Day 85 If I Died Now Who can I say I Was?

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

This is a continuation from the post Change Before You Die!

I have been listening to some of the Life Reviews that Desteni has on Eqafe  –where a person who dies tells of their life they lived on earth. And until Desteni, where I am now learning to how to stop living as polarity thoughts of good, bad and what can be called paranoid thinking, I could sum up who and what I have lived as. When you die it is not about the things you did, but about why you did them - your starting point. And as we are seeing everything we do comes from some sort of paranoid thinking – though many will not see it as that – yet. To get an idea about how we live in the polarity swing of fear of right and wrong as paranoia please see this blog posts about paranoia and the 3 before them.

Okay now my life review from my own understanding of how I have lived my life. The way you do this is to learn how to become self honest in that you can see what your true starting point is in doing anything you do in life. Thus when I look back on my life before I started conscious process, it would have been this: (Note – I am not saying I am done with this – but I got to see clearly how I have been living as my starting point and thus now have the opportunity to change)

This seeing came through as a result of doing the Desteni IProcess where I was doing a mind construct on my mother and that I never felt she was proud of me. Where in I got from the “happy family” TV shows of that time that a mother should be beaming at you with pride as being proud of you. Since I felt I did not get that from my mom, I had created a whole world where I was looking for approval.

Thus this is what I believed - (In the Self Forgiveness format):

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed a visual from a TV show where the mother was smiling huge at her daughter in a “loving” way because she was proud of something that she did and this show was really a propaganda for families suppose to be showing the perfect mother and father and how happy they become when their children do something they approve of. Thus I believed that because I felt my mother was hardly ever proud of me that I can remember I felt that I did not have the perfect mother and I started to became resentful, frustrated and spiteful toward her and blamed her for not being proud of me, when in I then carried that idea and believe that someone has to be proud of you to be special. There for I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel special by love from my mother and went through life thinking I had to prove myself, and looking for approval. Thus I stopped looking/wanting approval from my mother because I became frustrated and felt constant rejection and became resentful instead. But within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want and try to get it from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea/program that I need approval from others to be special. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my existence to be one of looking for approval because I thought and believed that, that made you/one special. And thus within this idea/believe I was secretly accepting and allowing myself to become resentful at life because in my mind everything I did I was hoping for approval and thus lived in a constant fear of not being liked or approved of, to the point where I would compare myself to others to see if they were getting approval and then try to be like them.

This is who and what I thought I should be:

SCS

When and if I am doing something I stop and breath and check myself for the starting point “Am I doing this with the idea and fear that it might not be approved of when in my secrete mind I will imagination someone not liking it or judging it – I will come up with visions in my mind of my mother or father or brother or an acquaintance or teacher or boss or friend and in my mind I wonder if I will get kudos or not and I fear it. I have this fear that I wont be approved of and when I am not I get frustrated and feel that I am doing something wrong and it is like I get angry at life, like life should like me, like it is up to me to get people to like me. If I don’t do that something is wrong. Ah I see it now It is the vision of a smile on someone face that I am looking for – like the smile from the TV show from the mother that is saying –“You did good!” wow – lol okay It is like have I caused you to have sunshine in your life – I want you to smile and be happy and I can say I made you happy. I actually thought it was my job to make people happy, and if I did not, I felt that I failed life. I thought the good life was the happy TV family and that is what god or life wanted from us, so I would try to do that.  (note – I did not try with my mother because I felt she always rejected me – but I then looked for it anywhere else)

This is what and who I would have died as my life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things just so I could get approval from them when in I would manipulate myself in my own mind to find ways to do things so that I would be liked/approved of, be accepted. And then later in life I would do dangerous things, like walk the streets of NYC late at night in unsafe areas to prove to myself that I could do it. I went to all the places you were not suppose to go and did all the things –taboo things you were not suppose to do and this gave me a thrill, where I would be proud of myself because I would do things others were afraid to do and I ended up becoming a hero in my own mind. Lol  To me at that time it was fun – living on the edge and getting away with it, going against the norm of society, going against what society says you must/should do. And I found people who thought this was cool – who approved. I am still smiling now that I think about all the things I did that went against what a mother would want for her child. Lol I wanted to prove to myself that I would be okay not following the rules and not be approved of by my mother. I went and lived in one of the poorest parts of NYC and made friends with the people there where others were even afraid to visit. I was befriending the outcasts. To say to the world (my mother – though she never knew about the things that I did – it would of devastated her – I kept my spite towards her believes in my secret mind) that all things deserve to be investigated and looked at so one can make up their own mind about things. (My mother wanted me to live in her make believe perfect world that I knew was a lie)

I would have died a person who felt and believed that my mission was to be liked and in that I would of felt like I failed because I was making it my starting point of existence/existing as. The energetic experience of “doing good” and the search to be “proud of myself” Thus accomplishing nothing substantial but a mind experience of some sort of self gratification.

This is my Understanding now:

Within all this that I did, I see and understand that I was just looking out for myself that I wanted to give myself approval, that I wanted to live in a way I could be proud of. And within this all at the end of this proving to myself – I finally ended up defeated and depressed. When in I had seen in the world that everyone is suffering, everyone is trying to find something and fit in somewhere and that it was all delusions. I just did not know what life wanted from me, I did not know what to do anymore, as I was living from/for energy and it was running out. The energy belief that I must find something where in I am special. Thus living in constant polarity of feeling good, not feeling good >> -> I want ______

->-> if I don’t get what I want

->->-> I blame

->->-> I feel frustrated

->->->-> I manipulate to get what I want

->->if I get what I want

->->-> I am satisfied.

This is the solution:

 

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to want to be proud of myself where in I would look for energy experience that I could feed off of to feel special and then when that high was over it felt like I had to do it again and I would blame life when that feeling stopped where in I felt frustrated and then I would manipulate myself within my mind to say something is wrong and then create a situation where in I could feel good about myself and feel satisfied for a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in self interest looking for ways to be proud of myself instead to live life as what is best for all as my starting point. 

SCS

When I see myself wanting to do something for the energetic experience of being proud of myself instead to do something because it is the right thing to do I stop and breath and realize that this uses energy that is feeding off the physical body to create an energetic polarity experience of wanting to be proud of myself so that I can feel validation as a less than, more than idea/belief

I commit to myself to stop living as a reason to be proud and instead to live as a reason to do what is best for all. 

Also see this other journey to life blog
<< How to stop being a people pleaser >> http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2013/05/how-to-stop-being-people-pleaser-day-402.html

Join Desteni I Process Pro http://desteniiprocess.com/
or Desteni I Process Lite offered at the top of the page
 

For reading on an alternative to the current Capitalistic System:
Equal Money Capitalism http://economistjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-162-equal-money-capitalism-way.html#.UadEl0A3Adk
 
and

The Equal Money System http://equalmoney.org/
as well as:
The Equal Life Foundation - Bill of Rights: http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/equal-life/

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Day 19 Who would I be If I Died Right Now?

I have different titles for this blog -

What can I say about myself if I died right now?

Who would I be If I Died Right Now?

Dieing as information and knowledge

Dieing as an Unfulfilled Searcher

My funeral, I have been dead.

I have been going through a lot of intense… backchat - self judgment and guilt. I had a what I call a melt down - that is when (I see this meaning now) I give up and just have to sob and sob and with that the mind stops for a bit.

During this melt down, I asked myself who would I be if I DIED right now. What can I say my life was about? What came up is - Adele you would die as a searcher, and have never known life because you are always searching for something. I see that I have ALWAYS - my whole life searched for knowledge and information - that this was my driving force - I have read every spiritual book and physics, and cosmos and religion theologians, on and on - and I saw that I am doing it still!  The tears and melt down came from knowledge and information over load - and just wanting to hear words, more and more, and not DO, not BE, not LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have lived a compete life of wanting, searching for information to make me feel secure. I wanted THE ANSWER. Funny thing is I was given the answer many, many times, but it was too simple, there had to be more! It was an obsession with me - an addiction - to know the truth, all of it, to the point that I was not living, but searching for more and more - I was grasping for everything I could get my hands on.

The next day after the melt down - I saw what I was and it scared me, an information junky obsessed with wanting more knowledge in the hopes that I can finally figure out who I was. I felt fear - ashamed that this is me. This is what I have been my whole life.  And that within this - I felt broken, I felt there was no where else to turn…all these years of searching for information - finding a zillion answers, here I was - NOTHING but an unfulfilled searcher who if I died now I really did nothing.  Then I heard myself, some part of me say, “Adele you forgot to trust yourself.” wow - I must of heard this I do not know how many times before - but now - I see what that means. Within those words I saw that I always judged EVERYTHING I DO through COMPARISON to something else. 

Thus everything I do had a fear behind it, of judgment. Thus the endless search for something to make me feel good about me - I had to find it OUT THERE, out side of me, because I simply did not Trust myself. I was always afraid to make decisions - though I did make them, underneath I felt I always had to Defend them - to say I want you to know what I am doing is right - I wanted OTHERS to know it was right. Thus still seeking, searching for self-validation through others. This is my life, and with more knowledge and information adding up as a false sense of Self.

At this point today as I am writing this I am in somber awe. Yes it is like being at a funeral. My funeral, I have been dead.

The day after I heard to trust myself - I lived that day in trust - instead of judging every movement (which by the way was killing me - my fear to even move because of self judgment become so great I was dieing - which I had to do- to see)

I had a day free of guilt, I do not know if I have ever had a day like this before, I did not become exuberant within this, or glorified it - it was just an awareness of thoughts coming to judge - and I said, I trust LIFE as Me - I - the EGO I does not know what life is, and the trust has to come outside of the EGO which wants to judge everything.

So what I saw was, I was living as EGO - which is afraid of Being HERE, afraid of living. I also that day for maybe the first time was able to sit in quiet during part of the day as the sun was going down, I sat in silence and was guilt free - when I tried to sit in silence before - I felt guilt for not doing something!

And when trust is not HERE - ego is.

I will give an example: I have a thought to do something, then something else, then something else, and now I have all of these thoughts. Which one should I do first? Is that one important - I don’t want to do that - I rather do this, but what about that, and so on and so on. I was driving myself crazy. Now when those thought come - I realize that I CAN NOT MAKE A MISTAKE and now I can MOVE without fear. This is how I see the saying TRUST YOURSELF. Because even if I do something that does not turn out - say maybe for the best - I have just learned how to either do it different - or it is of no concern, meaning I stopped judging how it/what I do turns out.

Day 5: Hospice For My Dad

My brother and I had a meeting with Hospice for my Dad today. He is in a nursing home and has pretty much stopped eating. He is coherent but is becoming very quiet. He is 90yrs old. Have so much to say about it that I don't know what to say! 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not knowing what to say or where to begin. The truth is I dont have the time to write everything I am thinking and feeling at this time.
I am also not feeling very well. I have cold or flu symptoms.
I wonder about resistance. Meaning I am not sure at times what is resistance and what is just a time to rest?
When I want to stop should I because it is time to rest or am I being lazy? Hmm. I usually am always pushing myself to get things done, and I allow myself time in the evening to relax a bit before going to bed.

Back to the topic. Is is sad to watch my dad die. Because he looks sad. I think he is genuinely  pissed that he can not move like he use too and has nothing to live for anymore. He mentioned once about 3 or 4 months ago about dieing. I say it was okay to die. I think he wanted to know how I would feel if he died.
We got a little pamphlet about dealing with loved ones who are dieing, it says no one wants to die even if they say they do. So Dad will be gone from our lives soon.
How do I feel about that? I feel okay that he will be gone - the hard part is I think he doesn't want to go and is scared. So the hard part is watching him deal with his own death. I want him to die happy...lol!

Why am I laughing? Who dies happy? I dont know. He had a pretty good life. He worked hard but did pretty much what he wanted. He had food, a car, shelter a wife and girlfriend most of his life. In fact he started going down hill when he and his girlfriend were getting to old to do anything. His sex life was very important to him.
He didn't drink or drug, he just like working and sex. He had a better life than many of the starving and homeless that are half of our population. How do they die? I would think that if I was in there shoes with all the suffering that we as humanity has caused because we do not look out for others in suffering countries that I would want to die. I mean how much suffering goes on when there is nothing to eat?
Yet no one wants to die.
I will get back to this -