Day:59 The Business of Business

FreSh: Online Business Outlook 2011 (Photo credit: Chandra Marsono)

I am noticing patterns that are coming up in relation to me wanting to start my own business so I can take care of my financial needs. One of my dreams has been to have my own business, so I would not have to work for others and I would be able to have creative license. Meaning I can call the shots, I can peruse my own ideas and implantations. I would not feel like a robot, just taking commands from another for there own agenda. Though when I do work for others – I work as it is my own business - meaning I do what I can to support the business doing well. But many times I am in a working environment where the owners were... well – not even seeing what it is they need to do to make the business and employees function to what is best which can lead to frustration.

Anyway – back to my own issues with starting my own business at the moment.
I did have 2 business of my own before that did well – I made a living. So I know I can do it. But I wanted one where I can be freer. Thus I am learning the ropes with online business. As it is going now – I can saw wow! There is a lot to this – and I don’t know if I will be any freer or not! Lol. I can choose my own hours though – where the other 2 business I had to stick to a schedule.

What I am dealing with refers back to my other posts where I can see myself starting to get depressed because things are not working out how I wanted at the moment. (Note I did start many other business where I did not follow through and quit – thus I think I have guilt and self resentment about this, meaning judging myself that I did all that work to learn it – but then I did not follow through after the first attempt. These types of business were sales orientated. I would really be excited about the possibility of how much money I could make. I would go to all the meetings – learn all the techniques – get all the materials needed – then go out to make a sale- I did not like rejection – and I did not like to push – sell the item. I just wanted them to buy if they liked it. I was not what they call a “closer.” So now my goal is to have a product or products that people are already looking for – so I don’t have to sell them – they already want them.
But now within this type of business – You have to find the traffic – the people who are looking for it. So this is what I am learning to do – because there will be competition with this – so you have to know how to get around that.
MY ROOF IS LEAKING!! GTG for now!

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Day:58 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality Pt2

Self Corrective Statements and Self Forgiveness 
In Reference to Part 1

When and if I start to get frustrated and in fear that I am doing all this work and I am not getting the desired results. (Note: I saw that the fear part is because the work that I am doing is so I can have an income from an online businesses, and if it does not work out – I don’t know how or what I am going to do to then get an income so I can survive on this planet.) I stop, take a pause and realize that this fear and frustration is coming from the fear of not making money to survive and the fear of time – I won’t make money in time to pay bills to survive. So I stop these fear thoughts as I see and realize that they do not support me in that I then accepted and allow myself to become possessed by my thoughts and not take or continue physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into fear of not being able to make money when projects I am working on do not produce the desired results that I want and or expecting. And then within this I go into self pity and depression with the thoughts of “I want to quit.”

Then: I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to follow an energetic high feeling of ecstasy when things to work out to the point of becoming proud of myself and thinking I am wonderful, but within this, all I am doing is saying that it is good when things work out and bad when they don’t, thus I am then judging myself as a downer/depression when things don’t work out. I am judging myself as “bad” when thing don’t work – thus I forgive myself that I have been accepted and allowing the feeling of an energetic high with polarity thoughts of “you did good” “you are awesome” to define who I am as good verses who I am as bad when things don’t work out.

Thus I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of not making money when things don’t work out as an excuse to think/believe that I am bad and then thus go into self pity and depression instead of seeing and realizing that I am in a polarity swing of judging myself and what I am doing as good or bad instead to be present HERE without thinking and defining myself by the polarity thoughts.

When and if I see myself going into and energetic high or energetic low I stop and realize that these thoughts are not who I am and do not define who I am as good or bad. I breath and continue with my activities in and as the physical - because that is the only thing that is real.

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Day:47 Mild to Moderate Bipolar Personality

I am going to write about points when I get depressed as I see this is a big part of me. Now that I think about it, it runs in our family and I just took it for granted. If I think about it I was living as a mild to moderate bipolar personality. I would be happy and proud of myself for something, and then soon after I would be depressed about something. Interesting...

So I will start with this week:
Note: I highlighted text in Bold as I saw these as specific points to look at.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Lots going on this week: I am still having resistance to write for the blog. Thing is so many “ideas” and thoughts are going through my head on what to write, not only for personal blogs, but I have to write for college courses as well. And I sometimes just get tired of sitting at the computer all day doing my commitments which takes a computer to accomplish…I have written about this before – I just have to push myself.

What is going on this week: I burned my hand, and the day before that I spilled about a cup of bleach on the cushion where I sit. I have Molly whom I am taking care of for a few weeks, but she is pretty good! It is just a bit cramped in my trailer, as she is a big dog, especially when it rains

Burned hand = feeling burned out – which I was – thus not being present in the moment – but feeling frustrated and sorry for myself that I am having problems with my website – the fulfillment factor is not there within the project.

The day before I spilled the bleach – I was feeling burned out that day too – Bleach was to me the worst thing I could spill in my small trailer, because it would ruin my rugs and cushion. --- Ah! The worst thing I could of spilled = the worst thing that can happen to me right now is for all my work towards an online business not to work…

Also this week - This is what is going on!! Again
Today I am depressed I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to do my Website – So I am depressed because I want it to make money and it won’t unless I work on it, but thus far, as refereed to writings below this, all the work I have done so far is not creating any results via paid advertising .

I forgive myself that I am depressed… I forgive myself that I forget that I get depressed when I do a lot of work on a project and then things don’t turn out how I had wanted them to and then I get lethargic – it is like I have to recover, I really don’t know how not to do this except write it all out so I think I will do a “mind construct" on this point.

I feel trapped about having to make money – I want something Independent like an income producing online website – thus I depressed because I want it to make money and it wont unless I work on it. I mean here that I have been working on it a lot – I just have to keep going every day with it. I just sometimes get discouraged.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated when things seem not to be working out with my website business. And within that I forgive myself l have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not want to move and I want to quit. I know by now though that these thoughts of discouragement and wanting to quit are temporary. My recovery time is way less than when I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in self pity. Where as now I write about it so I can see these thoughts and apply self forgiveness.

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Day 46 Judging Self

Friday, October 12, 2012

I forgive myself that I have stressed out myself so much that I fear I am getting weak in the lungs and heart
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into fear about the things I have to do
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear what other people think about me when I am doing something I don’t think they will approve off.

Saturday, October 13, 2012 

Not knowing what to write about.

I just realized that about writing a blog I was using the excuse that I don’t know what I should write about – I mean I have lots to write about – and that is what was confusing me to the point where I just did not want to figure it out, what one to write about that I said to myself I will do it later – and then the days went by with me writing nothing.

What I saw this morning is it is not important what to write, see I thought it should be coherent, following an order of some sort. What I was thinking about is what others would think if they read it. Like gee, she is all over the place. And just as I am writing this I felt a reaction within me. Wow – cool to finally acknowledge it. The reaction was physical tightening of the body, my face crunched as in a fear that others will judge what I write. This is the point I have to break through as Sunette is walking in her blogs. It is “The RESISTANCE Point.”

So to re-cap for me –The resistance point is fear of what others will think – meaning I fear they will think my blog is not good enough, or what I wrote about is not good enough. The funny thing is people probably don’t even read it – But still I am putting myself out there on the internet.
With this said – I am going to stop with this writing as I want to finish up with my mother and hair posts.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse it is too confusing to know what to write about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse I don’t have time to write because I don’t know what to write about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as to what I write

When and if I see myself procrastinating about writing and I am using the excuse I am afraid of what to post because I will be judged for being all over the place, I stop and breath in the moment and just write and post, and I stop accepting and allowing myself to believe that excuse.

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Day45: Humans Fear Each Other

Man Know Thyself (Photo credit: jrmyst)

I have realized though my participation with Desteni is, that to become Self Realized one much first Know Thy Self. And this is not some self that you think you will be once you become enlightened somehow, or that will be revealed to you someday in heaven or from a Guru, Master or spiritual teacher. I am seeing that the self we need to know is the one we are now – here – today and all our days that we DON’T want to look at. Because these parts of ourself that we don’t want to look at, that we suppress and deny are the very parts of us that are running our lives. They need to be faced and forgiven so we will stop abuse within our world. As our world this planet is one of abuse. You my say may world is okay, there is not abuse around me… But there is abuse happening all around us, that we do not want to acknowledge because we fear it. We think if we acknowledge it – it will make it real for us. Thus we don’t want to care. But even in your own life there is abuse, jealousy, back stabbing, gossiping, greed in one form or another, wanting control over others in your family, friends, co-workers, spitefulness, and envy to name a few. And not to mention the inequality of Capitalism (that causes the greed) that we all participate in.

What I have come to really see is that Humans fear each other and don’t trust each other
Now, why is that? I mean think about it, many of use don’t trust our partner completely, we don’t really trust our neighbors, maybe some, but we lock our doors and hide our stuff. We fear each other. We want a job and fear another human might get it. We fear getting fired or losing our job from a human. We now fear the food we eat, the schools we go to, losing our homes that we have worked so hard to keep. And who is responsible for all this fear that we have accepted and allowed? Humans… 
 
Mankind lives in a state of constant fear of losing something. We might have a good day, or what we call a good day, because we have numbed ourself in one way or another to forget about our fear for a moment. I mean we even fear how we look – what we are wearing…
Thus Man Know Thyself – But we Deny, refuse to admit or acknowledge our true nature which is fear, and fear causes abuse.

I have been working with the Desteni principle for 4 years now, and its main purpose is for us to see our true nature and do something about it before we destroy ourselves as a species. Within this we are working a process, a journey to uncover and take a look at our true nature. What we accept and allow in our world/planet Earth. I call it “To Become Self Realized You Must Reverse Engineer Yourself.”

What this means is to take each thought, feeling and emotion and go into reverse, go backwards into your past and find as see how and why you created these thoughts, believes in yourself, others and the world. When we see and understand how our thoughts and believes have created a world of inequality and suffering though reverse engineering. That is what people do when they have something and they want to see how it was made – they take it apart all they way to the beginning, thus they now know how it was made.
Thus this is what Man Know Thyself really means. We take our thoughts to the origin and discover how it was made… Then we will know how to change

Check out Desteni I Process for the Journey to Self Awareness and also Equal Money.org - start to support a system where all of Life can benefit.

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Day:44 OMG My Hair SF Points

Continuation from previous post. OMG What am I going to do with my hair
Self Forgiveness on these points :

• I felt my hair was not good enough
• I felt that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.
• I was always self conscious about my hair - meaning sometimes I could get it right, but not for long as it would frizz up in damp weather.
• I feared damp weather because it would mess up my hair - and all the work it took to fix it.
• Most of all I felt that something was wrong with me.(This comes from other experiences as well)

I also believed my mother did not like me because the tone of her voice (Not understanding at that time - that she was also conditioned to think like that and as a result I took it as she did not like me because her tone of voice was not gentle, but it felt like she was accusing me of something)( I will take this point on later)


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my entire life feel that my hair was not good enough.

I forgive myself that I did not understand that we are born into a system where newborns take on the emotional energy of our parents and within this I have taken on the behaviors of my parents and theirs before them, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe because of the tonal voice spoken to me as a young child about my hair of one of irritation or urgency that I had developed a believe that I looked ugly if my hair was not done up/or I use the word “fixed” (Like my hair was broken) , because I would hear as I got older in early teens to fix my hair- something was wrong with it – so it had to be fixed and thus within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that when my hair needed to be fixed and within this believe I thought/accepted and allowed myself to believe that something was wrong with me/my hair. Thus I forgive myself that I associated myself my being with my hair – that if my hair was not good enough then I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough or that something was wrong with me because I accepted the tonality of my mothers voice when she spoke about my hair as irritation/urgency – thus I became irritated with urgency that something was wrong with my hair and that I had to fix it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and feel that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did not fix my hair in the right way that something was wrong with me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if something is wrong with me that I will not be accepted within this world and within this I created a fear of not being accepted into this world, like I had to struggle as a being to gain approval of others because I feared God would not like me if others did not.

Within this belief that if my hair was not fixed properly to my mother’s approval I was always self conscious about my hair especially when around others and the public, because even though I attempted to fix/style my hair in a manner that was acceptable to mom I always worried about it even after fixing it – because it would not stay for long the way I fixed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/believe the word fix as something wrong with me, and that I would become self conscious about it and that I assumed was a judgment of me/my being instead to see it as just a solution to something without taking it as a personal mark against who I am and thus feeling inferior/less than within my being.

I forgive myself that because I was afraid of my hair going frizzy after I had spent the time to “fix” it that I fear damp rainy weather because it would cause my hair to frizz after I had “tamed” it.

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Day:43 OMG What I am I going to DO With My Hair!

As I work with my Mother Mind Construct in my DIP course I can see many areas where I have defined who and what I think I am through and by my interactions with my mother.

For example: When she would be concerned about how I looked. I had coarse frizzy hair and it was very hard to manage. I use to iron it in high school so it would be straight. I had great concerns how my hair would look - I would hear in my mind my mother saying "Are you going to do something with your hair?."

How I heard it in my mind was one of... hmm...say urgency. It seem to me that it was urgent to her that I do something with my hair. lol - Like I hope you are not going to go out like that - what will people think of you if they see your hair that way.


Thus within this I became very self conscious about how my hair looked. As I think of it now - this was very stressful for young kid - You wake up in the morning and your first thought is -omg - my hair -I have to "fix' it!!! And I must say this was not an easy task- to get it to go right. I had to create an image in my mind of what "cute" will look like. I would imagine people that had cute hair and try to make it look like that. I suppose I got the idea of what cute was through Television and magazines. They would tell you what was in style - how to do it - so you would be considered, cool, cute.

So how did I start to define who I was within this?

I felt my hair was not good enough
I felt that I looked ugly if my hair was not fixed in the right fashion - and since I had hard to control hair - I assumed I was ugly.
I was always self conscious about my hair - meaning sometimes I could get it right, but not for long as it would frizz up in damp weather.
I feared damp weather because it would mess up my hair - and all the work it took to fix it.
Most of all I felt that something was wrong with me.(This comes from other experiences as well)
I also believed my mother did not like me because the tone of her voice (Not understanding at that time - that she was also conditioned to think like that and as a result I took it as she did not like me because her tone of voice was not gentle, but it felt like she was accusing me of something)
Thus I may have even associated my name, Adele, to not being good enough. (...interesting we are working on Names and tonal pronunciations within them and how we have subconscious and unconsiousnes reactions when we hear our name say within specific tones.)

I mean I can not blame all these experiences because of my- it was TV and magazines that shaped how we thought about things. I came to understand later in my life that all this was commercialism- social mind manipulation to sell us things - keep us thinking we could be more and have more, thus essentially telling us we could be better if we dressed this way or bought these things.


To follow I will do Self Forgiveness on these thoughts

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Day 42 Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past

Since I have so many things going on in my mind that I “think” I can’t make a choice on what to submit for my blog – I am going to stick with one thing for now.

Deconstructing Memories from Childhood and the Past 

>>>>>She did not see me
Also as I got older Mom always was worried about what I was wearing and how my hair looked. I would come into the kitchen and she would say is that what you are wearing, do something with your hair. I felt like a thing/ not a person that she needed to show off so she could feel good.
Because mom kept doing this to me (bugging me about how I looked or acted – instead to really talk to me, I never could really talk to her, because she did not see me - she just saw a “daughter” that she wanted to make in her image so she would get approval of her peers. It was like she didn’t even want to get to know me at all, she just wanted me to look good for others, so she would look good.

Never talk to her again
Time In Lexington

This made me an angry kid and this went on all the time. One time I remember (Time in Lexington) I wanted to talk to Mom about something important to me, as I started to talk, she said something like “honey are you going to do something with your hair” - she did not even hear me or want to hear me - This was about when I was a young teen around 12 or 13, I became so angry, it was like that time the scales where tipped - this happened so often, that day I vowed to never talk to her again - and I didn’t. What I mean by that is I never shared anything with her about me, she was just this person I had to live with, who I had to ask to do things. Like I want to go to my friend’s house, stuff like that. She never knew me.

[[[Note – Later on in my life during that time in Lexington I did not realize what was happing to her. She was pregnant and my father was cheating on her – he had a girlfriend and I took her anger as being with me, something I must have done…. Sad I did not know this and carried the anger at her for all those years.]]]

We mostly argued - a lot. Every time I asked her “why”, like why cant I do that, she would just say, because I said so. I wanted explanations, so I could learn and understand.
I felt she did not see me as anything that deserved and explanation, and in my mind she was the enemy now, just something I had to endure until I got older and could move out of the house.

Disclaimer:
Please understand that these writings are not about "complaining about my childhood." Or about blaming what I perceived as others doing something to me. I am writing my experiences that we unconsciously carry with us into our lives so we may see where we hold blame, judgment, self insecurity and anger and to come to an understanding that this is not who we are - but who we have believed we are. Within this with self forgiveness and corrective application we can change the very nature of ourselves to one of a dignified Life and not be directed emotionally.

To be continued...

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