Day 75 Disappointment turned into Procrastination.

English: Procrastination Crossword (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I continue to investigate what and how I lived the past as a continuation of anger as suppression turned 
into disappointment for feeling and thinking like I was not supported along with many other things has manifested itself into my life at this time. This has led up to the point whe
re I have been almost completely unable to move without great effort to get things done. Within this I have been making myself sick with the constant backchat and fear of my own procrastination. And the fear that I know I am doing this and have not been able to stop.

Thus I am grateful that I found a name for this – that I can actually see the disappointment personality where as I had not seen it in this way before. What I am grateful for is because I just thought I had a sever problem with procrastination, and no matter what I did, it never went away – and then to the point of fearing it which of course makes it even worse.

Now I see that it is not really “procrastination” like a disorder. It is the idea and belief that I am and have lived life as disappointing – thus- duh – why would I want to do things, if life was disappointing? I see that I can correct this – that I can change my idea that life is disappointing instead to see these areas of what I have termed disappointment to living my life as a solution/ looking for a solution that would be best for the situation. I forgive myself that instead of seeing and finding a solution to a perceived problem that I have been going into disappointment as suppressed anger for things not working out with ease.

Disillusionment to Disappointment
I have been accepting and allowing myself to become disillusioned and disappointed that I can’t do anything –

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into disappointment, because I am disillusion by what is happening here as life as slavery and then go into energetic expression as depression.
OMG – I have to get OVER MYSELF!!

OMG Get over yourself Adele – lol! Quit going into feeling disappointed in yourself! And the world As Yourself – Quit being dis-appoint see definition

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disappointment

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.[1] It is a source of psychological stress.[2] The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis,[1][3] as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.[4]

I might be on to something here! Procrastination is really a form of fear of disappointment for me. In area’s like Blog and Dip and My business – things like dishes and things that need to be done – I can do – but like going to the dentist is a fear that I will be disappointed… wow

Related articles

• Observing Disappointment Backchat
• My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment

Day 73 My Experience with Anger Inverted to Disappointment

To recap:

Lost to Apathy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

>> If you're an Introvert, a Silent one, that do not REACT extensively - even in your Mind, but actually SUPPRESS the energies a lot faster, and so much so that there's not enough energy to accumulate into the MIND and or the personality systems - anger can become disappointment, it's more like an Inverted anger, the disappointment, Whereas with extroverts that really express reactions into the MIND and into the World - a lot more energy is Available in the Personality Systems, and so can accumulate reactions of anger into oneself and towards others a lot easier. <<


The point on this topic that really shook me up was this.



THE CONSEQUENCE of this is: That one will tend to have an 'apathy' towards life/living and Self-Motivation, like there will always be a heaviness within your mind/self and really difficult to initiate self movement / the will to live, cause all the energies are suppressed into the body and actually becomes a force that weighs you down mentally and physically.



As this is what has been exactly happening to me and I had no idea I was living my life as disappointment. And it has been building up to now at my age I am/(and correcting) living in apathy towards life and have been struggling with Depression. In fact it was becoming severe and I was concerned and worried about this as I did not understand it completely.


As I read the solution, this is an Excerpt -

walk regarding seeing where the apathy/heaviness/lack of motivation affected other areas of your life...


I started to see how I have been living almost every breath as disappointment!

This was huge for me to see this, I was in shock! It just opened up for me a whole new world! - By that I mean at my age, now I can see my life lived mostly as disappointment - that had turned into depression and that the only way I have been moving though it was with "energy " which gets "drained" Thus not seeing my apathy as suppression of continual disappointments though out my life. I was also continually judging myself as a procrastinator - thinking that was the problem and constantly using energy to push through which is exhausting.


RR – I was born disappointed – my first memory is around 3 yrs old when my mom told me to get out of the street and I did not want to – she said I might get hit by a car and I remember thinking – they wont hit me – they will see me and stop – So I became angry because I wanted to stay where I was, as I was exploring. I don’t think I acted in anger – but in my young mind at the time I remember being disappointed towards my mother, for being stupid in a way to make that comment, like why would she say that, doesn’t she know I will be okay? I know this might sounds silly to some, but I am exploring all areas that I can remember to understand why and what lead to my apathy with life. Suppressed emotions build up to mental and physicals problems.


I forgive myself that at age 3 that I had started to accept and allowing myself to live as disappointment towards my mother and adults in general. Any adult that told me what to do where in I did not think it was valid to living. I mean this can be seen as a spoiled brat – but interesting, at that age I was questioning life and what people believed about life and feeling things did not make sense.


>>What I am seeing is that I have been living my life as disappointment – instead of living as a solution…

I will continue with this, as I have been writing and seeing daily, areas in my life where I have accepted and allowed this point to directed me in my life that has caused the suppressed disappointment to build up and turned into depression.

Related articles

• When Anger is Inverted to Disappointment
• Day 182: A New Angle on Anger: Re-Defining Anger

Day:60 Anger Demon Showing Its head

I am feeling great resistance to doing anything today…   
I forgive myself that I am having resistance to doing school- dip and blog today
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to wake up and feel like the things I should be doing feels like drudgery today.
I forgive myself that I am being battered around by the polarity of feeling good when I do something and feeling bad when I do something – thus not feel fulfillment when it feels like drudgery to do something.. I need the energetic high feeling to get things done; - I need to “Like” to do it.
I forgive myself that I fear that unless I feel good – have the high want to feeling to do something it actually feels painful to do things – I mean to push myself feels like it sucks and is not natural to life…
I forgive myself that I even get angry when I have to do something or should do something and I don’t feel like it – I get very angry within myself – like I am being tortured.
Today I feel demonized angry! Lol – but now I am crying to release this pent up frustration and anger that I feel like I am a slave to consciousness – A slave to “have too’s” Instead to be me – what ever that is – I don’t know…

I feel so overwhelmed by school- the paper I have to write and needing to make money with websites…
I feel trapped in guilt like I have never before felt! Like if I don’t do this – then I don’t care about life… wow that’s big, that is a big guilt…

Anger at doing SRA – What is my resistance…

Backchat
I am so tired of people wanting me to doing things - I am so tired of people telling me to do something their way. I am so tired of people wanting me to change – I am so tired of living for other peoples opinions!!!
I am so tired of feeling like I am not good enough – I am so tired of being born into a world where everyone TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO!

I forgive myself that I don’t think I should post this
I forgive myself that I think I should be posting better things than this
I forgive myself that I think I am not helping others by what I am blogging
I forgive myself that I believe that I have too much responsibility to be responsible for the world and thus this creates fear in me in what and how I am doing things.
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing fear to run/control my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to become angry – I see this is happening because I am allowing myself to become overwhelmed instead of directing myself – I go into searching for things online and then I become distracted with what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to get involved with things that seem cool at the time and then I get so many emails from all these different things that I don’t even remember why I got involved with them. And then I use that to distract me and then I use that to become angry and blame life/others are doing it to me when it is me who allows myself to follow these carrots from online searching thinking and believing that they are cool. But what I am really doing is looking for entertainment to appease the mind as a way of avoidance instead to push through resistance.
I forgive myself that the need to feel good and balance that with feeling bad is what is getting me to find things online I think are cool and then thus I become overwhelmed with all the emails.

Related articles

• Day 158: Angry and I Don't Know Why
• Day 205: She Works Hard for the Money, Part 3
• Day 150: Postponement and Positive Energy Temptation
• Day 174: Fear of the unknown
• Day 175: Fear of not being able to handle the truth of me

Day:43 OMG What I am I going to DO With My Hair!

As I work with my Mother Mind Construct in my DIP course I can see many areas where I have defined who and what I think I am through and by my interactions with my mother.

For example: When she would be concerned about how I looked. I had coarse frizzy hair and it was very hard to manage. I use to iron it in high school so it would be straight. I had great concerns how my hair would look - I would hear in my mind my mother saying "Are you going to do something with your hair?."

How I heard it in my mind was one of... hmm...say urgency. It seem to me that it was urgent to her that I do something with my hair. lol - Like I hope you are not going to go out like that - what will people think of you if they see your hair that way.


Thus within this I became very self conscious about how my hair looked. As I think of it now - this was very stressful for young kid - You wake up in the morning and your first thought is -omg - my hair -I have to "fix' it!!! And I must say this was not an easy task- to get it to go right. I had to create an image in my mind of what "cute" will look like. I would imagine people that had cute hair and try to make it look like that. I suppose I got the idea of what cute was through Television and magazines. They would tell you what was in style - how to do it - so you would be considered, cool, cute.

So how did I start to define who I was within this?

I felt my hair was not good enough
I felt that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.
I was always self conscious about my hair - meaning sometimes I could get it right, but not for long as it would frizz up in damp weather.
I feared damp weather because it would mess up my hair - and all the work it took to fix it.
Most of all I felt that something was wrong with me.(This comes from other experiences as well)
I also believed my mother did not like me because the tone of her voice (Not understanding at that time - that she was also conditioned to think like that and as a result I took it as she did not like me because her tone of voice was not gentle, but it felt like she was accusing me of something)
Thus I may have even associated my name, Adele, to not being good enough. (...interesting we are working on Names and tonal pronunciations within them and how we have subconscious and unconsiousnes reactions when we hear our name say within specific tones.)

I mean I can not blame all these experiences because of my- it was TV and magazines that shaped how we thought about things. I came to understand later in my life that all this was commercialism- social mind manipulation to sell us things - keep us thinking we could be more and have more, thus essentially telling us we could be better if we dressed this way or bought these things.


To follow I will do Self Forgiveness on these thoughts

Related articles

• I wish I was a little bit taller I wish I was a baller... I wish my hair was a little bit longer, y'all

Day 31: Drudgery Practical Solution

Okay and other cool point came with why I was participating in the overwhelmed/drudgery character;

Since I changed my daily activities to more focused, meaning instead of doing many things a day bits at a time, instead to have one full day to be only one or two projects. 

What I found when I did the latter was I felt I was never finished, because I was saying okay you have an hour to do DIP or your blog and then you have to do that, then this, and that. WOW no wonder I was overwhelmed and living as/in anxiety.

 Like today was blogs and DIP – and that’s it along with daily rating, and 2 scheduled chats . I actually feel like I have accomplished something for the day, and my focus is not interrupted by looking at the time and worrying about the next project for the day. 

This is also actually giving me  the feeling of more flexibility, meaning I am getting these things done because I am not worried about time – and I actually have time to do other things on my list.

So for example: Today I wrote 2 blogs! I worked clean up in the yard, I did ratings, facebook, checked emails, I read Sunettes blog, made breakfast, worked on transferring files to my new computer and I still have 7 hours left to work on DIP assignment.  What happened was because my project for the day was blogs and Dip – I finished blogs without feeling I had to rush and it was fun, I allowed myself time to write without worry. 

Though I am seeing I still have resistance and want to distract myself at times – I can not use the “Not Enough Time” excuse. As that can be a valid excuse at times and my mind wanted to use that as a “ I am confused point”/ where do I start, etc. 

So I am using a calendar on my computer  ( free download) and plotting out my week activities. I check it many times a day to keep focused, and so far I can sometimes even get another scheduled days project started. I also give myself the permission to rearrange the calendar as I find what is most practical. 

It looks something like this: ( I am taking a 30 credit course this fall- and I have decided to start on it 2 months before the course starts, so it will lessen the hours per week I need to do.)

Daily Destonian support ratings, and chats are a given.

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
House and yard	Wok @ 5pm blogs 2 posts Dip	Wok @ 5pm blogs 2 posts Dip	7 hrs School	DIP Chat blogs 3 posts	7 hrs School	House and yard DIP

Next I will be writing the drudgery character with Self Forgiveness and Self corrective statements and working the 5 dimensions of this character.

Check out how we are Writing Ourselves to Freedom and Worldwide Solutions at

Desteni.org

EqualMoney.org  

Day 24: Annoyed Character

We at Desteni have 4 online group chats weekly where we discuss self honesty and this was a question someone asked. 

Question: What is the root of annoyance, I become annoyed at people very easily, impatient as well...
Anu: Annoyance; when you've had backchat in your mind towards people where you have won and they have lost, and then you manifest annoyance towards them as your armor of protecting your 'i was right and you were wrong'

I saw myself doing this yesterday towards people in my mind - and it is true I was having a conversation in my head about “why don’t they do this, it would be better for them, they are not taking responsibly and I know how they can but they don’t think I am right about this or they don’t want to do it and I am annoyed at them because I am right and they are wrong. lol!

This is very interesting - because to me I have something that is working for me and I believe it would work for everyone if they did it. So I do judge them for not doing it - because I am doing it, and it is hard work, so I am better than them because I am doing it. But I really don’t feel that way - I don’t feel better than them - I feel what is the point talking about your shit if you wont look at yourself as to why. Thus the annoyance is I cannot be equal to you in conversation because you choose to be a victim to your personality characters.

So it is more like I want to be equal with them, but they are not allowing it, is how I feel.

But it is all about me so I have to figure out this one or I separate myself from people.

Ah maybe just ask them how do being like that or thinking like that make you feel?

What I can say to my friend - “You feel separate from people because you want people to like you - when you tell someone something you want to feel like you are rewarded for your information that you have given, thus you want something from others. So if you do not get a response from someone that gives you a feeling of validation you go into judgment and then that turns into fear to approach someone. It is the fear you will not get validated. And then one will go into go into backchat in their mind about how they are right and the other one is wrong. Thus the internal struggle and abuse.”

I just saw as I am sitting here writing that when and if and when I see myself going into annoyance towards another because I see they are in victim mode that I can stop and BREATH and become present HERE as THEM as ME and realizing that I do this ( what they do to myself) and within that I can possibly offer some insight instead to judge and feel annoyed.

Opps - I just saw that I don’t want to have to be bothered to give them insight!

Shit - now what is that about…as I thought about this I went into annoyance again as backchat.

I will continue this.

Day 21: Investigating Reaction to Loss

Today we found that something had taken one of the mothering Banty Chickens.

 We could not find her but found some of her feathers. It might have been a hawk or eagle.

I was trying to be aware of my feelings during this discovery. I was sad, as only the day before she was with her chicks teaching them how to find food on the ground. I felt sad for her, I imagined that she was in fear as this was happening. She was like a pet as well.

Then I imagined her being torn apart as what ever got her intended to eat her. I felt bad we were not there to maybe stop it; she was probably alone as she finally, after a week of mothering the chicks felt she could go out to the grassy area.

So what is my reaction? I am sort of numb; a feeling of powerlessness, all the care we took to protect the chickens from predators is not a guarantee that they will be safe.

I think this reflects our own vulnerability to death. We can be here today, and go tomorrow.

I am looking at life differently today. I am Looking At It, in silence; it all can be gone in a moment. I continue on with my day as I am Here to continue.  

I do not know or feel to do SF on how I am feeling - but to just acknowledge what I am feeling. I had a bit of sadness, some anger at how in this existence we need to kill other beings to survive. It is weird. It is just weird that we live in an existence of victims and predators.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe and or think that this is okay - to kill others for self-gain.

I forgive myself that because I was born into a world of victims and predators that I had to accepted and allow myself to make it be okay and thus allow the abuse we cause to each other as okay, the way it is, and thus to hide from this I have turned off feelings through entertainment and survival.

I dedicate myself to seeing and understanding the mind consciousness system for what it is within myself and to understand that within this, change for All is possible.