Day 104 Practical Perception and Interfering – Inner Fear

English: Aristotle's idea of perception (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had another shock from my friend –whom is sorta living with me. I agreed to watch Molly (her dog) while she was gone for 3 weeks, just to note I did receive payment for this, and Molly is really sweet). I talked to her the other day and she said she was staying another month.

My reaction at first was anger. I had a flood of backchat come rushing in.
Like I don’t want to watch Molly for another month. I was looking forward to have a break. She should have told me that it was going to be for a whole month longer. Then I went into the idea believe that I feel like I am being used. Pride issue’s came up, or maybe better to say self interest issues came up. One being that I am not being respected for what I want. That I do not want to have a dog to worry after. I already did that with my cat and other animals for 18yrs. It was amazing really as this flood of idea’s about who I “wanted’ to be came up. In Desteni we call these our made up personalities. I got to see how ridged I was. Meaning I had idea’s about how I wanted to live my life. I had what you can say as conditions to how I should and wanted to live.

So I started to then investigate these ideas I had. For example:
I “should” not have to be having the responsibility for a pet. I already did this.
Then I looked at my life – like – I looked into the future from the now. What am I doing with my life anyway? I had decided that I have enough chores and commitments going on to where I became ridged in that belief. And thus became resentful at my friend for not seeing this. Lol – But how can she know if I am not honest and do not tell her?
I mean I could of said no - but I felt guilty to say that. So I investigated that.
Do I really want to say no? Yes and no! I did want to say no, because I felt that I was being intruded upon, as a principle of pride. When I dropped the pride principle, I asked myself again, do I want to watch Molly for another month. And what came up was yes – I want to support my friend to do what she needs to do. I would want that for myself. To have someone who can help if I was in her situation.

So why do I call this practical perception. Because I can only perceive the outside world from within myself- meaning my world is made up of my beliefs. Did I want to perceive from the separate I – ego which was involving the idea that I need pride and what ever that meant to me, or did I want to perceive from another point of view. I realized that watching Molly for longer and helping my friend would not hurt me and that really it was not taking anything away from me. Which I had a perception in my mind of made up ideas/beliefs that this is interfering with my life!
Really how can anything interfere with life? Life is Life – it is only our ideas about it that would cause something we would call interfering - Inner –fear.
So I have made up these inner fears as believe and ideas of how and who I thought I wanted to be.
What a cool realization – real I seeing - for me - As it set me free from my limited perceptions.

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Day 101 Learning to Live as Patients

Duality of Mind (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is a "thought bubble". It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From: http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/who-i-am-as-patience.html

Where, such moment of ‘Impatience’ are actually moments where we come face-to-face with space and time, face-to-face with the movement of Physical Reality – but we’re not able to ‘handle it’, because of being used to the quantum time / fast-paced movement of our minds – thoughts/thinking/reacting/imagining that creates the illusion of everything happening ‘now, now, now’. Whereas, in physical reality: things move through sequences of events where one is dependent on others / other things to get things moving in the physical, but in the mind – we’re only dependent on our own thoughts/imaginations/reactions – that moves REALLY FAST. Read more at http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/who-i-am-as-patience.html

Wavering from my Scheduled

This is a hard one for me – as I do have so many quantum thoughts – many of them good ideas to get what needs to be done in the physical. But what happens then with me is I know I do not have the time to get to them all and I use that as a distraction as to what to actually do. So I am making a schedule – which I had done already – but I was not sticking to it. I would at times stick to it – but then I waiver.

It should not be this way

What is feels like and what goes through my mind as backchat is that life should not be this way. It should not be about daily schedules all the time. I hear my back chat saying, you will miss the spontaneity of life, which really means, doing what I want to do when I want. I always thought that was the goal for life – to get to a point where you can be free- and then you have made it! Lol. So to be honest, I really don’t know. Well now that I am thinking about it – it is really I do not want to let go of the idea of becoming free – even though I see now it is just an idea – meaning having a schedule and sticking to it, can also be seen as freedom!

What is Life

 Now I am hearing – okay you died – what did you do while alive in the physical – I had a schedule and stuck to it! Lol – Within this I am seeing that I think that life in the physical is a goal. Some kind of goal. Instead of just movement in the moment – without having to have a goal or meaning. Yet I truly believe that there must be a group change in consciousness, meaning that for us as humans I think we lost our true awareness – and replaced it – or allowed ourselves to only see in self interest and self importance and that is why we have a world of greed that is the cause of abuse in the world. And that we have to gather as a group and support each other to stop living/ accepting and allowing ourselves to live as the MCS, which only supports self interest as ego glorification.

So I am here getting my back chats written down, so I can see them, so I can stop accepting and allowing them as excuses.

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Day 99 Suppression or Standing?

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Not following the mind – is not fun  

Not following the mind – is not fun – following the mind give energetic experience that we perceive to be life – this is the hardest thing for me to accept as the mind loves attention. And when I say “me” it is the mind me that I am accepting and allowing.

The biggest Con

I am seeing that the biggest con that I follow is to allow myself to become scattered and confused as to what is important on a to do list. And as I start doing things I then tend to get many ideas that can support what I am doing, then I go off tract into a different direction instead to stay with one thing. Then I become overwhelmed and discouraged. There are times when I feel disciplined and I push through – but then what happens is I perceive that as a struggle – like I am struggling to keep disciplined and that it should not be that way – that I need a break from pushing myself – I need to let the mind go and follow its curiosity – which now that I think about it –is the idea of being free…So I as the mind think I am free when I can do what ever I want and being disciplined is lack of freedom. These are the excuses I get when I am thinking.


 Being a human feels like such a burden lately. And then I fear that I am even thinking that – as I give it power – these thoughts – but then My biggest deal so to speak – is that I don’t know the difference yet between suppressing a thought and thinking that I am standing up to it – but in reality it is festering to be seen.

Am I stable or not?

It has been two days since I wrote the above- and I am seeing the importance of getting these thoughts and emotions out in writing – I am addressing them – taking a look at them and investigating them within me. I am starting to see the difference between – not looking at something which I would think of as standing up – meaning I will not follow those thoughts and suppressing the thoughts. It is difficult though – the belief that you are not accepting and allowing these thoughts – and suppressing the thoughts. The only way I can tell is if I am still energetically responding or acting out = not stable – but even then I can lie to myself about it. Meaning I can think I am stable but I am really not…

I  forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use and follow the mind as scattered - thus allowing myself to be come confused and then not directing myself at all - through the idea and belief of fear of not knowing what to do when. Thus I allow myself to become distracted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I need a reward for when I push through - but that reward is counter productive to what i have just done!

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe life is a burden because I believe that I have so many choices that I accept and allow myself to become confused and overwhelmed at what is most important - thus using the excuse of fear of not doing "the right thing first."

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Day 96 Imagined Mind Conflicts

Desteni Artists

by Jessie

I have noticed that when I am in my mind/imagination going over things, talking to myself in the mind, especially like trying to explain myself, my thoughts, to someone or something, I am talking to someone, something else in my imagination, that I feeling like it is confrontation - and I notice that I get very stiff, my arms and shoulder become ridged and tight. It is like I am defending myself to some imaginary other being, or myself..... hm... Am I defending myself to myself?

Wow I just did it now, as I was trying to explain myself to myself. I tightened up physical in my body as in defensive mode. Why can I not have a conversation with myself without becoming or feeling defensive? Ah I just did it again as I was re-reading this, tensing up because I am trying to express myself in words. Ah I noticed it again when I am thinking - especially when I am thinking about what to say as words, as writing. What is it? Fear of confrontation; fear that I can not explain myself to where one will understand? Fear of exposing myself?

OMG- I think This is what Bernard meant when he talked about the policeman in your head! Yes that is what it feels like - I am always policing my thoughts defending my thoughts to the policeman! lol wow. I never saw this before - If I had not noticed that I am most always tightening up my body when I am thinking and questioned this I would have not understood. Thanks Body - lol
This is very interesting - every time I think my body tenses up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own thoughts to the point where I become defensive with myself. haha - that sounds bazaar!

I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized until now that when ever I am thinking as conversations within my mind/imagination that I have been tensing up my body where I now notice it especially in tightening up of my arms and shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my thoughts as one of expression and one of defense where in my expression in and as thoughts especially words are taken as or come from the starting point of defending myself.

Wherein this may be my resistance towards writing, because I feel that I have to defend my expression as words, thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and stress when I have to write.

I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing myself to fear I can not express what I am wanting to say and thus will be judged.

Fear of Expressing as Words

I am seeing now that this fear manifested as a child, when wanting to express myself through words that I had to most always defend myself. As many times I was punished by parent and teachers for not using words correctly, or being reprimanded, saying I was wrong for thinking like that, and or I was made fun of by other children for the words I spoke, and I am sure I was guilty of doing the same to others.

Thus when I see or notice myself tensing up I realize that I am in the mind as imagination and self confrontation within the polarity swing of good or bad self conversations and the tension is the fear of thinking something wrong, policing my own thoughts , I stop breathe, and drop and relax my shoulders and arms, and become stable and present here as life, not emotions or feelings.

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Day 86 Debating in our Heads

Got It on My Mind (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Going over and over again in our head over old Hurts. 

This is what I found when I kept bringing up old hurts or wrongs:
What we tend to do in life is hold onto things where we have felt were done TO US.

Thus we keep recreating a situation over and over again in our mind of how someone did us wrong.
Even when it might have been 2 days ago a week ago and even years and years ago. We live this scene and over again in our mind wondering why someone would do that to us.
We have this day, this time, and all is well, nothing really going on – and we will go live those scenes again… Why?
It is like the imagination of it is stored as a picture or movie in our mind and we keep watching the same movie.
What is interesting is this drama or experience is over – done with – in this moment it is not even happening – why do we keep recreating it over and over again in our minds? What are we wanting from this? What purpose are we looking for? It feels like we are trying to prove something at times. What are we wanting to prove? And why do we want to prove it over and over again? It is quite interesting how we will say I am not into drama in my life – but one will keep recreating in their mind something that is done and over with – One must ask – then – who is creating this drama now?

For some reason in our minds we have to always be right (Here we live in and as the paranoia of being wrong) – so we will go over and over something in our head trying to prove to ourself we are right. Well – so what.. Where does that get us, to keep dwelling on these things? Tell the mind to shut up! Lol And move on – be present HERE,out of the mind dwelling, and live life in the physical.
If these things keep coming up, keep coming back- You then have to ask yourself – why is it so important to me to always be right – Find out what you fear about being wrong….what do you fear about losing if you are wrong…..

Write it all out – so you can see the fear that you are defending and understand this is ego, ego wants to always be right and will continually defend itself in the mind. Maybe it is the fear to be the/a victim? Ask your self what it is you are fearing. What if you didn’t fear being a victim? Would you then keep dwelling on it? What if you didn’t fear being wrong or want to be right. Would you care anymore about it?
It is also about the fear of others judging you – what if you didn’t care what others thought about you? Would you then be debating with them in your mind? Are you always judging others in your mind? It is because you fear or think they are judging you in theirs minds?

When it comes up again write SF on all your fears and then– Breathe – say this is ego/mind – and do not accepted and allowing yourself to engage with these repeating thoughts that do not serve you in anyway that is tangible to life.

Make a commitment to SELF –

When I saw and realized that I did not want to live this way anymore – where I am a victim of my own thinking – I made a commitment to myself to learn to see, understand and become the directive principle of my life.
I made a commitment to learn how to stop living as mind memories – Once you make this commitment you are now saying you are willing to change and willing to learn. It will take many times falling – and getting back up – but falling and getting back up at least is not failing.
 

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Day 70 Desteni Review - Are you in, or are you out?

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English: A logo of the band "paradigm Shift" (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is a new way emerging from the Desteni Group - One that supports all of life on this planet. And will define who we are becoming if we allow it.

Desteni is paving the way for a paradigm shift. This will only happen when people actually change. We have never really had a paradigm shift yet as humans. We did not/do not quite understand what love means yet. We think it is a “feel good” feeling that happens in our mind as imagination. Yet as we look out into the state of existence on this world there is still and has always been much abuse going on towards others and nature. 

Funny because nature is what supports us here – yet we exploit it and humans to make profit, not caring about anything except what we want. We as a group called humans are still doing this.

Desteni has been investigating all areas where we allow abuse, so we may become aware of it within ourselves and the world. Without this awareness as the first step – nothing will change. People fear to see the abuse – thus they go into a “love” feeling within their mind, thinking that because they are experiencing this feeling it is making a difference. But what they do not understand is that this is actually supporting what is really going on as abuse – because being in ones mind and actual change are two different things.

And if you are really willing to see yourself honestly – you can see that going into Love within your mind only, without a practical solution or supporting a practical solution that will benefit all of life, is really in self interest. Meaning you are only serving Yourself by hiding within your mind – so you may “feel good” and not have to doing anything, not have to take responsibly to make an actual change. 

I have been involved with the Desteni group for 5 years now and it has not been easy. By that I mean to actually see, to what extent abuse is going on in existence will blow your comfort bubble for sure! But for me I have been asking the question why have we not as humans evolved yet beyond abuse? And the short answer is because no one wants to see it!! We have been actually supporting abuse by defending our reasons why we won’t look at it or why we think abuse will not change.

I am sorry to say that religions are one of the biggest culprits of this. The religions that say there is an after life where you will be rewarded. So do not question what is here – Just love god or Jesus and you will be fine when you die! And you may even be rewarded while you are on earth if you pray hard enough. Most religions are set up by humans to explain something they don't understand or what they think can not change. Or they are set up on purpose, so people will not change and believe themselves to be slaves of circumstances. This way those that want power will use different types of religions to subdue people. 

Desteni is not an exclusive club, cult or organization. Anyone who is ready to love life into existence is welcome. Our definition of Loving life into existence is from Jesus teachings. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. We are starting this from the stand point of – let’s look at what we need for survival first. All need food – so we give food to all. All need shelter so we give shelter to all. All need proper health and education services so we give that to all. All needs nature to survive so we give to and support nature. It is really SO BASICALLY common sense – that it is amazing we are missing it!

We need to evolve beyond defending believes that do not support All of Life.
Meaning now most of us defend this system that we have now, we defend the way we think about it as opinions. Thus in this way we are actually defending starvation and abuse. Once we stop that and start to redefine this system/world through the written words as practical solutions and start living them, we will have our new world paradigm.

This is exactly what Desteni is promoting to all of humanity. By developing through the written word a system, a creed, a way of life for us to adhere to that will bring about a new human. The platform, the Principle to change ourselves is to start Living the words as a question – Is this Best For All? Are we living the words “Do unto others as you would have done unto you? Because what is best for all, is best for us, and what is best for us, is best for all. If it is best for me to have food – then it is best for all to have food. Is it best for all for you to have food and shelter and another not? 

All of humanity that is ready to end the acceptance and allowance of abuse can join us in the beginning platform that is called Equal Money Capitalism (I call it CapitALLism). Though there is a lot of controversy about this- what is it called and other objections it does not matter – as the written word for change has to start somewhere. The more people support this the sooner the change will happen. Are you in, or are you out?

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Day 46 Judging Self

Friday, October 12, 2012

I forgive myself that I have stressed out myself so much that I fear I am getting weak in the lungs and heart
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into fear about the things I have to do
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people think about me when I am doing something I don’t think they will approve off.

Saturday, October 13, 2012 

Not knowing what to write about.

I just realized that about writing a blog I was using the excuse that I don’t know what I should write about – I mean I have lots to write about – and that is what was confusing me to the point where I just did not want to figure it out, what one to write about that I said to myself I will do it later – and then the days went by with me writing nothing.

What I saw this morning is it is not important what to write, see I thought it should be coherent, following an order of some sort. What I was thinking about is what others would think if they read it. Like gee, she is all over the place. And just as I am writing this I felt a reaction within me. Wow – cool to finally acknowledge it. The reaction was physical tightening of the body, my face crunched as in a fear that others will judge what I write. This is the point I have to break through as Sunette is walking in her blogs. It is “The RESISTANCE Point.”

So to re-cap for me –The resistance point is fear of what others will think – meaning I fear they will think my blog is not good enough, or what I wrote about is not good enough. The funny thing is people probably don’t even read it – But still I am putting myself out there on the internet.
With this said – I am going to stop with this writing as I want to finish up with my mother and hair posts.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse it is too confusing to know what to write about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse I don’t have time to write because I don’t know what to write about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as to what I write

When and if I see myself procrastinating about writing and I am using the excuse I am afraid of what to post because I will be judged for being all over the place, I stop and breath in the moment and just write and post, and I stop accepting and allowing myself to believe that excuse.

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Day 42 Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past

Since I have so many things going on in my mind that I “think” I can’t make a choice on what to submit for my blog – I am going to stick with one thing for now.

Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past 

>>>>>She did not see me
Also as I got older Mom always was worried about what I was wearing and how my hair looked. I would come into the kitchen and she would say is that what you are wearing, do something with your hair. I felt like a thing/ not a person that she needed to show off so she could feel good.
Because mom kept doing this to me (bugging me about how I looked or acted – instead to really talk to me, I never could really talk to her, because she did not see me - she just saw a “daughter” that she wanted to make in her image so she would get approval of her peers. It was like she didn’t even want to get to know me at all, she just wanted me to look good for others, so she would look good.

Never talk to her again
Time In Lexington

This made me an angry kid and this went on all the time. One time I remember (Time in Lexington) I wanted to talk to Mom about something important to me, as I started to talk, she said something like “honey are you going to do something with your hair” - she did not even hear me or want to hear me - This was about when I was a young teen around 12 or 13, I became so angry, it was like that time the scales where tipped - this happened so often, that day I vowed to never talk to her again - and I didn’t. What I mean by that is I never shared anything with her about me, she was just this person I had to live with, who I had to ask to do things. Like I want to go to my friend’s house, stuff like that. She never knew me.

[[[Note – Later on in my life during that time in Lexington I did not realize what was happing to her. She was pregnant and my father was cheating on her – he had a girlfriend and I took her anger as being with me, something I must have done…. Sad I did not know this and carried the anger at her for all those years.]]]

We mostly argued - a lot. Every time I asked her “why”, like why cant I do that, she would just say, because I said so. I wanted explanations, so I could learn and understand.
I felt she did not see me as anything that deserved and explanation, and in my mind she was the enemy now, just something I had to endure until I got older and could move out of the house.

Disclaimer:
Please understand that these writings are not about "complaining about my childhood." Or about blaming what I perceived as others doing something to me. I am writing my experiences that we unconsciously carry with us into our lives so we may see where we hold blame, judgment, self insecurity and anger and to come to an understanding that this is not who we are - but who we have believed we are. Within this with self forgiveness and corrective application we can change the very nature of ourselves to one of a dignified Life and not be directed emotionally.

To be continued...

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Day 36:Addiction to the Mind

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself that I did not understand that the mind is a program that produces thoughts of polarity – of feeling good and feeling bad and within this I have become addicted to the thoughts in my mind of believing in knowledge as the high – as that I am doing something just by having the knowledge/a thought and thus not actually changing myself in/as the physical expression of LIFE, but living in my mind as life.

Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe and be addicted to the mind/thoughts as what is real.

Within this I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to look for the mind as comfort searching for thoughts that make me “feel good” instead to stand here in and as the physical. And thus within this I am also accepted and allowing myself to be addicted to thoughts of feeling good that also cause thoughts of self pity and self judgment thus I am living within my mind a constant battle.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in “The Know” there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination – where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

I forgive myself that I have become addicted to the mind as through thinking so much that I fear I cannot be known unless I think.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the worrier and within this I forgive myself that I did not see or understand that the worrier is an addiction to thinking, as I use the polarity of thinking of the bad so I can create something good and fear that if I do not worry and think it out that I am not in control.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in The Know there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical.

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

Fears: I forgive myself that I have not realized that i have had fear to stop the mind as knowledge, thinking/believing that I could not exist because I would not be recognized if I did not have knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have feared not being recognized unless I have knowledge and information - thus living my goal to become "wise" so I could feel that I am alive - thus this become an addiction

When and If I see myself wanting to "think" as justification of my existence and thus use it as a reason not to doing something HERE as the physical I stop these thoughts and move as action with and as the physical and realize I do not need knowledge as thoughts to exist and validate myself.

When as as I see myself wanting to think as Existential crisis - wanting to find a reason why I exist - why I should be here and act/move I stop and realize these are programmed thoughts of "Resistance to Life" and I realize these thoughts are not mine and that trying to figure out who I am and what I am suppose to do is a distraction from/of Life

Further - I realize these thoughts are programmed anyway - I am programmed to be CON- FUSED about life - thus it will be so - unless I stop this con within myself as I will program myself to like who I am as LIFE as I like and enjoy learning how to live Life as what is best for ALL-Thus with this I con the con- to my advantage.

When and if I go into backchat about who I am and what I am doing here that causes con-fusion I remember and live the quote by Bernard: What do you know, you know you can trust. Because right now, you are trusting the world, you are trusting the system. So what do you do? You take that trust and place it as trust in a New World. Where you now trust separation you move your trust to a World of Equality that’s Best for All.

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