchen and she would say is that what you are wearing, do something with your hair. I felt like a thing/ not a person that she needed to show off so she could feel good.
Because mom kept doing this to me (bugging me about how I looked or acted – instead to really talk to me, I never could really talk to her, because she did not see me - she just saw a “daughter” that she wanted to make in her image so she would get approval of her peers. It was like she didn’t even want to get to know me at all, she just wanted me to look good for others, so she would look good.

Never talk to her again
Time In Lexington

This made me an angry kid and this went on all the time. One time I remember (Time in Lexington) I wanted to talk to Mom about something important to me, as I started to talk, she said something like “honey are you going to do something with your hair” - she did not even hear me or want to hear me - This was about when I was a young teen around 12 or 13, I became so angry, it was like that time the scales where tipped - this happened so often, that day I vowed to never talk to her again - and I didn’t. What I mean by that is I never shared anything with her about me, she was just this person I had to live with, who I had to ask to do things. Like I want to go to my friend’s house, stuff like that. She never knew me.

[[[Note – Later on in my life during that time in Lexington I did not realize what was happing to her. She was pregnant and my father was cheating on her – he had a girlfriend and I took her anger as being with me, something I must have done…. Sad I did not know this and carried the anger at her for all those years.]]]

We mostly argued - a lot. Every time I asked her “why”, like why cant I do that, she would just say, because I said so. I wanted explanations, so I could learn and understand.
I felt she did not see me as anything that deserved and explanation, and in my mind she was the enemy now, just something I had to endure until I got older and could move out of the house.

Disclaimer:
Please understand that these writings are not about "complaining about my childhood." Or about blaming what I perceived as others doing something to me. I am writing my experiences that we unconsciously carry with us into our lives so we may see where we hold blame, judgment, self insecurity and anger and to come to an understanding that this is not who we are - but who we have believed we are. Within this with self forgiveness and corrective application we can change the very nature of ourselves to one of a dignified Life and not be directed emotionally.

To be continued...

Related articles

• Are You Making Your Kid Angry?
• Day One Hundred and Thirty-Five: A Journey into Life - ''The Disappointed'' character

Day 6: When Things Are Not Going My Way

I woke up dreaming about Equal Life Foundation - and coming up with slogans in my dreamy state - Serving Humanity Humanely - Equal Life Church - Serving Humanity Humanely. Then I reached for the tape recorder to record what I saying, then I just got out of bed and started my day.

Anyway I started to panic - become overwhelm again with all these thoughts of all the things I wanted to do. And I heard the words calm down - and remember the video about resistance - ah yet here it is again. But by remembering the video and my self forgiveness and self corrective statements - I Stopped the thoughts of overwhelmness and fear, breathed and brought myself back to the physical and tasks at hand.

Well as the day starts I am having problems with my Internet connection - this happens often, I am on a role with things I am doing and the Internet stops-

BREATH, I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into frustration and fear thinking how can I do what I need to do if the Internet is not working.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependant on the Internet as a way to stand up for life, and take care of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow anger and frustration just because the Internet is not working.

I STOP the frustrating thoughts and fear of not doing enough - I breathe and then just do what I can without going into stress.

It is interesting when this happens because now I have to re-gather my thoughts, to continue with the days work. But I think it is also good training - meaning we cannot always get what we want. So I am learning to be present and in control of myself as my emotions. Mostly in the past I would get very angry when things were not going how I wanted them too. And I would go into blame, anger and self pity at things outside of me.

Good point to write out self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when thing are not going how I want them to, thus causes myself stress though blame, frustration and self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that when things are going my way I am happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy when things are going my way, and then if things are not going my way I become angry, and frustrated and I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when things are not going my way, thus I am in the polarity game of happy and mad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and be happy and think I am doing something right, if things are going my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if thing are not going how I want them too - that means I am doing something wrong and thus I then go into anger at myself and the world, and then I go into self pity and self blame. Wow what a self beat up!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up when things are not going how I think or want them too.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up, because I have believe that the world is against me when thing are not going how I want them too.

I forgive myself for being angry at myself and the world, when things are not going how I think they should or how I want them too in my daily duties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into frustrations against me and the world when some daily duties or activity do not go how I would like them too and then because of the frustration and self pity I become tired through the stress I have accepted and allowed.

I will from now on try to be aware of the feelings and emotions of stress and frustration when something happens that is not what I want to happen. And within this, when I see myself going into frustration and or resentment - I stop in that moment and Breathe - I correct these thoughts by not allowing myself to follow them. I realize that having these thoughts are not what is best for All of life, and I realize that I am now in my life changing the patterns of who I accepted myself to be, to become one of a stableness within Myself and Life, as I realize that I am the one who creates reality for myself and others as myself.