Day 20: Dieing as a Searcher for Knowledge and Validation - Living as Trust

Self Forgiveness for Previous Days Post: 

I forgive myself that I did not know or understand that seeking knowledge was an attempt to validate myself as a person/being that would have worth because of knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for and gain knowledge as a way to validate my existence. And within this I became obsessed as a seeker wanting more and more as I was trying to understand who I was, why I was here and what I was suppose to do, not seeing that I was giving away myself, my power, my life to something, someone else that can tell me who I was. Thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not TRUST me, but look outside of myself for something to trust.

Yesterday after I wrote the previous Blog I stumbled on this in my DIP account. A note from Sunette - This was a year ago! >> Sunette Spies (Moderator) commented:

Adele - you see the points quite clearly and specifically, all you require is realising that you can in fact trust you; that it's all in fact about you, trusting you and seeing, realising that you do have insight into points clearly and so are already standing on your own two feet - quite stable. All that requires in the "equation" of self-acceptance and finally living that trust absolute = Is You!  

I am amazed that I did not see this - That I did not understand this at all. I did not know what trusting myself meant! lol - I have been blinded by wanting to please others to gain THEIR TRUST - thinking and believing that this would give me my trust…All the time doing things to get approval/trust from others thinking/believing that without it I could not exist, that I would be nothing of value without someone else noticing/validating me.

I forgive myself that because I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation outside of myself that I have caused great stress within my being through the feeling and believing of unworthiness. As I was always in my starting point of action/doing seeing a future project of being accepted in the eyes of another, and along with this future projection of hoping for approval was the constant fear of not getting it. Thus I forgive myself that I did not see or understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to be living a life of fear everyday as most all my actions had a starting point of projection for acceptance.  

I forgive myself that because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed validation through getting knowledge so I can give it to others was in fact an action to seek validation that I have cause much stress to my physical body, I have hurt and abused my physical body through have fear of non acceptance. I have shorten my breathing as one would hold there breath when in fear - I have been slowly doing this to my body over all these years as it got worse as I am not older.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause damage to my wonderful body who has provided me with a space to experience life, not seeing or realizing the damage I caused because I was so in the mind - thinking, contriving to find ways to get validation - I had not respect at all for the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how important the body is, as a gift of life as ME, I did not see the body as me - but as something else outside of me. Thus I forgive myself that I did not see this.

I now see how I was doing this to myself - how I was not trusting myself - thus when the feeling of stress comes which is a fear of not being approved when I do an action - I stop in that moment I realize I am in stress - I breath and know that I trust myself - I trust Life as Me and know I can do nothing wrong - As it is The Ego that creates right and wrong. Not Life.