Friday, May 4, 2012

Day 14: Depression Turned Out to Be Regret

I have been feeling depressed a lot lately and I have been investigation what this might be about. I could not pin point it until yesterday. I knew it could not be from a specific reason - meaning like blaming it on something that happened because I know by now that we bounce around with good days and bad days, meaning something can happen to you on a day and you would see it as bad and another day the same thing could happen it it would not affect you at all. So I could not pin point what this feeling was really about.
Then it hit me as I was digging into my feelings and trying to see it in self honesty.
I was feeling and believing in regret for my life. For the things I thought and believed that were so called important to me to be/fulfill in my life. This takes on many forms of course but the one at this point was I thought I was not being all I could be from the perspective of create your own reality teachings. It was like a morning of all the dreams I had as a child and growing up - I was going to do this - I was going to be that . AND I saw I had this FEAR - that my time is coming to an end. I am older now - and my passion for these things are gone. NOW WHAT?? How do I life with out the passion I had before I turned 50 and saw that all my dreams were crashing?
I saw then that I was MOURNING that I was going to give up on these dreams!
But what was cool is that by now I knew that these dreams are not my own - they are given to us by the world as who and how we should be based on commercialism. Meaning I/we build up our life and how it should be lived by what others tell us is the right way or wrong way. Anyway this is extensive to go into all of that - but though Desteni and Desteni I Process I have seen many of this within me.
What I didn’t see that I was doing was still going into guilt and regret about by “dreams” being gone. Once I saw that, that is what I was holding onto - the depression stopped immediately because I knew it was bullshit! lol  I know the dreams we try so hard to fulfill our whole life and think we are failures if we don’t is not true. It is just something we went along with because we did not know any better.

I forgive myself that I was accepted and allowing myself to judge myself for not fulfilling my dreams, therefore within that self judgment I was becoming depressed, unable to move because I thought I had loss passion. But what was really happening is I was mourning the goodbye to these silly dreams that have kept me so busy all my life that I have forgotten how to LIVE HERE. That I had not been Living HERE in the present, with myself and life, but living for an imagined future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that life must be lived for a goal presented to us by society and commercialism and if I am not living that goal that I should not have self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I was really just morning a decision I had made to let go of living in this world as a slave to the mind consciousness system and thinking/fearing/believing that I was going to miss something, like the “perfect relationship” that if I did not have that  - I was not living the dream. Or becoming a greater life - to most that means manifesting what you want, money, gold, a house - without consideration of even wanting to live as life as what is best for all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lost my dreams I would lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have not seen that I had this fear of losing my dreams as myself and because of this I was becoming depresses and lethargic.

I am grateful to see this program within and when and if I see myself getting depressed I will stop and write to uncover the belief that I am hold about myself and my world and forgive myself, there for releasing myself from the programmed guilt and self blame as I know this is not who I am, but a program to keep me from being HERE, PRESENT as LIFE IN THE MOMENT.

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