Friday, June 22, 2012

Day 19 Who would I be If I Died Right Now?

I have different titles for this blog -

What can I say about myself if I died right now?
Who would I be If I Died Right Now?
Dieing as information and knowledge
Dieing as an Unfulfilled Searcher
My funeral, I have been dead.

I have been going through a lot of intense… backchat - self judgment and guilt. I had a what I call a melt down - that is when (I see this meaning now) I give up and just have to sob and sob and with that the mind stops for a bit.
During this melt down, I asked myself who would I be if I DIED right now. What can I say my life was about? What came up is - Adele you would die as a searcher, and have never known life because you are always searching for something. I see that I have ALWAYS - my whole life searched for knowledge and information - that this was my driving force - I have read every spiritual book and physics, and cosmos and religion theologians, on and on - and I saw that I am doing it still!  The tears and melt down came from knowledge and information over load - and just wanting to hear words, more and more, and not DO, not BE, not LIVE.
I forgive myself that I have lived a compete life of wanting, searching for information to make me feel secure. I wanted THE ANSWER. Funny thing is I was given the answer many, many times, but it was too simple, there had to be more! It was an obsession with me - an addiction - to know the truth, all of it, to the point that I was not living, but searching for more and more - I was grasping for everything I could get my hands on.

The next day after the melt down - I saw what I was and it scared me, an information junky obsessed with wanting more knowledge in the hopes that I can finally figure out who I was. I felt fear - ashamed that this is me. This is what I have been my whole life.  And that within this - I felt broken, I felt there was no where else to turn…all these years of searching for information - finding a zillion answers, here I was - NOTHING but an unfulfilled searcher who if I died now I really did nothing.  Then I heard myself, some part of me say, “Adele you forgot to trust yourself.” wow - I must of heard this I do not know how many times before - but now - I see what that means. Within those words I saw that I always judged EVERYTHING I DO through COMPARISON to something else. 
Thus everything I do had a fear behind it, of judgment. Thus the endless search for something to make me feel good about me - I had to find it OUT THERE, out side of me, because I simply did not Trust myself. I was always afraid to make decisions - though I did make them, underneath I felt I always had to Defend them - to say I want you to know what I am doing is right - I wanted OTHERS to know it was right. Thus still seeking, searching for self-validation through others. This is my life, and with more knowledge and information adding up as a false sense of Self.
At this point today as I am writing this I am in somber awe. Yes it is like being at a funeral. My funeral, I have been dead.
The day after I heard to trust myself - I lived that day in trust - instead of judging every movement (which by the way was killing me - my fear to even move because of self judgment become so great I was dieing - which I had to do- to see)
I had a day free of guilt, I do not know if I have ever had a day like this before, I did not become exuberant within this, or glorified it - it was just an awareness of thoughts coming to judge - and I said, I trust LIFE as Me - I - the EGO I does not know what life is, and the trust has to come outside of the EGO which wants to judge everything.
So what I saw was, I was living as EGO - which is afraid of Being HERE, afraid of living. I also that day for maybe the first time was able to sit in quiet during part of the day as the sun was going down, I sat in silence and was guilt free - when I tried to sit in silence before - I felt guilt for not doing something!
And when trust is not HERE - ego is.
I will give an example: I have a thought to do something, then something else, then something else, and now I have all of these thoughts. Which one should I do first? Is that one important - I don’t want to do that - I rather do this, but what about that, and so on and so on. I was driving myself crazy. Now when those thought come - I realize that I CAN NOT MAKE A MISTAKE and now I can MOVE without fear. This is how I see the saying TRUST YOURSELF. Because even if I do something that does not turn out - say maybe for the best - I have just learned how to either do it different - or it is of no concern, meaning I stopped judging how it/what I do turns out.

No comments:

Post a Comment