I am seeing this as not wanting to be uncomfortable.
Interesting. For example doing certain assignments is uncomfortable.
I actually go into mental pain when I think about doing
something I am not interested in doing. Interested also is similar to Inspired.
I always thought it was so cool to be inspired to do something – it is like the
energy is there behind it giving you the thrust to move on something. It is a
high that feels like an accomplishment with is the reward when you move on an
inspiration. I am also seeing that I get inspired, excited to do a project for
Desteni – then it fades and I am no longer inspired. In the past I have just
pushed myself anyway, and I still do – but not consistently… It is too
“painful” – And this does not make sense! LOL, because the pain is just in my
mind. Yet I allow it to direct me.
It is fascinating to
watch myself within my mind to try and talk myself into doing it – and I get
inspired for a moment then the thought comes – YOU DON’T WANT TO DO IT. It
makes no sense – I want to do then I don’t- what wants to do it and then it
doesn’t? So I observed myself to see that, like the physics example from some
of the blogs Maya has been writing about, is that forces want to get back to
stable- thus change requires pushing that is more than the mass it is pushing. Thus
my mental mass wants to stay the same – stay comfortable – and thus Me as my
mind directs myself as the body to do what is comfortable – and really it is
not productive. I have it in my mind that I already do many things that I don’t
want to – I am still working at age 59 – gee isn’t that enough? Lol – I stopped
having any desires to want to do anything else as everything cost money. Thus
the internet is my life now.
Now as I am writing this – I see that I may be being too
hard on myself – meaning I have gone into guilt thinking I am not doing
enough. I have been going to college –
this has been really tough on me. I thought it would get easier – but for me it
has not. No matter how much SF I do – I still had intense anxiety every day of
the quarter. When it is over- I have to take a break - I need a month or more
to stabilize myself from the anxiety. Before college – I was more active within
Desteni. I thought I could do both, I wanted to do both, but all I did was get
stressed out thinking about it.
So anyway, next step, I am ready to push myself with what I
learned through my college studies and see if I can make and income from
affiliate websites. We will see…I am hoping I can stabilize myself with work
(my own business) and Desteni participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not be able to stop the anxiety while in college.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become overwhelmed by the fear and pressure of college, the fear that I will
not pass and the fear that I will then not receive money from grants and loans.
When and if I think of the anxiety and stress of college I
stop and realize that I can now move on from this point and start with making a
stable income for myself.
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