Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 69 Investigating the Pain of Change

I am seeing this as not wanting to be uncomfortable. Interesting. For example doing certain assignments is uncomfortable.
I actually go into mental pain when I think about doing something I am not interested in doing. Interested also is similar to Inspired. I always thought it was so cool to be inspired to do something – it is like the energy is there behind it giving you the thrust to move on something. It is a high that feels like an accomplishment with is the reward when you move on an inspiration. I am also seeing that I get inspired, excited to do a project for Desteni – then it fades and I am no longer inspired. In the past I have just pushed myself anyway, and I still do – but not consistently… It is too “painful” – And this does not make sense! LOL, because the pain is just in my mind. Yet I allow it to direct me.

 It is fascinating to watch myself within my mind to try and talk myself into doing it – and I get inspired for a moment then the thought comes – YOU DON’T WANT TO DO IT. It makes no sense – I want to do then I don’t- what wants to do it and then it doesn’t? So I observed myself to see that, like the physics example from some of the blogs Maya has been writing about, is that forces want to get back to stable- thus change requires pushing that is more than the mass it is pushing. Thus my mental mass wants to stay the same – stay comfortable – and thus Me as my mind directs myself as the body to do what is comfortable – and really it is not productive. I have it in my mind that I already do many things that I don’t want to – I am still working at age 59 – gee isn’t that enough? Lol – I stopped having any desires to want to do anything else as everything cost money. Thus the internet is my life now.

Now as I am writing this – I see that I may be being too hard on myself – meaning I have gone into guilt thinking I am not doing enough.  I have been going to college – this has been really tough on me. I thought it would get easier – but for me it has not. No matter how much SF I do – I still had intense anxiety every day of the quarter. When it is over- I have to take a break - I need a month or more to stabilize myself from the anxiety. Before college – I was more active within Desteni. I thought I could do both, I wanted to do both, but all I did was get stressed out thinking about it.

So anyway, next step, I am ready to push myself with what I learned through my college studies and see if I can make and income from affiliate websites. We will see…I am hoping I can stabilize myself with work (my own business) and Desteni participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to stop the anxiety while in college.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by the fear and pressure of college, the fear that I will not pass and the fear that I will then not receive money from grants and loans.  
When and if I think of the anxiety and stress of college I stop and realize that I can now move on from this point and start with making a stable income for myself.

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