Day 21: Investigating Reaction to Loss

Today we found that something had taken one of the mothering Banty Chickens.

 We could not find her but found some of her feathers. It might have been a hawk or eagle.

I was trying to be aware of my feelings during this discovery. I was sad, as only the day before she was with her chicks teaching them how to find food on the ground. I felt sad for her, I imagined that she was in fear as this was happening. She was like a pet as well.

Then I imagined her being torn apart as what ever got her intended to eat her. I felt bad we were not there to maybe stop it; she was probably alone as she finally, after a week of mothering the chicks felt she could go out to the grassy area.

So what is my reaction? I am sort of numb; a feeling of powerlessness, all the care we took to protect the chickens from predators is not a guarantee that they will be safe.

I think this reflects our own vulnerability to death. We can be here today, and go tomorrow.

I am looking at life differently today. I am Looking At It, in silence; it all can be gone in a moment. I continue on with my day as I am Here to continue.  

I do not know or feel to do SF on how I am feeling - but to just acknowledge what I am feeling. I had a bit of sadness, some anger at how in this existence we need to kill other beings to survive. It is weird. It is just weird that we live in an existence of victims and predators.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe and or think that this is okay - to kill others for self-gain.

I forgive myself that because I was born into a world of victims and predators that I had to accepted and allow myself to make it be okay and thus allow the abuse we cause to each other as okay, the way it is, and thus to hide from this I have turned off feelings through entertainment and survival.

I dedicate myself to seeing and understanding the mind consciousness system for what it is within myself and to understand that within this, change for All is possible.

Day 20: Dieing as a Searcher for Knowledge and Validation - Living as Trust

Self Forgiveness for Previous Days Post: 

I forgive myself that I did not know or understand that seeking knowledge was an attempt to validate myself as a person/being that would have worth because of knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for and gain knowledge as a way to validate my existence. And within this I became obsessed as a seeker wanting more and more as I was trying to understand who I was, why I was here and what I was suppose to do, not seeing that I was giving away myself, my power, my life to something, someone else that can tell me who I was. Thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not TRUST me, but look outside of myself for something to trust.

Yesterday after I wrote the previous Blog I stumbled on this in my DIP account. A note from Sunette - This was a year ago! >> Sunette Spies (Moderator) commented:

Adele - you see the points quite clearly and specifically, all you require is realising that you can in fact trust you; that it's all in fact about you, trusting you and seeing, realising that you do have insight into points clearly and so are already standing on your own two feet - quite stable. All that requires in the "equation" of self-acceptance and finally living that trust absolute = Is You!  

I am amazed that I did not see this - That I did not understand this at all. I did not know what trusting myself meant! lol - I have been blinded by wanting to please others to gain THEIR TRUST - thinking and believing that this would give me my trust…All the time doing things to get approval/trust from others thinking/believing that without it I could not exist, that I would be nothing of value without someone else noticing/validating me.

I forgive myself that because I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation outside of myself that I have caused great stress within my being through the feeling and believing of unworthiness. As I was always in my starting point of action/doing seeing a future project of being accepted in the eyes of another, and along with this future projection of hoping for approval was the constant fear of not getting it. Thus I forgive myself that I did not see or understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to be living a life of fear everyday as most all my actions had a starting point of projection for acceptance.  

I forgive myself that because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed validation through getting knowledge so I can give it to others was in fact an action to seek validation that I have cause much stress to my physical body, I have hurt and abused my physical body through have fear of non acceptance. I have shorten my breathing as one would hold there breath when in fear - I have been slowly doing this to my body over all these years as it got worse as I am not older.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause damage to my wonderful body who has provided me with a space to experience life, not seeing or realizing the damage I caused because I was so in the mind - thinking, contriving to find ways to get validation - I had not respect at all for the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how important the body is, as a gift of life as ME, I did not see the body as me - but as something else outside of me. Thus I forgive myself that I did not see this.

I now see how I was doing this to myself - how I was not trusting myself - thus when the feeling of stress comes which is a fear of not being approved when I do an action - I stop in that moment I realize I am in stress - I breath and know that I trust myself - I trust Life as Me and know I can do nothing wrong - As it is The Ego that creates right and wrong. Not Life.

Day 19 Who would I be If I Died Right Now?

I have different titles for this blog -

What can I say about myself if I died right now?

Who would I be If I Died Right Now?

Dieing as information and knowledge

Dieing as an Unfulfilled Searcher

My funeral, I have been dead.

I have been going through a lot of intense… backchat - self judgment and guilt. I had a what I call a melt down - that is when (I see this meaning now) I give up and just have to sob and sob and with that the mind stops for a bit.

During this melt down, I asked myself who would I be if I DIED right now. What can I say my life was about? What came up is - Adele you would die as a searcher, and have never known life because you are always searching for something. I see that I have ALWAYS - my whole life searched for knowledge and information - that this was my driving force - I have read every spiritual book and physics, and cosmos and religion theologians, on and on - and I saw that I am doing it still!  The tears and melt down came from knowledge and information over load - and just wanting to hear words, more and more, and not DO, not BE, not LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have lived a compete life of wanting, searching for information to make me feel secure. I wanted THE ANSWER. Funny thing is I was given the answer many, many times, but it was too simple, there had to be more! It was an obsession with me - an addiction - to know the truth, all of it, to the point that I was not living, but searching for more and more - I was grasping for everything I could get my hands on.

The next day after the melt down - I saw what I was and it scared me, an information junky obsessed with wanting more knowledge in the hopes that I can finally figure out who I was. I felt fear - ashamed that this is me. This is what I have been my whole life.  And that within this - I felt broken, I felt there was no where else to turn…all these years of searching for information - finding a zillion answers, here I was - NOTHING but an unfulfilled searcher who if I died now I really did nothing.  Then I heard myself, some part of me say, “Adele you forgot to trust yourself.” wow - I must of heard this I do not know how many times before - but now - I see what that means. Within those words I saw that I always judged EVERYTHING I DO through COMPARISON to something else. 

Thus everything I do had a fear behind it, of judgment. Thus the endless search for something to make me feel good about me - I had to find it OUT THERE, out side of me, because I simply did not Trust myself. I was always afraid to make decisions - though I did make them, underneath I felt I always had to Defend them - to say I want you to know what I am doing is right - I wanted OTHERS to know it was right. Thus still seeking, searching for self-validation through others. This is my life, and with more knowledge and information adding up as a false sense of Self.

At this point today as I am writing this I am in somber awe. Yes it is like being at a funeral. My funeral, I have been dead.

The day after I heard to trust myself - I lived that day in trust - instead of judging every movement (which by the way was killing me - my fear to even move because of self judgment become so great I was dieing - which I had to do- to see)

I had a day free of guilt, I do not know if I have ever had a day like this before, I did not become exuberant within this, or glorified it - it was just an awareness of thoughts coming to judge - and I said, I trust LIFE as Me - I - the EGO I does not know what life is, and the trust has to come outside of the EGO which wants to judge everything.

So what I saw was, I was living as EGO - which is afraid of Being HERE, afraid of living. I also that day for maybe the first time was able to sit in quiet during part of the day as the sun was going down, I sat in silence and was guilt free - when I tried to sit in silence before - I felt guilt for not doing something!

And when trust is not HERE - ego is.

I will give an example: I have a thought to do something, then something else, then something else, and now I have all of these thoughts. Which one should I do first? Is that one important - I don’t want to do that - I rather do this, but what about that, and so on and so on. I was driving myself crazy. Now when those thought come - I realize that I CAN NOT MAKE A MISTAKE and now I can MOVE without fear. This is how I see the saying TRUST YOURSELF. Because even if I do something that does not turn out - say maybe for the best - I have just learned how to either do it different - or it is of no concern, meaning I stopped judging how it/what I do turns out.

Day 18: Denied, Making Money - I am on the wrong planet

I have just seen within me that that trigger today for this anger was because I was denied acceptance to a cpa network that I wanted to support me in m y business. This created fear and angry that now I will have to work harder and find something else, thus I went into self pity and fear that I now want to give up, which is what I have done many times before. Thus I am accepting and allowing myself to believe in and use self  pity to give up. I am accepting and allowing the emotion of self pity to dictate my life, instead of me standing clear within me and self directing myself.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated because I have to do things to make money.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed with the constant daily waking moments on how I can make money with an online business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like the idea and resist having to push myself to do the things I need to do to make money online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should not be having to do these things to make money, and that this is robbing me from life - even though I do not even know what I would do in life without not having to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at life because I feel that we as humans must dedicate our lives to making money to survive instead to be one with nature and ourselves.

I realize now and understand that it is not life I am angry at but at ourselves for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame LIFE, thinking life is against us, instead to see and realize that it is us as humans that do this to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a product of money as self interest instead of a community that supports all of life.

I see now and understand that my frustration is one of self interest because I felt I should not have to do this. That I was special and dropped onto the wrong planet. Thus I had anger and blame at life, not seeing or understanding that I had to change my very core of my being - what I had become and walk a process of change.      

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the word “denied” to cause me to go into self pity, blame of life and anger towards life, as I saw the word denied as a fear of not making money. Denied, the fear of how will I survive now. It felt like - I have denied you life. LOL. Thus triggered the anger and resistance to having to make money.

I see now that the word denied does not define who I am unless I accepted and allow it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the word denied defines who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe when the word denied is used towards me, that I see it used against me, thus seeing it as a statement that life is against me and I, who I think I am is kicked out, not liked, not approved of and then within that belief I go into self pity.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and associate the word denied, to meaning I, my being, who and what I think I am, is not worthy of life.

I now see and understand this word does not define me, who and what I think I am unless I accept and allow it to.