Day 107 Stuck In the Mind

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn (back soon, sorry for not commenting))

I am seeing that I am still really stuck in the mcs, some of the things I noticed is that
For example right now I want to feel guilty about that and then a feeling of inferior starts to load up- LOL – I see this now – and I am not accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior. So I want to redefine the word inferior.

I forgive my self that I have been accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior through and as guilt because I see and realize that I am “still” stuck in the merry go round of the mcs. And within this forgiveness of myself to myself I see that I no longer want this within my life as an excuse not to stand.
When and if I see that I am engaging in the feeling and emotional energy of inferior – I take a breath and stop following this feeling. I understand it is of the mcs enslavement program that stops one from standing up.

Another thing/point that came up – well many of them – but I will try to stay focuses – it this point right now where I am seeing all these points very fast, like flashing within my consciousness and then I say to myself as backchat – what to write about? I have soooo many points – and then, I as backchat say I can not decide what to write – so I wont write anything. It sucks! That I have been accepting and allowing myself to let these backchats define and run my life.

Another thing I would like to expose within myself comes from : I have been reading some past Desteni forum posts – one of them is this one: “Blog Writing - Refresher "Crash Course" - SELF vs EGO”
It says:
“SELF - there is only self - the "me" / "who I am" - which can be seen / investigated by having a look at / introspecting the content of the mind and always 'bringing the points back to self' - meaning, seeing 'Who am I' in relation to what is coming up in MY MIND

EGO - here is something that EGO does:

Let's say a person is writing within/as a starting of ego - what one will find here in such an individual's mind is a constant reference / thinking process that will unfold in the lines of "what will others say?" / "what would others like to HEAR?" / "what can I write that others will like / respond to?" / "what can I write that makes me feel good?" - here - the Ego writes for others, the Ego writes for emotional responses from others, the Ego writes to feel something / to GET SOMETHING from others/someone”

I see that every one of those statements is what has been going on as backchat when I think of writing. Even now I am starting to think those thoughts.

For example now I don’t know how I will post this, should I do the SF now and make this a continued post – backchat says do the whole thing today so you get it out – thus the wanting to feel good point comes up. And now I want to give up because so many thoughts are coming up about how “should” I do this.

I will now do SF on the second point which is the backchat “ I have so many points I do not know where to start, so I wont start.”

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to engage in the thoughts when I want to write of, “Oh I have so many points to talk about and so many things I want to say that I don’t know where to start and how can I every have the time to say it all, and so within this I don’t even want to start.”

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to engage in these thoughts where in I am allowing then to direct Me instead to stand and move through these mcs habits.
I forgive myself that right now I am thinking when will I have the time to write daily – I am thinking that how and should I make writing a priority in my life when I have so much to do already. Now I am thinking, people are not going to even understand what I am doing within this writing, so I don’t want to post it as a blog. I think – is this really helping others? Well here is how I will deal with this – I don’t know if it will help others but I will do it anyway – I will work on the idea, believe that I think I need it to make sense to others that are not in the Desteni process. See now this is another point, and again just now I think – gee there are sooooooo many points to write about – I now want to give up.

How can I within myself be okay to just write one point at a time? The fear is when I get a point it is NOW – and if I don’t write NOW- I fear it is gone – or that I then have to wait for it to come back – this again is the con-fusion point, where I accept and allow myself to believe the thoughts of how to, how can, will it work – tons of questions that stop me from just doing.
One thing that is really cool about seeing and especially writing this out right now, right before me, is that I have slowed down the mind back chat thoughts to the point of physical where they are as the written word. And with SF and SCA I can start to mange them – I can see these thoughts for what they are and decide who I want to be. And I decide to take notice of these thoughts and not accepted and allow them as excuses to direct my life. So be it.

I have been doing the Art of Self Investigation for 7 years now. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty.

There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery

 

Day 105 Don’t Tell Me What to Do

As I work on my Boss Woes Mind Constructs with the Desteni I Process – I have been re-seeing that I do

"CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself"

already knew to do it. Thus my self importance as pride felt like it was being attacked. As I look back on my life I see that my pride was very important to me. It is really another layer of wanting to be liked. I also would not want people to do something for me that I could do – I wanted to show them that I could do it. Thus building up myself as pride.
Interesting I am a double Leo – The pride of the lion! Lol – It was important to me that others saw me as worthy. This is really cool to see how I was so attached to my pride. Where in it would cause many times a lot of “emotional” unnecessary suffering for me, though out my life, I did not see it as suffering so to speak – I just saw it as “that is the way it is.”

I have a memory of when I was around 13yrs old. I was outside in my back yard putting up a tent. The neighbor boy came over and wanted to help me. I said “No – I can do!” And I would not let him help. My mother was watching this through the window. After the neighbor boy left she called me into the house and said “Why didn’t you let him help? He was just wanting to hang out with you and play.” I was in a bit of a shock when she said that. What was going on in my mind was that I like him and I wanted him to like me so I wanted to show him how cool I was because I could put up the tent! I remember doing this to him many times. Like wanted to better than him, so he would think I was cool and like me. The thing is I was pushing him away! Lol! I would be so wrapped up in proving myself that I did not take into consideration the other person at all. Interesting enough, somehow I did get a lot of friends. But I see now, it was because I was always doing things for them, so they would think I was cool. I wanted the attention and to build up self esteem as pride.

So the suffering so to speak would be for example how I reacted to my boss when she told me what to do, which is in the previous post. I became angry with backchat thoughts like she does not see me as worthy, doesn’t she see how good I am, I became judgmental and resentful towards her, I blamed her for not being different towards me. Things are better now that I have seen this and understand that suffering only comes because we believe in our self importance to where we can see nothing else. I can now see her as she is just doing her job, just making sure things get done, where I do not take how she is or what she does personally. I just say okay. And that is that. Its over, I do not go home anymore with resentment. This is also affecting my other relationship – where I would take things said or done personally if they do not agree with me or see it my way. They have there own way to see things, where I do not have to take offence about it anymore. Drop the pride and be free!  Next post I will share some self forgiveness on this point.

Related Posts Boss Woes Continued - Boss Woes

I have been doing the Art of Self Investigation for 6 years now. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery

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Day 100 Distractions, Real or Imaginary

All in the Mind (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

False Mind Distractions

Okay I thought I was distracted before – now I have given myself even more opportunities for distraction by having a roommate/friend move in– but what is revealing about this is – that the distraction I had before were all in the mind – thus not real – and now I have some real distractions – So what this has showed me is that – I have made up the distractions before – and now I have real ones – so it is like I manifested it into the physical!! Geee. But also interesting enough – is that I can now see physical distractions that I know I need to work around and stay focused. Thus showing me my other mind distraction were really excuses and how silly it was to engage in them. Seems I am more determined or it seems more valid to push through the real physical distractions than the imaginary ones…

Physical Distractions

 Interesting... I wonder why that is so? Why am I thinking it is more important to push through the physical distractions than the mind ones? And I seem more motivated…Well it is not like I did not want to push through the mind distractions it is that it just seemed harder – like relentless backchat chatter all the time. And now I have something tangible to deal with as in Real physical distractions.
What I am seeing is that life is showing me through reality that I can do it? Am I saying the I see the imaginary ones of mind backchat and chatter as more difficult? – Yes I am saying that… But it does not make sense that it should be so. Thus another reveling aspect of the MCS that I have been accepting and allowing. I think the mind backchat is greater than me. But I can see that this is something I learned and perfected – to believe the mind is superior to life – to what is here and Real.


I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe the mind backchat and chatter are more real than what is really here.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe that distraction in the mind as imaginations are real than what is actually true.

The bottom line is that I don’t want to do some things – and then that is when I accept and allow mind distractions – trying to valid to myself why I don’t want to do something.

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Day 96 Imagined Mind Conflicts

Desteni Artists

by Jessie

I have noticed that when I am in my mind/imagination going over things, talking to myself in the mind, especially like trying to explain myself, my thoughts, to someone or something, I am talking to someone, something else in my imagination, that I feeling like it is confrontation - and I notice that I get very stiff, my arms and shoulder become ridged and tight. It is like I am defending myself to some imaginary other being, or myself..... hm... Am I defending myself to myself?

Wow I just did it now, as I was trying to explain myself to myself. I tightened up physical in my body as in defensive mode. Why can I not have a conversation with myself without becoming or feeling defensive? Ah I just did it again as I was re-reading this, tensing up because I am trying to express myself in words. Ah I noticed it again when I am thinking - especially when I am thinking about what to say as words, as writing. What is it? Fear of confrontation; fear that I can not explain myself to where one will understand? Fear of exposing myself?

OMG- I think This is what Bernard meant when he talked about the policeman in your head! Yes that is what it feels like - I am always policing my thoughts defending my thoughts to the policeman! lol wow. I never saw this before - If I had not noticed that I am most always tightening up my body when I am thinking and questioned this I would have not understood. Thanks Body - lol
This is very interesting - every time I think my body tenses up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own thoughts to the point where I become defensive with myself. haha - that sounds bazaar!

I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized until now that when ever I am thinking as conversations within my mind/imagination that I have been tensing up my body where I now notice it especially in tightening up of my arms and shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my thoughts as one of expression and one of defense where in my expression in and as thoughts especially words are taken as or come from the starting point of defending myself.

Wherein this may be my resistance towards writing, because I feel that I have to defend my expression as words, thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and stress when I have to write.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to fear I can not express what I am wanting to say and thus will be judged.

Fear of Expressing as Words

I am seeing now that this fear manifested as a child, when wanting to express myself through words that I had to most always defend myself. As many times I was punished by parent and teachers for not using words correctly, or being reprimanded, saying I was wrong for thinking like that, and or I was made fun of by other children for the words I spoke, and I am sure I was guilty of doing the same to others.

Thus when I see or notice myself tensing up I realize that I am in the mind as imagination and self confrontation within the polarity swing of good or bad self conversations and the tension is the fear of thinking something wrong, policing my own thoughts , I stop breathe, and drop and relax my shoulders and arms, and become stable and present here as life, not emotions or feelings.

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Day 82 I Am Not My Body = Arrogance and Self Interest

Yesterday I had a ton of energy and work most all day on research for a Desteni video – Today I feel sluggish and tired – and physically not feeling great – interesting – what the heck happened that would make a difference from yesterday to today?

What I did yesterday is not eat a good dinner – I made a good breakfast – then junk food at night – that could be it? I got lazy and did not want to cook something good. That could be it – And I was on a high that day – I felt good physically and mentally – thus this can also be the polarity manic swing.
I want to start to track my daily thinking and actions more extensively.
Right now I made a good breakfast – and already I am feeling better – I noticed an anxiety coming up – I use to get anxiety attacks. After I am eating it is lessening.

I loved reading “The Starting” Point by Ken Cousens today (See Link at bottom of Page) I am looking forward to when more and more people wake up from their self interest hypnotic state so we can start to really live and enjoy life. This is a must to read if you care about Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent with eating right daily. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become lazy and come up with higher than thou excuses as to why it is okay to not eat right everyday.

The higher than thou means, that in my mind I think I am greater than the body – I think that I can get away with things just because I think of them. Like you don’t have to eat – you are not your body. Geee. This is coming from my idea that I conjoined up that I am not from this planet – I don’t belong here, and that my mind is who I am – my thoughts are who I am, and to a great extent that is true. As my thought generated my actions – but to think that I am not also this body and to understand that I am also within this body that allows life in the physical to be experienced is pure egomania which I see now I still am operating from this starting point. Lol – funny I can see my mind when I remember why I did not eat last night – it was pure ego – I AM – I can get away with this – cause I AM. Wow – I did not see until now that I still play that card… But I am a creator – I know this – but what I am missing is that to consider all of life as me. I wanted to get to a point to where we don’t have to eat – and maybe one day that will happen, but my starting point is I want to do this to be greater than the body – So I can say I transcended the body = ego style. It is arrogance and self interest.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize that I have been accepting and allowing myself to still use the “ I am greater than what is Here” card as justifications to not doing something. When I don’t even know what greater than here even means…lol. It is like a supper hero in my own mind – a greater than fantasy that I have unconsciously been holding onto. Like don’t take away my belief in fairytales! I have my own fairytale that I have used to not take responsibility. It is my safety net for the mind. So I don’t want to let it go completely.
When and if I see myself sneaking in the I am greater that what needs to be done as backchat and excuses I stop and breath then write out these thoughts/ideas/ and beliefs that stop me from participating as Life in the and as the physical.
I commit myself to see and understand the I want to be greater than program that I have been accepting and allowing to still participate in within my secret mind backchat.

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Day 78 Why am I frustrated today?

Give your brain a break !! ...item 4B.. "If" by Joni Mitchell ...item 5.. How Much Blaming Should We Do? -- “A person sees all wounds except his own.” (Jul 11th, 2012) ... (Photo credit: marsmet543)

This is interesting – I woke up flustered – like the saying “you got out the wrong side of the bed this morning.” This feeling seems to come up out of no where. I was becoming agitated while doing my morning things. I was thinking what is wrong? I caught myself trying to figure it out, but what I was really doing was accepting and allowing it. Then I remembered “YOU DECIDE” And I just stopped the feelings as words spoken in my mind– And I wrote a sign that says I DECIDE, and put it on the wall so I can see it to remind myself that I do not have to accepted and allow myself to be frustrated. This day is no different than the last couple of days, in fact some really cool things have been happening, so I am not sure where the frustration is coming from – but if I stop reacting to it – I can become stable here and take a look.

Frustrated total internal refraction (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think it is because I have some added projects I am starting, thus I get the feeling of being overwhelmed and frustrated – I think that is it. I don’t know why I am frustrated though – ah it is the feeling have lots to do, so I get frustrated. Well this is a familiar feeling that I have been seeing within myself lately. I have done plenty of SF on this point and after I wrote about it today to expose the pattern I just stopped the backchat.
So I decided that I know where this backchat goes, which is nowhere just a spiral with no end lol, so I decided to stop and breathe, bring myself back to now as HERE and continue my day.

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Day 74 Observing Disappointment Backchat

Deutsch: Phrenologie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw the other day how I became disappointed that the dog next door is out – and now I cannot let Molly out because they fight.


I saw that my first reaction within my mind as backchat was – disappointment. Now things are not going well – oh boy something else to worry about. And within this I felt heavy as in wanting to give up on life as another burden to bare. What I saw within this is how:


I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to when I saw that the dog next door was outside and Molly got upset that I went into disappointment as suppressed anger that now I have to do something different as in not letting Molly out to run free, which I accepted and allowed within my mind to be a nuisances, instead to just see the situation for what it is and to stably make a change that would be best.


I have been seeing that All my breaths were one of disappointment - my whole life - I am now starting to be able to trace this personality that I developed within many of my actions and believes as they come up.


Note: this topic has opened a whole new can of worms or should I say snakes! I edited and posted the chat from today on LF and added some insights I had for myself. I have usually pushed through postponement as energy movement - which I am seeing lately is/was not really dealing with the problem.



My daily thing recently is postponement to work on my start up business. I have been having extreme resistance daily/hourly with this, to the point of panic and fear of failing and the fear that I am having this fear. 
What I saw within the topic of our chat “When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment” is that I am resisting because of past acceptance and allowance of disappointment with business ventures within my life, and also not being supported by my parents in these ventures. 
Mom would say “honey – why don’t you just get a job that pays good benefits.” In other words how I saw it was that she was “disappointed” that I wanted to start a business of my own, and thought it better I just work for someone. So as I get into starting a venture or project and soon afterwards I would start go into fear as disappointed from past experiences. 

Note: Since I have seen this point about living as disappointment- about 2 weeks now, like I have said, I  can see it in my backchat, to the point that now I have been able to direct better.  Just today a kitchen cabinet door broke off its hinges and before when I was not aware of the accumulating disappointment thoughts/backchat I would of went into a mind possession of "Oh No, now this! Gee, now I have to get it fix, there is something else I have to do, my trailer is falling apart, poor me...etc. But as I started to go there I could see - Ah Disappointment character. And I just stopped those thoughts. And I remember I no longer want to accept and allow myself to live life as disappointment. It was almost like - oh cool - this will be easy to fix. :-) LOL

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Day:61Anger Demon Showing Its Head Pt2

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 With regards to my previous post, about "Backchat I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!"


What I am seeing also/now is that even though everyone told be what I should or should not do – is that I TOOK IT PERSONAL – and that is the problem. I took is as someone “against me” thus not for me, thus they are doing this to me…


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others were against me because they told me what I "should" do in there opinion and I thus took it personal, as a personal attack against me, and also a feeling/belief that in their eyes I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that because I took what people where saying personal that I compromised myself though and as anger towards others, myself and life.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize at that time that I was accepting and allowing myself to project anger towards others, myself and life because I did not like what people were saying, instead to know or understand how to be present and stable here in the moment as life and not live as an emotional being constantly bouncing around by peoples ideas and opinions.


Earlier self discussion:

I have to figure out a way to stop being jerked around by my emotions… LOL – Well I know the way; Self Honest and Self Forgiveness and then Self Corrective action. I think I still want a miracle, that one day it will be done and I will not have to “feel” like I am struggling anymore.


What I think is going on with me is that I have to start over…

I was trying to avoid this. LOL – really??? I wanted to think/believe because I have 4 years with Desteni that to start over would be… like a waste of time. But I am wasting time by not starting over and trying to do SF SH SCA from a point where I have been doing it all along. But I have not. I stopped consistent writing after two years when my life became unstable. I had to move a lot, find work, I started college. I went into a mind spin, and stopped writing consistently. And at one point I was so consumed with college that I stopped participation with Desteni all together for about 3 or 4 months – And that really set me back…

So fuck it – I will start over. Lol I have to because I need to get back to basics.

What does start over mean? I will start with writing to freedom, and basic SF. I am getting caught up in the advanced stuff and I am not ready for it because I have not really done it.
I was thinking my blogs should not be all about my struggles with keeping up with Desteni process – Thinking that I will scare off people who might read it.

Side thought -OMG – I am cutting down on sugar! – That is part of why I am angry – I am addicted to surgar – and I am not giving it to myself – thus anger.

What I am also seeing from the resent post about anger, me seeming to be at the mercy of doing what others want and or think you should do – is that… I thought I was suppose to be something special.. hm… not even sure what that is – so I will write out thoughts that come up.

Life is suppose to be for ME 

I am suppose to come here and have a playground so to speak – really I mean a place to express. And I feel like that has been suppressed. Even as a kid I thought this. And have always rebelled at limitations, at saying you are suppose to do this be that because… And the because to me were just opinions. Not making any real sense. I could understand, like don’t hurt something – because it hurts! And you would not want that to be done to you. But for everything else it sucked. Like why I could not be an airline stewardess because it is consider a glorified waitress! SO WHAT!!!

Thus I have suppressed anger at people wanting me to be what they think I should be.

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Day 8: Tired of Life Back Chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the life long pattern I have of the thought “ I am tired of Life.”

I forgive myself that I am tired of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of pain in my body and there for use the words I am tired of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being tired because that means I do not want to get anything done for the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired really in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am a victim of polarity swings. One day I feel good and do a lot and the next day I am tired and just want to be, not do because I have too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of thinking one day that I want to do, and then the next day I believe and feel that I have to do. And the feeling of “have to” causes depression, self judgment and an internal battle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something when I don’t want to is a battle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired of this internal constant battle of being tired and not wanting to do and thus therefore go into guilt and self judgment and therefore start to see life as a battle.

I forgive myself that I do not know how to stop this within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want it to stop on its own. I am not sure if it is the self judgment that I should stop, or if it is okay to just take a break when I feel this way.  

When the feeling of being tire comes up and I start feeling guilty, I will try to not accepted and allow the believe that I am doing something wrong and thus go into guilt.

I can feel tired without the guilt as that makes me more tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and feel guilty when I am feeling tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am not in the mood to do something that I then believe that I am tired, when it is really that I don’t want to do something that is required to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do what is required to do; thinking and believing that there is something else I want to do - when really there isn’t…

Hmmm... 

So I want to do it??? What is saying that I don’t want to do it? Wow - there are two of me.

I forgive myself that there are two of me. lolol.