Day 32:Postponement Character-Feeling Like I have to Hurry

Within this character I saw these points so far

Becoming Overwhelmed because I think I have to much to do, I wont have the time, and I need some time for myself to rest from chores.

So - a Character will have:

1. Specific Thought Patterns in the Conscious Mind (One thought or picture)

 2. Specific internal conversations/backchat within which we converse with ourselves in      our own Minds = backchat

3. Specific emotions/feelings attributed to the specific Character existent in the specific thoughts and internal conversations

4. Specific physical responses/behaviors

5. REALITY-CONSEQUENCES

I will call this the overwhelmed character;

1. Specific Thought Patterns in the Conscious Mind

   I have a picture in my mind of being tired – Like a stack of books or papers in front of     me that need tending to.

2. Specific internal conversations/backchats within which we converse with ourselves in      our own Minds = backchat

I have to much to do,  I don’t want to do this, my days are a drudgery, I which this was over, I want time to myself. I want to be done with this, meaning not to keep doing it.

3. Specific emotions/feelings attributed to the specific Character existent in the specific thoughts and internal conversations

I am feeling stressed and worry about time, I think of all the things I have to do, I feel depression, sadness, I want to give up.

4. Specific physical responses/behaviors

I hold my breath, I slouch my shoulders and head, I stare, I want a cigarette.

5. REALITY-CONSEQUENCES

When I don’t do these things I get depressed anyway, because then I am not a good person, I am abdicating responsibility which means I am a loser.

Realization – Because I have it in my mind that I have so much to do – I am RUSHING with each project…Thus not being here – present because I am worrying about time.

I fear if I don’t worry about time – I will get distracted…

So the question is – how do you get all that needs to be done and not worry about time?

I forgive myself that I haven’t realized that I am always worried about the time I have to do a project.

I forgive myself that I was snappy at my land mate because I was worried about time while fixing the chicken run roof.

I forgive myself that I feel that I need to rush – so that I can get things done.

I forgive myself that I feel/believe that if I do not rush – I will not have time to get things done in a timely manner. 

Check out how we are Writing Ourselves toFreedom  and Worldwide Solutions at http://equalmoney.org

Day 31: Drudgery Practical Solution

Okay and other cool point came with why I was participating in the overwhelmed/drudgery character;

Since I changed my daily activities to more focused, meaning instead of doing many things a day bits at a time, instead to have one full day to be only one or two projects. 

What I found when I did the latter was I felt I was never finished, because I was saying okay you have an hour to do DIP or your blog and then you have to do that, then this, and that. WOW no wonder I was overwhelmed and living as/in anxiety.

 Like today was blogs and DIP – and that’s it along with daily rating, and 2 scheduled chats . I actually feel like I have accomplished something for the day, and my focus is not interrupted by looking at the time and worrying about the next project for the day. 

This is also actually giving me  the feeling of more flexibility, meaning I am getting these things done because I am not worried about time – and I actually have time to do other things on my list.

So for example: Today I wrote 2 blogs! I worked clean up in the yard, I did ratings, facebook, checked emails, I read Sunettes blog, made breakfast, worked on transferring files to my new computer and I still have 7 hours left to work on DIP assignment.  What happened was because my project for the day was blogs and Dip – I finished blogs without feeling I had to rush and it was fun, I allowed myself time to write without worry. 

Though I am seeing I still have resistance and want to distract myself at times – I can not use the “Not Enough Time” excuse. As that can be a valid excuse at times and my mind wanted to use that as a “ I am confused point”/ where do I start, etc. 

So I am using a calendar on my computer  ( free download) and plotting out my week activities. I check it many times a day to keep focused, and so far I can sometimes even get another scheduled days project started. I also give myself the permission to rearrange the calendar as I find what is most practical. 

It looks something like this: ( I am taking a 30 credit course this fall- and I have decided to start on it 2 months before the course starts, so it will lessen the hours per week I need to do.)

Daily Destonian support ratings, and chats are a given.

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
House and yard	Wok @ 5pm blogs 2 posts Dip	Wok @ 5pm blogs 2 posts Dip	7 hrs School	DIP Chat blogs 3 posts	7 hrs School	House and yard DIP

Next I will be writing the drudgery character with Self Forgiveness and Self corrective statements and working the 5 dimensions of this character.

Check out how we are Writing Ourselves to Freedom and Worldwide Solutions at

Desteni.org

EqualMoney.org  

Day 30: Continuing with Drudgery Backchat

Another point I am seeing is that I want to do TONS of things! And than what happens is I get overwhelmed in the idea of How can I do ALL of this _ I want to do it ALL NOW! And then the reality comes – that I CAN NOT DO IT ALL RIGHT AWAY, and I get depressed and just STOP – Thus this is what Bernard has meant and has been saying all along – You can only do ONE BREATH AT A TIME !

I was talking to my brother about this – the idea of a “kink” in the flow of doing something and then wanting to stop – that it was like an interruption of the “mind” energy flow. He mentioned something like this >

Inspiration is a believe of a better future – physiological time is the problem

As long as you don’t have future you don’t have a problem.

I said “We are the walking dead because we want to secure a future.” In other words we are always in our Mind in an illusionay future that has really been programmed for us. For example; if you do this you will get that. Like if you buy this makeup or wear these clothes or perfume you will get your mate and be successful.

We are never HERE with the physical.

 I like this statement from Sunette blog:

“If we’d spend as much time in reality, as we do in our Minds and really working together with ACTUAL PEOPLE in conversations/communications, rather than the extent to which we talk to ourselves in our thoughts/backchat, spending as much time giving attention to solutions in this PHYSICAL WORLD that consider/regard all equally as one, rather than spending the time on giving attention to our own interests of wants, needs and desires: This world could have been an entirely different scenario than what we’re facing now.”  

I am in the future/mind if I am not HERE

What my anxiety was about within the drudgery character was I was focused on a “future” – I was envisioning my future with wanting to get all of these things done – worried about myself in THE FUTURE – THUS WANTING TO PROTECT MY FUTURE WHICH CAN ONLY BE AN ILLUSION IN PHYSIOLOGICAL TIME.

So the “kink” would stop me because I was worrying about the future as mind/thoughts/projections.

Another point that came up this morning was that I have many different things to do and I wanted to do a bit of all of them in one day – but what was happening is I was worried about the time – like you can only spend so much time with this, then move onto that, then only so much time for that, then move onto the next. Well what that was doing was creating anxiety for the whole day, because I was thinking of ALL these different things I had to complete for the day.

I decided to change that set up. I will now devote one whole day to one or two projects instead of many projects for the day– then I will not worry about the time. An example: two full days for College work instead of 2-3 hrs each day, and two full days for Blogs and DIP   Within this will be daily rating support for fellow .Destonians The other days will be home/land maintenance, reading blogs, etc.  I will see how this works; so far already it feels good, meaning I do not have anxiety or overwhelmness because I have the most of the whole day to complete a project.   

This is seems like a way to trick the mind out of worry for now – just to break the cycle. We will see.

Day 29: Possessed By Drudgery

I have been having a terrible bout with Resistance to do Anything!

I have been Possessed with this! It was very frightening and mentally painful.

I had NO “inspiration to want to do anything – every thing I did was pushed as I was mentally kicking and screaming in my mind about it. I kept wanting to sleep because I was mentally exhausting myself with constant backchat. It would not stop – all I could do was push through and keep moving. Today “feels” better, and that means I am inspired…

But what is this idea of being inspired that I have manifested into my life and body to do things. Inspired to me meant – I want to do it. I have the energy to do it because my mind agrees lol.

Thing is I do this often – The polarity swings of what seems to be inspiration and then feeling like dead weight. When I feel the inspiration – I feel mentally and physically supported to do things. But it is like… I have no control over this feeling – I have to “wait” for it- it just comes after awhile, after the mental battle.

So Inspiration = my mind agrees – Thing is there is no Reason for this, meaning I - my beings wants to do things and enjoy it – But out of know where it seems comes the battle with my mind… there has got to be trigger points here for me – that cause this.

It is like I have to trick the mind into believing that I want to do these things – I have to make it fun somehow, or worthy or validated that I am enjoying doing…Very interesting.   

So I have to telling my mind I am enjoying doing things so what I am doing is not painful. BUT – I just woke up today with inspiration…hmmm… I can’t recall yet what I told myself or even if I did tell myself something to change the drudgery character.

 I really miss having fun – or my mind thinking I am having fun – it felt like I was dieing to Life when I felt everything was drudgery.

Definition of DRUDGERY

 Tedious, menial, or unpleasant work - : dull, irksome, and fatiguing work: uninspiring or menial labor.

So as I write this and investigate my thinking, what I saw is I am retraining my thinking to “Hey – I want to do this”. I don’t really have a story, like this is good for you, or you will be a better person for doing this – It is just – HEY Mind I want to do this. Lol

I think it was because I had an idea in my mind ideas about work, play, rest, and how it should be. We have been deconstructing the postponement character on weekly Desteni chats as a group. So what I think happened is that I was exposing my backchat, and thus it became greater at first.

I have to admit that to finally wake up and embrace the day after what seemed like a long time to instead dread it felt good – felt like I could breathe.

We will see how it goes. I will watch for triggers that put me a drudgery spin.

One I just saw was, when there comes up obstacles to what I am doing. I saw myself tighten up physically – physical resistance to the thought “there is a problem”, ah I was seeing the obstacle as a problem and thus immediately had resistance to continue because “thing” stopped flowing.

So what does stop flowing mean to me? It means what I was doing has a kink – the flow stops the mind gets upset and then I think this is drudgery/frustrating. BUT what I am seeing is the mind gets pissed because when I flow with inspiration I FEEL HIGH – and the KINK STOPS THE HIGH!  SHIT – that is it.

So what to watch out for is the KINKs in the flow as the trigger point to go into drudgery.

Thank you Adele – grateful to see this

I will continue with SF/SCS

Day 28:Continue SF Postponement Backchat

Continuing with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

On Postponement Backchat

There should be more to life than doing the same thing all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BE/LIVE in the idea that doing the same thing over and over is beneath me, that I was placing myself as a person who “should” be above repetitious work, thus as I am writing this I am seeing that I believed that I should be in Gods/ or some higher something favor, and thus this made me angry in the way that why is “God” doing this to me. I should be free from menial labor. Lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a world in my mind of fantasy and hope of a better place in a future instead to be Here in the present with me and LIFE, thus indicating that I be/lived that have no say so or power in the reality I am creating/ thus believing I am a victim of my circumstances and living in HOPE that someone/something out there has the responsibility to change life.

Thus within this I forgive myself that I have not understood by holding onto this belief that I have been abdicating responsibly for life and that this is one of the programmed belief system that has been responsible for us never evolving out of greed, wars, and abuse because we have been WAITING for something/someone/God to make this changes for us, and seeing that if WE WANT TO CHANGE WE HAVE TO DO IT, otherwise there is no FREE WILL.

Self Corrective Statements (SCS) 

When and if I see myself going into frustration or resentment when having to do repetitious work, I stop and breath and realize that this does not diminish who I am/ that this was just away to want to feel superior in a believe I was inferior and realize repetitious work is part of life and as such does not diminish, but support life.

  

Life should be fun and not work – and

I want to do something I want to do now that feels good or fun for me

This statement is similar to “There should be more to life than doing the same thing all the time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me into a mind fuck of polarity of fun and not fun, labeling work as not  fun because it is something seen as “ I have to do it” thus feeling/believing that I am forced as a victim to work. Where in reality there is work I like to do. So to clarify – it is not work completely that I do not like. It is simply doing something that I rather not do at that time, because I want to do something else I had in mind – thus being totally directed by my emotions/feelings and thoughts that this would be more fun right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my total goal in life is to have fun – that is what “God” wanted – yet within this believe I have been living in self interest and not what is best for All – as I was only interested in my fun and not seeing or realizing that living in away that does not consider All of life – means you can not be Life As All as One as Equal. And as I am going through this process of learning Self direction instead of programmed ego/emotional direction, that I have more self worth and self love and interest for All than I ever had before.

SCS

When and if I go into backchat in my mind of “live should be fun – not work”, I stop – breath and realize that my idea of “fun” was programmed as self interest  and not supportive to Life as what is best for ALL, thus making me separate from what is actually HERE, and actually  ME and Living practically, thus I was not seeing/living true LIFE but living in a fantasy world within my mind.

Check out Desteni forum for more topics 

Day 27:Postponement Backchat

Backchat – Postponement Character

Here I am writing different backchat that comes up during the day regarding the postponement character.

There should be more to life than doing the same thing all the time

Life should be fun and not work

I am tired

My body hurts when I sit too much

I don’t want to do this

I need to get other things done

I have too much to do already

I don’t know where to start because I have so much to do

I am TIRED (I see I get tired when I think of all that needs doing)

I want to do something I want to do now that feels good or fun for me

How am I going to get this all done

I am afraid that I have too much to do, how will I get it all done/overwhelmed

 (realization – when and if I start to get overwhelmed I realize all I need to do is look at my list for the day and understand that I always do get done what I need to and that it is the future projection of fear that I wont get it done that causes me to then get overwhelmed and then tired. When I make my list and follow it – I always get things done. It is the fear that wont is what is causing the postponement)

I am getting older now and life should not be as hard,

I am getting older now and I do not have the energy like I use too

Some Self Forgiveness By Sunette Check out Her Blog

·  I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how we as humanity have been conditioned to powerlessness, apathy in our individual relationship to existence- and how this manifest in me facing myself as the mind, where I see me as insignifcant in relation to my mind and so in moments where I am facing me as the mind, instead of realisng th emind is me, I am simply facing me, I make it more than what

Sunette> it is/overwhelming which then cause me in moments to so quickly give up/give in and manipulate myself with 'i don't know' than pushing myself to equalise me with myself and my mind as me\

·  Sunette> I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how - every human being accept and allow this manipulation in relation to the world/humanity of 'i don't know what to do' in how to change the world, but no one ever really investigated/put the effort in in really going deep into how things really work, that we don't want to put the effort in, as we do in our relationship with the mind, putting the effort in in getting to know how it works to so change ourselves as the mind, as we had become so used to having things instantaneously - in this:

·  I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that walking / putting in the effort and discpline into and as my relationship with me as the mind - is a step by step, seemingly 'menial process', but this is how I created me as the mind in the first place and so will take an equal and one process to change it, thus I commit myself to no more accept/allow the i don't know character/i don't want to see character to manipulate myself with, but to walk through the resistance and take that moment and really investigate/get to know me, so that I can change me, not only for me, but all as me and how that one menial point of pushing through he resistance/i don't know character is another step I take for me as all as me.

·  <Sunette> I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand - how, me accepting and allowing myself to go into the i don't know character, the i don't want to see - I am in that moment, actually accepting and allowing myself to go into HOPE, holding onto the HOPE of there one day magically arriving a miracle cure for humanity so that I don't have to walk the process - believing that, if I wait for others, their

<Sunette> process will save me and so I don't really have to do much, not seeing/realising/understanding that no individual human being can change another, and self will decide whether self will be part of this process of birthing life from the physical or not, it is each one's individual process and decision, and so

I commit myself to no more accepting and allowing myself to hold onto hope - as I see, realse and understand that with walking the mind as I have thus far, there is no other way human beings will change but taking responsibility for ourselves in walking the detail of the mind as ourselves into living correction

Day 26: SF SCS Annoyed Character

Continuation of Post  Annoyed Character

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to judge others for what they are or are not doing and how they should be doing it.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed with others because they are not doing what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed at others when they do not listen to me or agree with me, and within this I am wanting to be seen as being right and then thus I judge others for being wrong.

I have just read Esteni blog  Reaction  Games, and Matti’s video vlog Reactions Games as Conflicts between Points of View 

I now see the Being Annoyed Character in a more expansive view.

When I became annoyed it was I felt I was not being listened too, because I wanted to be right and I wanted to be heard – I wanted to be validated for what I “know”.

Lol! It was the same thing that I wanted to tell my friend “SHE” was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the annoyed character because I wanted validation that I “know”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed when I thought someone was not listening and agreeing to what I am saying because I was wanting to feel superior in “my knowledge” thus not being present within the moment as a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe that I needed to be heard and acknowledge for my point of view to feel good about who I am, when in reality I really did not feel good because I was in separation as the polarity of right and wrong, thus no one is a winner or loser.

I forgive myself that I did not/was not seeing what I was accepted and allowing as I became annoyed at others and that I was living as judgment polarity of right and wrong.

Self Corrective Statements.

When and if I see myself becoming annoyed towards someone whom I am speaking to or thinking about in my head – I Stop those thoughts of judgment and blame (Like they don’t get it, they should know better, they should agree with me) I stop, breath an become present here and realize I am wanting to support an illusion of me needing to be better than another to validate my existence as someone who is worthy to be here, worthy of existence through the believe in competition as survival, thus the believe that I will not survive/die unless I win.  

  I commit myself to stopped living the annoyed character as this is not LIFE but an illusionary thought process in the mind, meaning it is not real and does not support Living and Live but takes away from life in that if one is always in their mind planning and articulating words to come out better than another, this supports separation and not Oneness – thus abuse persists and prevails.  

Day 25 SCS Fear To Be Wrong

SCS for fear to be wrong.

When and if I see myself going into a defensive mode/character of wanting to be right, or wanting to explain my point of view – I stop those thoughts, breath and become present HERE in awareness of what I am doing and I understand this is the believe that I needed to validate myself as a person who is not wrong, because I had the fear of being wrong as punishment and as a death of me. Thus I was fearing the death of me (could also be seen as a symbolic death of my ego, as the ego lives in and as polarity) and I realize that I am still here without having to be right or wrong and that I now no long accepted and allow myself to live in this illusionary: ill- losing fear of losing. If you lose you do not win and you die.

Day 25: Fear to Be WRONG

I Want to Be Right Character:

This is coming up in so many ways I do not know where to even begin.

I can start with an example that just unfolded. I was blaming my brother for 9 years for not supporting me when I found a house that I thought I could afford monthly payments on. I wanted him to co-sign a loan for me. Instead he said he could buy it outright and move in. We were going to share ownership – him getting his full money back if sold and any expenses he put into the houses, and I was to pay for all the bills, like insurance electric phone. And then if sold we would split what was left. Long story short, he now has the house and I have never forgiven him for it.

I did 2 days of investigating this within myself when I was confronted that I have not let go of the house and I think I am entitled to what my brother has, and that I am lying about what went on and may other accusations. I am glad I was confronted with this because I saw yes – I still have issues about the house. I have been pretending to MYSELF that I had let it go – but others were seeing the truth – that I hadn’t and for some reason I did not want to admit it. When I found the reason, and it is, I have been angry and jealous that my brother had the money to buy the house, and angry that he did not see it to support me to get a house of my own – and I have been holding onto this for 9 years!!! Geee…

What I came to see within me was that – I wanted to let it go – but I had an emotional memory attached to it that I was suppressing/not wanting to admit. It was not that I wanted what my brother has, but it is I felt that he should of or should have wanted to support me in getting a house of my own because he could. Now that I look at it –why should he? He does not owe me that.

.

Bottom line is I wanted a house that I could own – and I am pissed that it did not happen, and I was blaming him.

So the part about being right – I did not want to admit that my brother did not own me anything, and I wanted to be right in that I thought he took advantage of me. I was being the victim of not being supported by him. And within that I have been carrying resentment, spite and blame towards him.

 The memory that kept playing in my head and kept getting triggered was thinking he owed me the support because I was the one who spent 5 months to find a home. This was my excuse to be angry; I found the house and it was supposes to be mine and I wanted him to see that – that I was believing I had lost something I thought was suppose to be mine – thus “wanting to be right”. What I am angry at myself for is I did not want to own a house with him but I allowed myself to be talked into it and I was not truthful about how I felt. I am seeing now it would have been better to be honest and not take the house then to go into it with resentment to start with! So I have been using him to blame for MY CHOICES. How could he have known what I was feeling if I did not have the courage to tell him.

I forgive myself that I have not seen that I have been accepting and allowing myself for all these years to be angry at Rob for not supporting me to get a house of my own

I forgive myself that I have been finding ways to not see this clearly and making up all kinds of other excuse to blame him, when all said and done it is I was really angry at him for not supporting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see this until now and thus I have been harboring anger and blame towards Rob for not supporting me to have a house of my own.

I forgive myself that I have been holding onto this blame and anger for all this time, thus within that I have caused stress for myself and others.

 I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to live in a memory feeling picture of a past experience that I have not seen  or understood until now that has been affecting me and those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been

 deceiving myself into thinking a person owes me something, and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause harm through deceitfulness disguised as wanting to being right thus hiding from myself that I was a accepting and allowing myself to be a victim, and with in that using the excuse of blame, anger and spite towards another for how I was feeling.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was hanging onto the idea/belief that I was right so that I could hold onto this anger and blame toward another so I can be right, instead to take responsibly to see my own feelings and emotions and understand that all emotions and feelings are within myself and not caused my another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation, and within this I have allowed unresolved issues to fester as blame, judgment, gossip and backchat within myself instead to face what is really going on within me out of fear of the reactions from another.

I have fear of confrontations because I have been unresourceful in conveying my feelings as I see now it is because I did not know or understand how to talk to someone that has a different idea than me as I would see it as they are wrong and I am right attitude and hold this within myself and it would most always let to heated arguments and even sometime physical anger.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know or understand that started at a young age that I thought/believed one had to be right or wrong within different ideas, thus causing defensiveness within expressing feelings and that I have had this so ingrained within myself that I now see that my fear of confrontation is really that I believed someone had to be right and someone had to be wrong. Thus MY STARTING POINT is one of confrontation.

 

 I always believed I was going to get attacked for saying what I was feeling or thinking – but now I see why – My starting point was to confront – to; con-be the one in front. Meaning I had to be the one right. Because if I was not “right” that meant I was WRONG!

Thus the desire, defensiveness, manipulations, deceitfulness to avoid the truth is all so one does not have to be WRONG. It is like the fear to be wrong had made the dangerous opposite worse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being wrong is bad and within this I have lived and breathed the desire to be right so much that I have not even seen that it is my reason to be and live because I had a fear of punishment I thought/believed I would receive if I was wrong. Wow – I thought/believed I will be punished if I am wrong. Okay now this is going into a different direction

Why is it so hard to see when you are wrong – Why do we fear being wrong – Why do we fight to be right?

Because we fear being punished if we are wrong!   

Why do I want to be liked? Because I fear I did something wrong if not liked and if not liked I can be punished

So fear of being punished? What does punished mean to me?

Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person, animal, organization or entity in response to behavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity.The authority may be either a group or a single person, and punishment may be carried out formally under a system of law or informally in other kinds of social settings such as within a family

So Punishment means response to behavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity  So I have been believing that if I am wrong – it is deemed unacceptable.

I saw a show the other day, and two people were discussing things that were going on.

One person said something about a subject and the other one said, that is not what happened it happened this way. And the first person said, “Oh I stand corrected.”

This really stuck with me, because I though how cool they can “stand corrected” without a fuss or argument about who is right or who is wrong.   

Day 24: Annoyed Character

We at Desteni have 4 online group chats weekly where we discuss self honesty and this was a question someone asked. 

Question: What is the root of annoyance, I become annoyed at people very easily, impatient as well...
Anu: Annoyance; when you've had backchat in your mind towards people where you have won and they have lost, and then you manifest annoyance towards them as your armor of protecting your 'i was right and you were wrong'

I saw myself doing this yesterday towards people in my mind - and it is true I was having a conversation in my head about “why don’t they do this, it would be better for them, they are not taking responsibly and I know how they can but they don’t think I am right about this or they don’t want to do it and I am annoyed at them because I am right and they are wrong. lol!

This is very interesting - because to me I have something that is working for me and I believe it would work for everyone if they did it. So I do judge them for not doing it - because I am doing it, and it is hard work, so I am better than them because I am doing it. But I really don’t feel that way - I don’t feel better than them - I feel what is the point talking about your shit if you wont look at yourself as to why. Thus the annoyance is I cannot be equal to you in conversation because you choose to be a victim to your personality characters.

So it is more like I want to be equal with them, but they are not allowing it, is how I feel.

But it is all about me so I have to figure out this one or I separate myself from people.

Ah maybe just ask them how do being like that or thinking like that make you feel?

What I can say to my friend - “You feel separate from people because you want people to like you - when you tell someone something you want to feel like you are rewarded for your information that you have given, thus you want something from others. So if you do not get a response from someone that gives you a feeling of validation you go into judgment and then that turns into fear to approach someone. It is the fear you will not get validated. And then one will go into go into backchat in their mind about how they are right and the other one is wrong. Thus the internal struggle and abuse.”

I just saw as I am sitting here writing that when and if and when I see myself going into annoyance towards another because I see they are in victim mode that I can stop and BREATH and become present HERE as THEM as ME and realizing that I do this ( what they do to myself) and within that I can possibly offer some insight instead to judge and feel annoyed.

Opps - I just saw that I don’t want to have to be bothered to give them insight!

Shit - now what is that about…as I thought about this I went into annoyance again as backchat.

I will continue this.

Day 23 The I don’t want to do it Character

Within our deliberate conscious awareness we as the Desteni group are looking at and debunking our

characters that we have accepted and allowed to run our life's. Link below provide support. 

 The I don’t want to do it Character

I would say at this point this is the most frequent backchat voice that I encounter.

It is always there everyday for most anything. I will set up my goals for the day, or I have set it up the previous day, these are things I need to do at this time to practically create stability in my life. The goals include things like getting my business going so I can have an income, Desteni support and SRA or projects needing done for my living environment. When I set up my goals for the next day of what I want to accomplish I am happy about it and many times I “seem” to look forward to it.

Then the next day comes and I get out of bed - I make coffee as the computer boots up and I am ready to start right away… then resistance comes. I don’t want to do this - I am tired of doing this. To me being tired of doing something is because I feel I have already done it and the “I don’t like repetitious stuff character” comes out as the excuse.

Ah… meaning I feel I am not living unless I am doing something new or different - hm and that is not even true. It is more like I need energetic energy mindset that says hey this will be fun. So I need the idea of it being fun to move me.

And you know what - that type of energy comes and goes. I say that because one day I am “up” to doing these things and I am having fun. Then the next day it feels like I am in molasses trying to move, - the mind energy stimulation of this will be fun is not there. So it vacillates- just like energy is supposed to. The swing, positive to negative.

It is interesting to note that it feels painful to do something I do not want to do. A mental pain of battle between I know I should do this - to I don’t want to do this. It has been exhausting at times.

This is from  Sunette during one of our chats:

<Sunette> "I have to stop my thoughts" - character - it's a character because "I HAVE to stop MY thoughts" - then there's an I and a My and a "have to" - in this character, does one then ever really stop thoughts? The difference between character and Here, is a doing/living action in the moment, so whenever there is a statement instead of immediate application: you're creating a character

<Sunette> "I can't stop my thoughts" - character - so now you're in this character of "I can't stop my thoughts" giving yourself in your living the instruction - uploading the memory into your mainframe and "voila" there you as the character of "I can't stop my thoughts" don't stop thoughts.

Ah I just saw something else. My land mate just came over to give me a hose nozzle to try for the chicken yard when I “have the time”, she had to go to work. I just saw my backchat - it was anger that she keeps telling me of things that need done - so I feel I have to do them. And I think gee - doesn’t she know how much stuff I need to get done already?!! So what I am doing here was projecting my anger on what I need to do at her, because I feel I am already procrastinating on the things I need to do for myself.

I forgive myself that I had not seen that I was projecting my anger of my own procrastination onto another that wants me to do something instead to see and take responsibly for seeing that anger was really at myself.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need energy to move me by having a fantasy of something being fun to create the movement.

I just saw now in my writing above that in a way I am trying to validate the “I don’t want to do this character”, by understanding it - but the problem is - just by understanding it does not mean it will stop.

Thus when and if I see the “I don’t want to do this character” coming out - I Stop - I breath and realize this a pattern mcs that I have been accepting and allowing to be “valid”. Thus by accepting it to be valid I have been believing it to be a truth of who and what I am. I now see and understand that it is ME who is allowing this and thus it is Me that can stop it.  

Thus when and if I see this “ I don’t want to do this character” coming out I Stop and breath, become present Here and move myself.

Other Characters coming out of this one:

There should be more to life than this character

Life should be fun character

Don’t waste your energy character

I will continue on next post with deconstructing patterns.

Great blogs to assist with this >> 

 "Looking for More of Myself " from Heaven´s Journey to Life and

"Stepping out of Character" from the Creations Heaven Journey. 

Day 22 Not wanting to Move because of repetitious actions

Chasing energetic highs is life    

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind backchat that tells me I do not want to move. That I do not want to do what needs to be done to follow my plan.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing the mind backchat to come up with tons of bullshit excuses to not move and they make no sense except like a rebellion just to have one - just… I cannot even validate an excuse because I have followed them all before and they lead to just circles of mind shit that have nothing to do with Life.

The backchat is I want to do something “fun” not what I “have” to do. Yet I cannot even think what would be fun - so it is like a temper tantrum feeling. Fun can be in any moment. Anyway it is just this feeling like no- I just don’t want too. lol!

So I see - it is a mental temper tantrum that has got nothing to do with anything except just to have it. Like some sort of control through being stubborn. 

I forgive myself that I am addicted to waiting for energy to move me thinking that…. hm I did not know what to write here - I could not see the point of resistance. Later that day I read the group chats from the day before and I saw this;

From chat: Response to persons question: I'd say what you're experiencing is more in relation to in a way 'knowing' that there is more to self/life than what one is walking at the moment - though don't manipulate yourself with this point in creating a depression, rather use it as a motivation for self - so, same application applies, stop the backchat in your relationship to your job.

I thought ahh --This is what I am doing.

The resistance is coming from frustration of wanting to move on - I get frustrated with what I think is repetition of a chore or action. I feel - okay I have done that - I want to move on - I want more different experiences. Thus this is the energy addiction I have. I am labeling different experiences as movement because they cause energy “high”.

Thank you Andrew for posting your question 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase “there is more to life than doing this same thing over and over” as an excuse to stop movement by going into self-pity and depression.

 Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to go into depression where I can not move because I believe that doing something repetitious, where I get bored is beneath me, that it is not life and I should be doing something “greater”. But what I am really wanting is the energetic highs from new distractions and all this is going on in my mind, as I am Not Here but somewhere else in fantasy.

Thus I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing the idea that there is more to life than what I am doing now to stop me from Life as an pattern of frustration and self pity where within this I can not move - I do not move because of the emotional pattern of believing that life should be more cause me to feel less than what is here because I want to be more than what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that chasing energetic highs is life and thus when I do repetitious things I feel less than life because there is no more “energetic high” feeling.

Thus when I see myself go into frustration when having to do repetitious things I stop and see it is a programmed pattern believe that life is some where else thus keeping me from being present within HERE, as a believe that there is always something better that I should be doing and I move myself .