What can I say about myself if I died right now?
Who would I be If I Died Right Now?
Dieing as information and knowledge
Dieing as an Unfulfilled Searcher
My funeral, I have been dead.
I have been going through a lot of intense… backchat - self
judgment and guilt. I had a what I call a melt down - that is when (I see this
meaning now) I give up and just have to sob and sob and with that the mind
stops for a bit.
During this melt down, I asked myself who would I be if I
DIED right now. What can I say my life was about? What came up is - Adele you
would die as a searcher, and have never known life because you are always
searching for something. I see that I have ALWAYS - my whole life searched for
knowledge and information - that this was my driving force - I have read every spiritual
book and physics, and cosmos and religion theologians, on and on - and I saw
that I am doing it still! The tears and
melt down came from knowledge and information over load - and just wanting to
hear words, more and more, and not DO, not BE, not LIVE.
I forgive myself that I have lived a compete life of
wanting, searching for information to make me feel secure. I wanted THE ANSWER.
Funny thing is I was given the answer many, many times, but it was too simple,
there had to be more! It was an obsession with me - an addiction - to know the
truth, all of it, to the point that I was not living, but searching for more
and more - I was grasping for everything I could get my hands on.
The next day after the melt down - I saw what I was and it
scared me, an information junky obsessed with wanting more knowledge in the
hopes that I can finally figure out who I was. I felt fear - ashamed that this
is me. This is what I have been my whole life. And that within this - I felt broken, I felt there was no where
else to turn…all these years of searching for information - finding a zillion answers,
here I was - NOTHING but an unfulfilled searcher who if I died now I really did
nothing. Then I heard myself, some part
of me say, “Adele you forgot to trust yourself.” wow - I must of heard
this I do not know how many times before - but now - I see what that means.
Within those words I saw that I always judged EVERYTHING I DO through COMPARISON to something else.
Thus everything I do had a fear behind it, of
judgment. Thus the endless search for something to make me feel good about me -
I had to find it OUT THERE, out side of me, because I simply did not Trust
myself. I was always afraid to make decisions - though I did make them, underneath
I felt I always had to Defend them - to say I want you to know what I am
doing is right - I wanted OTHERS to know it was right. Thus still seeking,
searching for self-validation through others. This is my life, and with more knowledge
and information adding up as a false sense of Self.
At this point today as I am writing this I am in somber awe.
Yes it is like being at a funeral. My funeral, I have been dead.
The day after I heard to trust myself - I lived that day in
trust - instead of judging every movement (which by the way was killing me - my
fear to even move because of self judgment become so great I was dieing - which
I had to do- to see)
I had a day free of guilt, I do not know if I have ever had
a day like this before, I did not become exuberant within this, or glorified it
- it was just an awareness of thoughts coming to judge - and I said, I trust
LIFE as Me - I - the EGO I does not know what life is, and the trust has to
come outside of the EGO which wants to judge everything.
So what I saw was, I was living as EGO - which is afraid of
Being HERE, afraid of living. I also that day for maybe the first time was able
to sit in quiet during part of the day as the sun was going down, I sat in
silence and was guilt free - when I tried to sit in silence before - I felt
guilt for not doing something!
And when trust is not HERE - ego is.
I will give an example: I have a thought to do
something, then something else, then something else, and now I have all of these
thoughts. Which one should I do first? Is that one important - I don’t want to
do that - I rather do this, but what about that, and so on and so on. I was
driving myself crazy. Now when those thought come - I realize that I CAN NOT
MAKE A MISTAKE and now I can MOVE without fear. This is how I see the saying
TRUST YOURSELF. Because even if I do something that does not turn out - say
maybe for the best - I have just learned how to either do it different - or it
is of no concern, meaning I stopped judging how it/what I do turns out.
No comments:
Post a Comment