Day 36:Addiction to the Mind

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself that I did not understand that the mind is a program that produces thoughts of polarity – of feeling good and feeling bad and within this I have become addicted to the thoughts in my mind of believing in knowledge as the high – as that I am doing something just by having the knowledge/a thought and thus not actually changing myself in/as the physical expression of LIFE, but living in my mind as life.

Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe and be addicted to the mind/thoughts as what is real.

Within this I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to look for the mind as comfort searching for thoughts that make me “feel good” instead to stand here in and as the physical. And thus within this I am also accepted and allowing myself to be addicted to thoughts of feeling good that also cause thoughts of self pity and self judgment thus I am living within my mind a constant battle.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in “The Know” there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination – where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

I forgive myself that I have become addicted to the mind as through thinking so much that I fear I cannot be known unless I think.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the worrier and within this I forgive myself that I did not see or understand that the worrier is an addiction to thinking, as I use the polarity of thinking of the bad so I can create something good and fear that if I do not worry and think it out that I am not in control.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to gaining knowledge as thoughts to define who I am as being a person in The Know there for validating myself and my existence as a person of knowledge and thus really abdicating responsibly for life in and as the physical.

Thus in this addiction to/with thinking/gaining knowledge also comes addiction to imagination where I imagine to be the knowledge that I gain

Fears: I forgive myself that I have not realized that i have had fear to stop the mind as knowledge, thinking/believing that I could not exist because I would not be recognized if I did not have knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have feared not being recognized unless I have knowledge and information - thus living my goal to become "wise" so I could feel that I am alive - thus this become an addiction

When and If I see myself wanting to "think" as justification of my existence and thus use it as a reason not to doing something HERE as the physical I stop these thoughts and move as action with and as the physical and realize I do not need knowledge as thoughts to exist and validate myself.

When as as I see myself wanting to think as Existential crisis - wanting to find a reason why I exist - why I should be here and act/move I stop and realize these are programmed thoughts of "Resistance to Life" and I realize these thoughts are not mine and that trying to figure out who I am and what I am suppose to do is a distraction from/of Life

Further - I realize these thoughts are programmed anyway - I am programmed to be CON- FUSED about life - thus it will be so - unless I stop this con within myself as I will program myself to like who I am as LIFE as I like and enjoy learning how to live Life as what is best for ALL-Thus with this I con the con- to my advantage.

When and if I go into backchat about who I am and what I am doing here that causes con-fusion I remember and live the quote by Bernard: What do you know, you know you can trust. Because right now, you are trusting the world, you are trusting the system. So what do you do? You take that trust and place it as trust in a New World. Where you now trust separation you move your trust to a World of Equality that’s Best for All.

Related articles

• Day 134: Consequence of another Fear

Day 20: Dieing as a Searcher for Knowledge and Validation - Living as Trust

Self Forgiveness for Previous Days Post: 

I forgive myself that I did not know or understand that seeking knowledge was an attempt to validate myself as a person/being that would have worth because of knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for and gain knowledge as a way to validate my existence. And within this I became obsessed as a seeker wanting more and more as I was trying to understand who I was, why I was here and what I was suppose to do, not seeing that I was giving away myself, my power, my life to something, someone else that can tell me who I was. Thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not TRUST me, but look outside of myself for something to trust.

Yesterday after I wrote the previous Blog I stumbled on this in my DIP account. A note from Sunette - This was a year ago! >> Sunette Spies (Moderator) commented:

Adele - you see the points quite clearly and specifically, all you require is realising that you can in fact trust you; that it's all in fact about you, trusting you and seeing, realising that you do have insight into points clearly and so are already standing on your own two feet - quite stable. All that requires in the "equation" of self-acceptance and finally living that trust absolute = Is You!  

I am amazed that I did not see this - That I did not understand this at all. I did not know what trusting myself meant! lol - I have been blinded by wanting to please others to gain THEIR TRUST - thinking and believing that this would give me my trust…All the time doing things to get approval/trust from others thinking/believing that without it I could not exist, that I would be nothing of value without someone else noticing/validating me.

I forgive myself that because I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation outside of myself that I have caused great stress within my being through the feeling and believing of unworthiness. As I was always in my starting point of action/doing seeing a future project of being accepted in the eyes of another, and along with this future projection of hoping for approval was the constant fear of not getting it. Thus I forgive myself that I did not see or understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to be living a life of fear everyday as most all my actions had a starting point of projection for acceptance.  

I forgive myself that because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed validation through getting knowledge so I can give it to others was in fact an action to seek validation that I have cause much stress to my physical body, I have hurt and abused my physical body through have fear of non acceptance. I have shorten my breathing as one would hold there breath when in fear - I have been slowly doing this to my body over all these years as it got worse as I am not older.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause damage to my wonderful body who has provided me with a space to experience life, not seeing or realizing the damage I caused because I was so in the mind - thinking, contriving to find ways to get validation - I had not respect at all for the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how important the body is, as a gift of life as ME, I did not see the body as me - but as something else outside of me. Thus I forgive myself that I did not see this.

I now see how I was doing this to myself - how I was not trusting myself - thus when the feeling of stress comes which is a fear of not being approved when I do an action - I stop in that moment I realize I am in stress - I breath and know that I trust myself - I trust Life as Me and know I can do nothing wrong - As it is The Ego that creates right and wrong. Not Life.

Day 19 Who would I be If I Died Right Now?

I have different titles for this blog -

What can I say about myself if I died right now?

Who would I be If I Died Right Now?

Dieing as information and knowledge

Dieing as an Unfulfilled Searcher

My funeral, I have been dead.

I have been going through a lot of intense… backchat - self judgment and guilt. I had a what I call a melt down - that is when (I see this meaning now) I give up and just have to sob and sob and with that the mind stops for a bit.

During this melt down, I asked myself who would I be if I DIED right now. What can I say my life was about? What came up is - Adele you would die as a searcher, and have never known life because you are always searching for something. I see that I have ALWAYS - my whole life searched for knowledge and information - that this was my driving force - I have read every spiritual book and physics, and cosmos and religion theologians, on and on - and I saw that I am doing it still!  The tears and melt down came from knowledge and information over load - and just wanting to hear words, more and more, and not DO, not BE, not LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have lived a compete life of wanting, searching for information to make me feel secure. I wanted THE ANSWER. Funny thing is I was given the answer many, many times, but it was too simple, there had to be more! It was an obsession with me - an addiction - to know the truth, all of it, to the point that I was not living, but searching for more and more - I was grasping for everything I could get my hands on.

The next day after the melt down - I saw what I was and it scared me, an information junky obsessed with wanting more knowledge in the hopes that I can finally figure out who I was. I felt fear - ashamed that this is me. This is what I have been my whole life.  And that within this - I felt broken, I felt there was no where else to turn…all these years of searching for information - finding a zillion answers, here I was - NOTHING but an unfulfilled searcher who if I died now I really did nothing.  Then I heard myself, some part of me say, “Adele you forgot to trust yourself.” wow - I must of heard this I do not know how many times before - but now - I see what that means. Within those words I saw that I always judged EVERYTHING I DO through COMPARISON to something else. 

Thus everything I do had a fear behind it, of judgment. Thus the endless search for something to make me feel good about me - I had to find it OUT THERE, out side of me, because I simply did not Trust myself. I was always afraid to make decisions - though I did make them, underneath I felt I always had to Defend them - to say I want you to know what I am doing is right - I wanted OTHERS to know it was right. Thus still seeking, searching for self-validation through others. This is my life, and with more knowledge and information adding up as a false sense of Self.

At this point today as I am writing this I am in somber awe. Yes it is like being at a funeral. My funeral, I have been dead.

The day after I heard to trust myself - I lived that day in trust - instead of judging every movement (which by the way was killing me - my fear to even move because of self judgment become so great I was dieing - which I had to do- to see)

I had a day free of guilt, I do not know if I have ever had a day like this before, I did not become exuberant within this, or glorified it - it was just an awareness of thoughts coming to judge - and I said, I trust LIFE as Me - I - the EGO I does not know what life is, and the trust has to come outside of the EGO which wants to judge everything.

So what I saw was, I was living as EGO - which is afraid of Being HERE, afraid of living. I also that day for maybe the first time was able to sit in quiet during part of the day as the sun was going down, I sat in silence and was guilt free - when I tried to sit in silence before - I felt guilt for not doing something!

And when trust is not HERE - ego is.

I will give an example: I have a thought to do something, then something else, then something else, and now I have all of these thoughts. Which one should I do first? Is that one important - I don’t want to do that - I rather do this, but what about that, and so on and so on. I was driving myself crazy. Now when those thought come - I realize that I CAN NOT MAKE A MISTAKE and now I can MOVE without fear. This is how I see the saying TRUST YOURSELF. Because even if I do something that does not turn out - say maybe for the best - I have just learned how to either do it different - or it is of no concern, meaning I stopped judging how it/what I do turns out.