Day 102 Boss Woes

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Boss Woes 

I was having a big reaction to my boss. I will share a rant and rave I did about. Rant and Rave is part of the Desteni I Process to see our minds that create our emotions and feelings.

Rant and Rave

Giving me angry looks while working
Many times while I am on the floor taking care of the customers or when I have to walk back in the kitchen she will give me this mean look – and I know soon she is going to complain about something – but sometimes she does not say anything to me. And if I get the chance I will ask her if she is okay. When I see though mean looks I don’t know what is going on with her.
Feeling of being antagonized, I become uneasy, like what now is she mad about, feel like I am being judged and attacked and disliked.

Telling me to do things that I already know to do

She, from out of the blue will say something to me that is not nice. Meaning she yells at me to do something, usually something that I am going to do and have been doing it for 16 yrs now. Then she will accuse me of not wanting to do it! When this happens I get very upset. For example, I will be finishing up with a customer and a new costumer is coming in the door – and if she is next to me she will say “Pay attention there is a costumer!”, in an reprimanding tone, when I just about to greet them.
She will say that table needs cleaned – when I already know that (I have been a waitress for 35 years!) I had planed to get to it as soon as I was finished with something else.

Being angry at me for something I did 2 months ago

I can go on and on about the many times she treats me like this. For example one time she was treating me like shit for 2 months, just dirty looks and snapping at me every day. I finally asked her what was wrong, why is she doing that. Usually she will deny that anything is wrong when I ask her. But I insisted and said you seem to be angry with me. Well then she told me – that 2 months ago I did not give her a dozen eggs for free. She is the one who said she wants the eggs, and I told her they were not mine to give– but my landlord ask that I help her to sell them when we have enough. So here she was angry at me, and she told me I was cheap, and did not like to share, and what ever else. Then she actually sort of apologized and said that I am just a really honest person, and that is good.


The point is she is treating me like shit again, and I am tired of it, I do not like to confront her, because she always at first gets very defensive – she is Korean, and gets hyper expressive. (Angry) and that throws me off. Meaning, I then can get defensive back at her if I am not stable.

Fear when I go to work

Not knowing what type of mood she will be in and if I am going to get yelled at or not.
What this is doing is making me feel inferior when I go to work. I am feeling like a dog who is scared of its master because he might get kicked for what appears like no reason.

Next post I will share what I found out about myself and how I was able to get past theses feelings and emotions - It has to do with: Judging Others is Protecting Self Importance
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Day 79 Change Before You Die!

The Program (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was listing to Heaven Journey to Life Blog today, and they say to make a change now in your life before you die. It is best to listen to this to get the full explanation and concept. Unifying the Mind-Body-Spirit Trinity Separation: DAY 346

This really can get one to start thinking what one has done with their life while here on earth. For me I was pretty much unconscious, meaning I was just living the matrix slave program. Trying to survive, wanting to find my “soul mate”, wanting to win the lottery or make more money so I could be “free.” Yet there was a part of me that kept asking – “THERE HAS GOT TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!” So while doing the survival stuff like working and tending to the necessities of life I read everything I could get my hands on for the past 35 yrs or so to find out what the fuck is going on in existence, to where everyone seemed to be asleep to the abuse and atrocities that are going on.

The news would tell of some of it, but never was there every a solution talked about. Or one that worked. It seemed like any real change that could benefit all of man kind was undermined. So what do you do? What can one or a few people do? I did not see results from protesting, well maybe for a moment something would change, then a bill would pass that messed up something else. It is unending the crap that we seem t to have to put up with. So I tried to find solace in, stuff like LOA, Advita, but to me it did not seem fair or right some how. By that I mean, I could stop my thoughts for a few moments, and be in this place in my mind where there was nothing, and I liked it, a break from the world, but then you open your eyes, or come back from meditation, and the world is still the same, Wars, corruption, child abuse. So what changed? Nothing.

The only “hope” I had was that maybe when you die, it will be sorted out – you will know why the world is like this, there will be an explanation of why we are such an abusive species. By the time I 50yrs old I had lost all respect for life here. Except for nature, as nature is very giving to us. Without nature there would be no reason to be here. But then you see how we as a species are destroying it, it seems the ones with the most money wins what happens to us and our planet. And they do not seem to care at all expect for more profit at the cost of life.

I am getting a bit off of topic and I see this post could also be called “How I heard the Desteni message.”
So with the comment of “change before You Die,” one would have to look honestly at who and what you are now. So I ask the question to myself, if you died right now what could you say about your life. Who were you, what did you do.
If I died right now, I could say I was at the tip of the ice burg to even start to grasp what change really means. But lets say I died before I started with Desteni. That would be before I understood what it meant to be self honest.

I use to say I was ego honest. Lol- that means I only knew and supported my ego, in that I would defend it. I would study who I was, say for example, by astrology or numerology and all that does is tell you what your program is – who you are as a programmed when you were born. And though this can have some bit of truth, I mean like we are born with certain personality types – I would just defend it/me and would not change. And if I died then I would have not changed at all – I would of just died as a program. Defending my program and I could say – I really did not do anything but follow the designed program. Now this designed program is so extensive that we do not even see how it affects every breath we take.
So what does it mean to change before you die? I will continue with this as I am going to listen to this series again.

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Day64: The Love That Got Away PT2

English: Love Book - The Top 50 Most Trusted Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Relationship Success (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing  with Blog – The Love That Got Away.

As I was pondering my long time ago relationship, I got some insights. One is that I am still living that relationship as me now HERE. I saw another show of Deep Space Nine, where Benjamin was in the worm hole talking with the Profits. The Profits where trying to understand humans. Benjamin was trying to explain time to them. He was saying that we live in a place where things are linear. They follow after each other, and thus we can see past as time as we move to another moment.. And the Profits kept saying But You Are HERE. And what they were showing him was that he was living in his mind as a time loop of a year ago when his wife had died and he had failed to save her. Thus indicating that if you are linear – why are you Here – meaning living in the past moment with anger and fear of what had happened. Well long story short, he snapped out of it. He realizing that in his mind he was not living linear – but staying and living as the sorrow and anger and thus missing his moments of life as the present, not seeing others or life around him. 

For me I saw that when it came to a partnership interest, someone coming into my life as a potential partner – that I was/would live that moment where I thought I had failed a good relationship. And because of that, when I had an opportunity for a partner, all kinds of memory pictures come up of that time. I then feared getting involved again, fearing that I would fail. 

I also see that we do this for many things. Anything that we accepted and allowed to made an emotional charge imprint within our minds with a label as good. or bad – we carry with us, most of us our whole entire life – and we never do really live HERE. We live in the mind. And at Desteni and the Desteni I Process we are becoming self intimate - we study ourselves and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe, by understanding our emotions and feelings and how they can enslave us to live life in constant time loops and never really know how to live HERE as the Physical. 

So back to my relationship, I mentioned that I call her and we did talk. While I was waiting to see if she would call me back, I was thinking how we as humans all live in our own “personal reality”, meaning I wonder how she saw our relationship. I knew I had my version of it, what I believed happened. So I was hoping we could talk about it.

So what did we talk about? At first it was pleasantries, like how have you been, have you seen so and so, we talked about the people we knew together. Then she said – “So you had a dream about me?” lol – I am laughing now, because I was actually not going to initiate that conversation… If she did not – I probably would have not brought up our relationship – I was backing out, I got scared, I am a chicken! Then I would have regretted it, thank goodness she said something about it!

Next I will talk about what we talked about regarding our relationship

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Day:62 I Am Too Spiritual to Face This

Rant and Rave:
Last night I dreamed of an ex… wow – In the dream it is about me searching for her – finding her and then she won’t let me in. Or now she is letting me in – but we don’t stay long together as she always has to go. And I don’t want her to go – I want us to be together – I feel like I made a mistake when we were together – and I want the chance to get back with her. I feel she is the only person where I got to experience that we both loved EACH OTHER. She loved me! And I loved her- I think! …

Suppressed relationship stuff coming up – from watching Deep Space Nine – It reminds me I am still single – and have never had a good relationship. I miss Lynne for some reason…why
I am feeling sad our relationship did not work out.

I saw today from our weekly online chats that I have not even started to deal with relationships. I have worked through brother and mother stuff – But not “love” relationships. To be honest – these have been very painful for me – and to avoid this – is avoiding who and what I have been existing as. My relationships are who I am! This part of my life has been such a mess in my mind, that I thought just to forget about it and it will go away and I will change “magically” by suppressing it. Thinking because I will no longer probably ever have another “partnership, love” relationship in my life – that means I over came it! What a LIE I am seeing now. If this is the most painful part of my life – I better look at it: my beliefs, and ideas that caused me this pain.
I was watching Deep Space Nine and this episode was about some of the crew’s personal relationship love interests. I then that night had a dream about who I believe was the one and only closest relationship that I ever had. To me I feel this way because I believed we BOTH loved each other. Usually my relationships were either I was infatuated (I called that “love”) with the person and they were not back, or they were and I was not. So this one is the one I always seem to dream about. The dreams are similar in that I want to reconnect with this person and something happens that we don’t. It is usually her avoiding me, having other things to do, and not the time right now.

In our relationship that we had – we broke up after 2yrs and I was devastated. I am still devastated after close to 30yrs! I have never been with another for that long of a time – where we were considered a couple. I have been crying most the day about this – which usually happens after I have this type of dream about her. I become sad, I feel I messed up with our relationship and I wish we could try again. Thus in my dream where I look for her, find her, but we can not connect beyond pleasantries and I wake up sad that she does not return the desire to maybe give us another chance.
I would not have gone into this deeper – I would again mostly likely have distracted myself from this dream after awhile which is what I always do – had it not been for our Desteni chat today about relationships and the dream I had the night before. HELLO ADELE! Time to Deal with it!

I forgive myself that I thought and believed that dealing with this relationship and all others that I have had was not necessary because I have spiritualized IT. Meaning that I made myself believe that I was ABOVE RELASIONSHIPS – they are not part of being a spiritual person.
Backchat- It is silly to worry, think about the past – I am moving on now – having a relationship is just a program to enslave us, so ignore it - You are better than wanting to have a relationship (spiritualization).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid myself through and as suppression because I thought and wanted to believe that I am a spiritual person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I con-vinced myself that I was spiritual that I did not have to face myself as who I have been and believe that my past emotions and feeling would be automatically erased. Not seeing or not WANTING TO SEE that this will take years of work to understand and stop this program and re-program who I have been life time after life time. Within this avoidance – it just keeps growing, or I could say it just keep staying HERE as me, because I chose not to look at – making myself believe that if I did not look at it, it would just go away. Well – IT DOSENT.

To Be Continued
MFM Art: Am I an Enlightened Ornamental Lamp? http://bit.ly/Ss7036
by Matti Destonian Freeman

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• 195. The Righteousness of Evil

Day:61Anger Demon Showing Its Head Pt2

Check Out Life Reviews On Eqafe

 With regards to my previous post, about "Backchat I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!"


What I am seeing also/now is that even though everyone told be what I should or should not do – is that I TOOK IT PERSONAL – and that is the problem. I took is as someone “against me” thus not for me, thus they are doing this to me…


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others were against me because they told me what I "should" do in there opinion and I thus took it personal, as a personal attack against me, and also a feeling/belief that in their eyes I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that because I took what people where saying personal that I compromised myself though and as anger towards others, myself and life.

I forgive myself that I did not see or realize at that time that I was accepting and allowing myself to project anger towards others, myself and life because I did not like what people were saying, instead to know or understand how to be present and stable here in the moment as life and not live as an emotional being constantly bouncing around by peoples ideas and opinions.


Earlier self discussion:

I have to figure out a way to stop being jerked around by my emotions… LOL – Well I know the way; Self Honest and Self Forgiveness and then Self Corrective action. I think I still want a miracle, that one day it will be done and I will not have to “feel” like I am struggling anymore.


What I think is going on with me is that I have to start over…

I was trying to avoid this. LOL – really??? I wanted to think/believe because I have 4 years with Desteni that to start over would be… like a waste of time. But I am wasting time by not starting over and trying to do SF SH SCA from a point where I have been doing it all along. But I have not. I stopped consistent writing after two years when my life became unstable. I had to move a lot, find work, I started college. I went into a mind spin, and stopped writing consistently. And at one point I was so consumed with college that I stopped participation with Desteni all together for about 3 or 4 months – And that really set me back…

So fuck it – I will start over. Lol I have to because I need to get back to basics.

What does start over mean? I will start with writing to freedom, and basic SF. I am getting caught up in the advanced stuff and I am not ready for it because I have not really done it.
I was thinking my blogs should not be all about my struggles with keeping up with Desteni process – Thinking that I will scare off people who might read it.

Side thought -OMG – I am cutting down on sugar! – That is part of why I am angry – I am addicted to surgar – and I am not giving it to myself – thus anger.

What I am also seeing from the resent post about anger, me seeming to be at the mercy of doing what others want and or think you should do – is that… I thought I was suppose to be something special.. hm… not even sure what that is – so I will write out thoughts that come up.

Life is suppose to be for ME 

I am suppose to come here and have a playground so to speak – really I mean a place to express. And I feel like that has been suppressed. Even as a kid I thought this. And have always rebelled at limitations, at saying you are suppose to do this be that because… And the because to me were just opinions. Not making any real sense. I could understand, like don’t hurt something – because it hurts! And you would not want that to be done to you. But for everything else it sucked. Like why I could not be an airline stewardess because it is consider a glorified waitress! SO WHAT!!!

Thus I have suppressed anger at people wanting me to be what they think I should be.

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Day:60 Anger Demon Showing Its head

I am feeling great resistance to doing anything today…   
I forgive myself that I am having resistance to doing school- dip and blog today
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to wake up and feel like the things I should be doing feels like drudgery today.
I forgive myself that I am being battered around by the polarity of feeling good when I do something and feeling bad when I do something – thus not feel fulfillment when it feels like drudgery to do something.. I need the energetic high feeling to get things done; - I need to “Like” to do it.
I forgive myself that I fear that unless I feel good – have the high want to feeling to do something it actually feels painful to do things – I mean to push myself feels like it sucks and is not natural to life…
I forgive myself that I even get angry when I have to do something or should do something and I don’t feel like it – I get very angry within myself – like I am being tortured.
Today I feel demonized angry! Lol – but now I am crying to release this pent up frustration and anger that I feel like I am a slave to consciousness – A slave to “have too’s” Instead to be me – what ever that is – I don’t know…

I feel so overwhelmed by school- the paper I have to write and needing to make money with websites…
I feel trapped in guilt like I have never before felt! Like if I don’t do this – then I don’t care about life… wow that’s big, that is a big guilt…

Anger at doing SRA – What is my resistance…

Backchat
I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!

I forgive myself that I don’t think I should post this
I forgive myself that I think I should be posting better things than this
I forgive myself that I think I am not helping others by what I am blogging
I forgive myself that I believe that I have too much responsibility to be responsible for the world and thus this creates fear in me in what and how I am doing things.
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing fear to run/control my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to become angry – I see this is happening because I am allowing myself to become overwhelmed instead of directing myself – I go into searching for things online and then I become distracted with what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to get involved with things that seem cool at the time and then I get so many emails from all these different things that I don’t even remember why I got involved with them. And then I use that to distract me and then I use that to become angry and blame life/others are doing it to me when it is me who allows myself to follow these carrots from online searching thinking and believing that they are cool. But what I am really doing is looking for entertainment to appease the mind as a way of avoidance instead to push through resistance.
I forgive myself that the need to feel good and balance that with feeling bad is what is getting me to find things online I think are cool and then thus I become overwhelmed with all the emails.

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