Monday, December 29, 2014

Day 118 Procrastination Backchat 1

English: Gentaur schedule
English: Gentaur schedule (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is a rant and rave of points that I have seen come up when I put things off to do later.

Fear of losing freedom – I have the belief that freedom is to do what I am inspired to do in the moment with no self direction - Thus thinking that emotional inspiration is life.

Wanting to wait until last minute – with the idea belief that the high is really cool when have to act under the gun so to speakmeaning I get a high to be so close to having to do something before it is too late – and I go into complete energy production and it feels like life to me. I feel alive when there is the “pressure” to do something.

Backchat when I set a schedule – to get things done – I always totally ignore almost every schedule I make and wait till close to last minute. I say – oh I have time, I will start in an hour – then the next hour comes, and I say – I have time, I have time – then it is the next day, then next couple of days an so on.

I also believe if I get the things done now- before they are due so to speak – that I will only then find other things that I “should” do, thus making more “work” for myself.

What I am seeing within this idea of – I want to do what ever I feel like doing until the time is close to do what I need to do – is that I really do not have any feeling of real freedom – because I am always thinking of the thing I said I would do and then did not – meaning I can not really have freedom or enjoy myself because I am then feeling guilty for not doing it when I scheduled myself to.

Another backchat is – I do not want to be owned by a schedule – that is not life – to live as a schedule – that is a programmed reality to control us.

Then I also have this resentment of “having to do things” more than what I am already doing. This one comes with doing what I call Desteni stuff. (I feel guilty for even writing this down – that this is my feelings and ideas about it.) The backchat I have about this is – “ I have been pushing myself all my life – doing things I really don’t want to – like going to school, going to work, having to make money to pay bills – Now “they want me to “push myself” to do more things I don’t like/ have resistance to.

But I know this is crap as I see and write the backchat out – I see that I have only been “pushing myself” to do those things because of fear of death – meaning if I do not have money, I can not really do what I like anyway. So within that I am not really pushing myself – I am doing it because I think that is what will make me happy. So what I do is then create this big confusion (con-fusion) within myself as backchat complete with emotions of self pity because I “don’t know what to do – meaning what is right and what is wrong. I mean I tell myself this might be another trap – doing things you don’t want to do. Doing them just because someone tells you that is what you should be doing to break free –> To Be Continued

I started doing the Art of Self Investigation in 1997. I learned this Art though what Desteni calls Writing to Freedom using Self forgiveness and Self Honesty. There is a Free Course offered called Desteni I Process Lite - Beginning Steps to Self Discovery that assists one to learn how to write yourself to Freedom from mind conditioning.

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