Day 13: SF - Fear of Being Judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked or approved by others thus causing me to do things to get approval from others, therefor I have been living my life for what others my think of me, instead to live a life that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this personality program and to allow it to direct me how I lived and functioned in the world.

From: >> Creations Journey to Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life in self interest instead of living a Life as what is best for all. I now dedicated my life to deleting self interest as the ego. I dedicate my life to dieing as an ego personality through self honesty and self forgiveness and rebirthing myself free of self interest/ego. Within this Life can be born where abuse stops as we consider each other and what is best for All.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that as much as free choice is the reason for my imprisonment, it is also the key to unlock the prison and set me and everyone free, as we are all free to make the choice that is best for all life in every way, and then with this freedom gained I will be able to show to all others still imprisoned to Earth, how to set themselves free and why it is in everyone’s best interest to choose the best version of self as that which is the original life that was given and then lost to the mind and the system of ego. Failure to help everyone else unlock their prisons will lead to me being imprisoned by those not yet free, as they will continue participating in a world-system that is feeding the prison of the mind. <<


I forgive myself  that because I have lived as the fear of judgment from others I have not stood up for myself and what is best for all of life, but just lived for approval and being liked by others as I believed that was a noble cause! lol gee.

I am ashamed to admit this but I remember having a fantasy of when I died I would have many, many people at the funeral. And what that meant to me was that many people liked me! I actually believed this was the ultimate goal for me. Within this I would do things for people to make them like me. This could be because my family moved often when I was young - so I was always the new girl in school - thus to make friends fast - I would do things that I thought they would like - there for  liking me.
What ever the reason does not really matter- we are programed to live the life we have at birth - because we have accepted and allowed this crap and thought it was who we were. 

Thus by using the tools of being self honest to see the shit that we do as our personality and then writing self forgiveness we can start to take our power back from the ego and actually direct ourselfs as Life that is best for ALL.  


I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being liked by others was the highest goal for me.


When and if I see that I am living life with the starting point of wanted to be liked - I stop and forgive myself for having that starting point, and I will do this until I no longer live as that.

Day 11: Fear of being Judged

I am seeing this pattern of having a good day - I feel good, I have the energy to get things done and be productive- then the next day I am full of resistance- I do not want to do anything but chill out- and then I go into guilt because of that. This has been going on for awhile now. The hardest part about it is the guilt on the day I have resistance and I do stop and just chill.
I have this belief that life should be about being - not doing, though in the being you are doing but you are doing within the moment, not doing because of have too. Like have to do things to make money.

I have resistance to writing daily because I dont know what to write anymore.  I have written about 3,000 posts on the Desteni forums in the past, 2,000 of them were Writing to Freedom and Self Forgiveness.
This keeps going on in my head of why I do not want to write on this new blog. I have forgiven myself on many points that came up in those 3yrs. Now it is about daily dealing with all of those forgiveness points by being aware of my thoughts and checking polarity points and stopping them.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to engage in thoughts of frustration about doing things I do not want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the feelings of guilt to overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life by guilt- that I learned this from a young age. Guilt being taught by parents and elders. Guilt being taught that if you dont do what I want you to do - then something is wrong with you. You wont be liked if you do not do what others want from you.
hmm wow - I have been living a life fueled by guilt to please others so I will be liked. So much, so that I dont even know who I am.
Interesting - really if you do not relate to others some how you will really be alone. Yet I can not relate to others anymore like I use to unless they are interested in what is best for all. And even within that I am alone. I live alone and do process alone. I stopped going onto Desteni forums because I now have to focus on making some kind of income that will support me for these later years of my life. I am going onto 60yrs. And I want my own online business.  I have worked hard all my life - starting at age 13 to make money to get the things I needed. I do not want to keep waitressing. Any way,  with going to college  full time and working part time,  my days are full of have to dos. Not to mention, I take care of all the things pertaining to my house hold.
Leaky roofs, trailer maintenance, and chicken coop duties.  
Interesting - I am afraid Desteni wont like me any more because I can not participate as much as I did.
wow - okay I admitted it. This is my fear, that I will be judged for not participating.
This has always been my fear with any group or persons - being judged.

2 points to look at
Fear of being Judged ( hm noticed how I capitalized the J)
Doing things out of guilt - for  fear of being judged .
Do SF on this

Day 9: Ego and Self Interest

I forgive myself that I was born into a world that does not care for each other and nature.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fall into the ego of humanity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make out humantiy as good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ego driven to fit into the life I was born into.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to all the suffering and abuse in the world so long as my self world was okay
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into competion and spitfulness as a way of life, and I forgive myself that I did not know how else to be, there were no role models to show another way.
I forgive myself that none of the men in power really cared about humanity but most were/are only acting in self interest as money and power being there goal.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to beleive like them, that it is money and power that will make a person happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a person that has been ego and self desire driven, not wanting to care about the part of the world that is starving and suffering and then since no one had solution to this, I went along with the insane beleif that this is what God wanted  and we should not question God. I see this now as a really stupid reason, like beleiving in a fairy tail that will fix something. I see it now as a way for those with power to put fear into people so they will not stand and end the abuse.
As I forgive myself for my egnorance and self interest - I now start to stand and change my thinking and ego baised believes and learn to think in ways that are best for all of life- where all of life is worthy and respected. I join up with others of like mind to support and make a difference, as a new world can only be here with a group who is ready to stop living as the self interest ego mind

Day 8: Tired of Life Back Chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the life long pattern I have of the thought “ I am tired of Life.”

I forgive myself that I am tired of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of pain in my body and there for use the words I am tired of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being tired because that means I do not want to get anything done for the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired really in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am a victim of polarity swings. One day I feel good and do a lot and the next day I am tired and just want to be, not do because I have too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of thinking one day that I want to do, and then the next day I believe and feel that I have to do. And the feeling of “have to” causes depression, self judgment and an internal battle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something when I don’t want to is a battle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired of this internal constant battle of being tired and not wanting to do and thus therefore go into guilt and self judgment and therefore start to see life as a battle.

I forgive myself that I do not know how to stop this within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want it to stop on its own. I am not sure if it is the self judgment that I should stop, or if it is okay to just take a break when I feel this way.  

When the feeling of being tire comes up and I start feeling guilty, I will try to not accepted and allow the believe that I am doing something wrong and thus go into guilt.

I can feel tired without the guilt as that makes me more tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and feel guilty when I am feeling tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am not in the mood to do something that I then believe that I am tired, when it is really that I don’t want to do something that is required to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do what is required to do; thinking and believing that there is something else I want to do - when really there isn’t…

Hmmm... 

So I want to do it??? What is saying that I don’t want to do it? Wow - there are two of me.

I forgive myself that there are two of me. lolol.

Day 7: The Word "Trying" as a Fear

I woke up with the feeling that I am tired of my life.

What will this day bring me? What thoughts are going to attack me today? If I am seeing these thoughts - then are the thoughts who I am? Who is seeing the thoughts? And who or what is the thought? I must not let my thoughts get me down… You know they wouldn’t be these days if I did not have to worry about money. I am seeing that my business won’t work… Or is it that I don’t want to do the work to make my business work? Yes that is the case, because I do this a lot.  I forgive myself that I accepted and allow myself to give up because I am tired of doing the same thing day after day, with no results.

I was struggling to get this day going -

I just pushed myself to get onto Facebook and started cleaning out my NetworkedBlogs  so I can follow the new 7yr self forgiveness journals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost fear starting this day. By almost I mean - I pushed though - I wrote about it, I did self forgiveness out loud. I made my coffee and now the fear is gone (for a moment). The fear was that I was fearing me thinking the thoughts that I am tired with my life. I wanted to give up - I wanted to stop trying to make an online business, which is what I am in college for. I wanted to stop doing things for others for my survival… Anyway the mind was ready to rock and roll with all kinds of poor me excuses. 

Self Forgiveness as Me fearing my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thoughts that want me to go into self pity because of all the same back chat shit that has nothing to do with being HERE - Alive HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and believe these thoughts that want me to give up, that say I am tired, that say I am not accomplishing anything thus there for why keep trying?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe because I am doing something that I have labeled it as “trying”… Thus living in a polarity of using the word trying as either a failure or success. When you try - you are actually doing . So if I think of this with common sense - I never try - I always do and there for the believe that you can fail - or not doing something is not true. I am doing - We always keep doing, it is the mind consciousness system that will put a polarity of right or wrong. When you try, you do and always learn from it.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that you can fail from trying. Wow! You cannot fail from trying. You never can. You can only fail because the mind is a polarity and it is a thought only - You might not like to do something - but that does not mean failed.

Trying should be taken out of our vocabulary because it implies possible fear of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the belief and fear of the idea that I can fail at something because of the word trying.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word trying as a polarity of failed or succeeded, of doing it right or doing it wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/see the words “ I am trying” as fear of failing, instead to just see it as a doing with no right or wrong.

When and as I catch myself thinking or feeling that I am trying, and thus go into fear of why bother, I Stop, and Breathe. I say SF out loud - and I realize that this is not true and just a polarity thought of doing something right or wrong. I realize this is the mind excuse as “why bother” and the program to not stand.

I realize that trying IS DOING and I stop using the word try. 

Day 6: When Things Are Not Going My Way

I woke up dreaming about Equal Life Foundation - and coming up with slogans in my dreamy state - Serving Humanity Humanely - Equal Life Church - Serving Humanity Humanely. Then I reached for the tape recorder to record what I saying, then I just got out of bed and started my day.

Anyway I started to panic - become overwhelm again with all these thoughts of all the things I wanted to do. And I heard the words calm down - and remember the video about resistance - ah yet here it is again. But by remembering the video and my self forgiveness and self corrective statements - I Stopped the thoughts of overwhelmness and fear, breathed and brought myself back to the physical and tasks at hand.

Well as the day starts I am having problems with my Internet connection - this happens often, I am on a role with things I am doing and the Internet stops-

BREATH, I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into frustration and fear thinking how can I do what I need to do if the Internet is not working.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependant on the Internet as a way to stand up for life, and take care of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow anger and frustration just because the Internet is not working.

I STOP the frustrating thoughts and fear of not doing enough - I breathe and then just do what I can without going into stress.

It is interesting when this happens because now I have to re-gather my thoughts, to continue with the days work. But I think it is also good training - meaning we cannot always get what we want. So I am learning to be present and in control of myself as my emotions. Mostly in the past I would get very angry when things were not going how I wanted them too. And I would go into blame, anger and self pity at things outside of me.

Good point to write out self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when thing are not going how I want them to, thus causes myself stress though blame, frustration and self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that when things are going my way I am happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy when things are going my way, and then if things are not going my way I become angry, and frustrated and I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when things are not going my way, thus I am in the polarity game of happy and mad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and be happy and think I am doing something right, if things are going my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if thing are not going how I want them too - that means I am doing something wrong and thus I then go into anger at myself and the world, and then I go into self pity and self blame. Wow what a self beat up!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up when things are not going how I think or want them too.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up, because I have believe that the world is against me when thing are not going how I want them too.

I forgive myself for being angry at myself and the world, when things are not going how I think they should or how I want them too in my daily duties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into frustrations against me and the world when some daily duties or activity do not go how I would like them too and then because of the frustration and self pity I become tired through the stress I have accepted and allowed.

I will from now on try to be aware of the feelings and emotions of stress and frustration when something happens that is not what I want to happen. And within this, when I see myself going into frustration and or resentment - I stop in that moment and Breathe - I correct these thoughts by not allowing myself to follow them. I realize that having these thoughts are not what is best for All of life, and I realize that I am now in my life changing the patterns of who I accepted myself to be, to become one of a stableness within Myself and Life, as I realize that I am the one who creates reality for myself and others as myself. 

Day 5: Hospice For My Dad

My brother and I had a meeting with Hospice for my Dad today. He is in a nursing home and has pretty much stopped eating. He is coherent but is becoming very quiet. He is 90yrs old. Have so much to say about it that I don't know what to say! 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not knowing what to say or where to begin. The truth is I dont have the time to write everything I am thinking and feeling at this time.
I am also not feeling very well. I have cold or flu symptoms.
I wonder about resistance. Meaning I am not sure at times what is resistance and what is just a time to rest?
When I want to stop should I because it is time to rest or am I being lazy? Hmm. I usually am always pushing myself to get things done, and I allow myself time in the evening to relax a bit before going to bed.

Back to the topic. Is is sad to watch my dad die. Because he looks sad. I think he is genuinely  pissed that he can not move like he use too and has nothing to live for anymore. He mentioned once about 3 or 4 months ago about dieing. I say it was okay to die. I think he wanted to know how I would feel if he died.
We got a little pamphlet about dealing with loved ones who are dieing, it says no one wants to die even if they say they do. So Dad will be gone from our lives soon.
How do I feel about that? I feel okay that he will be gone - the hard part is I think he doesn't want to go and is scared. So the hard part is watching him deal with his own death. I want him to die happy...lol!

Why am I laughing? Who dies happy? I dont know. He had a pretty good life. He worked hard but did pretty much what he wanted. He had food, a car, shelter a wife and girlfriend most of his life. In fact he started going down hill when he and his girlfriend were getting to old to do anything. His sex life was very important to him.
He didn't drink or drug, he just like working and sex. He had a better life than many of the starving and homeless that are half of our population. How do they die? I would think that if I was in there shoes with all the suffering that we as humanity has caused because we do not look out for others in suffering countries that I would want to die. I mean how much suffering goes on when there is nothing to eat?
Yet no one wants to die.
I will get back to this -

Day 4:School Work For Money

I am spending so much time doing school work - so I can survive in this system that uses money to equal Life.
It is a shame really, instead of being able to help bring in the message of equality and equal money, I have to spend time to pass my courses so I can get the grants and loans to pay my bills.
I do not mind studying and learning new things - but when the pressure is on because the fear of losing financial aid... well you know what I mean. And then there is student dept...

Our whole journey on this planet is about money. It is a shame. We are raised to learn how to get jobs and make money so we can become consumers. We are valued by how much we can consume because that equals money to the advertizes and health industry.

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be born in a system that values money above life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget as a child and be swept up by economic society so that I can fit in and survive.

I forgive myself that I did not know how to change this and fell into the trap that all has fallen into - to make money our source of survival, instead to just care and support each other and nature. Money is not  needed to survive - we have just made it that way, more to the fact we have just accepted and allowed it to be that way.

Wouldn't it be nice if we as humanity would stop this charade and start to care and live a life that supports all of nature and humanity. Lets stand together and support an Equal Money System. This is a website where you can actually see the changes that will support this, and be able to vote and leave comments.

I forgive myself that at this time I have to work for money until we as humanity will stand up and make a change not based on profit but on life equal for all.

Day 3: Exploring Resistance

I see now after listing to the Reptilian Interview #20 that I was treating resistance as painful and something to avoid. Of course this made it even more intense because I was in a matter of fact resisting resistance! lol
Now that I understand it - it is still there but I am breathing through it,  I am not accepting and allowing myself to follow the thoughts that I use to have about it. Meaning - I would feel the resistance and go into mind chat with all kinds of stories, like I don't want to do this, what I am doing is causing the resistance that I want to avoid, what should I do now.. etc...
When I heard it was a personality implant that we all have, to create and avoidance to truly know who we are, I was at first very angry, like WTF! But then when I saw it for what it was, and did self forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to believe in this resistance as something wrong with me or something that controlled me because this is what we are taught, we are taught that our personality is who we are and we even will defend it, no matter how messes up it is. My believe in the painfulness of resistance was even starting to make me sick. I judged myself so much for thinking I always had to fight it.
Now I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that resistance is painful, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I experienced resistance that something was wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I experienced resistance that something was wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because if I experienced resistance I believed that something was wrong with me, and thus not worthy of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this believe that resistance is painful and that I did not know that it was just a feeling that I did not have to put a label on, such as I am doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label  myself as something wrong with me when I experienced resistance and thus then went into self pity and self blame instead to just feel it and move on without believing in all the mind stories.

When and if I experience resistance I stop and  breath and I no longer accepted and allow myself to go into self judgment and self pity. I will feel it for what it is - just a feeling and I will stop following the mind stories.
 

Day 2: Cont: Resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to believe and use the feeling of resistance as a hindrance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things because I feared the resistance that I would feel. I would fear the resistance because it felt uncomfortable and then I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to fight it, I  would now have to go into battle with myself against resistance. And I did not like that.
Since I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this was so uncomfortable I began to dread doing things because that meant I would have to fight with the resistance. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear the uncomfortableness of resistance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to fight resistance and thus have made it an enemy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to make an enemy out of resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the feeling of resistance as an excuse not to stand and do what is practical and right.

When and as I see myself facing resistance I realize this is a personality implant and not me directing me. Thus when facing resistance I breath and direct myself to stop participating in it.I stand within my decision to be an example to myself and life living and participating as oneness and equality principles. I push through the resistance and move on.

SCS Resistance - from Reptilians part 20:

 Make sure when you face resistance that you solidify your decision of who you are within you and your living and your participation in this world and this reality. I mean you can’t get a more beautiful and assistance and support solidifying that decision of who you are within yourself and your Life experience. It cannot get simpler than that.

That is all you have to do. When resistance come, note: “ I do not accept and allow this resistance, I have made a decision who I am, what I am walking and doing in myself and my life. I am preparing to live as an example of equality and oneness. Not only for myself, but for all. And to do this I have to push through this resistance, so I push, I do what must be done, and I walk myself into preparing me for all as me.

 

Bernard Poolman Quotes

Bernard Poolman
Life was taken and forged into One law for All equally, which is Equality and Oneness as what is Best for All Life Always. Unless One Individually take this Law and Live it as the Evidence that You Give Life to All Equally Even in a Limited System, You will Never Be Life. How Can one expect to Be Life Eternal if You Cannot Even Give Life to All with you in Limitation when you Are All Equally in Limitation. And as You Give you Will Receive! Give Life to All and you will Receive Life as You Have Given - Equally!

 -------------------------------------

"Writing yourself as all as one to correction through self forgiveness and commitment to change is like breathing, effortless, unless the mind is in charge" Bernard Poolman

Day 2:Fear of Where Will the Money Come From

Photo is from Desteni Artist on Facebook.

I woke up today in a good mood then I remembered that I have to get it together for school work. I went into mind back chat about "If I don't get this done I will not have money.. then what will I do? I am going on 59yrs now and what will I be able to do for money. Our whole life is motivated by money to survive.
I realized that whining about in my mind is just taking me away from the moment and into fear. I actually like to work, but when your work is dependent on what another thinks - meaning they decide if it is okay enough for you to get "money" of course fear comes.

These post are about seeing our mind and back chat and how we abuse ourselfs and others with our thoughts. And applying the Desteni Principles of Self Forgiveness and self corrective statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present HERE and to worry about doing school work and will it be good enough to pass my course.

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world that we have created.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a world that only cares about money and not a world that support life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like to work because I have accepted and allowed myself to equal work with money.

I also realize that having money at this time is the only way one can survive in this world and to make a change in this world. Thus I remember that with money I can support myself to support those who are dedicated to making a change that will allow life to Lived in equality and not have and have nots. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money and have made it separate from me as a point of stress and survival

When and if I see myself going into the mind back chat with fear of money, I stop in that moment and Breath, I stable myself HERE as Breath and realize that this fear is not useful as it only puts me in a place of self pity and worry thus I am not fulfilling my potential as Life. 

Day 1: Self Forgiveness

Help Me To Focus!

 I am giving myself a command to help myself focus.

Problem areas;

I become overwhelmed when I am learning something new and it takes a lot of time.

I become anxious when what I want to do take to much time to learn and thus then go into being overwhelmed.

I get exhausted because I am battling with to do something or not to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self pity when I become overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I only had no more responsibilities that I would feel better, and thus use that as an excuse for self pity

SCS - When I start feeling overwhelmed I stop and BREATH, I stop the thoughts and emotions pertaining to being overwhelmed. I stand clear from feeling of self pity because there is too much to do.